jess9776

You guys are so very correct. I realize that him saying what he said about taking the babies is a manipulation. And the stupid part of me says, but he really loves the babies, look how he cuddles them, feeds them, etc. Then I feel guilty.

Then the SMART part of me screams at me to look at what he's done! Look what he did to dd, look how he's stolen from the kids and me, look at how he drinks, look at how nasty he can be! Yes, he's taken money that I was to use for utilities, put toward rent, buy formula, whatever.

That's why I feel so stupid. I feel stupid for even feeling the SLIGHTEST bit of guilt over him. I know that I can't keep going like this. I can't. It's not good for my kids or myself.

I mentioned to him yesterday about him leaving my home, getting some kind of help, then after x amount of months sober, being a normal human being (which I know deep down won't happen, can't happen) he can come back and we can maybe work on being together. His answer, "No, I'm not leaving cause I don't know who you'll have in the house around my babies, how do I know you'll be watching them properly? I'm not going anywhere."

I never leave my kids. I rarely go out. When I do, which is to go to the store, or take one of my kids to the dr, my mom watches them, or they come with me. My mom watched the twins and my other 2 dd's when we took my 2nd oldest to get her tonsils out. He didn't have a problem then.

I said to him that maybe I ought to see about getting him in some kind of trouble for stealing that ,money and he said why do you say stupid things like that? He said that maybe he should report me to CYF for not disciplining my kids, for being a bad mom. That bothers me. I do discipline my kids, I do teach them, I just don't do it his way. He gets mad b/c they "don't listen." He gets angry that my 4 year old, when told to do something, doesn't jump and do whatever it is after being told one time to do it. She sometimes has to be told a couple times because usually she's doing something, watching cartoons, or just being 4 and defiant. I don't know, maybe I am wrong, but I just thought that's how 4 year olds were. I always figured my kids were good kids, typical kids, but good. They'll clean their rooms (after much nagging by me), help clean up around the house, put their dishes in the sink, my oldest dd is great with helping with the babies (age appropriate, mind you), they all do beautifully in school. No kids are perfect, I know, they'll fight with each other....I fought with MY brothers growing up! I know I'm not a perfect mom, but I try my best. He says that my kids are part of the reason he gets so upset and drinks.

He mentioned how he feels badly for taking the money, saying he was "drunk" when he did it, but afterward, felt guilty.

He's looking for sympathy, for me to forgive him, wanting me to work on our relationship and make it work.

This is all so screwed up. I see that he thinks everything is still my fault, nothing's on him. I really liked how he told me that if I'd be "more loving towards him," maybe he wouldn't do the things he does.

He's trying to be so nice, do nice things, like shovel the sidewalk, help fold a pile of laundry, not drink (for one night), but to me, it seems so fake, so forced on his part. He's trying to get back in my good graces.

I'm considering what to do come Monday. I am calling to see about the child support thing, and whoever else I need to call to see about getting him out of here. I've considered also calling his sisters, who my mom heard say to him, "you better treat her right, don't give her any trouble." I once overheard his cousin say the same exact thing to him. Apparently his family knows what he's all about.

Thumper

My heart is breaking for you reading that post because I remember being in a similar spot and how painful it was. How confusing and awful it was being caught up in defending myself, feeling guilty, the emotional manipulation was just terrible. Don't beat yourself for having these feelings. You are human.

You are a good mom - even if you aren't perfect. You have good kids. He is pulling out all the stops with the emotional manipulation at this point. Quit listening. Turn his voice off in your mind. Just watch what he does and hear that. Listen to your inner voice because you have a strong one, a smart one. We see it in your posts. Don't let his voice drown it out.

I want to reach out and choke that man what he is doing makes me so angry. That kind of emotional manipulation is so low and mean.

littlefish

Oh honey, what a situation you are in. But, I hear the voice of codependency in your posts: there is something about him you still love.
I know the drill: it's very strange for me because I am both a codie and a recovery alcoholic.
What I do know is that my alcoholic parents and brothers always applied conditions for their love. Love always had a price tag. I had to bargain for their love.
There was always that "if" in the equation.
It blew me away to realize I have been the same way myself, and that I would love people IF.
If they accepted me, if they approved of me, if they supported me, etc, etc, etc.
There is something called unconditional love.
Without the IF's.

