FormerDoormat

I am a single mother. Twenty-five years ago, I had an unplanned pregnancy. When I told my boyfriend that I was having a baby, he said "get rid of it, or I'm gone." I told him to take a hike and I never looked back. He never saw my daughter and never paid me any child support. I could have spent years chasing him, encouraging him to be part of his daughter's life, and taking him to court for child support, but I decided that no father was better for my daughter than a father who didn't care about her--or me.

I was earning 11,000 per year at the time, and I convinced myself that "I can do this." And I did. Things were tight for a while, but I learned how to be independent and strong, and eventually things eased up a bit and we really thrived. Today we live a good life, my daughter and I. And we want for nothing. The experience didn't harden me or make be bitter. It made me self-reliant, independent, resourceful, and strong. It had the same affect on my daughter as well.

And while my daughter didn't have a biological father in her life, she had plenty of healthy, loving father figures--my father, my five brothers, and for many, many years before he became an alcoholic, my boyfriend Richard, too.

I'm a 50-year-old woman today and I've learned that sometimes things that seemed tragic at the time were really blessings in disguise. It just takes time and clarity to see the gift.

This, too, could be a gift for you and your child. Children need healthy, stable, reliable, and loving parents in their lives. They don't need people who prefer booze, drugs, and womanizing over spending time with their children.

MissGuided

Hi Sasha, I read your story and I really felt your pain. I also read all the replies you got and it just reaffirms my belief that reaching out for support from people who have been in the same painful position is a great first step in moving forward. And everyone here seems so knowledgable and so generous in sharing their stories and giving people the benefit of thier experience

I am new here too, I also have a young daughter and though our situations are different, I know that when you have a child wrapped up in this mess your heart just breaks for THEM! So much more then yourself right?

My exAH calls our daughter every day. every morning to say good morning and every evening to say goodnight. But you know what? I think hes just a hypocrite! Thats all he can do? he already emotionally checked out on her. He is physically incapable of looking after her. when she does see him, she comes back saying 'daddy got sick in the garbage' 'daddy has a booboo' 'daddy needs medicine'.
And when he was able to watch her - where would he take her? The bar!!!!
Sometimes I think she would be better off without him honestly.

I just wanted to say that it sounds like your ex is drinking or definitely using again. maybe he knows hes no good for you and her right now. Maybe hes just a 'dry drunk'. WHATEVER the reason is for his nastiness at the moment, you dont need that in your life and your daughter certainly doesnt! Dont keep killing yourself with the whys of it all. One thing I did learn is that alcoholics have no explanations for anything they do because 'they are not doing anything wrong' !!
Be strong and big hugs to you and your little one

LS2

I think it is just soooo CRAZY how so many of these stories are alike. Our stories are similar except mine is still here, and I can relate to the "I am to good for AA and can do it myself"

I can see how hurt you are in your post and it is hard! I don't understand how any person can blow off their own kid...My DDF hasn't done it to my kids, but he abandoned his 6 year old son from a previous relationship.

You are better without him and don't deserve to be treated like that!

Take care of yourself and your daughter.