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I'm the queen of codependancy

Old 10-31-2010, 08:47 PM
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I'm the queen of codependancy

Well well well guess who's a sucker? Yep, ME! I wrote on this board less than a month about moving away from my ABF because he was just a huge mess with his drinking. Since then i have visited him twice. It was two weeks ago that i went to see him and he ended up getting into a huge argument with me saying when i left i let him down and he only moved out of his moms house because i said i would be there with him, blah blah blah. So i ended up crying and swearing to myself that i wouldnt put up with that crap anymore. Well i was barely even back home from that visit when we started to text and talk again. He apologized and promised to go to his meetings. I knew it wouldnt make a difference but we texted like usual every day, atleast 50-100 messages a day and he convinced me to come there for halloween. He knows halloween is my fav time of year and two girls that he hangs out with invited us to a party so we went. I felt weird going because i knew the party was at a bar. He was great and didnt touch a drop of booze, infact he bought me a few drinks. It was a fun night. Today i had to leave to come back home due to working tommorrow. I wasnt even home yet when i had a feeling he was drinking. It's odd that i can just pick up that vibe now. I texted and asked if he was drinking and all he said was "ugh". It's been a few hours and no word from him. So he's on a binge. I texted his boss (we get along great) and warned him that my ABF was drinking and probably wouldnt be at work tomorrow. His boss said that if my ABF wasnt there tommorrow then he is getting fired. I hope he means it, cause he's a sucker for my man's smooth talking too.

So here i sit back at my parents house worrying about my ABF. I'm watching tv trying to take my mind off things and of course like a sign from above a commercial for alanon comes on. I know i need to go to a meeting, but i'm so nervous. I'm not good at meeting new people. I hate being judged and always worry about others not liking me. I know i have alot of issues, lol. I dont know what to say when i arrive. And is anyone gonna be around my age (28)? Guess it all depends on the meeting.

I also bought the book codependent no more....it sits on my dresser, I glanced at it once. Looks like a good book with tons of info, i dont know why i havent read it all yet. Maybe i just wanna ignore the problem and hope it goes away. Hahaha yeah we all know that works.

I'll start in on the book today and also try and get some courage to go to a meeting. I know i need to get some stress off of me. I have been watching what i eat and yet i keep gaining weight and my blood pressure is high. Doc asked me if i had stress in my life...i laughed. He told me the belly fat will just keep accumulating until i calm down. I bet the meetings would help, i just need to quit making excuses about why i havent gone.

Thanks for listening. i'm a rambler when i'm worried/stressed/upset, etc
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Old 10-31-2010, 09:11 PM
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WB,

Sorry about the bad weekend. I'm not sure why you'd go to a party with him at a bar. And I REALLY don't know why you would call his boss. Regardless how you get on with the boss, it really isn't your business.

Glad to hear you are planning to go to a meeting. You don't have to say anything when you come in. There is an opening format with some readings, and at some point they may ask if it's anyone's first meeting. You give your name, and that's it, unless you want to share more. There will probably be a topic, and people will either raise their hands to share or they will go around the room. If you don't feel like sharing, you can just say "I'll pass" or "I think I'll just listen right now."

When I used to go to Al-Anon, there were a mix of people, older to younger. Every meeting is different. Listen for what you can identify with, rather than comparing your situation to that of others.
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Old 10-31-2010, 09:45 PM
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I know what you mean...certainly wasnt my choice to go to a bar but he insisted i drink and have a good time. Told him i could have a good time without drinking but he said he couldnt avoid being around drinking so he told me to go ahead. Believe me, i think it was a stupid thing for me to do. Everyone kept telling me i didnt have to give up drinking because of him, but honestly i dont really see the fun in it anymore.

As for texting his boss its an arrangement we have always had. His boss is basically like a dad to him and texted me earlier in the day to ask me how things were going. I told him things were pretty great, then sent him the message later telling him things werent so wonderful anymore. I hope both me and his boss can detach from him.....i gotta get stronger.

I just went through my photos from last night....everyone looked so happy. It's amazing how fast things change.

I have plans set to go to a meeting either tommorrow or tuesday....i hope i post bak saying that i went. I'm just a big chicken!
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:55 AM
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I texted his boss (we get along great) and warned him that my ABF was drinking and probably wouldnt be at work tomorrow.
Seriously, doing something like that to my EXAH would have gotten me seriously injured, if not killed.

I sincerely hope you get to some meetings and start extricating yourself from that insanity, including staying in touch with his boss.
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Old 11-01-2010, 11:47 AM
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hi bokersbear-

you don't have to say one single thing in the meeting, if you don't feel like it. you can just go and listen.
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Old 11-01-2010, 12:50 PM
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Um the whole boss thing is as codependant as it gets. I would've texted ugh back too from what it sounds like is going on. Get to a meeting quick where they will help you put the kaibsh on that kind of behavior.
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Old 11-01-2010, 12:56 PM
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Hi boskerbear. Welcome back. Good for you for coming here and sharing what has been going on with you. And EVEN BETTER you are going to go to Al-Anon! YAY!!! Just remember, they are just people, and they have been through EXACTLY what you are going through. All I did for probably the first week of Al-Anon meetings was cry. No one tried to make me talk or force me to do anything. You will be just fine. Sorry you are going through all this craziness--I am glad to hear you are taking steps to get yourself out of that.
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Old 11-01-2010, 05:28 PM
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You bought a great book. I read it a year ago, then started reading it again about a month ago. There are some really good observations in there. Al Anon is another wonderful tool. The people there will think nothing about you sitting there and saying nothing, or crying, or whatever.

My main advice is to start thinking about yourself more and him less. It is hard to do and we all relapse. But it is about you, not him.

Good luck. You can be happy.
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Old 11-01-2010, 07:19 PM
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So I drove past the building where the meeting was tonight, but couldnt get the courage to go in. The next meeting is thursday. I'm going for sure. In the mean time i'm going to read more of the book....im hooked on it...and it keeps me from responding to his drunken texts Also bought a treadmill so i can focus on myself instead of him!!
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Old 11-01-2010, 07:31 PM
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welcome!

I chair the Family and Friends meeting on Sat nights here at SR at pm. I would like you to feel that this is another support available to you. This is a difficult time and support makes a huge difference. There is also a chat room - called the "alanoroom" for F& F only. Just post for someone to meet you there if you wish to chat.
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Old 11-02-2010, 09:11 AM
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i made it official, told him im coming to get my stuff friday night and that we are done.it hurts alot but i know its best for me.....alot less stress is coming my way!
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