Plan to Leave
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 99
Plan to Leave
I need a plan to leave. I'm also looking for a good way to tell my AH husband of more than 30 years that I'm really leaving or he is. We own a home jointly and so I don't know how I can really get him to leave, but I'll need to consult a lawyer for that information. He has been drinking since before we were married and has increased his drinking over the last 20 years. He drinks everyday and just told me a few days ago that he was not an alcoholic. He's not violent but can easily start raging verbal attacks over absolutely nothing. I've been going to Al-Anon for almost 4 years and that's the only reason I'm still sane living in the same house this long. Lately, he has been on some of his best behavior even though he's been drinking. I think he knows something is up, and he's trying to show me how nice he can be. There is way too much water under the bridge for me to think that this is anything but temporary. I've just had enough of it and would like to start living life without having to worry about his drinking and what it's doing to him and me. Any brainstorming ideas on a plan to leave would be appreciated. I haven't told him in many years that I want a divorce since al-anon taught me not to say what I wasn't sure I meant. I'm sure I mean it now, but I don't think he'll take me seriously. He's in his own world and thinks our marriage is just peachy dandy. How do you break through their foggy fantasy world and make them understand you are miserable? BTW, it's only me since the kids are grown and know what their father is.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Hi Boomerlady! I'm sorry that you are going through this agonizing process, but good for you for recognizing that you deserve to have peace and sanity in your own home. I can't imagine how hard it would be to actually leave after 30 years--I left after only a year and a half of madness.
However, one thing that I have learned is to stop waiting for validation from my alcoholic husband. For a long time, I just wanted to convince him that I was right, and that his drinking and drinking behaviors were wrong. I was so frustrated because I never felt like I had the ability to say the words that would make him realize what his behavior was doing to me. Now that I am a bit removed from the situation, I can see that I was right: NOTHING I could have said would have convinced him of anything because alcoholism is geared towards protecting drinking above everything else.
Even with my leaving, my AH would have told you up until the day I left that everything was great. Never mind that I was stressed, and miserable, and nearly physically ill with the situation. He had his drink, so in his mind, everything was find. You can't reason with the unreasonable. And reasoning with an active alcoholic is, as others on this board have told me, like trying to buy fresh bread in a hardware store. And now that I have left, AH has, to some extent told me what I wanted to hear. And you know what? Even though he has said it, it's pretty empty because I don't believe him. It's okay for you to recognize what's going on even if he never does, because he may not.
Hang in there and take care of yourself, you deserve more!
As far as making a specific plan, I do agree with you that you should talk to a lawyer first. In my case, I made no attempt to make him leave because I don't want the house, and my primary objective was to be removed from the situation. If you have an interest in the house, that makes it a bit more tricky. To the extent that you can, I would try to set up separate accounts (bank, email, mailing address) in your name only so that you have a way of getting things done without interference.
Good luck, and please keep posting!
Sasha
However, one thing that I have learned is to stop waiting for validation from my alcoholic husband. For a long time, I just wanted to convince him that I was right, and that his drinking and drinking behaviors were wrong. I was so frustrated because I never felt like I had the ability to say the words that would make him realize what his behavior was doing to me. Now that I am a bit removed from the situation, I can see that I was right: NOTHING I could have said would have convinced him of anything because alcoholism is geared towards protecting drinking above everything else.
Even with my leaving, my AH would have told you up until the day I left that everything was great. Never mind that I was stressed, and miserable, and nearly physically ill with the situation. He had his drink, so in his mind, everything was find. You can't reason with the unreasonable. And reasoning with an active alcoholic is, as others on this board have told me, like trying to buy fresh bread in a hardware store. And now that I have left, AH has, to some extent told me what I wanted to hear. And you know what? Even though he has said it, it's pretty empty because I don't believe him. It's okay for you to recognize what's going on even if he never does, because he may not.
Hang in there and take care of yourself, you deserve more!
