Post-alcoholic relationships: Talk to me
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
My short second marriage was the only A relationship I've been in and if I had not known Mel form the old days I'm sure we never would have happened. In 2007 I joined a high dollar dating service and went on dozens of first dates. That was a lot of fun and the service made it easy to meet new people. I only met one woman I wanted to see more of but unfortunately she didn't feel the same, oh well. Around 2008 I think I just plain lost interest. This has nothing to do with the fact that my last wife was an alcoholic. I feel no need to be in a relationship right now, no desire to chase after anyone. And the only thing that's missing in my life right now is a spring dive trip.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
I want to expand on mine, I was in a hurry when I posted the last thing.
The thought of being "out there" terrifies me, I mean I know I don't have to go date, etc, but just the mere thought of it is scary. I think it's going to take me quite awhile after separation to even consider another relationship.
The thought of being "out there" terrifies me, I mean I know I don't have to go date, etc, but just the mere thought of it is scary. I think it's going to take me quite awhile after separation to even consider another relationship.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
This is all very helpful to me, thank you all! 
I can very much relate to what nodaybut2day says. I'm in a similar situation. During the separation leading up to my divorce, a 30-year friendship that's had long periods of interruption (my then-AH did not approve of cross-gender friendships, at least not as far as I was concerned) grew into something much deeper. This man knew me before I married RAXH, has seen my fighting for my marriage, and knows everything there is to know about me. Which makes it easy. Actually dating a new person would have scared the bejeebers out of me.
It's a long-distance relationship (really long-distance), and we've kept the same "policy" we always had as friends: No bs, no mind games, brutal honesty. It's remarkably and wonderfully drama-free and comfortable. (It's a new discovery for me, this thing where love doesn't equal drama and pain. Quite nice.)
We're taking it very slowly, even though we both feel like "this is IT." He's familiar with different kinds of dysfunction, he's the total antithesis of every man I've ever been involved with before, and manages to express his caring without being overbearing.
I know recovery is a life-long process. I know there are things I have to work on: I'm afraid to, as he says "take up space"; I worry about whether I'm "good enough"; I have times when I panic and think "when he finds out who I really am, he will leave me, and then I will have invested my entire soul in something and I will get terminally hurt"... but those are all things I'm aware of and working on. As is he. Those aren't the things that scare me. It's whatever might be hiding in my subconscious, you know, codie habits and destructive coping mechanisms that I haven't discovered, that frighten me.
I think that if this had happened a year from now, I would have been all gung-ho (I am, emotionally), but I find myself thinking "what if I have baggage I'm not aware of and I screw this wonderful thing up?" (Funny, huh, that I'm looking for problems...) But on the other hand, I think, who knows what I'll feel like a year from now, or ten years from now -- and if something seems to be working just amazingly swimmingly fine right now -- why worry so much?
I can very much relate to what nodaybut2day says. I'm in a similar situation. During the separation leading up to my divorce, a 30-year friendship that's had long periods of interruption (my then-AH did not approve of cross-gender friendships, at least not as far as I was concerned) grew into something much deeper. This man knew me before I married RAXH, has seen my fighting for my marriage, and knows everything there is to know about me. Which makes it easy. Actually dating a new person would have scared the bejeebers out of me.
It's a long-distance relationship (really long-distance), and we've kept the same "policy" we always had as friends: No bs, no mind games, brutal honesty. It's remarkably and wonderfully drama-free and comfortable. (It's a new discovery for me, this thing where love doesn't equal drama and pain. Quite nice.)
We're taking it very slowly, even though we both feel like "this is IT." He's familiar with different kinds of dysfunction, he's the total antithesis of every man I've ever been involved with before, and manages to express his caring without being overbearing.
I know recovery is a life-long process. I know there are things I have to work on: I'm afraid to, as he says "take up space"; I worry about whether I'm "good enough"; I have times when I panic and think "when he finds out who I really am, he will leave me, and then I will have invested my entire soul in something and I will get terminally hurt"... but those are all things I'm aware of and working on. As is he. Those aren't the things that scare me. It's whatever might be hiding in my subconscious, you know, codie habits and destructive coping mechanisms that I haven't discovered, that frighten me.
