My situation
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22
And yes, I would recommend talking to anyone whom you trust and feel would be helpful in this situation with your husband. If you father in law is close to you, and knows the journey, signs, symptoms and struggles of negative relationships with alcohol, he may very well be a true source of help and support.
But ultimately, it has to feel right to you. All of your choices have to feel right to you. And no one can tell what to choose, sadly. I think it is a "code of conduct" around these here parts!
good luck...
But ultimately, it has to feel right to you. All of your choices have to feel right to you. And no one can tell what to choose, sadly. I think it is a "code of conduct" around these here parts!
good luck...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 58
Hi cp85rn, reading your story and it sounds so familiar in so many ways. About telling his Dad? My guess is that he already knows or is at least suspicious. You said he's a sober alcoholic, so his antenna are probably already up when it comes to his son's drinking. I would most definately talk to him about it.
You don't mention that you've started a family yet and nobody can tell you what to do, but IMO be thankful you have no children in the situation. It will be just as much of a hell for them as it is...or will become, for you if you stay with him.
For myself, after living 20 years with an A who has gotten worse and worse over the years, if I knew then what I know (and live with) now, I would have never become apart of his whole mess. Those 3 C's are the bain of my existance and learning to accept them is one of the hardest things I will ever do but I'm working on it. Living like that is condemning yourself to a life of grief and frustration.
You don't mention that you've started a family yet and nobody can tell you what to do, but IMO be thankful you have no children in the situation. It will be just as much of a hell for them as it is...or will become, for you if you stay with him.
For myself, after living 20 years with an A who has gotten worse and worse over the years, if I knew then what I know (and live with) now, I would have never become apart of his whole mess. Those 3 C's are the bain of my existance and learning to accept them is one of the hardest things I will ever do but I'm working on it. Living like that is condemning yourself to a life of grief and frustration.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
You need to get help for yourself.
I would recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting, and going to at least six (and a couple different ones) before deciding whether or not Al-Anon will help you.
Also, how close are you to his father? If you feel his father would listen, then go for it. As Donna has already stated, people who have come close to addiction can recognize addiction before anyone else, and sober alcoholics are some of the best at recognizing practicing ones. Depending upon how much contact his father actually has with him (and you said it's his manager at work, so probably a lot), he either suspects or already knows.
In this case, do what your gut says is the right thing to do.
As for leaving, whether you stay or you leave, you'll know when you're ready to change your answer. There is no reason to rush things right now.
It's time to just do the "next right thing." In this case, that may be notifying his father, if that's what your instincts say to do.
Most importantly, you are not alone.
There are so many people here, going through the things you are going through, and learning to trust ourselves and our feelings.
Welcome!
I would recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting, and going to at least six (and a couple different ones) before deciding whether or not Al-Anon will help you.
Also, how close are you to his father? If you feel his father would listen, then go for it. As Donna has already stated, people who have come close to addiction can recognize addiction before anyone else, and sober alcoholics are some of the best at recognizing practicing ones. Depending upon how much contact his father actually has with him (and you said it's his manager at work, so probably a lot), he either suspects or already knows.
In this case, do what your gut says is the right thing to do.
As for leaving, whether you stay or you leave, you'll know when you're ready to change your answer. There is no reason to rush things right now.
It's time to just do the "next right thing." In this case, that may be notifying his father, if that's what your instincts say to do.
Most importantly, you are not alone.
There are so many people here, going through the things you are going through, and learning to trust ourselves and our feelings.
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
hi cp85rn...and 
to SR.
I'm glad you found this site. The people here saved my hide so many times. There's lots of wisdom, humour and support to be found here.
I just wanted to speak to a few things in your initial and subsequent posts.
Even if your AH (alcoholic husband) "only" binge drinks every few months, YOU have a problem with his drinking...so there's a problem. Please try to remember that alcoholic is a progressive disease...it ends in death if left untreated. The binges will eventually get closer and closer together until he's a daily drinker.
