Found out my ex really has moved on
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
Found out my ex really has moved on
I don't mean to whine or cry but I found out through the grapevine XABF has a girlfriend already. Why is this so hard to accept? He treated me horribly but I feel jealous. She is only 23. He is 34. I guess she goes out and drinks with him and doesn't care how drunk he gets. This is so hard to let someone go and then watch them go off and start a new life with someone new while you are still so sad. I need some kind words and support right now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I havent been in your position yet.
But I would say, Go back & read all of your post from day one...
Still miss him? Still sad?
I think you should be celebrating, that he has a new babysitter!!
Chalk it up as a BLESSING...Now go treat yourself to something fun!
But I would say, Go back & read all of your post from day one...
Still miss him? Still sad?
I think you should be celebrating, that he has a new babysitter!!
Chalk it up as a BLESSING...Now go treat yourself to something fun!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I think part of the reason it's so hard is because it's giving up on the final "could have beens."
Even though those "could have been's" are more likely "will never be's" it's still difficult.
You're not crazy.
You're not alone.
You're not the first one going through feelings like this.
All I can say it keep reminding yourself of all the good in your life now, and of the reasons you left in the first place.
You will feel better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Don't feel bad. He is doing what alcoholics do, moving from one enabler to the next (and there's no shortage of them). It's really all about him, and is not a reflection on you at all.
The goal, now, is to not replace him with another just like him.
Take care,
Cyranoak
The goal, now, is to not replace him with another just like him.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 153
Try not to be jealous hon. She's not "special" or any better than you are. She is just another person he can treat like crap. Just because there's a new person in an alcoholic's life doesn't mean they will miraculously change.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
My XA of 10 years and I split in September but he really just got completely out of my house in January. I took our two kids on vacation Feb 5 for one week. When I got back I found out he had moved in with a new woman already. I say YAY FOR ME. HE IS HER PROBLEM NOW! I hope they live "happily ever after" I know I will!
M
M
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
Does everyone here forgive their A's for all that they have done because they are sick and can't really help it, or do you feel like they know what they are doing to you and hope they all get a dose of karma?
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
He's not going to magically transform into
the wonderful man
you always hoped he'd become
or even the moderately decent man
he pretended to be to get you in the first place.
I know for me it was always that thought
that now he's 'got' someone else
he's suddenly going to become this wonderful dream - man
for her
when all he could manage
was to be crap for me.
It doesn't work like that.
He's the same person he always was.
And without major work on himself -
he's always going to be that way.
Look how far back the behavior goes -
the girl is still practically a teenager.
He just finally found someone
fool enough to buy into it.
That's all that means.
Apparently right out of high school was the best he could do.
P.T. Barnum said it the absolute best:
"There's one (a sucker) born every minute."
Always has been (that way) and always will be.
the wonderful man
you always hoped he'd become
or even the moderately decent man
he pretended to be to get you in the first place.
I know for me it was always that thought
that now he's 'got' someone else
he's suddenly going to become this wonderful dream - man
for her
when all he could manage
was to be crap for me.
It doesn't work like that.
He's the same person he always was.
And without major work on himself -
he's always going to be that way.
Look how far back the behavior goes -
the girl is still practically a teenager.
He just finally found someone
fool enough to buy into it.
That's all that means.
Apparently right out of high school was the best he could do.
P.T. Barnum said it the absolute best:
"There's one (a sucker) born every minute."
Always has been (that way) and always will be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
Thanks Barb. I just LOL'ed. You are right about getting one straight out of high school. Shockingly I am only 25 and apparently I am over the hill already for his taste. A.K.A. I wised up and grew up! Unlike him.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
LOL I mean, geyah! What'd he do -
get a part time job driving a school bus???
They're all about the 'sell'.
I know.
I did it too.
And this was the best he could do.
Well, here's a girl about to get a life lessson.
WIsh them the best
and be ever so grateful
you're not dragging that rock around any more~!
Go buy yourself something pretty!
get a part time job driving a school bus???
They're all about the 'sell'.
I know.
I did it too.
And this was the best he could do.
Well, here's a girl about to get a life lessson.
WIsh them the best
and be ever so grateful
you're not dragging that rock around any more~!
Go buy yourself something pretty!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
I may go out and by myself a rock for my finger just to remind myself that I can wear a rock for myself and not carry one around anymore! And I'll make sure it fits my middle finger so he can have something shiny to look at when i flip him the bird if I ever happen to see him. LOL 
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Being stuck in evasion and distraction and the same old, same old is NOT the same as moving on.
Moving on takes brutal honesty and courage.
This link helped me
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...special-i.html
Also I have the "fortune" to see XABF often as I work with him. I could have been fooled believing he was really wonderful and found someone wonderful! He is still the jerk he always was, he still drinks the same or more, he still doesn't think he has an issue at all. And yes his GF drinks way more than he does. Perfect match, she makes him look like the Healthy One
I talked about this "how come many men do not spend a lot of time of time single" with my therapist, she told me its all about Codependent Mommy Issues. They need a mom figure. Not a partner. A caretaker.. someone who will love them no matter how bad they behave... or, someone to put up with abuse... someone to use as emotional punching bag or worse... whatever they learned from their moms...
are you willing to be that person? I am glad to report I no longer want any abuser in my life! and that's the end of it. Don't go beyond that point. What do you want? What do you deserve? What can you do today, for you?
I love the ring idea!! I have one that is a silver snake.. I'll wear it more often, I loved that "self commitment" idea
Really take a good look at the "prize".. a very very good look at it... you'll feel better!
Also if you can take some classes, like box/kick boxing etc, it helps a lot!!
I have been congratulated by my teachers because when doing the exercises I imagine I am punching XABF... just yesterday I was told I was hitting with a lot of strength and I thought "its not strength, its just anger!".... then I am too exhausted to worry about anything but me and dinner and sleeptime-
BTW in the gym there are handsome guys around, providing some eye candy.
And you get in shape.
IF everything fails I google images for 'George clooney'. NOW there's a Man.
Remember the ones who really want to change are in the rooms and in SR struggling and making efforts and taking actions and spending money in therapy and even so its slow and difficult. Why do you think someone who does absolutely nothing has changed?
Moving on takes brutal honesty and courage.
This link helped me
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...special-i.html
Also I have the "fortune" to see XABF often as I work with him. I could have been fooled believing he was really wonderful and found someone wonderful! He is still the jerk he always was, he still drinks the same or more, he still doesn't think he has an issue at all. And yes his GF drinks way more than he does. Perfect match, she makes him look like the Healthy One
I talked about this "how come many men do not spend a lot of time of time single" with my therapist, she told me its all about Codependent Mommy Issues. They need a mom figure. Not a partner. A caretaker.. someone who will love them no matter how bad they behave... or, someone to put up with abuse... someone to use as emotional punching bag or worse... whatever they learned from their moms...
are you willing to be that person? I am glad to report I no longer want any abuser in my life! and that's the end of it. Don't go beyond that point. What do you want? What do you deserve? What can you do today, for you?
I love the ring idea!! I have one that is a silver snake.. I'll wear it more often, I loved that "self commitment" idea
Really take a good look at the "prize".. a very very good look at it... you'll feel better!
Also if you can take some classes, like box/kick boxing etc, it helps a lot!!
I have been congratulated by my teachers because when doing the exercises I imagine I am punching XABF... just yesterday I was told I was hitting with a lot of strength and I thought "its not strength, its just anger!".... then I am too exhausted to worry about anything but me and dinner and sleeptime-
BTW in the gym there are handsome guys around, providing some eye candy.
And you get in shape.
IF everything fails I google images for 'George clooney'. NOW there's a Man.
Remember the ones who really want to change are in the rooms and in SR struggling and making efforts and taking actions and spending money in therapy and even so its slow and difficult. Why do you think someone who does absolutely nothing has changed?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 209
Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
Don't feel bad. He is doing what alcoholics do, moving from one enabler to the next (and there's no shortage of them). It's really all about him, and is not a reflection on you at all.
The goal, now, is to not replace him with another just like him.
Take care,
Cyranoak
The goal, now, is to not replace him with another just like him.
Take care,
Cyranoak
You have NO IDEA how much this post helps me put things in perspective.....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You've heard about the chain letter, right?
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything! Just send a copy of this letter to five of your female friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your husband and/or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 135 men.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 50 men, of whom four were worth keeping. This chain also brings good luck. One woman's abusive jerk died, and the next day she received a Chippendale. An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between a plastic surgeon and a massage therapist. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back.
Hey, we all need to get lucky now and then.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 50 men, of whom four were worth keeping. This chain also brings good luck. One woman's abusive jerk died, and the next day she received a Chippendale. An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between a plastic surgeon and a massage therapist. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back.
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