I think that if this had happened a year from now, I would have been all gung-ho (I am, emotionally), but I find myself thinking "what if I have baggage I'm not aware of and I screw this wonderful thing up?" (Funny, huh, that I'm looking for problems...) But on the other hand, I think, who knows what I'll feel like a year from now, or ten years from now -- and if something seems to be working just amazingly swimmingly fine right now -- why worry so much?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I’m still not ready. Most definitely not ready. I’ll echo pretty much the same thing as Thumper here:
And will add that I’m terrified I’ll find some one just like – or worse than – XAH. I guess that would be the broken p-i-c-k-e-r. In fact I really think it’s broken:
I had a friend going through a very similar custody issue with his DD and XGF. With me he was very kind, caring, and supportive with the divorce and custody thing. We swapped stories and support on the custody thing. But as I spoke with him more, he made it clear he was interested; I told him I’m not ready – I wasn’t even divorced yet. He said he was OK with that.
Then as I listened more to what was going on with him, I heard a lot of slams about his XGF (who is an alcoholic – OK I get that, I’m sure most of what I was sharing about XAH was pretty negative too), a lot of ‘it’s all her fault’, a lot of stories about how he was raised by all women, so he knew how to treat them with respect. All red flags, which I kind of ignored.
Then 3 things happened in a row.
I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% sure if it was a whole bunch of red flags or if he is a really nice guy just going through a difficult time. I feel kind of bad about not being in contact with him any more, because his custody issue really sucked, but I’m not ready and it felt like he was getting a bit pushy.
Thumper, I just gotta say: No more doing that “I’m not a super awesome catch” load.
If you stop, I won’t say it about myself either. Practice with me: “I’m smart, kind, elegant and beautiful; I have a (four) wonderful child(ren).”
Wow. I had a lot to say on this one...
Originally Posted by Thumper 
I'm single, not dating. That is a choice atm, although one I don't have to enforce since I don't actually know any single men much less have to turn them down 
Primarily I do not think my boys need me dating right now. I am focused on our family and need to be as things are not easy. I don't have time either. I work full time and have four kids that I parent all by myself. I either have them, or send them to a babysitter. I also would have to figure out where to actually find a man to date, lol. I seriously do not even know a single man of any caliber much less one I'd want to date.
Primarily I do not think my boys need me dating right now. I am focused on our family and need to be as things are not easy. I don't have time either. I work full time and have four kids that I parent all by myself. I either have them, or send them to a babysitter. I also would have to figure out where to actually find a man to date, lol. I seriously do not even know a single man of any caliber much less one I'd want to date.
I had a friend going through a very similar custody issue with his DD and XGF. With me he was very kind, caring, and supportive with the divorce and custody thing. We swapped stories and support on the custody thing. But as I spoke with him more, he made it clear he was interested; I told him I’m not ready – I wasn’t even divorced yet. He said he was OK with that.
Then as I listened more to what was going on with him, I heard a lot of slams about his XGF (who is an alcoholic – OK I get that, I’m sure most of what I was sharing about XAH was pretty negative too), a lot of ‘it’s all her fault’, a lot of stories about how he was raised by all women, so he knew how to treat them with respect. All red flags, which I kind of ignored.
Then 3 things happened in a row.
- He got written up at work for missing time, related to his custody-thing, he said. Instead of just taking the write-up or contesting it, he quit.
- He told me again that he didn’t mind waiting until I was ready to date, he just didn’t want me to find out later that I missed something good.
- He had a wedding to go to that involved an overnight out of town. He asked me on a date for the wedding and the overnight thing and said he didn’t expect anything to happen, just didn’t want to be alone. He was very understanding about my saying no, but…
I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% sure if it was a whole bunch of red flags or if he is a really nice guy just going through a difficult time. I feel kind of bad about not being in contact with him any more, because his custody issue really sucked, but I’m not ready and it felt like he was getting a bit pushy.
Thumper, I just gotta say: No more doing that “I’m not a super awesome catch” load.
If you stop, I won’t say it about myself either. Practice with me: “I’m smart, kind, elegant and beautiful; I have a (four) wonderful child(ren).”Wow. I had a lot to say on this one...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I think it is good that you trusted your instincts!
