TakingCharge999

My dad is coming to Mexico to visit my grand dad. He tells me he had 2 recent heart attacks and he is still alive - but not for much time.

He is asking me to visit him(them) this weekend. I do not know how much the trip is going to cost or if I would even be able to afford it - its in a state called Yucatan ("near" Cancun) and I am near the Pacific- its far away. I am feeling guilt because I don't know if I will make it money wise.


Now I am feeling something and I don't know what it is. I cried when I read these news, felt such a great void. The last time we talked about the grand dad was my dad saying "I don't want to see him ever again". That was 2 years ago.


Now he is coming all the way from Finland to spend one weekend with him.


My family is kind of "mysterious" about stuff, but the man left my grand mom alone with 6 kids. I do not know how or why or when. I just know I have never met him. And he has not shown like, lots of interest in knowing me or my sister. (An aunt lives there and a gathering could have easily been set up.. but.. no.)

It would be the first time I ever see him and who knows in which condition he is- or if he will even make it to next weekend-.

Myfamily has many examples of codependence, and absent male figures.





Then I say-yes, when my dad is having trouble or needs emotional support, I have to forget everything, move mountains and fit his schedules- but where has he been the last 25 days when I have gone through so much?



If he really cared then why the hell didn't he go visit her sooner? why wait until his father is dying??

(As you can see I am experiencing many different emotions at the moment)


I wonder if it wouldn't be better to keep my plans going (I had already planned my money for the Dec. trip) and have them have their moment alone. It makes me guilty I would rather spend it on my vacation.


As sad as it is, anyway, its a stranger who is dying and someone who gave heartaches to at least 7 people. My dad went without food many many days, and was often fed food he didn't like as a kid - but there was nothing else. (That I know because my sister told me, in tears). I wonder if the grand dad ever wondered if their children had any food. (In fact I don't think they ever divorced, only separated..). That infuriates me. But I would also want to see my dad, his wife is not coming so it would be good to spend time with my dad just the two of us, and my aunt/cousins.


I am very confused, and I am not sure I can resort to the therapist as that would be another 50 bucks that may get me to the capital to take another bus, or a flight.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Dee74

prayers for you and your family TC.

I would find out how much it would cost first, and then if that's ok - then can decide on the basis of the pros and cons you've listed here.

Whatever you do, do the best thing for you
D

LexieCat

Maybe you could extend your dad an invitation to visit you while he is down there? I don't know the family dynamics--whether he would be upset that you didn't go there to visit where your grandfather is.

I agree with Dee, though--you will have to decide what's best for you.

TakingCharge999

Thank you. You are right. I'll find out the costs and my budget - and, it ocurred to me I can explain that to my dad and perhaps he could take care of the hotel, or something.

Thank you so much for being out there. I feel like crying again. I'll try not to fight the feeling...

TakingCharge999

I don't think Miss Manners has an answer about how to behave in such a situation. God I hate hospitals, even going for something simple makes me all nervous.

This is probably way difficult for my dad too. I don't know if my grandmom will be there. She is a raging codie, has mistreated my mom and sister, but recently she has been nicer with me and once we had lunch, she told me stories about my dad, we both had a really good time - and she lent me her car for months when I needed one. That one, is another very confusing relationship.

My dad is his favorite and everybody knows it.

I'll call Mom.

Impurrfect

((((TC)))) - I'm sorry about all this, and can imagine it has dug up all KINDS of feelings.

I can't tell you what to do, but agree with ((Dee)) - do what's best for YOU, and you can't go wrong. It's not always easy, taking care of us, and guilt seems to come from nowhere. However, in the long run, we get past the guilt and feel better that we took care of us.

Big hugs and prayers,

Amy

dollydo

I have learned to trust my instincts. Good advice ahead of me.

My grandfather died at age 92, I had visted him 3 weeks B/4 he died, he lived in NC and I lived in Illinois. When he died, I did not go to the funeral, I just could not afford to make the trip again. I have no guilt, I did the best I could at that time in my life.

Use you best judgement, and follow through, there really is no right or wrong in this situation.

Hugs,

TakingCharge999

I talked to my mom and she said, to ask $$ help from my dad if needed. And yes, I need it.
So I'll go if he chips in - otherwise its out of the picture - my mom said it would be good for him that I am there. And that it would be good for me too, to spend some time with my dad.

My mom mentioned my dad was abandoned by his dad when he was small, emotionally, physically, financially. Lightbulb moment. Funny how the story keeps repeating - at least my dad supported me financially - for that, I am grateful.

TakingCharge999

Thanks all, your support means much to me.

dollydo

Sounds like a plan, and, I agree spending time with your Dad would be good!

