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Time With Recovering AH??

Old 02-14-2011, 10:11 AM
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Cool Time With Recovering AH??

Well, we are going on 2 weeks in the same house with each other, since he came home from his 30 rehab. It's been a struggle for me. Most days I cant seem to look at him. Still hiding my purse,phone,money. I have been holding alot of "stuff" inside of me and find myself traveling the past 2 wkends, just so I dont have to look at him or deal with him.

When he was in rehab, I told him exactly how I felt, I did not miss a word!! And I gave him a refresher course on my feelings last night again.

He comes home & acts like its a lovely marriage & a lovely world. I know, I am suppose to be patient..But it's not all in me right now. Im working very hard staying on my side of the fence. I dont hesitate to call a "Guilt Trip' a guilt trip from him..When I left this weekend, he said "Give me a hug" I asked him why..His reply "Well what I die in a car wreck" - GUILT TRIP!!!

We talked finances last night, he just doesnt get the point of working 2 hours a day, does not pay the bills. But now that I brought that to his attention, he is gonna work on it. But in rehab, his attitude was, he was gonna come home & kick butt at work...NOT!!

Guess I am rambling on with todays frustrations.

I have been researching and researching in the book stores & online for information on what they are like, and what to expect after a recovery program. Guess, Im trying to figure out, is this really him sober or is this part of his recovery AND how long does this last? When do you know if the feelings (my feelings) are just temporary or does time heal?

There is so much information in meetings & online about what to do with the AH, but I cant find enough on what to do with them once they are babies in recovery....???????????????????????

I found the below information on this site: AND I CAN VERY MUCH RELATE TO IT!!!!!!!
******* Belief that Time will Make it Better **********

Maybe you get hooked by the belief that: "If I give it enough time things will change to be the way I want them to be." You have waited a long time to have healthy intimate relationships, you rationalize: "Don't give up on them too soon." Since you are not sure how to have them or how they feel, you rationalize that maybe what the relationships need is more time to become more healthy and intimate. You find yourself giving more and more of yourself and waiting longer and longer for something good to happen and yet things never get better. You find that your wait goes from being counted by days, weeks or months to years. Time passes and things really never get better. What keeps hooking you are those fleeting moments when the relationships approximate what you would like them to be. These fleeting moments feel like centuries and they are sufficient to keep you holding on. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is unhealthy for me to sacrifice large portions of my life, invested in relationships which are not going anywhere. It is unhealthy for me to hold on to the belief that things will change if they have not in 1 or more years. It is OK to set time limits in my relationships such as: if in 3 months or 6 months things do not get to be intimately healthier then I am getting out of them or we will need to seek professional help to work it out. It is OK to put time demands on my relationships so that I do not waste away my life waiting for something which in all probability will never happen. It is not OK for me to blow out of proportion those fleeting moments in my relationships which make me believe that there is anything more in them than there really is."
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Old 02-14-2011, 05:52 PM
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Hi Bobby! In case no one has told you yet.....

Welcome to SR!!!

I can understand your frustration. Early recovery for an alcoholic can be a confusing and frustrating time for the family as well. Sadly, even for folks who truly embrace recovery, some ideas and thought processes that they had while drinking still hang on for a while after they stop. Merely stopping the drinking is not, sadly, true recovery.

Is your hubby still going to meetings now that he is post rehab? How about you? Is there an Al-Anon group nearby for you?

Many of us here have found such support, courage, and a path forward through face-to-face Al-Anon meetings.

I hope that your husband continues to work at his recovery. Stick around! Keep posting, keep reading. It can and does get better, regardless of whether or not the A's in our lives are drinking.

Huge hugs, HG
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Old 02-14-2011, 10:25 PM
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Ten months

Ten months ago, my wife went to rehab (married 28 years). She embraced her program, and has worked very hard since. 90 AA meetings in 90 days, continuing counseling, marriage counseling. I discovered Al-Anon and have been going to meetings twice a week for nearly the same period.

I agree with Hydrogirl that "quitting drinking" is just a tiny part of recovery. A necessary part, but not the most important part. When my AW got out of rehab, she was on the pink cloud. Life was good. Three months later, she was struggling, six months later she was starting to find her center. Today, she's doing much much better.

But I'm just as excited by the changes in me! Ten months ago, I was sick, tired...just worn down by the stress of living with an alcoholic. A counselor told me that because of rehab, "Maybe you'll get the girl you married back." And my first thought was "What if I don't want her back?"