Please think of your precious children: they don't have to grow up with love with an "IF".
You are tangled up with a codie relationship with this man, but, you don't have to drag your kids into it.

jess9776

Littlefish, that's what hurts me, I don't want this for my kids. I grew up with an alcoholic father, I think my mom was/is probably codependent, not sure, but probably.

I see that codependency in myself as much as I don't want to. I don't want my kids to be like me. Or him.

I've gone from one bad relationship, to being what i thought was healthy to this disaster. I was happy, lost weight, my girls and I were living a nice life, went to nursing school and succeeded after people told me I shouldn't because of his suicide, that maybe I couldn't do it. Then came that day when he came along. I feel like I'm back where I started. I am ashamed of that. Angry with myself for letting this happen. Again. Only my late h wasn't an alcoholic, but more than likely a sex addict. Verbally/emotionally abusive. I left him when I saw my then 2 year old dd hiding under the table listening to her father rant and rave at me; after he threatened to lock them in the cellar to have sex with me. That night when he called me a c*nt and had a look on his face like he wanted to beat the crap out of me, or worse.

Here am I again. Only it seems worse this time. I can't stand myself and what I've let into our lives. I don't regret my new, albeit unplanned babies, but if I knew then what I know now, things wouldn't be like they are today.

I screwed up, big time. I am trying to fix it. It seems like a slow process, but I'm starting to take those steps, I think.

barb dwyer

make your list of things to do monday

keep it in your head.

don't mention anyu of it....

and use that to get through the weekend.


*prayers still going*

jess9776

Is that how you get over the guilt? Remembering all the crap they put your kids and you through? How do you shut that part of your mind off that always somehow "conveniently" forgets all the garbage they do?

I keep reminding myself of these past few days his newest bad deeds and what I need to do. But that stupid part of my mind keeps creeping in those, "see, he's going to try and change this time, give him a chance."

Live

Remember he is doing these things to manipulate you. period. you turned off his phone and he wants things back as they were.

escape artist

welcome to the recovery process Jess here's to your life only getting better, because as you get better everyone else around you has to change too. some won't like it and will try to fight your change with everything they've got. Keep coming here for support cause we have all been through the same crap and got through it -or are getting through it. it is all about the process so they say.....Thumper is right about watch his actions, don't listen to his words, and you can appreciate that he does seem to be trying, it is a good, supportive step-but this does not need to stop you from doing what you need to do for your sake. this is the next learning step of the process-detachment---fake it til you make it-- if you don't get out much you could start by finding an al-anon meeting nearby, you will find support of people who understand what you are going through and can even possibly help you with your transition. it is scary, but when you get to the other side of this you will be much happier.

naive

hang in there, jess. i remember being so manipulate by my alcoholic that i began to second guess myself. just remember, you are sober, they are in an alcohol fog.

i've broken out the drunk translator, so that you can see clearly his manipulation.

alcoholic: gee, it's nice and cozy here in her house. now she's talking about me leaving. if i leave, i won't be able to drink and drug in comfort. plus, i don't want to get a job. even though i have every confidence in her caring for her kids, i will pretend that i am concerned about their well-being. that always works with her. plus, if i'm not here, she could very well get another man and then i'm really out. nope, i'm not budging.

alcoholic: hmmm, she's getting out of line. better insult her and threaten her. to listen to her going on and on, you'd think i'd done something really bad! it's only $100, for pete's sake.

alcoholic: she keeps going on and on about this measly $100. sheesh. i better play up to her and apologize, even though, believe me, the next chance i get to get my hands on some money, i'll take it again. wonder how i can get some money? hmmm. is there something to pawn in the house? jewelry, electronics? i'd really like to score...it's been all day without a joint now. she has no idea the pressure i'm under...i owe everyone i know, even my drug dealer now. and there she goes changing the pin on her atm...maybe i'll wait until she's sleeping and see what she's got in her wallet...wait, i could say i'll do the grocery store run and she'll give me money for that...quick trip to the bar, where i'll double that money, and pick up the groceries on the way home! she'll never be any the wiser!