I could say my picker is broken but that wouldn't really be accurate. I don't exactly have a picker. I let people pick me and I did not/do not? make any discrimination about if they should really be in my life or not. People move into my life and there they are until they move out. I then go about making it 'work'.
This I know is not really the right way to go about things!
OH - “I’m smart, kind, elegant and beautiful; I have four wonderful children.”
Deal.
I could say my picker is broken but that wouldn't really be accurate. I don't exactly have a picker. I let people pick me and I did not/do not? make any discrimination about if they should really be in my life or not. People move into my life and there they are until they move out. I then go about making it 'work'.
This I know is not really the right way to go about things!
OH - “I’m smart, kind, elegant and beautiful; I have four wonderful children.”
Deal.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 16
I was single by choice for 5 years before I met AXBF, now I am single because I don't feel i have much self confidence left. In all honesty I had NO idea what I was letting myself in for dating an alcoholic and its left its mark. I would love to meet someone and start dating again at some point in the near future, just need to work on regaining my self confidence and not believe what ex has said about me. As much for me as for my next partner (don't want them to suffer for what happened with this relationship - need to be in a position to give my next partner 100%). I still believe in love.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
Im definetly not ready to date again and when i feel someone is coming on to me i back away from them.
I went out with someone for 7 years from when i was 16 till i was 23 and after i broke up with him i met exabf so i know i need to be on my own to discover me again,i have never really been single for a long time and when i was with my A he took up every minute of my life,i just couldnt live a normal peaceful life with him,i also have issues i need to deal with regarding the relationship and i feel i am not emotionally ready to commit to another.
I find it hard to imagine being with someone else so it wouldnt be fair to anyone if i was to date them,its now time for me to trust my instincts and to not rush in to another relationship when i am still carrying round this emotional baggage.
This is a good thread,thankyou xx
I went out with someone for 7 years from when i was 16 till i was 23 and after i broke up with him i met exabf so i know i need to be on my own to discover me again,i have never really been single for a long time and when i was with my A he took up every minute of my life,i just couldnt live a normal peaceful life with him,i also have issues i need to deal with regarding the relationship and i feel i am not emotionally ready to commit to another.
I find it hard to imagine being with someone else so it wouldnt be fair to anyone if i was to date them,its now time for me to trust my instincts and to not rush in to another relationship when i am still carrying round this emotional baggage.
This is a good thread,thankyou xx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by coyote21
Ding, ding, ding, ding........Coyote's million dollar, money making idea du jour..........Acoa/Al-Anon/12 stepper online dating dot com.
Instead of your common interests, we will match you up according to your dysfunctions, perfectly. Everybody's a winner.
Instead of your common interests, we will match you up according to your dysfunctions, perfectly. Everybody's a winner.
Actually, my standard joke about my personal life is this: some people are general practitioners in being miserable. I, on the other hand, am a specialist. I only date sons of alcoholics who have addiction issues themselves. But I have now retired.
My dysfunctional upbringing has led me to have a very sheltered emotional life. Now, I actually can't stand to be in large groups if I can help it. I'm not phobic about going out; I just can't stand all the emotional bullpap involved in getting to know people. I have no female friends outside of work at this point because I just can't stand the emotional cattiness that most of the them display. I do get along better with men because at least that aspect of behavior seems to be lacking.
Unfortunately, I still find myself at the mercy of intense crushes on those who are radically inappropriate for me. And of course, I never act on those crushes. I don't ever go out - always either with the kids or working - and cause I am always low on money social outings are almost impossible.
So, right now I am not doing anything. But at least I know myself a heck of a lot better than I used to and I know none of these issues are impossible to overcome. It's just getting the time and $$$ to do it....sigh....
PS: Married for 10 years, divorced for 5 years this October. Always felt my soulmate was the guy I was with before I met my XH, but that is another story....
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by Thumper
I don't exactly have a picker. I let people pick me
It's a deal, Thumper. Hugs.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by theuncertainty
He told me again that he didn’t mind waiting until I was ready to date, he just didn’t want me to find out later that I missed something good.
