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How serious is this situation?

Old 01-28-2011, 01:37 PM
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How serious is this situation?

hello everyone, i was hoping you could give me some advice.

i have have been living with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. when we first met he would drink about a bottle of whiskey a day plus numerous beers. at first it was fun when we were just hanging out, but when our relationship became serious this started to cause a lot of problems. he is not an angry or violent drunk, more of an embarrassing drunk, who can get very obnoxious and out of control (to other people and sometimes me) (although he thinks he's hilariously funny). our relationship APART from his drinking, is PERFECT. he is kind, sweet, loving, honest, and i am really happy with him.

about a year and a half ago, i told him that his drinking was causing me a great deal of distress and that i was going to an Al Anon meeting. he took me very seriously, responded by quitting drinking for a month, and told me that he would not not drink liquor again, only beer. now a year later, he has kept to his word, and does not drink liquor.

drinking beer takes him longer to get drunk but he gets there eventually... of course. he is actually not drinking as much as he did back then but i still feel as if it is a problem. he drinks every weekend, sometimes as much as 25 or 30 beers (depending on whom he is with. if he is with his hard drinking friends he will drink that much, sometimes less, but usually at LEAST 12-15 beers). he is in a band and his bandmate buys him a 12 pack of beer every time they rehearse (3 times a week) and he usually drinks the whole pack. so on tuesdays, thursdays and sundays he is drinking at least 12 beers and on friday and saturday nights it is usually way more but at least that amount.

the fact that he stuck to his word about not drinking hard liquor is very commendable but he seems to think that this arrangement is now fine, which i am not so sure about. another few things: he is 24, works a regular job (which he is reliable at, misses the odd day every now and again but nothing serious). he pays his share of rent, bills, food etc.

my question is: how worried do i need to be about this situation? he knows that he is an alcoholic, but feels that his not drinking liquor has the situation under control. every so often i talk to him about it, saying that he seems to be drinking more and more, but he assures me that all is ok. does the drinking get progressively worse?
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Old 01-28-2011, 01:41 PM
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Yes, alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better unless they seek recovery. If it's a problem for you now, it will be a bigger problem in the future. Not what you wanted to hear, I'm sure, but the truth nonetheless.

Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of supportive people here who have been in the same situation you are in now. Hang around and do a lot of reading and posting. We're here to support you.
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Old 01-28-2011, 01:51 PM
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thank you. it is kind of what i was expecting to hear actually. and to be honest, his drinking right now doesn't cause that much of a problem.. he rarely goes out anywhere without me, and like i said, doesn't get violent but i am still very concerned about the amount he is drinking, from a health point of view. but that is right now. i am wondering whether things will be different in a few years time...

he said to me a few days ago that he would try to drink less in one sitting (because i confronted him about the amount of beer he was drinking in one day). this morning i found the empty 12 pack of beer his bandmate had brought around yesterday afternoon and texted him to say "i though you were going to drink less beer in one sitting. you drank the whole 12 pack yesterday" and he responded with "yes, over a 8-9 hour day". is it just me or does 12 beers over the day seem excessive? i feel like i'm the one with the problem... i'm so confused.
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Old 01-28-2011, 02:02 PM
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Yep alcohol is a progressive disease. One thing I have learned, having spoken to As (recovering) other than my ex is, there is no magic number for the amount of alcohol consumed in order for it to be considered a problem.

The amount he drinks may not be a problem for him, but it sounds like it is a problem for you. Read, post, talk.. you'll find support and understanding.

Tx
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Old 01-28-2011, 02:13 PM
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Pan, 12 beers is alot. When I was in my 20's, a twelve pack was not an unusual amount in a day/evening. Like Suki said, it is progressive. I can vouch for that - I am 44 and quit last Christmas after I simply couldn't go on any longer. The tough part about being young is that you really don't have much in the way of consequences - the body is pretty amazing in that way. Trouble is, by the time an alcoholic is internally recognizing (I would NEVER admit to those thoughts to my ex-gf at the time) that the tail has begun to wag the dog, it's extremely hard to stop and it's far easier to think that all is reasonably well and if it ever REALLY becomes a problem, I will deal with it then. Your bf is probably a wonderful and creative person, he sounds like it from your post. But if he is an alcoholic there's a lot of heartache coming down the pike.

I wish you well. If you were my sister, I would advise that you seriously think about whether a realtionship with this man is in your long term interests. Talk to him about his drinking, but if he is anything like I was at 24, he will dismiss what you are saying. Sorry, but that's my honest two cents worth. Feel free to reply or PM if you have further questions.

Edd

Last edited by Eddiebuckle; 01-28-2011 at 02:14 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 01-28-2011, 03:00 PM
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Welcome.