As far as making a specific plan, I do agree with you that you should talk to a lawyer first. In my case, I made no attempt to make him leave because I don't want the house, and my primary objective was to be removed from the situation. If you have an interest in the house, that makes it a bit more tricky. To the extent that you can, I would try to set up separate accounts (bank, email, mailing address) in your name only so that you have a way of getting things done without interference.
Good luck, and please keep posting!
Sasha
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Hi Boomer, welcome to the Sanity Site known as Sober Recovery Family & Friends.
I was married for 27 years, when I felt the need to get out, and my then AH, who was happy to choose drink over me and said so for the following week...scared the removal men by his demented looks, and his inspection of every box or case I removed.
I finally told him that if he didn't get out of our way, I would call police into the mix and have him removed until I was gone, and pointed out that the lease was in my name only.
It took me a week to find a flat I could live with for 6 months, til I got sorted out and able to see where I wanted to be. It wasn't the best time of my life, but it sure beat watching a once wonderful husband drink himself into another personality.
Whether your AH takes you seriously isn't up to you to enforce, and I wouldn't even try to get into opening his foggy fantasy world up to the reality, as that would be
almost impossible.
I would get Legal advice before I made a move, as I didn't think about his superannuation plan, and by the time I did, he'd spent it and was living off just the age pension. I missed out on about 80,000 dollars I was entitled to.
I would also have a trusted someone to be there as my backup, just in case of any nasty behavior, as an A seeing his/her "trained" enabler walk out, is likely to be a very peeved person.
Make sure all personal papers, documents and treasures of yours are placed in a safe place, and not able to be accessed by him.
Finances, eg your joint bank accounts, credit cards, phone contracts, anything with your name attached to his....I would get off any I could now, and take steps to remove myself from others that may take more time.
The less you have in common, the less contact you need....and that is priceless.
Others will come and give ideas, but this is a start.
I wish you all the best.
I was married for 27 years, when I felt the need to get out, and my then AH, who was happy to choose drink over me and said so for the following week...scared the removal men by his demented looks, and his inspection of every box or case I removed.
I finally told him that if he didn't get out of our way, I would call police into the mix and have him removed until I was gone, and pointed out that the lease was in my name only.
It took me a week to find a flat I could live with for 6 months, til I got sorted out and able to see where I wanted to be. It wasn't the best time of my life, but it sure beat watching a once wonderful husband drink himself into another personality.
Whether your AH takes you seriously isn't up to you to enforce, and I wouldn't even try to get into opening his foggy fantasy world up to the reality, as that would be
almost impossible.
I would get Legal advice before I made a move, as I didn't think about his superannuation plan, and by the time I did, he'd spent it and was living off just the age pension. I missed out on about 80,000 dollars I was entitled to.
I would also have a trusted someone to be there as my backup, just in case of any nasty behavior, as an A seeing his/her "trained" enabler walk out, is likely to be a very peeved person.
Make sure all personal papers, documents and treasures of yours are placed in a safe place, and not able to be accessed by him.
Finances, eg your joint bank accounts, credit cards, phone contracts, anything with your name attached to his....I would get off any I could now, and take steps to remove myself from others that may take more time.
The less you have in common, the less contact you need....and that is priceless.
Others will come and give ideas, but this is a start.
I wish you all the best.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi again, Boomer;
I'm glad to read you're involved in Alanon.
That's a good resource circle
for the times ahead.
While the decision is definitely an ending
it is also a beginning.
I am glad, too, to see you know you need a plan;
and that plan includes an attorney.
And - finally - we're here as well.
Have you set a timeline?
I'm glad to read you're involved in Alanon.
That's a good resource circle
for the times ahead.
While the decision is definitely an ending
it is also a beginning.
I am glad, too, to see you know you need a plan;
and that plan includes an attorney.
And - finally - we're here as well.
Have you set a timeline?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hi,
When I decided to leave I met with a lawyer (who helped me know what to do about the house and some of the other legalities) and filed paperwork. The paperwork I filed called for temporary use of the marital home (so he could be forced to leave) and it also put a freeze on any major spending. That meant he couldn't liquidate any assets, spend any major money, or take out any loans. We have young children so that was also addressed. This happened before I spoke with him.
