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feel like I'm starting over again with my recovery

Old 03-17-2011, 05:14 PM
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feel like I'm starting over again with my recovery

Just last week I was really starting to feel like I could move on by myself and leave AH to his "recovery" .

I did deal with some concerns about him driving my DS who is 9 back from a visit with him 1 evening by reiterating to my son about calling me or his sister if he didn't want to drive with AH.

Sure enough come next visit and AH comes and DS tells his sister who was here with him that he doesn't feel comfortable and doesn't want to go with dad.

Well I am proud of my son for sticking up for himself but sad that he has to deal with this.

The kicker is I get a call next morning and AH was in accident (not hurt, thankfully) but did get DUI.

He is telling me how he has to apologize to DS and DD and is nice as pie because I need to come with him to pick up his car.

I spend most of the morning accommodating him - picking up car and keeping it and keys at my house, driving him to work on a project at office.

AH still on best behavior trying to figure out about me driving him the next day and next weekend because he has to finish a project at work.

This did not sit well with me at all. AH has been out of my life for over a year now and we have made very little progress, putting our marriage back together. I was starting to realize that both of us needed a lot more recovery on our own before this incident happened.

Anyway, it did happen and it made me realize even more what a master manipulator AH is and how it is just about impossible for him to accept any kind of boundaries from me.

Coming to this weekend now and he wants me to drive him to see DS sport game and than drop off to his place. My biggest problem is the poor attitude AH has. It seems he is still in denial about his alcoholism and figures he can get around whatever affect it has.

I pushed back on some of the driving him around but of course there is always the underhanded comment that I am depriving DS of being with him.

I can't even think straight enough to set the boundaries I need for my own self and to know if I should now be concerned about DS being that long on a visit. It seems I have been also denying that AH is still drinking and not seeking recovery.

I suppose I am only a phone call away for DS but I am almost wanting to make it simple and just forget the whole thing and keep DS with me.

Thanks for hearing me out. I am just so frustrated, mostly at myself for still trying to accept what is clearly unacceptable to me and expecting it to be different.
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Old 03-18-2011, 06:51 AM
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IMO, his inability to drive his car = consequence of his choice to drink. Another consequence of his choice to drink should be that he is unable to complete his work project or see his son. I do not understand why, a year after separation, you are driving this man around. By doing so, you are sheltering him from the consequences of his own actions.

Remember that old 1980's anti-drug campaign? "Just say no!"
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Old 03-18-2011, 07:00 AM
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I hear you and thanks for the message. Saying no to others and taking care of myself is part of my recovery.

It's just hard when kids are involved and emotions are there and every day I need to remind myself to let go and let God.
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Old 03-18-2011, 07:23 AM
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Butte MT is a very small town (only about 28-30 thousand)
but has a taxi service?
we even have a bus.
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Old 03-18-2011, 07:28 AM
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I know how hard it is to say no.

Perhaps you could examine within yourself *why* you find it difficult to do so? I have found, for myself, that it was a deep seated desire to be LIKED by others, not to ruffle anyone's feathers, and never to be the Bad Guy (some people equate saying no with being "mean").

I have learned slooooooowly to say what I mean and mean what I say, and to stand up for what I want. I even practice in front of my mirror so that it eventually becomes natural for me to say "I'm sorry but I just can't".
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Old 03-18-2011, 07:54 AM
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Yes, saying what I mean and meaning what I say is difficult for me.

I really need to focus on my recovery and do all that I can for that.

A big part of me is not wanting to be the one to end a marriage.

With alcohol in the picture, trying to "fix" our marriage doesn't make sense and I need to step away from that and accept it is not working and focus on me and what I need right now.

It's this suspended period of wanting AH to seek recovery and yet not seeking my own recovery and what I need. He may never seek recovery and being separated from him is making me see a little clearer some aspects of our marriage that may never work.
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Old 03-18-2011, 08:39 AM
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Again, this is just me, but I have found that being the one to take action, instead of simply reacting to someone else has granted me a powerful sense of freedom and ownership. It is OK to make a decision based on your needs alone and to act on that decision. It would be ok if you were 1 month into the relationship, and it's ok now.

For the Super Codie among us, it's so difficult to truthfully assert our needs without feeling like we're selfish. We automatically put others before ourselves because...we want to please, we want to "help", we want to be liked, to be nice, to be "a saint". So what if you're the one to end the marriage? It's no crime, it doesn't make you a quitter (seems to me you've given enough of your time and energy to this).

Try to remind yourself that if you don't take care of yourself, no one will. Your kids need a happy and healthy mama.

Perhaps it's time to close the door on this chapter of your life and let HP, instead of your AH, lead the way.
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Old 03-18-2011, 09:36 AM
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I just wanted to say that I'm right there with you. Struggling with knowing the right thing to do, but being so scared/sad to do it.

I love what Nodaybut2day just posted. Perfectly put and exactly what I needed to hear today. I think I'm going to print it out and put it in my pocket as a gentle reminder.
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Old 03-18-2011, 09:58 AM
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Yes. I'm relating to this thread.
A week or two ago, I felt good, almost powerful. The binge with my AW is on and I feel sad. I have a kid as well and I can see my AW saying and doing exactly what your AH is doing.
I reckon it's one day at a time, time.
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Old 03-18-2011, 11:03 AM
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I know you want your kids to see their dad, but driving him around (and dealing with his BS) is NOT YOUR JOB. Not your job. Not your job.
He is an adult and if he can't keep his life together to be able to drive? Not your job.
Holding his key for him? Not your job.
If he can't make it to see the kids, should they be spending time with that influence in their lives?

I agree with noday. He needs consequences for his actions.
If seeing his kids can't motivate him, he's not the best influence for them anyway.

Hugs,
peace
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Old 03-19-2011, 10:58 AM
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Met with a good friend of mine today and she made me realize that I really haven't been dealing with what is. Even though I can now support myself and AH is no longer living with us and kids are fine with most of it, I still approach some of my decisionmaking as if AH is going to be responsible about his disease and available to me and our family and this is just not true.

I have made some major changes in my life in the last year - going back to work after being SAHM for over 10 years, getting AH to leave the house, working on really working alanon program, reaching out to others for ESH, rebuilding a sense of family with my kids.

It seems the next step for me is to realize that I am on my own with my family and AH is not available and may never be available and what I do or don't do should not be based on expecting him to be part of it. Maybe this will help clear my head even more and help me determine if I truly want to be with AH.

Thanks everyone for your input as I progress step by step.
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Old 03-19-2011, 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by dancingnow View Post
Met with a good friend of mine today and she made me realize that I really haven't been dealing with what is. Even though I can now support myself and AH is no longer living with us and kids are fine with most of it, I still approach some of my decisionmaking as if AH is going to be responsible about his disease and available to me and our family and this is just not true.

I have made some major changes in my life in the last year - going back to work after being SAHM for over 10 years, getting AH to leave the house, working on really working alanon program, reaching out to others for ESH, rebuilding a sense of family with my kids.

It seems the next step for me is to realize that I am on my own with my family and AH is not available and may never be available and what I do or don't do should not be based on expecting him to be part of it. Maybe this will help clear my head even more and help me determine if I truly want to be with AH.

Thanks everyone for your input as I progress step by step.
You rock.
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Old 03-19-2011, 02:24 PM
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Originally Posted by FindingPeace1 View Post
You rock.
X2!
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