I would not feel guilty not talking to him anymore, as with the way he was pushing, and that statement right there?
I am reading him as the abusive/manipulative type. He sounds just like G, my (X)ABF. The exact situation is different, but I am seeing the undertow and undertone already.
I'd say you made the right choice!
Not to completely derail this thread... I kicked (X)ABF out on Dec 22, he went to inpatient rehab on Christmas, and got out just over 2 weeks later. The whole time he was there he was trying to manipulate me over the phone, and in the time I was able to get my emotions straight in between the phone games I began to realize that he basically controlled my life for the last five years. I wasn't allowed to do what I wanted to do, ever - it was all about him.
So, since I lost myself somewhere in that process, I need to take the time to find myself again, and that means no relationships until I know who "me" is. On top of that, a healthy relationship is still about give and take, and I've used up my "giver" for the moment feeding a "taker", so I'm going to enjoy living for me for awhile.
I figure when the right guy and the right moment come along, I'll know when I'm ready, but in the meantime, I've got a lot of catching up to do with myself!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i'll chirp in here.
single with no plans or desire to date. honestly, i can't be bothered. i love coming home alone, closing the door and there's peace and quiet. no one's mess to clean up, no one waking me up, no one expecting anything. love it!
single with no plans or desire to date. honestly, i can't be bothered. i love coming home alone, closing the door and there's peace and quiet. no one's mess to clean up, no one waking me up, no one expecting anything. love it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
this is so timely, thank you.
About me:
Dated xah starting at age 21, married at 24, separated at 39. 3 children: now 9,8, and 3.
separated August 09, divorced October 2010. So 3 months divorced, but 1.5 years separated with no possibility of reconciliation.
The main thing that occurred to me this weekend is this: I wish to only marry one more time. I don't want to do it too soon and mess up my wonderful aloneness, and ever wish that I was back where I am now, instead of being married. That tells me to take it SLOW. get it right. take my time.
My therapist says don't date for one year after divorce. I said "you mean the separation, right? (because otherwise I have to wait almost a year)" and he said "nope. after the formal DIVORCE." Because before the divorce, you were looking ahead to the date it was final. You haven't addressed the big question of what it means to be Stella as an unattached person. Everything up to that point is PRACTICE for dating."
I am both ready and painfully (I mean physically) not-ready. Someone who seems nice likes me a lot and wants to date me. It freaks me out.
Someone I know well doesn't seem to want to go out with me even though I totally adore him. (I think I am attracted to his disinterest, his intelligence, and his interests. If I am paying attention AT ALL, I can see that he ignites all my smoldering codie-ness. I positively yearn for his attention, and just don't receive it.)
In the meantime, I am funnier, livelier, cuter than ever (even if a little overweight) and men are responsive and women are acting funny about having me around. That's new.
I haven't dated anyone in 19 years. I don't know how to be. I simultaneously want a relationship and want no part of being anyone except me and being my kids' mom.
And my kids need a good, strong, loving, respectful male role model. Which makes me think I should date someone nice. While I know for a fact that my dating will unsettle my children and that you don't bring men around just so your kids can be in their company.
I see why my therapist says I am not ready. I am too blown away by all these considerations. Apparently I have some major healing to do.
thank you for letting me speak on this. It is so current on my mind.
About me:
Dated xah starting at age 21, married at 24, separated at 39. 3 children: now 9,8, and 3.
separated August 09, divorced October 2010. So 3 months divorced, but 1.5 years separated with no possibility of reconciliation.
The main thing that occurred to me this weekend is this: I wish to only marry one more time. I don't want to do it too soon and mess up my wonderful aloneness, and ever wish that I was back where I am now, instead of being married. That tells me to take it SLOW. get it right. take my time.
My therapist says don't date for one year after divorce. I said "you mean the separation, right? (because otherwise I have to wait almost a year)" and he said "nope. after the formal DIVORCE." Because before the divorce, you were looking ahead to the date it was final. You haven't addressed the big question of what it means to be Stella as an unattached person. Everything up to that point is PRACTICE for dating."
I am both ready and painfully (I mean physically) not-ready. Someone who seems nice likes me a lot and wants to date me. It freaks me out.
