transformyself

Hi Everybody!

I don't know if I"m just becoming more aware of my dysfunctional patterns with boundaries or if I'm actually becoming more jacked up, but boy oh boy am I aware of it lately.

Example: The new printer we've switched to for printing my newspaper calls to say delivery will be at 7am at my house and 9am at the Warehouse where we keep most of the papers.

Instead of saying, "that's too early. The warehouse doesn't open until 11am and I can't have a giant truck in my drive at 6:30 the neighbors will kill me," I say, oh, ok and hustle to try to make folks get to the warehouse early enough for the delivery.

WTF is wrong with me?!? Really? I didn't even occur to me to say NO!

Ugh. That and I'm getting a plane at 6:30am tomorrow and I HATE flying, I'm so anxious it's not even funny. I can barely breath at times.

But breath I do.

Please know that if I die on that plane tomorrow I LOVE YOU ALL~!
Transformie.

coyote21

Last time I got on a plane, I pounded a couple of beers, and several mixed drinks in about an hour. I was good to go.

Now I drive. You know, a million $'s worth of flight insurance is only about $5. Good luck Transformie.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. Who knew about that whole "NO" thing? It never really occurred to me either. But it does work pretty well.

fourmaggie

BREATH! this too shall pass....

tjp613

I've been practicing the "no" thing this last 6 months and it really does work! I've always been like you, Trans... especially to people I am paying good money to do a service!? WTF is THAT about?

Like, do you ever tell a hairdresser that just did a major butcher job, "Oh, yeah! That looks great"....pay $75 on your way out, then go home and re-do the whole dang thing?

I drove myself crazy doing that and I'm reforming my ways!

My new favorite is, "No, I'm sorry...that doesn't work for me." Try it on for size!!

theuncertainty

No. I find it really hard to say also - well to others. I can sing it all day long as a nonsense song (BTW, there's a great one by They Might Be Giants for those with little ones). But if some one asks me to do something, it's OK. Knee-jerk reaction.

It's fairly simple. 2 letters. I mean it's usually one of the first words we learn as a kid. And we generally have no problem saying no then.
Okay, kiddo, into bed. No.
Time to change into clothes/jammas. No.
Lets get in the car to go to ____. No.
Bath time, kiddo. No.
No. No. No. No.
When do we drop it out of our vocabulary?

I hate flying, too. Well flying's not such a big deal, it's the take-off and landings I hate. I find tormenting the person sitting next to me by talking a mile a minute about nothing and not letting them go back to sleep to be wonderfully distracting. Of course, I usually have had like a billion cups of coffee because I'm nervous about it (can I say, that's really not the best solution?). You'll be fine.

Learn2Live

I get angry at others when I think they want something and I can't deliver. How sick is that? First of all, I assume. Second, I get angry at THEM. I get hot under the collar there's so much pressure on me to please everyone. And me? I have no needs, or at least regularly ignore them.

Love ya too Transformy, the plane will be fine.

coyote21

I don't know anything about $75 haircuts, but I know about loyalty to a hairdresser. Went to the same lady here for over 10 years, tipped her good, got about 1 good haircut out of every 5.

She NEVER cut my hair the same way 2 times in a row. All scissors one time, all clippers the next. I just took it for granted, to come home, clean up her mistakes, and live with it for a week till I got used to it. Screw that.

The last time I used her, she told me her house was fixing to go into foreclosure. WTF, our town has almost doubled in size in ten years. MOST of those people have effing hair. She should be buying a second house. Then it hit me........drugs/alcohol is the ONLY plausible explanation. She's fired.

New haircut lady, same exact haircut 3 months in a row now. People complimenting me, looks good when I get home, no cleaning up mistakes. It's not rocket science, why did I put up with crappy/junkie haircuts so long?

That doesn't work for me any more.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

lillamy

OMW, I recognize myself in this!!! Brilliant! (I'm not laughing at you, btw, I'm laughing at myself!)

The flight will be fine, Transformie. I travel so much I can now be gone for a week and never check a bag (it all fits in a backpack, plus of course I carry my computer bag) and I've never, ever had an incident that was even remotely troublesome with a plane flight. Worst case I've seen was a 3-hour delay at an airport where restaurants closed at 10 pm.

And maybe we should all surround ourselves with children who are at their height of saying "No" just for inspiration? I've got a couple I'd be willing to loan to a good home...

naive

good for you for recognizing this...

now, we'll practice together (i'm just learning this too):

"No, that doesn't work for me"
"No, the warehouse won't be open at that hour"
"No, noon works better for me."
"No, i have another commitment. we'll need to arrange a different time."

along the same lines, why do i feel that i have to be available all day long to everyone as it suits them?

fourmaggie

@ Naive..printing those NO statements as we speak....they are so easy, CLEAR and settle...

