Found out my ex really has moved on

Old 03-30-2011, 04:33 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Thanks TakingCharge!!! I soooo needed all of this today! That really cheered me up. Thanks for bringing me back to reality!
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Old 03-30-2011, 04:41 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Yes I tortured myself with this for more than a year
Its NOT worth it please be smarter than I am

I also want to thank Cyranoak and wish he had told me that after Loser Boyfriend #1
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Old 03-30-2011, 04:41 PM
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Does everyone here forgive their A's for all that they have done because they are sick
NO. I forgave my A for ME. So I would not continue to carry around the 'baggage' of all that he did or didn't do. Will I ever forget? Probably not, but the forgiveness was not for him, it is for me.

"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."

I learned a lot from that phrase of "The Lord's Prayer."

Early in my recovery in AA we would close our meetings with this prayer. Here I was asking my HP to forgive me the way I forgave others. Ut Oh. I had to learn how to forgive others.

As to him finding a new girlfriend, wish her luck. Either she is an up and coming alkie and an enabler or both.

The person you loved was not the person you thought he was nor will he ever be ........................ you are free now to move on with your life in the direction you want to go. You are young, with your whole life ahead of you.

Enjoy your new life!!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-30-2011, 07:20 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Laurie... You my dear are a shiny example of recovery in action. I'm so glad you're here.
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Old 03-30-2011, 07:31 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
You've heard about the chain letter, right?
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything! Just send a copy of this letter to five of your female friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your husband and/or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 135 men.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 50 men, of whom four were worth keeping. This chain also brings good luck. One woman's abusive jerk died, and the next day she received a Chippendale. An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between a plastic surgeon and a massage therapist. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back.
Hey, we all need to get lucky now and then.
i swear to GOD I have not laughed so hard IN YEARS!
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Old 03-30-2011, 07:37 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Bet the new girlfriend is sitting there jealous of you for being strong enough to kick him to the curb! If not now, she will be soon enough.

I always think that guys in their 30s, 40s, and beyond date younger women because women their age won't put up with some of the immmature b.s.

I know you are fairly young but you are learning fast which is good!

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Old 03-30-2011, 07:46 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Thanks for your post. It resonates with me. I know for a fact when (I'm not there yet) we split he will get a new girlfriend quickly. He practically told me so. That will hurt because my husband really can be fun to be with - or, now that I think of it, he was fun to be with.

I can't stand to be around him with a drink in his hand, much less after a night (or day) full of drinking. That's the reality. That's the guy I don't like and don't want to be with and the time with him drinking is becoming way more often than the time of him not drinking.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I can share your feelings because as I play the movie to the end in my mind - I see him with a gf and feel just horrible. Then I realize he's not for me.

At some point, I will need to let him go. And you will too. I'm certain the on the other side of hurt and pain is feeling of freedom, peace (!) and happiness. I'm certain of it. It's okay for him to be happy. It's okay for you to be happy too. I think that's actual win-win. But it's hard to see that now.

I will be very, very sad when to know my a is with someone else. I hope I will be able to get to the other side quickly.
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Old 03-31-2011, 03:26 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Some people's happiness is drinking to oblivion until the die and behaving selfishly...

That's NOT happiness for me...

A huge one for me was to realize we all work in different levels.. some are stuck in survival/instincts/immediate needs... some can go beyond that point are more spiritual and look for the greater good,health,cleaning their side of the street...

This helped me stop comparing "his outsides to my insides"

The good news is that as you become healthier you will be able to relate with healthier people... and that is wonderful, I've got a couple of new friends in this same vibe and these friendships have been way more fulfilling than my relation to XABF ever was.. people that never ever in their wildest dreams would hurt you in any way. Nor anyone. Because they have healed internally. And I can see how I am no longer acting manipulative or codependent towards them. Way healthier, real relationship from the heart.

It sucks but it will pass.
Addiction strives in the enablers and drama and focus on the alcoholic, as long as there is active addiction there can be no love IMHO. Somewhere I read an alcoholic won't drink if he or she were in an island alone, hurting nobody else.

Let us know how you are doing.
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Old 03-31-2011, 04:19 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I feel the same as you. My AH and I used to have so much fun together. He has an incredible sense of humor. I truly enjoyed begin with him... When he has sober and present and able to give me the things I wanted from our marriage. It's all those good things I will miss, but that's only part of him. The whole him is not good for me, and I have to remember that. So right here, right now... Separating from/divorcing him is the right choice for me.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, nor do you. You have to live in the here and now otherwise you're going to get stuck projecting into the future, worrying about all the what ifs. Maybe my AH won't change, and finds a new enabler... Maybe he'll find recovery and we reconcile... Which one is going to happen? I don't know, nobody but my HP does.

So, like Laurie said, I'm letting him go, for me. I'll pray for him to find peace, health, and happiness. Someday I'll forgive him, but I won't ever forget. I'm stepping out of my denial about the situation I'm in, and I have no intentions to go back.

I think that's why it is so important that we work to focus on ourselves.