As for speaking to your AH's father...you could, for the sake of getting support for yourself BUT I surmise that your goal is to somehow get him to talk to your AH and convince him to get treatment. Right?
Please remember that
You didn't CAUSE the drinking
You can't CONTROL the drinking
You can't CURE the drinking.
Nothing you say or do (and nothing anyone else says or does) can change your AH. You simply do not have that power. The only power you have is over the most important person in your life: YOU.
Please take care of yourself, because if you don't, no one else will.
And please (I'm speaking as a single mother of a toddler I had with an alcoholic), for the love of God, don't have children with this man until you're truly sure that he's been in recovery for at least a year.
I hope you keep coming back here to post and read as much as you need.
to SR.I'm glad you found this site. The people here saved my hide so many times. There's lots of wisdom, humour and support to be found here.
I just wanted to speak to a few things in your initial and subsequent posts.
Even if your AH (alcoholic husband) "only" binge drinks every few months, YOU have a problem with his drinking...so there's a problem. Please try to remember that alcoholic is a progressive disease...it ends in death if left untreated. The binges will eventually get closer and closer together until he's a daily drinker.
As for speaking to your AH's father...you could, for the sake of getting support for yourself BUT I surmise that your goal is to somehow get him to talk to your AH and convince him to get treatment. Right?
Please remember that
You didn't CAUSE the drinking
You can't CONTROL the drinking
You can't CURE the drinking.
Nothing you say or do (and nothing anyone else says or does) can change your AH. You simply do not have that power. The only power you have is over the most important person in your life: YOU.
Please take care of yourself, because if you don't, no one else will.
And please (I'm speaking as a single mother of a toddler I had with an alcoholic), for the love of God, don't have children with this man until you're truly sure that he's been in recovery for at least a year.
I hope you keep coming back here to post and read as much as you need.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
In response to your direct question on asking for help. I can only offer what my experience has been, and you will have to choose your path.
I talked to her mom.
I talked to her "best friend"
I talked to her "close friends"
I talked to the neighbors.
100% of them dismissed me, took her side, said I was the problem. Her mother, who was married to an alcoholic for 30 years is only able to hear what her daughter says. No amount of talking from me has ever swayed her opinion. If her daughter tells her she's been sober for 60 days, then it is true. Even when I went to the stash place and pulled out a brand new bottle and showed her, the Mother can not accept the truth.
The neighbors continued to offer her wine at every social event.
The best friend said I'm the one with the drinking problem.
The close friends just called her up and complained about the gall I had to try and discuss this with them.
I talked to her mom.
I talked to her "best friend"
I talked to her "close friends"
I talked to the neighbors.
100% of them dismissed me, took her side, said I was the problem. Her mother, who was married to an alcoholic for 30 years is only able to hear what her daughter says. No amount of talking from me has ever swayed her opinion. If her daughter tells her she's been sober for 60 days, then it is true. Even when I went to the stash place and pulled out a brand new bottle and showed her, the Mother can not accept the truth.
The neighbors continued to offer her wine at every social event.
The best friend said I'm the one with the drinking problem.
The close friends just called her up and complained about the gall I had to try and discuss this with them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: kentucky
Posts: 7
I never mentioned that my husband is a very high functioning alcoholic. We don't drink much around our families... friends have seen it before, and I've talked about it with a few of my close girlfriends, and they feel bad that this is happening, but none of them really understand the issue... They don't disregard my feelings, but they cant really give me any reassurance or advice...
I feel like the only person that I could tell that would have any use would be his father, considering he is the recovered alcoholic and his manager... I don't believe his dad knows actually... I dunno if he has ever suspected anything or not. His company has 2 buildings... his dad works in one, and then my husband works in the other and of course there are other workers but it is a small business (His dad owns half the company along with his uncle though)... also, he lived upstairs at his parents house, but they NEVER went upstairs (they have bad knees/backs) so they seriously never went up there ever. When we have them over, we don't usually drink with/around them, so I think the only time they have really seen him drink was at our own wedding... which I didn't want to mention it, but he embarrassed me at our own wedding with how he was acting. I told him I didn't want him to get too drunk, but he did... and I didn't make a big deal about it that day/night because I didn't want to ruin our wedding day. :-(
However sometimes when we go over to their house his dad will offer a beer to him, along with his grandfather when we go over there... and I just wanna be like nooooo... but I don't think anyone knows... he is highly functional for the time being, but I know that if it continues and it gets worse, he wont forever be highly functional like this!
