New and looking for help

Old 12-15-2010, 10:20 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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New and looking for help

I met my boyfriend in April. We quickly became best friends and fell in love. It took me a few months to figure out he's an alcoholic. He rarely drank around me unless we went out to dinner. I saw beer in his fridge but I don't know many guys who don't have a few beers in the fridge for the weekend. But, I noticed his whites of his eyes were yellowish, so I said something. He didn't want to talk about it at first, but I knew. His best friend said something to me about it one night and said he worries. I've begged my boyfriend to not drink so much and he told me I didn't understand. He got really bad when he lost his grandparents, who raised him.

Now that I know more about his situation, I'm looking for help. He told me Friday that he had not drank anything in four days and I told him how proud I was. I know we still have a long way to go. I have a huge problem - his enabler. His enabler is his mother. She's at his house every day. The first time I met her, she asked if he wanted beer. She brings it to him and when I first said I thought something was wrong with him she said his liver probably bad. Excuse me, but if I suspected my son was ruining his liver I would have him going to the nearest hospital.
I've hidden his beer and poured it out too. I guess because that makes a little less beer in the world for him to drink. I don't care if he finds out or gets mad. One day I hid some and his mother knew I hid it. He wanted to know where it went and she ended up telling him and asking could he not take a joke. It wasn't a joke to me. She knows I'm very worried about him and trying to help him stop. He asked for my help last night, he says he wants to stop.

Sunday I pulled into his driveway and caught her bringing a case of beer out of her car. She saw me and quickly put it back and got something else out.
I said something to him but never got a clear answer as to if he asked her for it or if she just brought it. I text her the next morning and asked her what she did with the beer. She told me she put it in his house that morning. She wanted to know if I was asking for him or myself. I told her I was just asking. She then told me please do not do anything with the beer because that would be throwing money away. She then said he didn't drink any of it the day before so why was I asking where it was. I told her he hadn't drank anything hardly in a week and I was proud of him. She changed the subject.
What the crap? Money is more Important than her son's health? She knows I've beeen trying to help him and that he's trying. I just don't understand.
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Old 12-15-2010, 10:32 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
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Welcome. You've come to the right place. Lots of people will be around who can help you much more than I can. I made the mistake of marrying my alcoholic and it was the biggest mistake of my life. My life became totally insane. We ended up divorced after six years. I'm still getting over it.

Your boyfriend is the only one who can help himself. I thought if mine had a stable environment then he would be able to stay sober. Instead my stable environment became unstable. All you can do is to take care of yourself. This forum has lots of good information. Also AlAnon is a wonderful source of support. Educate yourself all that you can on the disease of alcoholism. That's the best gift that you can give yourself for Christmas.

We're glad you found us. Please stay around.
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Old 12-15-2010, 11:39 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
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Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. You will find support and information here.

I came here to the Friends and Family Forum looking for ways to help my alcoholic husband. I wanted to fix him. I wanted to rescue him from poor health, financial messes, drunken outbursts, anger, denial, depression and loneliness. I was exhausted from trying everything I could imagine.

Then I learned about the three C's of alcoholism:

I did not cause it
I could not control it
I would not cure it

The alcoholism belongs to the alcoholic. It is up to the alcoholic to seek recovery. That is the only way to get recovery to stick. My love was not powerful enough to cure him, my will was not strong enough to control him, and my self esteem was not tall enough to withstand the guilt of believing I caused him to drink.

I was a hot mess.

Alanon, SR and self improvement books have helped me.

SR has permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the pages. The stickies contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom. Here is one of my favorite:
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Old 12-15-2010, 12:38 PM
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Thank you. I will stay around. I want to learn all I can. Thanks for your replies
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Old 12-15-2010, 12:53 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
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Even in the healthiest situations (and his relationship with his mom isnt), you won't supercede Mama's influence on her son. Add on a very dysfuntional mother / son dynamic and you are really speaking a different language than either of them.

He may want to stop but he hasn't taken any steps to do so. Any bit of emotional support or encouragement you give will be underminded by her. I dunno, I would step away from him right now. Just for the fact that mom is still a huge influence on his life as adult. That alone would bug me.
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