On a side note, I have no negative feelings about any of my exes. I see them all as "gifts" to my life... Experiences shared for a purpose, something I needed to learn. But, for whatever reasons, we broke up... We didn't work together, and that's okay. They are all still good people... Has to be something good in there because I loved them! I harbor no anger or resentments, or even blame towards them... Because that's healthier For ME.
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Old 03-31-2011, 07:09 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Whereisthisgoin and GettingBy,

I can completely relate to you both. It really is like trying to love two separate people because at times they can be fun, loving, and caring guys. Then when they drink, its a total personality change. I spent most of the relationship loving him one day and hating him the next. That is so stressful. You should be able to love someone everyday.

Guys in their 30's, 40's and even 50's can get any girl they want if they play it right and are good con men which most A's are. It doesn't seem fair but the key word is "play". They can only fake themselves for so long before they unmask themselves. And the way I look at it, they are worse off in life because every relationship they ever have will most likely end in ruins. When the day comes that you do decide to get out, that will be the first day of the rest of your lives. You will cry and your heart will hurt because everything you had hoped for the relationship is gone. But, you will get yourself back and you won't feel like a prisoner anymore. You lose him, but you actually gain back so much for yourself and I am experiencing that everyday.

Thanks TakingCharge....your insight is always so spot on and inspiring. I was having a gloomy day yesterday and all of your posts along with everyone else's really made me hold my head up again. A big part of healing is constantly reminding yourself to think logically rather than emotionally about the situation. Its so easy to slip back into emotional thinking about an ex and start to miss them or be jealous of the "new girl". But, if you stop and think logically, all they really are is a big ball of pain wrapped up in a fake smile and empty promises. That is not something to miss or be jealous of AT ALL.
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Old 03-31-2011, 08:37 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Before my RAH got sober, at one point, he had begun to see a younger girl.

SHe was gorgeous.

She is 26. I am 42.
RAH and I have a son.
He had painted a picture to me that she was the ultimately successful younger version of me, only she was nice. And she was tolerant. She thought he was awesome, and she wanted to help him get on his feet, (not like me, who tore him down, etc..)
she bought him beers, and in exchange for that and more she was granted his charming company...which was still charming because it was new, and he needed her.

She was a very pretty girl. And I felt like crap. I felt old, and once, when I saw them out,she asked me why I wasnt home in bed, "Arent you, like, 50? Shouldnt you be home with your child?"

I struggled with this. I felt replaced, and for a minute, I believed that he had found someone better, that he was going to change for her, that she was the me I could never be...tolerant, loving, supportive...bright, fresh and new.

It took only a month.

She had a good job with the state, had a nice car....lived a little far out of town...
What I found out later, was that he had conned her into buying him a hotel room for 10 days, they stayed there,with her commuting to work some 35 minutes away... and did whatever. Then he decided he wanted to get sober(one of many tries).

He went to his mothers to stay. She did not like that he wanted to get sober, apparently and filed a small claims suit for the hotel money.

The girl that he made sound so shiny and bright and supportive ended up being a fall down drunk. She was banned from the bar he frequented for stalking him, attacking him.
She had been in and out of psych wards. She had borderline personality disorder. She was from my hometown, and I had a mutual friend who saw them together give me the lowdown on this girl.
She was known to become involved with messed up men, she had become completely obssessed with a number of them. He ended up having to file a restraining order against her, because she came to his mothers house and sat outside all night, calling him some 150 times. Knocking on the door, and looking into the windows!

Certainly he was no victim. He had lied to her, used her, and pretty much did what he had done to all the women he got himself attached to while active. This one was very sick, and he ended up with a major mess on his hands.

Another one, was a young foreign girl, that he told me was madly in love with him. He kept her a secret, would crash at her house when things were bad with us, then I found out about her.
Our city is a major one, but our social circle is smallish. I had known of her, seen her.
She was a model. Young, foreign. She seemed so exotic. I felt like I was old hat, I had been the problem, apparently, because this cool, young thing really did get all the good stuff. She deserved it, I thought, I had not deserved it...

I learned more about their dynamic after he had ended it with her, and
She was raised by a severely alcoholic father in RUssia, who she played alcoholic nurse maid to for her entire childhood. She was dream date for an A.
She would wait for him to show up at 2 or 3am. because he never took her out.
She had her fridge stocked with vodka and cigarettes for him.
SICK. I know. BUt, to hear him tell it, she was a wonderful, successful beautiful young woman, who loved him, and cared about him, and HELPED him...This girl would WAIT for him, not go out, and when he would come home to be with us(his family) he lied and said he had to, he had no choice, etc...She believed him.

Enablers are everywhere. They are easy to find, because so many people are unhealed.

PLease try to remember that.

His needs will not be met by some healthy, together, better version of you.
His plug doesnt match that outlet.

