jess9776

The title says it all.

I went online this morning to do some billing. What did I find, but a $100 withdrawl from the other day. The other day that he was stupid drunk, when he came home to "joke around" with my 4 year old dd by trying to get her over her fear and putting her in a dark room and closing the door. When I try to rescue her, he holds the door shut while he's in there. The same night I hear him down in the living room making plans to "get what he needs" and that he'll "cover" whoever it was he was on the phone with. Uses MY car when he's drunk. STUPID HORRIBLE MAN!

Yeah, you'll "cover" someone by stealing money from MY account!

I flipped out. I told him this morning that I don't know who he thinks he is, that he is WRONG on so many levels that it isn't even funny, that he STOLE from me. I need that money to pay rent, to buy one of my twins her formula cause she won't breastfeed like her little brother. That I need to pay the gas bill. That I'm sick of him treating my home as if this is some party house that he can use his money to buy beer and apparently, drugs, but NOT use that money to help pay his portion of the phone bill, or to help pay rent (which he hasn't once helped to pay since he moved in here back in July), or to help buy things his babies need. I'm sick of taking care of everything without any of his help. He's like a 42 year old child.

He kept telling me to be quiet. I told him no, and that he either better make a choice by the end of the month, get yourself into rehab and AA and choose us, or choose your alcohol; and if you choose alcohol, you better find a new place to live, cause you ain't staying here. He didn't say anything but to "come here and give me a hug." I was stunned. I looked at him and told him with a deadly seriousness that I was NOT joking.

Of course, what does that lead to? Him attacking me, attacking my parenting, my kids, everything, how he can't watch anything on tv, how this house is total chaos (hello!?!??! there are 5 kids under 8 here!) He went on about how he should've kept his apartment, and "threw me some money occasionally" for the twins' support, and visited once in a while. He told me I "should've thought of all of this before these f-ing 2 (meaning our twin babies) came." Told me I don't know how to have a relationship. Told me that he "sees why my ex did what he did" ---killed himself--because of me. I told him, sorry you feel that way, and that I forgot, he would know since he was there, apparently...how stupid of me.

One of his stupid "friends" called my house this afternoon, this is a friend he helps get pills for, I found out. He called while abf was in the room with me. I picked it up, and asked who this was and who he was looking for, he told me, I told him NEVER call my house again and hung up on him. He hasn't called back and better not.

He's trying to talk to me, and be nice. I can already feel myself starting to "forget" this. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??!? I am trying to NOT let myself forget any of this. I don't want to back down on this. He uses up all his money on stupid crap, then steals from me?! Steals from my kids!!??

He is back upstairs sleeping AGAIN after having slept for a couple hours this afternoon. After I woke him up at 10 with my freaking out. How could someone need to sleep so much!?

I'm sorry for all this, I know what I need to do and I need the strength to do it. I can feel my anxiety rising just typing this out. Shaking and everything. I'm sick of having more panic attacks in the past few months than I've had in years!

Thanks for "listening" I've been wanting to cry again all day. I did this morning when my anger was built up.

barb dwyer

hi Jess

a few years ago
I could have written that post.

Except for the five kids part.

If you're serious about the not backing down part -
you can contact me any time day or night.

It doesn't mean you have to stay crazy mad like I did 24/7

but if I'd had just ONE person I knew was on my side -
I'd have ended that relationship far earlier than I did.

Nothing in your post talks about him being a great person.
Either sober or drunk.

ANd that's what the disease does.
It blows all our illusions about them
and that just ... pi**es us right the heck off.

hon, if all you need is someone to stand with you
and get this guy off your couch
and paying regular child support
I'm here.

You can file child support
and it's handled through the court system.

Living with a drunk
and trying to handle young kids
is just adding another child.

WHo needs it?

If you need me, I'm here.

Because you sound finished with this.

Learn2Live

I agree with Barb and think that is a great idea: File for child support. My state has a website you can go to and it has all the forms and instructions.

I read your post and just kept thinking, "She is distracted by the idea that he is an alcoholic. When really he is just an a$$hole." Sorry to be judgmental but who needs this? It made me angry to read the post because I KNOW this guy. I want to come over and kick him out myself (codie me).

About this:
You do realize he is a drug dealer then? And that having a drug dealer live with you is bad for the children?
(((hugs)))

brittbritt40

I have given out way too many ultimatums over the last 6 years and unless you actually mean what you say... it's completely pointless.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this! There are so many of us who have been in your shoes sooo many times. Until recently, I was still giving ultimatums, and of course, nothing happened because I never followed through with any of them.

A couple weeks ago, I gave my very last ultimatum. My ABF is currently in rehab and will be coming home next Wednesday. I told him that if he relapsed at all, the kids and I are GONE. I meant it that time. I can't go on living like we have been for the last 6 years. (fyi, I posted my story a few weeks ago if you want to know more of what's been going on.)

LaTeeDa

This makes me so sad. Torturing a 4 year old. This is likely something she will not forget. ever. Stealing money from you is bad, but torturing an innocent child is unforgivable. He should be in jail, IMO.

Please protect your children and get this man out of your house.

L

suki44883

Yeah, I agree he needs to be GONE! I wouldn't even give him to the end of the month, and I'd pull rehab off the table. How can you afford rehab? Rehab won't work anyway unless he truly wants to stop drinking, but I think L2L is right...it's not the alcohol, he's just an azzhole.

JenT1968

oh, I understand this perfectly. I had to write it all down and go back and re-read it. still do. And then I had to stop making deals with someone based on their future behaviour, because that gave me and him a whole new cycle for him to throw me a few crumbs, me to worry about being fair, and give the benefit of the doubt again and round and round and round the misery continued. Instead I had to take action now, in a way that made my life better now, not sometime in the future if someone else changed that behaviour.

