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Old 01-07-2011, 10:06 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Today is a New Day
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...when my parents came up for a visit shortly after Christmas, my mother brought with her a Poinsettia. I am notoriously bad at taking care of these, and sure enough, with this whole mess I did not water it once since she brought it. I finally noticed it yesterday, and the once beautiful bushy plant was now completely wilted and dried out and, to all intents and purposes, dead.

I watered it anyway. I left it sit soaking in the sink for ten minutes before letting it drain and eventually replacing it in its spot by the window.

I just noticed it again just now while I was finishing up the book, and it looks just like it did when they brought it over... Bushy with bright red leaves, no wilting, and actually more beautiful than I remembered it. I actually started to cry.



As long as there's life, there's hope. As long as I take care of me, I can make it back to who I once was, and then keep getting better.
There really is hope. <3
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Old 01-07-2011, 10:44 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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starcat--
I feel for you. Can you have a friend or family member over at your place to be with you for the hours Sunday after he gets out?
Or take off somewhere with someone?
I think it would be best if you were not alone. Maybe for safety, but mostly for emotional support.
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Old 01-07-2011, 11:20 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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...just learned another manipulation he tried. He told his daughter I was so excited to see him Sunday that I took our picture together, and he can't understand why I won't talk to him now.
I didn't even bring the camera into the rehab, since they won't allow purses and my pockets were small. And I won't talk to him due to his manipulation Monday morning, not that he listens to my explanations or even cares, but nonetheless...
He doesn't want to try, so I don't want to be around him.

Originally Posted by brokenheartfool View Post
starcat--
I feel for you. Can you have a friend or family member over at your place to be with you for the hours Sunday after he gets out?
Or take off somewhere with someone?
I think it would be best if you were not alone. Maybe for safety, but mostly for emotional support.
Family is 2 hours away. I do have an uncle that lives nearby but I haven't seen him since I moved here, so he wouldn't help. I also don't want my family to know what's going on - they're extremely judgmental, and I need to be confident that I am making my own decisions, not theirs.

G has managed to isolate me from my friends. One of the guys at work did volunteer to come by if I did not feel safe (he could give G a good run for his money) but he's working this weekend to get a ton of stuff ready for a project I'm working with him, and it's rather important, so I don't want to bug him if I don't have to. (He's the only one in our group who can do it).

Heading to bed now, but I think tomorrow I"m just going to start cataloging all the stuff I've been meaning to do, pick all the things that involve being away from the apartment, and go do them. G would never find me, because they're not the sort of things he's interested in, and he does not recognize that I like things that are different than what he likes, so he'll never think to look there.

I am actually enjoying being by myself right now... I am so used to being his shadow 100% of the time, I like being alone - for the moment.

Thank you, brokenheart, for thinking of me. <3
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Old 01-08-2011, 05:51 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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hi starcat-

regarding your phone options, why not just drop him from your plan? i don't think that is vindictive at all. you've split up, he's moved out and it seems reasonable that you would no longer pay his phone.

also, i feel it communicates a clear message whilst continuing to support him in this way could send a conflicting message to him.

also, when i split from my abusive alcoholic, i found it useful to vary some of my patterns and habits. for example, lights in the house. normally, when i went out, i would turn off all the lights. i began leaving them on.

i also would leave my shoes in the stairwell. i began taking them in.

i also began taking different routes than usual. i didn't go any longer to the same pub. i switched hours i went to the grocery store.

since you've been living together, he will know your patterns and haunts. please consider switching things about for awhile, until things calm down.

you mentioned that there are a few doors to your apartment. perhaps start using a different one, and bracing a chair against the other ones. this way, you will have enough notice if he tries to enter.

i also took the step of alerting the neighbors to my situation, so that they could report any sitings to me. i also told them if they heard raised voices, to call the police immediately.

stay safe!
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Old 01-08-2011, 06:13 AM
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Good points, Naive!

Yeah, when I locked my controlling (emotional) abuser out he kicked the door in AND broke the chair I had braced against it. Fortunately I called 911 the minute he started pounding on the door and the cops came fast. He spent 48 hours in jail and got a restraining order for that episode. Oh, and by the way, he had never done anything like that before. OH!...and it took at least another year and a half before he stopped calling me.
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Old 01-08-2011, 06:16 AM
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As long as there's life, there's hope. As long as I take care of me, I can make it back to who I once was, and then keep getting better.
There really is hope. <3
StarCat,
This is fantastic. Thank you very much for this, as I needed it this morning.
Having the poinsetta come back to life is magical.
(Sadly, I am a plant killer, I love them sooooo much, they get too much water.)
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Old 01-08-2011, 09:08 AM
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"Only God can turn a mess into a message." posted by phoenixthebird

I love that line...!!
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Old 01-08-2011, 10:29 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Unfortunately the doors are into the apartment BUILDING, so I can't really put a chair in front of them, but I'm on the third floor, and I can take the far stairwell (he always takes the elevator) and exit into the lot across from the complex office.

Also, since he would not let me go anywhere without him, I don't have any haunts to change. It's actually exciting in a way, I get to pick my own haunts now. I do have to avoid one of the Supermarkets around here if he's on the prowl, because I have mentioned that brand in my favorite, but there are two of them within 10 minutes of each other and they're huge, so that will slow him down. And I can even use the apartment complex swimming pool in the summer, because he hates swimming (so he'd never think to look) and he doesn't have a residence pass anyway (since he's not on the lease).

If he gets desperate I may have to get a new car, but since he's always been mistaking other people's cars for mine. It's weird, because he's so good with cars, especially American made ones, but he'll pick ones that are a similar color but without the bumper stickers or the small spoiler on the back (I bought the car used, and only cared enough to peel off the football related bumper stickers, although I left on the "custom/homemade" paint job the prior owner did to make it match the local football team).

@wicked - I thought that revelation was too good not to share. I still cry when I look at that plant.
@fourmaggie - Thank you so much for that quote, Phoenix is way smarter than she gives herself credit for. <3


And now it's time for me to go see the therapist. He fit me in on Saturday, and I'm so excited. I spoke with him on the phone last night, and it really feels like he "gets it". He specializes in addiction and abuse, and I feel really lucky our insurance covers him.

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Old 01-08-2011, 02:42 PM
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I found that book invaluable also.

One thing I know is that these guys won't "tolerate" being told no by us. So, do be careful.

another one that amazed me was "No Visible Wounds" by Alice Walker

best wishes to you
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Old 01-09-2011, 06:57 AM
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Thinking of you today, Starcat. I hope you find it to be one of your best days yet. (((Hugs)))
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