In my experience my XAH was willing to change what he drank if it meant I would leave the issue alone for a while. Then he would just hide the fact he was drinking the hard stuff (Whiskey) by hiding it in the glass of wine. How gross does that sound?!

Also, he was always very good at making me feel like I was strange for having the concerns...that I was extreme in my thinking because I wasn't and never have really enjoyed alcohol. The truth is (in my experience) he was just trying to get me thinking I was the unusual one...I was the one with the issue....

I hope my experience is helpful. I really wish you luck. It's progressive...I had kids with my A, and things get much more difficult.
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Old 01-28-2011, 03:15 PM
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Drinking is progressive. Five years ago my XABF was drinking a shot of whiskey on weekday mornings (I didn't even know he drank). I never in a million years believed it would progress to him gulping down a pint in an hour after work, and escalate into him throwing chairs when I didn't get upset enough for his tastes.

Not all alcoholics throw chairs, of course... Some are "happy drunks". But whatever kind he is, it does take a toll. You can't force him to get help (it won't work if you try), but you do need to accept that all the time he doesn't get help (for himself!) is time spent sinking deeper into the addiction.
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Old 01-28-2011, 03:17 PM
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Yes he is drinking excessively. It doesn't matter if he is drinking whiskey or beer - it is all alcohol. Sort of like the difference between Mt. Dew and Coke. Not much.

Yes it will get worse. Alcoholism is progressive but that doesn't just mean the amount he drinks. It means that life will begin to unravel over time. Commitments are not made or kept, priorities are backwards, health consequences, mental health consequences (like anxiety etc.) that have profound effects, things like that. Add in different life priorities as people age (like kids, marriage, career, family) and suddenly things start to become more complicated again. Drinking excessively 5 nights a week is one thing when you are single and 24, a whole different thing when you are 40, married, kids, career (or lack of one), financial security/goals, house, etc. Those are things that I did not predict when my xah and I were young and without kids. Sometimes that progression is slow, and sometimes fast, but it always progresses.

I hate to be such a pessimist but discussions about his drinking is a huge waste of time. It does not matter what he says is or isn't a problem, how he will handle or control it, what he agrees to or says he will do....it is all just empty words. There is one thing you can ALWAYS count on with an alcoholic and that is - their actions will protect and serve the addiction - every single time.
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Old 01-28-2011, 03:35 PM
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"Under Control" Two of the most dangerous words for an alcoholic to hold on to. A drinking alcoholic NEVER has it "under control". Be very wary of those words.
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Old 01-28-2011, 03:36 PM
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Yep. It is serious. You think it's serious or you wouldn't have posted here. I'm so glad that you did post because you'll find a lot of support and help here.

As others have already said, alcoholism is progressive. It always gets worse. You'll probably hear that again from others. That's because it's an important fact to understand. If you don't like your life with him now, it's only going to get worse

I know from my own experience that you have a hard road ahead of you, if you stay with this guy. It's going be a bit like a bed of nails.

I encourage you to click on Starcat and Thumper's profiles and read their posts. You will learn a lot from them.

I'm assuming that you are a young woman, maybe even younger than your ABF. If you were my daughter I'd be worried sick about you.
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Old 01-28-2011, 03:54 PM
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Welcome to the forum, Pandora!
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Old 01-28-2011, 04:45 PM
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Originally Posted by pandora999 View Post
about a year and a half ago, i told him that his drinking was causing me a great deal of distress and that i was going to an Al Anon meeting. he took me very seriously, responded by quitting drinking for a month, and told me that he would not not drink liquor again, only beer. now a year later, he has kept to his word, and does not drink liquor.
Did you ever make it to that meeting?


Maybe it's time to give it a try.

And welcome pandora999 hope you stick around!
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Old 03-19-2011, 06:57 PM
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thank you SO MUCH for all your replies and for your concern. they are very much appreciated and i'm sorry for the delay in getting back on here to respond. things have gotten slightly worse since this post and i'm going to post a new thread now. i had a very upsetting, stressful night last night and i just don't know how much i can take of this situation.
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Old 03-19-2011, 07:15 PM
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I left an XABF two years ago. He keeps doing what he has always done. And will continue to do until God knows when. Maybe only death stops him. He said that is what he was looking forward to all his life.

Drinking.

12 beers to me, equals a raging alcoholic that has been for years now, is now tolerant.
I know "only they can call themselves alcoholics" but come on.

It all depends on how much of your life you want to miss.
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Old 03-19-2011, 07:28 PM
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hi takingcharge999, and thank you for your reply.

i just posted a new thread, maybe you want to read that so you can get an idea of where i'm at right now...
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