Ten months later, because of the tools and support I found in Al-Anon, I was able to shop in the Valentines Day section of the greeting cards aisle without feeling like a fraud. Without reading something sentimental and goind "bleech!"

That's my story, Al-Anon worked for me...is working for me. And I've seen real changes in other people that started the program at the same time I did. It can work for you too.

You'll be amazed at how much better life is, when you don't feel (emotionally) like crap all the time.

Take care.
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Old 02-15-2011, 06:34 AM
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I am so happy for you, mattmathews!
Thank you so much for sharing. <3


BobbyJ, unfortunately I do not have any experience with a recovering alcoholic.
I have seen on this forum, though, that people change a lot going through recovery.
Sometimes people change in the same direction, sometimes people change too much in opposite directions, and sometimes people diverge only to come back together again later.
You need to decide what is best for you and your recovery.
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:04 AM
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As the spouse of a recovering alcoholic, I can tell you that so far the first couple of months was the hardest. It does get better.
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:42 AM
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Thank you, it was reassuring to hear (1) that it's possible to succeed and (2) that it gets worse before it gets better. Makes me feel not so crazy about where we're at right now.
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:43 AM
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Jay, sometimes...

...both things below are true. Sometimes they are both false. Your results may vary. May I suggest not having expectations around this?

This goes to Bobby too, so I don't think this is hijacking the thread.

The trick, in my opinion, is to not have expectations around her and her behavior. Have expectations for yourself and your behavior, set appropriate boundaries (not rules!) regarding how you are willing and able to live, and then manifest your responses/consequences immediately and with firm resolve should she violate those boundaries.

Don't set boundaries you will not enforce, and know in advance exactly what you will do when she violates them, how you will do it, and when you will do it. In my opinion, this is THE ONLY WAY to live with an alcoholic. And, in my experience, she will test each and every boundary you set looking to find your Achilles heel. If you demonstrate to her you are weak in your resolve, you will find yourself right back where you started, and with no credibility whatsoever.

My two cents based on 13 years with an alcoholic wife, 8 years in Al-Anon, multiple relapses (for both of us), two completed recovery programs, and 8 months of sobriety for AW. Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by jayscott View Post
Thank you, it was reassuring to hear (1) that it's possible to succeed and (2) that it gets worse before it gets better. Makes me feel not so crazy about where we're at right now.
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:48 AM
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Merely stopping the drinking is not, sadly, true recovery.

Could you please explain, what this means? Thanks
P.S - Yes, he goes to meetings almost nightly & noon meetings.
Getting his sponsor this week, so he says...
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Old 02-15-2011, 03:17 PM
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Sometimes when an alcoholic stop drinking, they still exhibit some poor behaviors and make bad choices. They can still blame others for everything they believe is wrong in their lives. They can be angry because they are just "white knuckling" their way through with no real program to maintain their sobriety and work through the problems that underly the drinking to begin with. A 30-day stint in rehab is just the very, very beginning of a very long process for him. He has to learn how to manage this chronic illness called addiction.

I'm not sure if I'm remembering this quote correctly, but I've read that the hallmarks of true recovery are honesty, openness, and humility.

I'm glad to hear that he is still going to meetings. That is a good thing. How about you? It sounds as though you have a lot of anger, and that is completely, totally, and perfectly understandable. Perhaps if you went to a counselor on your own, you could work through some of your feelings and make changes in your life for your own health and happiness. Learn to set some boundaries that are healthy for you and will protect you from the drama of his addiction.

I hope this helps! Keep reading, keep posting!!!! Huge hugs, HG
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Old 02-15-2011, 03:24 PM
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This link also provides some important, general information about the recovery process. It's a long post, but you may find it helpful! Hugs, HG

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
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Old 02-15-2011, 04:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
...both things below are true. Sometimes they are both false. Your results may vary. May I suggest not having expectations around this?
Lots of good wisdom on the forums today. I think perhaps writing down my boundaries somewhere so as not to forget them might be advisable. Might be a useful suggestion for anyone else out there who gets easily distracted from the big picture.
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Old 02-15-2011, 05:36 PM
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I'm still feeling like I'm getting sucked into his drama.
I went to alnon. I WANT to get better.
I apologized to him for an arguement we had yesterday via text. Love texting gives u a chance to really 'pause' before you send....
I'm at a place though that I don't want to be around him.
He's so far on a dry drunk that he may as well carry around a beer bottle with him...that would help me at least understand.
I don't know about you guys but the passage you wrote in your post really helped me today....thank you!
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