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Bad night and bad morning

Old 10-30-2010, 09:28 AM
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Bad night and bad morning

hey guys,
i was sitting here crying to myself and didn't know where to turn. i could call my friends or my mom, but they can't understand, so i decided to turn to all of you!

quick recap - i have been separated from AH for 3 months now, and i was doing pretty good on my own. i have another person in my life that has been there for the last 3 years. now that we can be together we have a little bit, and the relationship - or thought of it - is tough because of the complicated situation. i realized last night after he and i had a conversation that made me cry for 2 hours after he left that i'm so not even close to recovering from my co dependency. i felt attacked by him, even though i don't know that it was his intention... but it hurts. i always had him to hold onto but i realize it was more in my head and me "needing" him , and it wasn't healthy.

so today is a new day, im trying to tell myself. i'm having one of those "what the hell have i done to my life" moments... and i don't have my daughter here and i miss her terribly too. she is with her dad and i hate that! at least this time in my moment of sadness, i'm not thinking i want to run back to AH and make it work. i did that last time and it was not good and only made a bigger mess.

where do i start my recovery? how do i do it? all i want to do is now run to someone else for comfort and attention... and i feel like rebelling... which i always regret later. i know this person in my life isn't going anywhere, and i realize we just have to be friends for now, but it still hurts. i need to get better and i don't know where to start.

im going to spend some time with my best friend, and cuddle up with her and watch twilight ...again... for the 85th time. maybe that will help, i just hope i don't lose it and start crying again.

thanks for listening to my rambling.... hope everyone has a fun halloween.
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Old 10-30-2010, 09:30 AM
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Run to a good therapist!

Really.

A good therapist will help you work through all that. I benefited huge amounts from going to therapy, and if I could afford it I'd still be going.
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Old 10-30-2010, 09:58 AM
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May I suggest books like

Melody Beatty- Codependent no more
Melody Beatty - The grief club (excellent book about coping with all kinds of changes, includes exercises)

Writing letters to AH, to this person that hurt you, to your parents about all of what you needed and didn't get...the burning them or trash them... and do it again... of course this goes way better with therapist guidance. All the stuff we have done these years won't magically go away, it takes a pro to know the way out, and we can help ourselves doing just like you are doing, observing, and making a decision not to be that person anymore.

I got therapy in 2 hours and can feel my resistance, but I am going anyway. I also just realized how much affection I need, and recently felt like a circus dog trying to get someone's attention. Yes..that is how I felt, trying to lure someone into thinking I'm fun, interesting, etc and I felt very uneasy. When we realize what we are doing we are already growing.

I liked Twilight. Did you watch "Remember me" also with Robert Pattinson?
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Old 10-30-2010, 10:09 AM
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I am sorry for your loss, Fighter. What I found out when my sister was killed, is that those stages of grief you read about -- they're phases of a cycle. You repeat the cycle of grieving and the cycles become less intense and shorter over time. Knowing it doesn't do much to ease the pain, though, so have a bon-bon and a hug.
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Old 10-30-2010, 10:40 AM
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but it hurts. i always had him to hold onto but i realize it was more in my head and me "needing" him , and it wasn't healthy.
i know this person in my life isn't going anywhere, and i realize we just have to be friends for now, but it still hurts. i need to get better and i don't know where to start.
Hi Fighter. I think you're on to something important here. Going straight to the arms of another man probably isn't going to bring you any healing in the long run.

Still Waters is right -- therapy will help get you there. And TC's book suggestions are right on. May I suggest another book? 'Women Who Love Too Much' is about love addictions and codependency -- excellent book. Al-Anon is another life-saving tool for many.

Hugs and peace to you.
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Old 10-30-2010, 12:08 PM
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Maybe Thelma and Louise instead of Twilight..put you in touch with some female power! Jk..try some alanonmeetings..peeps there let me cry to them, then push me forward.I totally ge the urge to rebel..I am 40 yrs old and just yesterday was fantasizing about running away..and yet as you said..always seem to reget those rebel without a cause moments. Hope you are feeling a little better.
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Old 10-30-2010, 01:45 PM
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-Stay away from ALL men for now. Running to the next "fix" is not going to help, It keeps you locked in your sickness. TRUE recovery cannot be successful if you're just going from guy to guy.
-Get to a al anon meeting (best free therapy you'll ever get)
-grieve
-love you (even if you have to fake it)
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Old 10-30-2010, 04:23 PM
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I know that feeling of not knowing where to start. Many good things have already been suggested.

Keep posting, and know that we care!
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