Someone I know well doesn't seem to want to go out with me even though I totally adore him. (I think I am attracted to his disinterest, his intelligence, and his interests. If I am paying attention AT ALL, I can see that he ignites all my smoldering codie-ness. I positively yearn for his attention, and just don't receive it.)
In the meantime, I am funnier, livelier, cuter than ever (even if a little overweight) and men are responsive and women are acting funny about having me around. That's new.
I haven't dated anyone in 19 years. I don't know how to be. I simultaneously want a relationship and want no part of being anyone except me and being my kids' mom.
And my kids need a good, strong, loving, respectful male role model. Which makes me think I should date someone nice. While I know for a fact that my dating will unsettle my children and that you don't bring men around just so your kids can be in their company.
I see why my therapist says I am not ready. I am too blown away by all these considerations. Apparently I have some major healing to do.
thank you for letting me speak on this. It is so current on my mind.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
This is from The Year of Magical Thinking, which I just read yesterday. The author's husband died suddenly and then her daughter almost died a few months later:
"Would I ever be right again? Could I ever again trust myself not to be wrong?"
this is how I feel.
"Would I ever be right again? Could I ever again trust myself not to be wrong?"
this is how I feel.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
[QUOTE=nodaybut2day;2834016]How long did it take you to be ready to date?
I am going to be completely honest and hopefully it will help you and me...cause I'm not sure I was ever completely honest with myself about this topic.
I was a year sober and living with someone that I was with for 22 years. When I got sober...my goal was to get strong enough to leave him. 9 years prior to me getting sober, he cheated on me with my sister. So..when I got sober it was Day 1 that my focus was get strong and leave him. I started attending AA and wanted NOTHING to do with men. I stuck to that commitment to myself. I wouldn't talk to guys..I only associated with the women..I was disgusted everytime a guy tried to pick me up. EXCEPT there was a Tuesday night meeting to that I went to and felt comfortable in because there were alot of older people and it was a small meeting. There was one guy there...a little older than me..but he had 18 years sobriety. I felt safe talking to him. We (I thought) became good friends...3 months into sobriety I got a serious case of whooping cough and couldn't go to meetings...my friend told me that this guy from Tuesday night was concerned that I went out and drank and he wanted me to know that he was asking for me....the daydreaming began...because she said...I think he likes you...I said "Lenny"??? NO! Then I started to imagine me & Lenny. I romanticized the whole thing..he was never inappropriate, nor did he flirt with me...he sincerely cared about my week...and whatever was going on..then I noticed he was showing up at more of my meetings. Then when I was 11 months sober...he walked me to my car one night and I turned around and said "I think I'm starting to LIKE YOU TOO MUCH". He then said...I was going to ask you out when you had a year. (Because I never mentioned this guy I was living with for 22 years)...my goal was to get a year and leave the guy. So, then I told him about the guy...but long story short....I was a year and 2 months into sobriety...left the other guy at a year...started dating Lenny 2 months later.
What were your biggest issues if you have started dating?
My biggest issue..was that I never took time to find out WHO I AM. I put myself right into being romantically involved. I was defining me by how our relationship was going and it was going wonderful. Then we ran into some girl that he used to date an an AA meeting...and my world was upside down..All the insecurities..wondering if he wanted her again...and I WANTED TO DRINK. I was so mad at myself for falling in love so early. He never wanted to be with her...but it still was a wake up call for me that my sobriety was now threatened by a relationship. ALSO, SEX...sex was very difficult for me because I never did it sober. Always after I had sex with him...I would feel crappy...like I wasn't good enough....wanted to drink. Also, if a pattern changed with phone calls..I immediately went into the gutter with my thinking and WANTED to DRINK. Relationships in my opinion are very dangerous if you are not stable in your growth. Know yourself, like yourself, be OK BY YOURSELF for a little while before dating. I went from a 22 year relationship..thinking I was going to get married to this guy..with no break in between.
If you're in a new relationship, what challenges do you have that you see as carrying over from your relationship with an alcoholic?