CircleInTheSea

Saying 'yes' when I really mean 'NO' is a bad habit for me too. Hugs, it's a hard one to break!

TakingCharge999

jds, that same codependency of mine resulted in a car accident as I was driving exhausted from working overtime without it ever being recognized/paid, while the rest of my coworkers (15 of them) were having a life.

The manager told me no one ever had reported so much time of work. And then scolded me.

I also realized customers will be happy if I am a robot without needs. Last weekend I worked almost ALL day. A coworker who had to do similar chores just told me today he realized he will NEVER please this customer. Codependency affects us a lot at work. Please don't have an accident like I did, to learn that.


Today the team lead said he would take some tasks from me and ask other coworkers to help out. I felt weird explaining the mess of a project for others to solve. I told my team lead that I could do X and Y. He said "No. Forget this account, you keep doing stuff for the other one". It felt weird to have others consider MY TIME. Then it started feeling good. I had complained earlier, which was difficult, but it was also weird for me to have others help me. And that has brought me too many issues. Its OK to say NO! Its OK to ask for help.

Daily practice !!! Hope you are well transformy

bookwyrm

This is what I'm trying to do at work too - delegation has never been one of my strong points but there is only so much one person can do on her own! I need to trust that others can do stuff too and just let go...

naive

quite interesting how co-dependemcy issues bleed into other aspect of our lives.

when i first began therapy, my therapist said that my issues would arrive even in our relationship, as doctor and patient. i thought "how is that possible? i'm hear to learn how to establish boundaries and because of my xABF."

well, sure enough, it did. oftentimes, she would give me some homework to do. so i'd allocate some time, maybe an hour before our appointment, to organize my thoughts and do my homework. but then the doorbell would ring and it would be a friend, coming over for a cup of tea unannounced. or, it would be my downstairs neighbor, needing help hanging her curtains, etc.

sure enough, i'd cycle like a madwomen, scrambling to make my therapy appointment on-time, homework not done.

when i arrived, all out of breath, my therapist would ask "naive, why are you panting?" and i'd explain that i was rushing because so and so had turned up, needing some help from my or my company and then i'd explain that while i had planned to use the morning to prepare, i was interupted and i hadn't done my work.

she'd just smile at me and say "see, remember, i told you that your issues would come into even our relationship." and then she would ask me why i didn't just say NO, that i was busy doing something else.

Learn2Live

I am always accommodating OTHERS before myself. For example, I will spend money on something that I know THEY want or would like but do not spend that much money on my self.

I think of others' wants and needs and ignore my own.

I waste A LOT of time on stupid stuff like Facebook and internet news (I am distracted by them daily and then get lost on the internet for hours every day) and competely ignore myself. I don't exercise or eat right.

Whenever I talk to people, I rush. I am always careful to speak in ways that I think will prevent others from misunderstanding me, intead of just speaking. I ALWAYS think that I am wasting the other person's time, that what I am saying to them or have to say to them is NOT important, and that they really don't want to hear me or talk to me.

WOW. Great thread. Thanks Transformy. When ya' comin' back I wonder?

wicked

Transform is a transformer. hehehehehe Oh, I am so smart, that is what I tell myself anyway.

Hmm, people assume that I don't want to help them, so they don't ask.
But you know, it would not be long before I made it my responsibility.
I feel guilty about collecting disability and have trouble with my self worth.
So, if I help someone in someway, I gain some good feelings.
Helping and doing are to make me feel better about myself.
Damn, got me talking about my poor self worth.

transform, you are doing great.

Beth

StarCat

Same here! It didn't help that XABF always told me I talked too much, and if I would stop wasting people's time (and talk "succinctly" like him) then I would be much better off.
The end result was I stopped talking completely. XABF liked it' he'd talk for hours without interruption that way (succinctly, my foot). But then again, he always talked right through our books on CD and everything, too, and I got yelled at if I made a quick comment between chapters.


Transform, you are doing a great job, and this is a wonderful thread.

wow1323

Tomorrow is not your day to die. Keep breathing don't hold your breath. WE NEED you here. I will keep yu in my prayers.
THE PLANE- just a few suggestions
1. ear plugs
2. ipod--on it, Dr wayne dyer or guided meditaion
3. Favorite book
4. eye mask

Learn2Live

OMG Beth you crack me up sometimes

Learn2Live

What IS that StarCat, do you know?
Did you start talking again?
Are you like that with more people than just him? I think I'm like that with most everyone. There are some people who I am not like that with, I think. They must be my soulmates. HAHAHA Just kidding.