Supposed "Fresh Start"...

Old 02-03-2011, 12:57 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: uk
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Supposed "Fresh Start"...

hey guys, how you all doing? Just need to vent and get some honest opinions please...

Not sure if you remember but i mentioned i had the opportunity of a fresh start at my mums place near London after my ABF dumped me. Im from Scotland originally. Well i arrived last night and boy is it not what i was expecting, especially for still being on crutches for a broken foot.

She told me last week the house needed a "little tlc" which i assumed to be a lick of paint here and there. In reality the house is like a building site and i'm shocked to see the way she's been living for a year +. Theres no carpets, no cooker, no washing machine, two bedrooms but only one bed, no curtains, a stained 2nd hand sofa. The only room with a bed has no door handle and can only be opened with a pair of pliers. Mums sleeping on the sofa. Mum works really unsociable hours so i'll be stuck at home alone with only a radio for company.

I feel like im being a whiney, spoiled brat but i dont feel this is a safe place for me to stay to rest my broken foot. Iv got splinters in my good foot from the bare floors. It's now 7am, was woken up by glaring sun due to no curtains, cried myself to sleep around 3am thinking about everything thats happened over last 2 months. Mums just gone off to meet her creepy bf for a day out, i couldnt face it. I feel she's lured me here under false pretenses. Oh she also announced after i booked my flight that pretty much 2 days after i arrive her and her bf are away on holiday for a week, leaving me here on my own in this strange new place where i dont know anyone. I dont want to be here but feel like i cant tell her as she did come all the way to scotland to collect me due to my broken foot.

I feel so hurt and angry inside. And i feel resentful my ex abandoned me when i needed him. Right about now he's sitting getting waited on hand and foot in our old home by his co-dependant enabling family. He broke his own ankle couple of weeks ago after usual storming out to get blind drunk. He's now milking it for sympathy after not looking after me properly when i broke my foot badly. For example he wouldnt pick up groceries which resulted in me losing lots of weight when i was housebound. I wish he realised what im going through.

I dunno how much more i can take, i dont feel strong anymore xx
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Old 02-03-2011, 06:55 AM
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twinkle *hugs*

I'm sorry to hear your fresh start isn't what you hoped it would be. What do you want/need to do to make you feel comfortable and safe? If it is going back to Scotland, then do it. If it is staying in London but moving out of this situation, then what can be done to make that happen? Spend some time thinking about what twinkle needs and plan to make that happen. Focus, back on you. Right now, I think it's o.k to be a little selfish and do what is totally best for YOU.

As for your A, meh, he'll be the same whether you're finding your happy place or not. Less about him.. more about twinkle huh?

I'm not sure what part of London you are in, but is there an Al-anon meeting near you? I know you're nursing a broken foot (and getting around London on public transport is fraught at the best of times, let alone on crutches), but maybe a phone call to one of the meetings attendees might get you a lift to it (?).


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Old 02-03-2011, 07:31 AM
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You feel helpless.

What can you do to empower yourself just a wee bit?

Hang a towel or sheet over that window so you can sleep better?

Remember every tiny thing that you can do for yourself will make you feel like you have conquered something.

Come on--there's a conquerer fighter in you--little victories can feel like big ones.
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Old 02-03-2011, 12:47 PM
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Sending hugs, Twinkle.

Man, I understand being floored by my mom's behavior. I mean don't get me wrong, she loves me, she's been as supportive as she can be while living in her own denial world with her ABF. But there have been times I was left asking "Really? You're going to leave your daughter who just admitted to abuse in her marriage and is going through a divorce and custody battle to go hang out with your ABF? Really?"

I can tell myself that I'm adult all I want and that she's under no obligation to baby me anymore, but part of me is still that little girl, jumping up and down, stamping my foot, yelling "It's not fair! It's not fair! I need your shoulder now." It's taking a lot of work for me to realize that she's doing what she can with the tools she's willing to use. It doesn't make me happy, but it does help me understand a little bit, grudgingly, maybe.

Hang in there and do try to find a way to do something nice for yourself.
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Old 02-03-2011, 01:08 PM
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Been there (only the house I loved into was in better shape than your Mom's - albeit looking a little like someone with a hoarding disorder!) done that.

I am exactly 30 days into living at Mom's with my two teenage daughters and my two neurotic dogs. It took two full weeks to get set up and feel somewhat coherent again, and now two weeks later I feel more settled but still very disoriented. Expect that. It will pass but over time. The feelings you have now are normal. I was so angry this morning - for no REAL reason - that by the time I got to work I had worked myself up to a full on cry-session. Tomorrow I may wake up feeling relieved again to be somewhere, anywhere, where there is peace. It seems to come and go.

I have no advice other than to say let yourself roll through the emotions and keep reminding yourself this too shall pass. It's temporary. You need to heal (physically and emotionally) and then you have the rest of your life to plan and craft! That's exciting!

Remember the serenity prayer. You have a lot of courage already. Don't second guess yourself too much.
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