The challenge for me was to realize that my new GUY was NOT my old guy. He did not respond to me the way my old guy did....sometimes that was good and sometimes not so good. My old guy was not an alcoholic..but I don't think that matters...you carry over all things from your past relationships..especially if you were in a relationship with someone else for a long time. Lenny and I are still together 4 years later...we work at having a relationship...its not as fantastical as a relationship is when you are drinking...you have to go thru things sober...its not easy. All this said..I strongly suggest..before serious dating...to be sure that you are ok with you...and you don't depend on others to make you happy.
I am going to be completely honest and hopefully it will help you and me...cause I'm not sure I was ever completely honest with myself about this topic.
I was a year sober and living with someone that I was with for 22 years. When I got sober...my goal was to get strong enough to leave him. 9 years prior to me getting sober, he cheated on me with my sister. So..when I got sober it was Day 1 that my focus was get strong and leave him. I started attending AA and wanted NOTHING to do with men. I stuck to that commitment to myself. I wouldn't talk to guys..I only associated with the women..I was disgusted everytime a guy tried to pick me up. EXCEPT there was a Tuesday night meeting to that I went to and felt comfortable in because there were alot of older people and it was a small meeting. There was one guy there...a little older than me..but he had 18 years sobriety. I felt safe talking to him. We (I thought) became good friends...3 months into sobriety I got a serious case of whooping cough and couldn't go to meetings...my friend told me that this guy from Tuesday night was concerned that I went out and drank and he wanted me to know that he was asking for me....the daydreaming began...because she said...I think he likes you...I said "Lenny"??? NO! Then I started to imagine me & Lenny. I romanticized the whole thing..he was never inappropriate, nor did he flirt with me...he sincerely cared about my week...and whatever was going on..then I noticed he was showing up at more of my meetings. Then when I was 11 months sober...he walked me to my car one night and I turned around and said "I think I'm starting to LIKE YOU TOO MUCH". He then said...I was going to ask you out when you had a year. (Because I never mentioned this guy I was living with for 22 years)...my goal was to get a year and leave the guy. So, then I told him about the guy...but long story short....I was a year and 2 months into sobriety...left the other guy at a year...started dating Lenny 2 months later.
What were your biggest issues if you have started dating?
My biggest issue..was that I never took time to find out WHO I AM. I put myself right into being romantically involved. I was defining me by how our relationship was going and it was going wonderful. Then we ran into some girl that he used to date an an AA meeting...and my world was upside down..All the insecurities..wondering if he wanted her again...and I WANTED TO DRINK. I was so mad at myself for falling in love so early. He never wanted to be with her...but it still was a wake up call for me that my sobriety was now threatened by a relationship. ALSO, SEX...sex was very difficult for me because I never did it sober. Always after I had sex with him...I would feel crappy...like I wasn't good enough....wanted to drink. Also, if a pattern changed with phone calls..I immediately went into the gutter with my thinking and WANTED to DRINK. Relationships in my opinion are very dangerous if you are not stable in your growth. Know yourself, like yourself, be OK BY YOURSELF for a little while before dating. I went from a 22 year relationship..thinking I was going to get married to this guy..with no break in between.
If you're in a new relationship, what challenges do you have that you see as carrying over from your relationship with an alcoholic?
The challenge for me was to realize that my new GUY was NOT my old guy. He did not respond to me the way my old guy did....sometimes that was good and sometimes not so good. My old guy was not an alcoholic..but I don't think that matters...you carry over all things from your past relationships..especially if you were in a relationship with someone else for a long time. Lenny and I are still together 4 years later...we work at having a relationship...its not as fantastical as a relationship is when you are drinking...you have to go thru things sober...its not easy. All this said..I strongly suggest..before serious dating...to be sure that you are ok with you...and you don't depend on others to make you happy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
ALSO, SEX...sex was very difficult for me because I never did it sober. Always after I had sex with him...I would feel crappy...like I wasn't good enough....wanted to drink.
one, waiting for me to be ready (no pushing) and two, (being a thoughtful lover).
thank you for sharing that misssy2.
beth
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by coyote21
So it's beginning to sound like the natural codie/addict attraction IS the perfect natural pairing? Still working on fleshing out my $$$$ idea.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. So SailorJohn, you've decided to be in fricking Baghdad, Iraq. Do you think on some level, being what, 7500 miles away, is your "wall"?