I told my husband I would no longer live with him, and that if after 6 months he had demonstrated a solid period of sobriety, we could then look at if we had a marriage worth working on. It was the single best action of my life, away from the constant abuse and chaos, I grew stronger, I started to know myself better; he didn't sober up for a single day and although I was sad about his choice, I didn't have to extract myself from living with the constant chaos and turmoil; that was already done, I already knew I could cope and thrive on my own.

(())

escape artist

if he is doing something illegal he can get arrested and you are participating with him in this if he is living with you. do you need anything more? is this unspoken? If child services finds out you could lose your kids. are you ok with that? get him out of your house now.

brokenheartfool

Oh Jess,
It's not working, is it? hasn't for a long long time.
Those 5 children need a good home with a mother who isn't frazzled all day long. Life is so much work already trying to raise 5 kids if you had the ideal husband.
The stress to you, and the anxiety and dysfunction for those kids. They could so easily end up messed up themselves. I know you don't want that.
I vote you keep your ultimatum and never back track from it.
I vote for you to have a future that is sane.
I vote that your children aren't traumatized and that they don't have a mother that is constantly stressed.
I vote that you remember what it must feel like to wake up, have some coffee, look out the window and daydream, relaxed, at peace, your heart beating at a normal pace.

Hooped

For what it's worth, my wife gave me the ultimatum too this morning. Either I quit drinking or she's gone.
I know she meant business too.

It promted me to do something I've never ever done before.
Dumped all the alcohol in the house right down the sink....

I love my wife to pieces, and she only has to say that once to me.
I know she means it, and she isn't going to say it again....

In my own case, I sure got the message....and for me it will be much easier to quit drinking then to loose her.

Take care.

Learn2Live

JenT1968 said:
Me too, over and over and over again. It's like you get sucked into some black vortex of despair.

NYCDoglvr

How can you allow someone like this in your home? Around your child? If it was me I'd call 911.

seekingcalm

I agree with previous posters. You need to get this man away from your children. He will only get worse.

You are already doing everything on your own. He is mean, and abusive, you and your children do not need him in your lives. You can do this. Your babies need you to do this for them.

wicked

Barb, this is wonderful, I felt the same way. When I finally spoke out (I was active duty and just from rehab myself) everyone I worked with or just barely knew said, "Whatever you need, call me, I can help." You have spoken your truth now, let the helping begin.

My drunk father felt I needed to get over my fear of the dark too. I still fear the dark, and I have a deep fear of abusive alcoholics. I am 51 years old. If anything motivates you at all, let it be what he did to that baby.

When you ask for help, and open your hand, it will be there.

Beth

reefbreakbda

Jess, this may seem like just words and a bit rediculous given your real life day-to-day life right now, but immerse yourself in the this forum, reading and posting and more reading, without knowing it you will find you pick up strength after strength from the wisdom and experience of its participants and the previous posts.

At the top of the page threads there is invaluable permenant threads: read there about how addicts work and behave, a superb 10 point checklist of do's and don'ts.

Hang in there!

naive

hi jess-

i can relate to wondering how someone could sleep so much. mine was the same. i think it's the alcohol that makes them so sleepy. i really got tired of my man lying around during the daytime. i couldn't get on with my day for fear of waking him. it brought the whole energy of the house down.

and then, he was up all night, keeping me awake.

it was a vicious circle. in my insanity, i actually ended up changing my sleeping patterns to match his. it was the only way to get some rest. but not really, as mine would sleep a little bit and then wake up and smoke a cigarette and fall back asleep with lit cigarette in hand and burn the mattress or the sheets or the pillow. i even found cigarette burns in his boxer shorts.

in my continued insanity, i bought an extra fire detector and placed it near his bed (i had long ago moved into the guest room)...then i bought a long strong rope so i could climb out the window should there be a fire...he stole it to tow a car one day...i didn't have money to replace it...

anyway, i could go on and on but just wanted to let you know i do understand.

as for the stealing, can you remove his access to your account?

as for the phone bill, i put a software lock on our phone so that one had to enter a code to make a call out. that worked well.

jess9776

Sorry I haven't answered since yesterday. I was typing something out last night, but he woke up and started coming downstairs, so I let it go.

I know I need him out of here. I have to, I don't want to lose my kids over some "man." NO man is worth that.

He tried to tell me that he's done with "all of that" meaning the stuff he's doing. I just answered him with whatever, I've heard this all before.

I don't think he thinks I'm serious. I think he thinks I'm joking. I've told him to leave before, and he just sits there. This apartment's in my name, not his.

As far as the phone, it's his cell phone portion he keeps stalling on paying. I'm calling today to see if I can have him removed from the account.

I don't know how to get him out of here if he won't leave when I ask him to. Maybe I ought to call up my brothers and let them know what's going on.

As far as the stealing, he took my debit card out of my wallet. That night, I heard him unzip something....I didn't realize it was my wallet he was messing with. I was stupid long ago to give him the number to run to the store for me. Got to change my pin number...

Fandy

FWIW, I called my cell phone provider (or go to the verizo store)....had Mr. Fandy easily removed from my account with no penalties...eve turned his phone number off. He was then completely responsible for getting a new account and phone in his own name.

the reps. were very sympathetic and helpful once I told them i why needed to separate our account and remove him.

jess9776

Fandy, that's good to know. I was wondering they'd penalize me for removing him from the account.

See, he freaks me out b/c he'll say things like, if you tell anyone about anything I do, there'll be repercussions. Like if I tell mom, someone will get mad that she knows and do something.

For the record, I've told my mom in the past about some of this stuff. I need to talk to her again.

barb dwyer

better than that - change the whole account.

and it he's not on the lease - then you've got leverage there.

Glad to read you're being thoughtful and getting together a plan.