At this point, RAH is sober, 6 months. He does not see other women, lives outside of our home, and works. He claims I am the only real person who ever loved him, because I did not, and would not enable him. Now, he is still a jerk, and he has a lot of work to do, but...
When he starts dating, I still know that he will not be attracting some grand, better, more understanding woman. He will put his best stuff up front, like we all do, and whoever takes the bait will have matching plugs/outlet.
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Old 03-31-2011, 09:02 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Wow Buffalo. Your AH sounds like the perfect con man. I feel for you for having to go through all of that with the other women. I know how that feels. You feel like maybe they have met someone who is their perfect match. Your stories have made me feel stronger. Nothing is ever what it seems. What it boils down to is that Alcoholics are just plain unhealthy and whoever they are attracting must be equally unhealthy as well. I use to be unhealthy but I am on my way to recovery. Two unhealthy people together is simply toxic and nothing good ever comes out of it.
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Old 03-31-2011, 09:14 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Yes, he was/is...less so now.

I guess the moral of my story is...

Dont fret about the next one. You are escaping a toxic relationship.
He is not suddenly nontoxic without you.

Your work is, as Cryanoak says, now to look at yourself, and be vigilant not to attract another one like this.
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Old 03-31-2011, 01:50 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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It was certainly a very toxic relationship. Especially if I mentioned his drinking. The physical and emotional abuse was very intense. I am thankful to be away from him it but it will always bother me to know that a wolf in sheep's clothing (my ex) is still existing out in this world. Its very scary to me that monsters like that are out there living among us without a care in the world and inflicting their pain on people. It seems devilish to me. I know where I am going when I die and I would hate to be him on his judgement day.
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Old 03-31-2011, 05:00 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post

good one!

And -
maybe let it be a symbol of your commitment to yourself.

Love the self ... first.

That's a great idea.

THIS IS THE BEST QUOTE TO DATE!! i running to the jewellry store and buying the rock i always wanted FOR ME and my commitment to ME!!

thanks for the quote Barb!! that was the :lighbulb: moment there!
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Old 04-01-2011, 11:06 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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I would try to look at this at how it's benefiting you. Now you have room for the person you really deserve and most of all, deserves you!
It seems every woman has to go through a few dirtbags, a few 'just not the one's' in order to get 'the one'!
Hang in there, it does hurt and it feels rough at times, but post here every time you: feel like calling him, feel like hurting him, feel like crap, feel jealous, feel stepped on, feel used, feel unattractive, feel inferior, etc, you get the drift. We've all been there and here for you. Hugs.
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Old 04-02-2011, 10:42 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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This thread is AWESOME!!!

I have nothing to add accept that there is so much truth here in such a funny way that I am going to bookmark this thread to come back to it when I need some cheering up.

Thanks all for the great laughs this am... and the wisdom.
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Old 04-02-2011, 11:46 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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I agree. This thread is so insightful and true! I appreciate everyone's support while I go through the healing process after my toxic relationship. Even though I am left with alot of wounds and scars, I am greatful to have gone through the experience. It taught me so much about life and people at a young age. I now feel like superwoman for have gone through what I did. I feel like I can get through anything and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I firmly believe that God does not give us anything that he knows we cannot handle. This sounds silly but I am thankful to have met my XABF because he really made me see what is important in life-I am so thankful for what I do have rather than what I don't. I don't sweat the small stuff anymore because life can be so much worse.
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Old 04-02-2011, 02:11 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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It's pride and, I think, pretty normal when two people break up. This is so hard and you've come an incredible distance, worked so hard. Jealousy will pass, all feelings pass. But the worst is over. Peace
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Old 04-02-2011, 09:12 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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I was also reminded to be grateful recently when two coworkers got married, if you saw the outsides they are in love, have traveled together, he is a good person, etc.

Only I know their neighbor and he told me about the frequent yelling at odd hours of the night.

Only I went to his birthday party some time ago and he was drunk as hell, broke a bottle, fought with the girlfriend, got nasty until another guy his height and weight calmed him down.

I was there in the kitchen with his slightly more sober friends and thought: I was that girlfriend not so much time ago, putting up with such a guy, putting up with his drunken friends until 6 AM - thinking it was love. And thinking no one else knew about his problem.

They got married recently and everything was fine and he did not get superdrunk but I was there seeing her, this sweet Japanese young woman who has never drank for all the times we have shared social stuff at work, and I was grateful it was not me. And they showed pictures and ALL of them had HIM as the main point of attention. She was more like... landscape.

Come to think of it, she is also perfect for him as she is alone in this country, her whole family and friends are in Japan and just came for the wedding. A hostage.

Perfect match does not mean healthy match. Like my dad who married a woman 20 years ago and they will die together - they are raging codependents and not because they are together they are getting any healthier. Quite the contrary: he has cut ties with his family thanks to her and thanks to his lack of character to put boundaries and accept he has responsability as a father, and son, and brother as well.

Then I go back and look at my life and the chances for growth and I am grateful I get another chance to first have a good relationship with myself and go after what I enjoy, be safe, not be yelled at EVER by ANYONE, not feel fear anymore, and I feel blessed and saved by HP because I can see reality now and experience love, be someone different than what I have been and what I had learned and what I have seen. Become me - not anyone's shadow, not anyone's hostage, not anyone's possesion, not anyone's toy for the day.

Ah.. gratitude, the ultimate healer!!
Thanks for letting me share
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