Then I came home with the papers and said he could either sign them or I could have him served by the sheriff's department. It made no difference to me but being served may have caused him some embarrassement so I gave him the choice. It also cost me a little money to have him served. He could go to court and fight for the use of the house or whatever but he could not stop the process. Being served removed the need for a signature. I wasn't afraid of him. If I was I would have just had him served.
Even with that he didn't believe it for a long long time. I sat in a counselors office and said to her we are divorcing and to him that I don't want to be married and we are divorcing, and he looked right at the counselor and said she's very supportive of me she doesn't want a divorce. This was after the paperwork was in motion. We were in the counselors office to learn to communicate and move forward so we could co-parent better.
When I decided to leave I met with a lawyer (who helped me know what to do about the house and some of the other legalities) and filed paperwork. The paperwork I filed called for temporary use of the marital home (so he could be forced to leave) and it also put a freeze on any major spending. That meant he couldn't liquidate any assets, spend any major money, or take out any loans. We have young children so that was also addressed. This happened before I spoke with him.
Then I came home with the papers and said he could either sign them or I could have him served by the sheriff's department. It made no difference to me but being served may have caused him some embarrassement so I gave him the choice. It also cost me a little money to have him served. He could go to court and fight for the use of the house or whatever but he could not stop the process. Being served removed the need for a signature. I wasn't afraid of him. If I was I would have just had him served.
Even with that he didn't believe it for a long long time. I sat in a counselors office and said to her we are divorcing and to him that I don't want to be married and we are divorcing, and he looked right at the counselor and said she's very supportive of me she doesn't want a divorce. This was after the paperwork was in motion. We were in the counselors office to learn to communicate and move forward so we could co-parent better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'd agree with Jadmack, that it's not up to you to make sure your AH understands that you're leaving. If you feel you must, state it once, for yourself. You do not have to repeat yourself. If he doesn't understand that, he doesn't want to and will not.
I left now-XAH 2 years before I filed for divorce and apparently filed for divorce about 1.5 years after he found his current enabler GF. I had never brought up the divorce word until I found out about the GF. Then I asked him if that was what he wanted. "No. I'm leaving her. I have the boxes and everything." "She's just a roommate." Fast forward a couple months, I told him I was going to file. He asked why. I told him I was still tired of the drinking and being treated like s--- and was tired of being the cheated-on-wife. His response was "Well, I'm not going to treat her like s---. She's really helped me out." (What did that even have to do with it? - other than he was still not really listening?) He was still surprised and mad when he was served the divorce papers.
None of that really has any bearing on your situation. But I wanted to let you know we understand what a difficult decision it is. And you can still go through with it even if he doesn't understand.
Definitely start taking steps to remove yourself from any debt that is solely his and get him off any of the memberships, accounts, credit cards, etc. that are yours. Keep important documents some where safe that he can't get to.
As Jadmack suggests, when you do get to the point of physically leaving or having him move out, have some one there. It doesn't even really matter if he's as meek as a lamb about leaving; having some one there to support you is so necessary. It's kind of just gravy that they'd also be there if he does get peeved.
Take the time you need to do all of this. And remember to take time to take care of yourself. Hugs.
I left now-XAH 2 years before I filed for divorce and apparently filed for divorce about 1.5 years after he found his current enabler GF. I had never brought up the divorce word until I found out about the GF. Then I asked him if that was what he wanted. "No. I'm leaving her. I have the boxes and everything." "She's just a roommate." Fast forward a couple months, I told him I was going to file. He asked why. I told him I was still tired of the drinking and being treated like s--- and was tired of being the cheated-on-wife. His response was "Well, I'm not going to treat her like s---. She's really helped me out." (What did that even have to do with it? - other than he was still not really listening?) He was still surprised and mad when he was served the divorce papers.
None of that really has any bearing on your situation. But I wanted to let you know we understand what a difficult decision it is. And you can still go through with it even if he doesn't understand.