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. So SailorJohn, you've decided to be in fricking Baghdad, Iraq. Do you think on some level, being what, 7500 miles away, is your "wall"?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
28 years of "not enough" here
I think it might take another 28 years of self brainwashing "I am enough" to get some balance.
So I am looking at dating at 60
After XABF I went out with someone else. I swore I would not repeat the same mistakes.
He was also like another kid and unequal to me in many aspects. The good news here is that I went to therapy so opened my eyes to my reality -sad reality- and broke up with this guy.
Gladly it was better than I thought and way easier than with XABF. Well at least he hasn't brought any new girlfriends to my office, that is what I call "nice" now, hahaha. And now he is taking responsibility of his choices. We meet now and then as just friends. Yesterday he apologized and said he acted immature, and that I am very special and have everything to be happy. Oh well. It is nice to hear he has thought about his acts in the past.
Then during Christmas/New year I was invited to several events and I wanted to keep my isolation and don't go to any of them, but by then I had already realized this is what my mom has done, and that I should allow life take me places. I met new people and a few of them were foreigners. Turns out they all liked me and one was making long term plans with me hahaha. It was funny because at some point each one of them told me good things about myself, that appeared to be honest views, and they cheered me up. Among one of those guys is a rich guy who is a spiritual leader and actually lives in my country. I got all codie and excited about him. Rumor says he likes me too.
Then I realize: he also has a girlfriend and just had a baby. Thank God for the voice of reason, Live, that set my thinking straight. It was quicker to get back to real life and realize I don't want anyone to relate me with guilt. I don't want to be "the other one". I am worth more than that. Friendship and that's all.
They say they have more people to introduce me to, ok, I'll wait. But not desperate to get a man. One of those events was a cabin visit for a few days, we went with a few other women. One is a TV presenter and she kept laughing, making jokes with sexual tones, and overall shouting out "pick ME! pick ME!" it was difficult to watch. And to think I have acted like that as well. Everyone can smell desperation. Now I entertain myself trying to pass the HALT test. I haven't been able to cover the four letters, cover all my needs at once LOL.
Sometimes its difficult as I see all my friends are married and starting to have children, or at least have a steady relationship but then I also start seeing divorces and sometimes horrible things, and it is easier to give value to my peace. Gladly I am independent -broke but I can make the payments at least- so, I don't know, life will bring me someone someday, meanwhile my attention goes to me and my daughters (my cats) and that's more than enough now.
Thanks for this thread!
definitely don't have to worry about her showing up at my door at 2am, drunk, barefoot and wanting to 'make up'
Hahahaha XABF did the same thing and I agreed to sex. I would like to go back, slap myself and not even answer the door at the time. I would have saved myself so much pain. Oh well.. as Bernadette says "the past is gone, I am free in this moment"
I think it might take another 28 years of self brainwashing "I am enough" to get some balance.
So I am looking at dating at 60
After XABF I went out with someone else. I swore I would not repeat the same mistakes.
He was also like another kid and unequal to me in many aspects. The good news here is that I went to therapy so opened my eyes to my reality -sad reality- and broke up with this guy.
Gladly it was better than I thought and way easier than with XABF. Well at least he hasn't brought any new girlfriends to my office, that is what I call "nice" now, hahaha. And now he is taking responsibility of his choices. We meet now and then as just friends. Yesterday he apologized and said he acted immature, and that I am very special and have everything to be happy. Oh well. It is nice to hear he has thought about his acts in the past.
Then during Christmas/New year I was invited to several events and I wanted to keep my isolation and don't go to any of them, but by then I had already realized this is what my mom has done, and that I should allow life take me places. I met new people and a few of them were foreigners. Turns out they all liked me and one was making long term plans with me hahaha. It was funny because at some point each one of them told me good things about myself, that appeared to be honest views, and they cheered me up. Among one of those guys is a rich guy who is a spiritual leader and actually lives in my country. I got all codie and excited about him. Rumor says he likes me too.
Then I realize: he also has a girlfriend and just had a baby. Thank God for the voice of reason, Live, that set my thinking straight. It was quicker to get back to real life and realize I don't want anyone to relate me with guilt. I don't want to be "the other one". I am worth more than that. Friendship and that's all.
