vujade

And I just wanted to vent and admit my stupidity in a place where people won't judge.

I am done, done, done with giving away the energy that I need for myself. DONE! How does it happen that you tell yourself that over and over again and think you really mean it and think that you are actually DOING it, only to find that you are doing just the opposite? How do these horrible energy leeches creep into your life so slowly that you become the proverbial frog-in-the-hot-water???

Brief back story: I developed a friendship with a man who was going through (what I thought was) a very similar situation as me. He told me early on in the friendship that he was an RA who was divorcing a codie-in-denial. He said he couldn't remain sober while in the marriage and had decided to leave. Well, being a recovering codie divorcing an A-in-denial, we had quite a bit in common. We talked and supported each other and it slowly turned to more. WONDERFUL man. He has this unbelievable way of calming me down and helping me prioritize. He does little things for me that make me feel special. We laugh together. We have the same interests, sense of humor, desire for peace and simplicity.

Well guess what????? Once fully won over by this man, I realized that he is NOT in recovery. FAR from it. WTF am I thinking??? I mean he is a hide-the-bottle, never drink in front of anyone kind of A and is so smart that he can talk recovery in a very convincing way. Where is my HEAD?? Am I THAT naive? That eager to see the good in people that I can't see a wolf behind the sheep mask?

*I* need my energy right now. I have so much financial stuff to get through in the next week to get out from under STBXAH's money issues, it is unreal. I think today I finally accepted that this whole time, I was giving this man my energy on credit and I see all too clearly that it is a line of credit that won't be repaid. Don't worry about me going back...that's not what this is about. What this is about is...will I EVER freakin' get it??? Or is the only way I can ever have a relationship with a man to approach every single one with a "how-are-you-going-to-mess-up-my-life?" attitude first?

keepinon

Hey now, easy on yourself..if someone is talking recovery and hiding their drinking..it takes alittle while to catch on..now that you have, you are ending the problem.Looks pretty good to me. A true full blown active codie would be wondering how to get this guy into counseling or some sh*%..a recovering codie walks away..like you are!

Bolina

((((hugs))))

You'll get it. It might take a bit of time and space after you are divorced where you do some soul-searching (maybe get a sponsor in Al-anon and work the steps?), but you'll get there.

TakingCharge999

Its not stupidity just patterns that have gone on for years. Patience and IMHO you are seeing his reality and choosing better and that my friend is a huge change from what has been done before.

coyote21

I get it.

In my case it's ME, I've dated/married the same woman over and over. Some refer to it as "my picker being broken", I know mine is. BTW, thats p-i-c-k-e-r!

I've decided to stay single for the first time in my life, until I; 1) work the steps to attempt to fix ME, and 2) wait till LMC is older and no longer needs so much attention from me.

It's been 4+ years and I've been attracted "that way" to 2 women. One made a pass thru Alanon and needed saving, which "used to be" right down my alley (hell, I need saving)! And the other, after we started the "flirt", began to enthusiastically tell me about all the great happy hours in town, and this was AFTER I mentioned I don't drink.

Hello Coyote........anybody home up there?

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

OpenYourEyes

Isn't it scary how convincing they can be? It sounds like this guy has a long way to go and is trying to do everything possible to hide his addiction through the false front. Sometimes it's hard to spot. It's not a flaw in you by any means. In fact I think that it is admirable that not only were you willing to trust until proven otherwise, but are taking the even harder step of breaking away when you discovered the reality of the situation.

lillamy

(((hugs)))
That's sort of the scenario I'm afraid of. I'm telling people I will have a jury of my peers pick my next guy... but a better thing to do would probably be keep on keeping on with my recovery until I trust myself again...?

LaTeeDa

Ah, but you aren't letting him mess up your life. You are walking away before it gets to that point. Progress.

The world is full of messed up people. We're all bound to run across them. I thought "fixing my picker" meant I would never again even be attracted to someone who wasn't good for me. It doesn't. It means you recognize it and walk away before any major damage is done. You're doing that. Give yourself some credit.

L

TakingCharge999

LOL lillamy! yes, another thing I have learned is to actually LISTEN to the people that know me and can see through the BS. I do not think I ever trusted myself. Sigh, perhaps when I unlearn all the toxicity (the 28 years it took to engrain it in my soul) there will be a recovered 60 year old handsome enough to have a healthy relationship with LOL

vujade

You guys rock! Thanks for a different perspective on a very down day (more than just this relationship...I was very weepy and overwhelmed by divorce stuff). I thought about your words last night and realized that I am so very far from where I would have been a few years ago. I recognize that this is an amazing man with a horrible problem but that it can't be my problem. I know that he loves me. I know that I love him. But I also know that I can't be involved with an active alcoholic without losing myself. So I will feel love for him in my heart and hope that someday he feels that same love for himself.

We were supposed to get together to talk last night. I didn't hear from him after a call at noon. It's not the first time he has stood me up and he knows my feelings on such behaviors so he is probably apprehensive to call me...and that's OK. I didn't try to call him last night. Didn't call this morning. Every time I feel sadness or anxiety, I leave my office and walk around a bit...think of all the wonderful things about him and what I gained out of my time with him (he really brought so much to me during these few months) instead of feeling angry or obsessive about what/who he is not.

breakingglass

I beat myself up all time for doing it "one more time". i'm always "done, done, done" but here i am taking it all over again. its not weakness. i like to believe that it's because i have too much compassion for people and i feel like a big desserter if i go. i love my AH but i too find myself in that same boat again and again. i'm trying to be patient with him and myself...patience does wear thin..... i know because my can't get much thinner.

keep the faith

Bernadette

Codependency is not about a relationship with an addict, it is the absence of relationship with self. - Terry Kellogg


Just noticed your tag line.
WOW!!
True dat!

I agree w/ LTD. You recognize the lies/problems w/ him, you see the pattern - I'd say that is progress!

Peace-
B