sesh

IMO the best way to figure out what you need is to try and get centred in yourself, and the best way to do that is to go silent and stop acting and thinking and WANTING things to be a certain way. With all happening in your life right now, I'd say you're in the eye of the Storm, when the same thing was happening to me that was when I first found my clarity. I lost it few times since, but each time it happened it was easier to get it back as I knew what does it look like and I knew the path to it.
Once I stopped thinking and fighting and once I let the life happen things started to fall back into its right place and I was finally able to to get to know myself a bit and figure out what is it that I need. Before that happened I first needed to realize one thing and that is: life is not going to stop, no catastrophy is going to happen if I stop taking care of everyone and fixing everything. To realize that I needed to go back in time and question everything that made me the person I was: my fears, my hopes, my ilusions, my defence mechanism, my behavior patters, the lot. It was a hard work, but I did it with the help of my SR friends. They have saved my life, or at least my sanity.
So today I am a different person, I know I can not save or help my STBXAH, I'm divorcing him even thought he might die soon, and I have a boy friend. I have a boyfrined bacause right now I NEED someone to love me and be there for me. And only few months ago I thought I'd die if my H was drinking again, as that would mean he might die. Still I am incredibly sad for what is going on with him. I care for him deeply, but I have learned to care for myself and our kids more.
I guess the basic truth is things can get better but only if we make it better, but only for ourselves as we don't owe anyone's life or destiny but our own. IMO we are creatures of change, our HP is constantly giving us road signs how to move into positive deriction, and to get there all we need to do is to let go.
I don't know if anything of what I'm saying is making any sense to you right now, but stick around SR and read as much as you can, post all you're thinking about and we'll be there for you. Take one step at the time and you get where you need to be.
Take care

DiskJock

So I guess what I'm learning is that an addictive personality is dangerous and unpredictable even when sober. It's just not possible that this person can become dependable and participate as a full partner in a relationship. It's just too much at ask for the selfishness to go away and to be the number one in importance to the addictive person.
I wish I could let go and just be happy, but I'm pretty positive that I will be hurt and disappointed again. And soon.

atalose

Disk,

I know how devastating relapse is, it leaves you empty, confused, frustrated, rejected, sad, and lonely and a bunch of other emotions all going up and down and all over the place like a roller coaster ride.

My own personal experience with loving someone who has addiction issues has been, relapse has unfortunately become his norm these last few years. I didn’t really figure that out until lately. He cycle became - that he would be great working a program and remaining sober/clean for 6, 7 or 8 months then bam a relapse. Each relapse was worse, he’d deteriorate at a faster rate, where 3 years ago it would have taken several months of using drugs before I could tell he was using again. This last one it was only a matter of him being on pain pills for a few weeks before his mind became consumed with his addictions.

If your instincts are telling you something, please listen carefully and proceed with caution, no matter what you decide.

Shellcrusher

First off, welcome to SR. We're all exposed to similar situations and it may overwhelm you as you read more. So yes, you've found a great source of support and we get it.

Here's my attempt to help answer your question.
There are many times when I don't know what I want. Therefore, I start concentrating on what I need. When those are met, somehow my head starts coming up with all kinds of wants. My little boy is included in this exercise.

The key is to not include the needs and wants of your AH. He's a big boy. Let him tend to himself. Wait. He already is and you're not part of it. Harsh but true.

Keep posting and keep reading. Pelican brought up the 3 Cs. Learn them and keep them in the front of you mind at all times.

You didn't cause this.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

I'll also point you in the direction of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie