lillamy

Those of you who left your A spouse and moved on -- whether you're still single or cautiously dating or remarried or whatever... talk to me about the road there.

How long did it take you to be ready to date? What were your biggest issues if you have started dating? If you haven't, is that a choice you've made, or are you still not feeling ready? If you're in a new relationship, what challenges do you have that you see as carrying over from your relationship with an alcoholic?

Right now, I'm very much aware of some areas in my life that are still affected by my alcoholic marriage and in need of work before I expose another person to them -- but what concerns me even more are areas that I might not be aware of, that might come back and bite me in the you know what later. And I don't know if that's some kind of meta-codie-think, that "maybe I'm more screwed up than I realize and I just don't know it" or if it's residue of RAXH's telling me I'm nuts or if it's just normal worries?

coyote21

My biggest problem is that I'm one charming, funny, sexy S.O.B with a few beers in me. Problem is I don't drink any more. Never actually played sober before.

Second biggest problem, in 4 years I've met 1 woman I was attracted to, you know. She was a karate mom with 2 little girls around LMC's age. We were doing the flirting back and forth thing every week, which was good for me, as I have ZERO game.

Then I noticed how she was telling me about all the various happy hours around town, where the best free hor dourves were etc.. All this AFTER we'd discussed the fact that I DON'T drink. Then I started noticing, although she was an attractive woman, she usually looked a little "tired" for a Tuesday evening? Noticed that familiar odd smell on her breath?

Kind of pointed out to me that I'm attracted to drinkers. Can't do that again. Think maybe my picker, that's P-I-C-K-E-R, is broken. So I've decided to wait till I finish the 12 steps, plus LMC is kinda young for her dad to abandon her for a woman, after her mom already abandoned her for wine.

My MO is to lose myself in my love interests, so, time to try to fix myself first...this time. Finally. Trying something different.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

mushroom

Still single, which is the choice I made because I don't feel ready and don't know that I ever will. I go into a panic when I suspect that a man might be showing interest in me that I will have to address one way or another. I guess since all my past relationships have been with dysfunctional addictive types, I expect all future ones will be too. That's certainly a carry-over from past relationships!

So I can't tell you if there might be booby traps waiting ahead for you that you don't know about. I dunno either. I do know that we tend to have very low self esteem, us codies, and low self esteem tends to be self fulfilling. If you don't respect yourself, no one else will either.

Having a broken P-I-C-K-E-R is a common problem too! and best to wait til you have yourself fixed up to some degree, so that picker works better.

I have noticed that I am hypersensitive to anything that could possibly be construed as addictive behavior, or disrespect, or dislike, or self centeredness. These are things I've had imposed on me too much in the past and I won't risk going there again, so there's another carryover from past relationships! It keeps me safe from getting into another bad relationship. It also keeps me safe from getting into any relationship.

Thumper

I'm single, not dating. That is a choice atm, although one I don't have to enforce since I don't actually know any single men much less have to turn them down

Primarily I do not think my boys need me dating right now. I am focused on our family and need to be as things are not easy. I don't have time either. I work full time and have four kids that I parent all by myself. I either have them, or send them to a babysitter. I also would have to figure out where to actually find a man to date, lol. I seriously do not even know a single man of any caliber much less one I'd want to date.

I'm not exactly the super awesome catch that people are out looking for I'm a slightly overweight, very average looking 40+yo woman with four very young kids in tow. The very act of showing an interest in me would make me think there was something wrong with him. I've never dated. When I 'dated' a couple decades ago I was doing the whole party thing. I drank. I hooked up with people. I don't have a lot of experience with dating someone for a few months, or going out on proper dates etc. In thinking of the other thread on emotional detachment - the entire idea causes me a lot of anxiety. So yeah, typing it all out I'm a mess - not ready to date, lol.

JenT1968

LOL: I'm not ready, have no time and don't know any single men, I also am/have been attracted to men who are singularly unsuited to my wants/needs. so all in all, right now, there's nothing doing.

I don't want that to be the case forever; I don't know when I'll feel ready to go back out there, nor tbh when I'll have time, I work full-time and have the care of 2 kids full-time, when I get the opportunity to do something for me, top of the list is sleep.

I actually think my kids would be ok with me dating, I think it would be positive for them to see that (within reason) and to see a good partnership close-up, but that's not a reason in itself for me to lurch through something I'm not ready for.

I'll be watching with interest how people who have done it went about it!

trapeze

I think one reason I stay married to my RAH is to avoid the whole idea. I have no confidence in myself or my ability to pick a man. I cannot imagine taking that kind of chance again.

Learn2Live

I stayed single for awhile after I first started my Recovery and finally broke free from the alcoholic addict. That was a good decision because I was able to focus ALL my attention on me and what I needed to do for my future (went back to college).

I have never "dated" much. I got into my next relationship after a couple years. I think doing so was just a repeat of past behavior. My biggest issue, looking back, was that I hadn't learned much about how not to be codependent in a relationship. I sure knew what alcoholism and addiction looked like (how others behave) but I hadn't really changed my thinking. I was still "desperate in love" and reactive. If I wasn't that way, I was bored and uninterested.

Probably the best thing I ever did was become financially independent. That took away most of the "desperation." It helps not to need anyone else for your survival. It also helps build some confidence in yourself. It becomes pretty clear that "Hey! I can DO this!"

Biggest regret? Hurting people with my words and reactions, without even SEEING that I was hurting them (because I thought I was SO hurt by their behavior or words). Just plain overreacting and overdramatizing and not able to just get out of myself.

Biggest lesson? There's just no way through it than to go through it. Ya' don't learn a damn thing about yourself if you don't try to relate to and with others.

Live

I have always been the type to when I fall off the horse to get up and get back on one. Not jumping into relationships but being open to going out to dinner on dates and just meeting people. and thinking about the dinner as a treat and not as in "is this THE MAGIC ONE".
Personally I think it is good practice and we can learn alot about boundaries and other interpersonal skills just from that. We can learn alot about ourselves and other people.
No one is ever "perfectly recovered"..so if I wait for that, I would be dead first. LOL

wicked

trapeze,

this really broke my heart. you can stay married to RAH, and still work on feeling better about yourself. i hope you will.

Beth

CatsPajamas

I don't have time to tell my whole story here, but suffice to say that I left my marriage to AH#1 and immediately went into a relationship then marriage to AH#2. #2 was so much more fun, he didn't drink, he was much more passionate etc etc. (I learned later about "dry drunks") They seemed so different at first, and I was convinced that I was better off with #2. I stuck around in both relationships for nearly 10 yrs each as I thought they might get better, they might change, what if I left too soon and missed out on the good stuff...

and then I continued to attract and be attracted to unhealthy men - like moths to a flame. I met them everywhere I went - I even worked for a few of them. If there was an A near where I was, chances are I would find him and strike up a conversation.

Looking back on all that mess I can tell you this: I got into better and healthier relationships only after I did the hard work - Al Anon, counseling, more Al Anon and also much time here on SR. Today I am in a wonderful and healthy relationship with a fairly normal man - no A, no isms. I also work for some guys - none of whom has alcohol or addiction issues. (and for me that's a first!)

Knowing what I know now, I would have hurled myself into healing and self discovery instead of hurling myself into more dysfunction. Instead, I took the harder road. I still got where I was going, but had more issues along the journey.

wicked

Well, I have been divorced since 1998, and just starting "talking" to someone over the internet last year. We met a few time since then, and it has been good (with a couple of misteps on both of our parts.)


The terrible fear that I am not enough somehow, and I HAVE to make up for it.
He told me he thought I was beautiful smart and wanted to spend more time with me.
Of course, I felt it was all lies and he just wanted something from me, (like money) which I dont have, and he is a player.

I am not sure I am ready yet, but I am getting better at it. I have stopped thinking he is one of my exes out to get me. I have started thinking of him as an excellent friend with who I have a lot in common. He does not drink. I have been watching and listening very carefully to what he does and says. So far, just one red flag. He disappeared for about a month, he was having personal problems. I emailed and got obsessive, I cried about it. Then he came back, told me what happened. I told him I understood, but he only had one chance at that abandonment ********, next time don't come back. He got it.

I see a challenge in the trust department. My father was a cheating, abusive alcoholic. My first husband was a cheating misogynistic bully. My second husband was a cheating abusive alcoholic turned crackhead. So yeah, can I trust myself?
I told the guy I am talking to now about my upbringing and bad choices up til now.
He feels the same way, both of his exes were cheaters. He feels very strongly about trust and loyalty. So, I have put it out there, and he knows it all. So far, so good.

Beth

Man, I agree with this. I have disability from the VA. I am hardly rich, but I happy to be out of the survival mode. Desperation is not sexy. LOL
Thank you L2L

coyote21

Ding, ding, ding, ding........Coyote's million dollar, money making idea du jour..........Acoa/Al-Anon/12 stepper online dating dot com.

Instead of your common interests, we will match you up according to your dysfunctions, perfectly. Everybody's a winner.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Live

oh, man, no thanks..if there is anything that will make me nuttier than dating an addict...it is dating a co-dependent.
At least the addict is self-absorbed so I get some space to myself....I can't breathe dating a codep.

LOL
I did date one for less than 3 weeks. I recall I had a class one night and had told him so. I wound up not going to the class. My phone rings and it is him. And he starts off with this tone about like I was misbehaving or lying because I wasn't in class. So, why did he call me in the first place if he didn't expect me to be home? Gee, I am an adult, I changed my mind...I didn't know I was reporting in to anyone other than the prof about that. so what?
I chewed him out, told him he wasn't my mother or my professor, to mind his own damend business and hung up on him. Needless to say, there wasn't another date after that.
I thought it was bizarre.
This was before I met my addict.
He was checking up on me?!
I just remember thinking who the hell do you think you are?

coyote21

Damn. I was already looking at new Mustangs.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Thumper

Haha.