alcoholic: i actually believe this is all her fault. who cares that i drank heavily before i ever met her? she drives me to drink. i do not have a drinking problem, she's just such a nag, anyone would drink if they were with her. i'll show her i don't have a drinking problem, i'll stop drinking and prove it...tomorrow...if i only smoke joints, then i don't need drink anyway...yes, that is the strategy...

alcoholic: if i do some chores around the house, there is a chance she'll give me money. plus, if i'm nice to her, this will all blow over and things can get back to how they were. gee, i'd like a joint...where can i get some drink? . let's see, maybe billy has some? no, can't call billy, i owe him $40.. there's no way my drug dealer will front me anything..i owe him too much...if she'd just give me ten dollars, i could go to the bar and maybe there's someone there i can tap...i want a joint really...i'll go check all my hiding places, perhaps there's a bit i forgot about...oh, i know, i'll pretend like i'm vaccuming the couch...then i can check to see if any small bits fell down there last night when i was smoking after she went to bed...oh! what did i do with the ashtray? i could put all the roaches together and make a joint that way...

jess9776

naive....thanks so much for that!! It's kind of funny in a sad way; but I'm beginning to see that it's all too true.

Carol Star

I would not tell him anything about what my plans are....not anything....if he gets the idea you are leaving he may freak out. He is not thinking rationally. We already know he is abusive with the closet incident. Just talk with the professionals and follow directions that are safe for you and your children. He is an active alcoholic/addict and you have to get away. Period.

Fandy

I agree, don't tell him anything about your plans or what kind of treatment you wish he would consider....This guy is a deadbeat still sucking you dry...he's more worried about having a cellphone than his kids having formula.

he needs to be out of your life and just be a financial support for his kids....if that is possible....you don't need to feel guilty, you only want a normal family life...but he isn't going to give it to you..."being drunk" is no excuse to steal from you...let him go out and get a job to support his children...and let him get sober.

transformyself

Please stop talking to him about your plans. Think of this as a card game and you are showing him your hand. Come here and talk to us. Call your mother, but he will only use it against you and possibly hurt you or the kids.

Do you have someones phone number from here?

First of all, it's clear you grew up in an environment that conditioned you to feel guilty for the adults behavior around you. The adults who were suppose to be protecting you.

Now you're the adult and believe it or not, you can protect yourself. many many of us have learned how to do it and if we can, so can you.

You want to know how to stop feeling guilty? Change what you say to yourself about yourself. It's easy once you recognize what you're doing. The only thing you're dealing with is your thoughts, and you can change those.

Think about it. Think about that instead of him. Think about how you speak about yourself.

Write this down and read it out loud every chance you get:
I forgive myself
I love and approve of myself

Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds. Just try saying it out loud, like every hour. When the clock strikes 12, go into the bathroom, take out the little piece of paper and read it out loud.

This changed my life. It showed me how horribly I talk about myself. And it will change yours.

Take some time to get excited about your new life waiting for you. Look at it this way, you're much better off than you were before you found SR, right?

After I left my AH I felt like a little kid at christmas, woke up that way, whereas I had been waking up with dread.

you're going to feel so good when this is over, and IT WILL BE!! You are in control of your life Jess. And you can make good decisions

Tell yourself that too

StarCat

I programmed my phone so the welcome message is "You are amazing!"

It felt ridiculous when I first did it, but it makes me happy every time I open it up.

You don't owe him anything. I know it feels selfish, but you need to focus on yourself.

Talking with the psychologist today, about how if he comes near me or call me repeatedly in spite of my emphasis on how I want no contact with him, I need to make my boundaries clear. At work I will call the work psychologist first, then get HR involved. At home, I will give him a warning, and then I will call the police.
At first I felt bad about whether or not I'd follow through with it, but you know what? If he does not listen to the "no contact," that means I'm the one who wants things to be better, and he's the one who doesn't? I should be the one to get the rewards of healing, because I'm the one who wants them. I will have to remind myself of that, but I will have no hesitation should the time come, because he is the one deciding he wants things worse.
It's out of my hands, and for once, that feels SO GOOD.

Carol Star

"Little fish" that was very interesting about the "I would love you ifs". This is true about me and I am an adult child of an alcoholic Dad and code Mom. I am also a recovering alcoholic/addict. Very interesting.....I did that too.....progress over perfection.....