novachick

My 22 year old daughter has a drinking problem. She lives with her father (we've been divorced since she was about 13)...and unfortunatly she chose to live with him because there were no boundaries. I am finding out alot of things just recently so please bear with me if I am jumping around. He has been allowing her to drink since she was about 15. Lately my other children
(17-24) have been expressing their concerns. They tell me now that she drinks every single day. If she has a day off from work..she says its a day drinking day! NOW...I find out that she is drinking while driving!! Not getting drunk then driving...actually driving with a beer in her hand!! I am so afraid she is going to kill herself or someone else on the road...or pedestrian etc!
When I try to talk to my ex...he says "well if she is an alcoholic, she's a functional one 'cause she gets up and goes to work everyday"!! Great help he is. Actually...she almost lost her job of 3 years just last week for opening up late just one too many time because she overslept because she was out drinking all night!!! Unfortunatly her boss caved and changed her mind. Her siblings are all trying to talk to her...but she justs blows up and says she's gonna 'party till she's 30'! Then she swears at them and off she goes. I know we can't force her to get help until hopefully one day SHE asks for it...but I am very very worried about the driving around with a beer in her hand!! I just don't know how to handle this whole situation.....thanks for listening.

keepinon

Welcome. I have an 18 yr.old addict dughter.There isn't really a darn thing you can do but start setting your own boundaries with her and if you are enabling..stop.Alalnon can be really helpful..it is for me. Don't let Your Kids kill You is a good book too.

Freedom1990

Novachick, welcome to SR!

You will find lots of mothers here with alcoholic children, me included.

Mine is 32 years old, and has been at it with both drugs and alcohol since 15. She's currently abusing Xanax.

I'm also a recovering alcoholic/addict myself, sober 20 years, and I was married to an alcoholic/addict.

There are 3 C's that are helpful:
You didn't cause your daughter's alcoholism.
You can't control your daughter's alcoholism.
You can't cure your daughter's alcoholism.

Please find some Alanon meetings in your area, dear. There you will find face-to-face support among those who understand.

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent starter book that I recommend.

I will say that my parents were my best enablers in my active alcoholism.

I refuse to enable my AD.

I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.

It took every single miserable event I experienced in my life to finally hit a bottom for myself.

I won't rob her of the same opportunity.

I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You will find loads of support and information here. Plus, we are open 24/7.

We understand how frustrating it is to see a loved one continue to make unhealthy choices with alcohol. I also have a 22 yo daughter who drinks. I have detached from that part of her life. When she visits me, it is an alcohol free visit.

I recommend reading in our sticky (permanent) posts at the top of this forum. You will find some of our stories there as well as wisdom from others sharing their experiences.

Here is a link to a sticky that contains steps that have helped some of us:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

novachick

thanks so much for all the posts! My ex 'enables' her in every way. He pays her car loan when she doesn't have any money left for that....pays her insurance...even fills the fridge with beer!! I have been told that he even joins her at times...then my 19 yr old daughter gets a call to come pick them up!! The car is in his name...I know...if she doesn't have it she will just get a ride from a friend...but at least then SHE wouldn't be behind the wheel. there are NO consequences....one thing tho...my 19 dd doesn't drink BECAUSE of her big sis!! I will definatly look up ALANON...and attend meetings.

Freedom1990

It's frustrating when someone enables them. After I got sober, my parents started enabling my oldest when she started her addictions.

It used to drive me crazy!

I finally realized I had no more control over what they did than I did my daughter.

Keep posting. We're here for you.

Kindeyes

Novachick
I love this because it is so clearly and beautifully stated. I was my son's best enabler. It appears that your husband is doing an outstanding job of enabling your daughter. Although I didn't give my son alcohol or anything of that nature, I shielded him from any and all consequences of his actions. And I made myself very very sick doing it.

Don't rob your daughter of the opportunity to feel every single bump in her own road that she creates as Freedom so eloquently stated.

It may sound very strange but I wish I had someone emphasize to me that I was in need of help and could get it by walking through the doors of Alanon. I was in my own state of denial. If I knew then what I know now, I may not have stopped my son from becoming an alcoholic and drug addict, but I may have stopped the progression of my own mental and physical deterioration.

gentle hugs from another Mom who understands