Well I already tried that !!

sailorjohn

Me, I haven't a clue, I expect it will be some time. I was trained to be a codie from the cradle, figure I have some parenting to do!
I really do have that codie radar, what a horrific thought, but I firmly believe it's true.

Very good example, last summer I was dragging my butt through the end of a very long distance relationship with my addict/alcoholic ex girlfriend.
Being in a long distance relationship with an addict is naturally going to leave you feeling even more 'less than'.

So, I'm sitting in my chair outside the neighboring office, trying to while away some of the very long hours, reading a book, got strung out on Dick Francis novels, all they have in the mwr's here-fiction!?!??!?

The attractive African-American lady in the office next door approaches me? And sits down and tells me her life story, allowing as to how she was married to a white guy for 17 years and he dogged her, she divorced him. She's close to my age, fairly attractive, curves in all the right places.

Next thing you know, I'm being very codie with her, running her back to her room, she doesn't have a vehicle and doesn't want to use the porta-john, hilarious, like my ex she's told me that she really only likes using her bathroom, hates using a public restroom!

This went on for a bit, was definitely feeling the vibe, but I got stopped in my tracks by several things.

I was still involved-"In a relationship with" my ex girlfriend 'S', fidelity is a two way street, there is no male prerogative, and she and I had that history of her stepping out, I wasn't going to be that kind of person again.

I was the 'dog' in my last marriage, stepping out with 'S' was what ended my marriage, so what was I going to tell this nice lady?

And I realized, I was just being very codie with her, couldn't imagine being in a relationship with her, she really wasn't my type, a stereotypical high maintenance black woman that needed a lot of male validation, the exact type of person I'd picked in the past-a woman with Daddy issues, perfect match for a guy with Momma issues

Thing that bothers me more than anything, it's like I give off this secret codie pheremone that only codie women can sense.

Yeah, it's gonna take some work.

coyote21

So it's beginning to sound like the natural codie/addict attraction IS the perfect natural pairing? Still working on fleshing out my $$$$ idea.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. So SailorJohn, you've decided to be in fricking Baghdad, Iraq. Do you think on some level, being what, 7500 miles away, is your "wall"?

sailorjohn

There is no safety, I reattached myself when I was still here back in December '09.

I never looked at it as a geographical cure, but I think on some level I may have thought that being separated that distance might 'help'.

However, I definitely don't have to worry about her showing up at my door at 2am, drunk, barefoot and wanting to 'make up'

pixilation

yes, it is one thing that is daunting to me. AH was my first "real" relationship too.

nodaybut2day

How long did it take you to be ready to date?

Well, I might be a bit of Speedy Gonzales, because I started "dating" someone a mere 4 months after having left XAH. The person was someone I'd known for a long time already and had had a crush on since we first met. We'd been friends in school and lost touch after our first "attempt" at dating, which failed due to long distance. Perhaps it was easier to date this man because we'd already known each other and there was already some level of comfort between us.

I did go out on a random date with a totally random man a month earlier, and though nothing disastrous resulted, it just didn't feel right. The guy was obviously looking for someone to travel with him and he wasn't too thrilled that I had a then-20 month old baby. No harm done though.

What were your biggest issues if you have started dating?
My issues had to do with triggers that had inserted themselves in my brain unbeknownst to me. The person I started dating (and am still dating) drinks and when I knew him, he drank a lot. So did I actually. When we first started hanging out, I was very triggered by any mention of alcohol or going to buy a bottle of wine for dinner.

I also had a bunch of sexual triggers because XAH used to use sex against me all the time, and it took a while for me to understand and address how it affected me.

I really made a point of discussing any and all issues I felt would be important with my partner. I asked him to look up codependency so he'd understand what I was concerned about.

I think the MAJOR difference in this relationship is that issues are addressed right off the bat and communication is *excellent* between us. Anytime one of us is feeling down, for whatever reason, we make sure to communicate to other other that either space or serious communication is needed. I still find this amazing because I've never experienced this level of maturity in my previous relationships.

If you're in a new relationship, what challenges do you have that you see as carrying over from your relationship with an alcoholic?

So far, this relationship is rather unique in that a) I now have a child, b) I am living with my parents (!), and c) I am making a concerted effort to keep "my territory" sacred. I refuse to abandon my interests, such as tango, or my friends, for the sake of my partner. It's a first for me to do this, but having a young child makes me understand my priorities better. I didn't used to get this at all before being a mother...I'd just let myself get swallowed whole by whatever relationship I was in. Now that I have a child, I understand the NEED to keep myself healthy and happy, so that I can be a better parent to her. Since I'm her only parent, it's doubly important.

Finally, though I have a tendency to plan my entire life out, I'm trying very hard to take this relationship day by day. Tomorrow, it might not work anymore, and though I'd be very sad, I realize that I'd be just fine. Even though my hormones are going a bit nuts right now with baby lust, I make myself stay grounded and just enjoy every day for what it is.

So far, it's going well. I believe that by February, it'll have been a year.