They say they have more people to introduce me to, ok, I'll wait. But not desperate to get a man. One of those events was a cabin visit for a few days, we went with a few other women. One is a TV presenter and she kept laughing, making jokes with sexual tones, and overall shouting out "pick ME! pick ME!" it was difficult to watch. And to think I have acted like that as well. Everyone can smell desperation. Now I entertain myself trying to pass the HALT test. I haven't been able to cover the four letters, cover all my needs at once LOL.
Sometimes its difficult as I see all my friends are married and starting to have children, or at least have a steady relationship but then I also start seeing divorces and sometimes horrible things, and it is easier to give value to my peace. Gladly I am independent -broke but I can make the payments at least- so, I don't know, life will bring me someone someday, meanwhile my attention goes to me and my daughters (my cats) and that's more than enough now.
Thanks for this thread!
definitely don't have to worry about her showing up at my door at 2am, drunk, barefoot and wanting to 'make up'
Hahahaha XABF did the same thing and I agreed to sex. I would like to go back, slap myself and not even answer the door at the time. I would have saved myself so much pain. Oh well.. as Bernadette says "the past is gone, I am free in this moment"
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 01-18-2011 at 04:25 PM. Reason: bad spelling and bad grammar
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: NEW YORK
Posts: 94
Well my story may raise a few eyebrows.....
I met someone who was just a friend at first, he was married. I was married and obviously very unhappy with AH and had been for years.
Literally at the same time, he left his wife after catching her cheating and I left AH after realizing that drinking again after rehab was the last straw.
so we leaned on each other for support and well...one thing led to another and now he is a big part of my life. he is wonderful with my 3 year old, she adores him and he adores her. he does 'daddy' things with her that my AH was so incapable of.
I was ready to tell AH about him and file divorce papers and then he got sick and went to the hospital, he had severe alcoholic hepatitis. a miracle it wasnt cirhossis. but hes back in again, he was still drinking so i dont know whats going to happen this time.
Its just never a good time to tell him
Neither me or my BF were looking for anything, it just happened and it feels instinctively right. I know what a real relationship should be like for the first time in my life and i know hes a keeper! I have been blessed to find him at such a low point in my life. It took quite a bit of soul searching to make sure that i wasnt just on some kind of rebound. But I know it is real. He has been a tremendous pillar of strength for me. His divorce isnt exactly going so smooth, so we support each other.
but living with all the secrecy on both sides is a major stress inducer!
In fact just tonight AH's mother asked me 'whos x? ' my daughter has been talking about him.
I knew she was going to...I mean you cant censor a 3 year old right?
I just keep telling myself that I deserve this relationship, and i deserve this man and i deserve to finally be happy!
I met someone who was just a friend at first, he was married. I was married and obviously very unhappy with AH and had been for years.
Literally at the same time, he left his wife after catching her cheating and I left AH after realizing that drinking again after rehab was the last straw.
so we leaned on each other for support and well...one thing led to another and now he is a big part of my life. he is wonderful with my 3 year old, she adores him and he adores her. he does 'daddy' things with her that my AH was so incapable of.
I was ready to tell AH about him and file divorce papers and then he got sick and went to the hospital, he had severe alcoholic hepatitis. a miracle it wasnt cirhossis. but hes back in again, he was still drinking so i dont know whats going to happen this time.
Its just never a good time to tell him
Neither me or my BF were looking for anything, it just happened and it feels instinctively right. I know what a real relationship should be like for the first time in my life and i know hes a keeper! I have been blessed to find him at such a low point in my life. It took quite a bit of soul searching to make sure that i wasnt just on some kind of rebound. But I know it is real. He has been a tremendous pillar of strength for me. His divorce isnt exactly going so smooth, so we support each other.
but living with all the secrecy on both sides is a major stress inducer!
In fact just tonight AH's mother asked me 'whos x? ' my daughter has been talking about him.
I knew she was going to...I mean you cant censor a 3 year old right?
I just keep telling myself that I deserve this relationship, and i deserve this man and i deserve to finally be happy!
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