If I was to tell his dad, with him being his boss and a recovering alcoholic, I feel I wont be the only one who knows, and I wont be the only one "holding him accountable"... I don't know... I really don't know what it would do, but maybe it will give him someone who can talk to him about making better decisions, because obviously I'm not helping him one bit.
I feel like the only person that I could tell that would have any use would be his father, considering he is the recovered alcoholic and his manager... I don't believe his dad knows actually... I dunno if he has ever suspected anything or not. His company has 2 buildings... his dad works in one, and then my husband works in the other and of course there are other workers but it is a small business (His dad owns half the company along with his uncle though)... also, he lived upstairs at his parents house, but they NEVER went upstairs (they have bad knees/backs) so they seriously never went up there ever. When we have them over, we don't usually drink with/around them, so I think the only time they have really seen him drink was at our own wedding... which I didn't want to mention it, but he embarrassed me at our own wedding with how he was acting. I told him I didn't want him to get too drunk, but he did... and I didn't make a big deal about it that day/night because I didn't want to ruin our wedding day. :-(
However sometimes when we go over to their house his dad will offer a beer to him, along with his grandfather when we go over there... and I just wanna be like nooooo... but I don't think anyone knows... he is highly functional for the time being, but I know that if it continues and it gets worse, he wont forever be highly functional like this!
If I was to tell his dad, with him being his boss and a recovering alcoholic, I feel I wont be the only one who knows, and I wont be the only one "holding him accountable"... I don't know... I really don't know what it would do, but maybe it will give him someone who can talk to him about making better decisions, because obviously I'm not helping him one bit.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Or maybe his family will turn on you and accuse you of lying.
Not trying to be the bringer of bad news here, but it is possible. I've seen it on this board before: the spouse of an alcoholic turns to the alcoholic's family and friends for support, only to find them in deep denial OR to find that they blame the spouse for the addiction.
It can be very tricky to involve the family of our alcoholic into the mix. Not everyone is ready to face the music; some will never be.
If you are able to talk to them with no other goal than to impart some information, knowing full well that it may cause a sh*tstorm, and having no expectations of those to whom your impart that information, then by all means go ahead.
IMO, your means of support needs to lie elsewhere, namely in Al-Anon, counselling and SR. If by some chance, your AH's family supports you in your efforts, GREAT; if not, well, it was to be expected.
Not trying to be the bringer of bad news here, but it is possible. I've seen it on this board before: the spouse of an alcoholic turns to the alcoholic's family and friends for support, only to find them in deep denial OR to find that they blame the spouse for the addiction.
It can be very tricky to involve the family of our alcoholic into the mix. Not everyone is ready to face the music; some will never be.
If you are able to talk to them with no other goal than to impart some information, knowing full well that it may cause a sh*tstorm, and having no expectations of those to whom your impart that information, then by all means go ahead.
IMO, your means of support needs to lie elsewhere, namely in Al-Anon, counselling and SR. If by some chance, your AH's family supports you in your efforts, GREAT; if not, well, it was to be expected.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by cp85rn 
You are probably right... I dunno anymore if it would be a good idea... :-/ Thanks for making me realize this.
I recommend two books:
Codependent No More
and No More Letting Go by Debra Jay ... this is a great book about ways to deal with a loved ones addiction constructively.
It is difficult when someone is high functioning and a closet drinker ... if he were in jail or the gutter getting a well planned out family intervention would be the most effective way to draw a line in the sand.
Its hard to say what might come of involving his family... read No More Letting Go and it might give you more insight on ways to possibly view or approach this problem.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