Definitely start taking steps to remove yourself from any debt that is solely his and get him off any of the memberships, accounts, credit cards, etc. that are yours. Keep important documents some where safe that he can't get to.
As Jadmack suggests, when you do get to the point of physically leaving or having him move out, have some one there. It doesn't even really matter if he's as meek as a lamb about leaving; having some one there to support you is so necessary. It's kind of just gravy that they'd also be there if he does get peeved.
Take the time you need to do all of this. And remember to take time to take care of yourself. Hugs.
Last edited by theuncertainty; 01-05-2011 at 01:38 PM. Reason: had forgotten part of a sentence
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
I wish you the best Boomer ... I love all the suggestions left for you and to focus on YOU. First week of the first month - our alanon meeting focused on the first step: powerless over alchohol ... your story reminds me of that. Be well, be strong and take care of yourself.
Since we are talking about leaving a spouse ... has anyone left their AW/AH after they were in recovery and not drinking? Enough has changed and when relapses surface the old behavior comes back too - for both of us. It's hard to handle the lying - it comes out of hime so easily and when you can't trust someone, how can you trust them with your heart or your most initimate self? Just becuase they are not drinking ... doesn't make everything OK.
Not sure if our marriage can survive this ... maybe counseling will help but I think we both have our doubts.
Would appreciate any and all comments or stories of others. Have learned SO much from this site and Alanon (almost 2 years) ... grateful member of both!
Since we are talking about leaving a spouse ... has anyone left their AW/AH after they were in recovery and not drinking? Enough has changed and when relapses surface the old behavior comes back too - for both of us. It's hard to handle the lying - it comes out of hime so easily and when you can't trust someone, how can you trust them with your heart or your most initimate self? Just becuase they are not drinking ... doesn't make everything OK.
Not sure if our marriage can survive this ... maybe counseling will help but I think we both have our doubts.
Would appreciate any and all comments or stories of others. Have learned SO much from this site and Alanon (almost 2 years) ... grateful member of both!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello boomerlady, and pleased to "meet" you 
Here is another link you may find useful, it is for people in an abusive relationship, but there is a lot of good suggestions for anybody planning to leave
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!)
Mike
Here is another link you may find useful, it is for people in an abusive relationship, but there is a lot of good suggestions for anybody planning to leave
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!)
Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 99
Thanks to all for the helpful suggestions and especially for the understanding and encouragement. Thanks to SashaMB too for letting me know that he'll most likely not understand my feelings no matter what I do or how I try to explain them. That eases my mind because I've wasted a lot of time thinking of how to explain it to him. This week I've been trying to gather information and figure out how I can see a lawyer without robbing a bank. I also talked with my counselor who told me to reflect on it and then make a plan. I will get his name or mine off any joint credit cards or lines of credit. At least I feel grateful that our children are grown, I have a good job, and our bank accounts are already separate. Now I feel like there is so much to do before I can really make this happen. It's hard to live here with him in the meantime and pretend that everything is fine and dandy. Then again I feel that I've been pretending everything is fine for a very long time, but it's harder now that I've decided to take action. My al-anon sponsor is out of the country right now but has been corresponding with me by email so I'm grateful for that too. Thanks to all of you and I'll be in touch.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
Boomer--I second all the advice above, and add my encouragement for you to go get the life you deserve. I've been divorced from my AH for a few months after 29 years of marriage. I promise that, although difficult, it's also wonderful to be in my own place and not wondering what his condition will be when he comes home, will he pass out or try to start an argument, will he hurt someone driving drunk....you know the feeling in the pit of your stomach. Let us know how it's going, and see an attorney asap.
By the way, there is a lot of support for those of us recovering from a midlife divorce, and I'd be happy to recommend some when you're ready.
Take care of YOU and stay safe. Prayers coming your way tonight.
By the way, there is a lot of support for those of us recovering from a midlife divorce, and I'd be happy to recommend some when you're ready.
Take care of YOU and stay safe. Prayers coming your way tonight.
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