Freedom1990

Sounds like a plan to me too.

Reading your posts takes me back to my early recovery, TC.

I was so emotional, and those emotions were all over the place!

I'd wake up in the mornings and before my feet ever hit the floor, my head was already 10 miles down the road.

I made everything a huge deal, and I mean everything.

I think a lot of it is recovery, but some of it is growing older too, and honestly, there's very little to ruffle my feathers these days.

I just refuse to make everything a crisis like I used to.

Lots of deep breaths, continuing work on self, saying the serenity prayer over and over...those are all things that brought me to where I am today.

Still Waters

I didn't go to the bedside when my grandfather passed away this year, nor did I go to the funeral. Partly because I needed to work, but partly because he molested my mother and some of my aunts - and really, I don't want to be near him.

I took care of him and grandma when she was alive, I did it for her. But when she passed away last year, my obligation to him was over. For me.

I don't feel a bit guilty for not going. I did what was best for me.

TakingCharge999

Thanks all.
He is stable.

My dad decided to come with his wife in January/Feb instead.
This hurt because I know this means my time alone with him will be reduced, yup, she ALWAYS wants to be there, and my dad doesn't want to "hurt her". (Codieness anyone?)

We don't know if the "grand dad" -come to think of it, he does not deserve that title- will make it through these months, but according to the docs, he is doing better.

My mom says he should come before its too late, it makes no sense to wait, but we agreed its his choice. Hopefully he can visit him. If its an option, I don't think i will go there.

I don't want to meet the man.
Thanks all for your help, throughout this.

PS Thanks Freedom, perhaps in some years I'll find the same tranquility you have found! for now the world has missed a great opera artist, lol.

Freedom1990

I have no doubt you will get there some day, TC.

wow1323

Follow your heart; it will lead the way.

TakingCharge999

They will do a vascular catheterism tomorrow.
My dad may come in January.. not sure if we will be able to meet though.. this "grandad" is in the Caribbean peninsula, the grandmom is in mex city and I am in the west coast.

I do not get why he is not packing RIGHT NOW and coming to see him while he is still alive. Is he waiting to come for the funeral instead? then we also have his controlling wife who I am SURE wants him to stay with her during Christmas, new year etc etc. as if they hadn't spent the last 21 years together.

I am angry.

In therapy I discovered my anger comes from all the time he chose his schedules in order to see my sis and me. We could never say "we need to see dad". It always depended on him, his job, his wife, his plans. Still does.

This has hurt for decades and still hurts.

I recreated the same dynamic with a selfish alcoholic, having him not giving a damn and acting as if I didn't exist at all, after being very close. Or so it appeared to be.

Yesterday I received a package from my sister with cool hippie stuff from Nepal, Mandala books, etc and I cried a lot because yesterday I was quite sad and was feeling SURE I would NEVER get over these hurt feelings towards father, XABF and everyone in between. No wonder I always get sore throats etc, I have never voiced my needs or demanded much.

I feel bad for not giving a damn if the man dies or lives... I feel abandoned by him too. I know he could have contacted me or expressed something towards me but no, he never voiced any interest. And he may die without us ever sharing a single word.


Indifference from the males in my life, THAT is what has hurt me so much all this time, and where all my anger comes from.

Thanks for letting me vent.

TakingCharge999

Forgot to add I felt grateful for my sis who gets me and knows what I like!!
God bless sisters...
I don't know what she thinks of all this... probably she would ask me to go there... we are used to grab the morsels of attention when we can.
Ugh.

TakingCharge999

My grand dad had another heart attack. Still alive though. The catheterism was not succeful as his vains are in really bad conditions.

My dad tells me he does not want to rush back here as he wouldn't see me, and his wife wouldn't be able to come with him.

Sound like a child. Isn't this supposed to be between his dad and him?? I have found my dad is also codependent!! not only my mom!! I am a "double CODIE winner"

I sense the man is going to die and then he is going to be here but for his funeral.... I do not know what to tell my dad... so... I didn't say anything.

Thanks for letting me journal my feelings over here. I don't know, the fact that he is not packing and taking a plane NOW tell me he doesn't love his own father that much either. Also a fractured relation and the story repeated itself with me and him, only that I am ready to forgive him for his mistakes. (Long way ahead but it would be very sad for me if my own dad was dying and I was having second thoughts about visiting him. That is very very sad )

TakingCharge999

So this continues to be a long day. I feel very guilty for not caring about this man's life or death. Still haven't approached the subject with my dad. Also I am angry with him as I work in therapy. Have been crying for the last half an hour. The man abandoned his family. My dad did the same thing. My other grand dad died before I even met him.

A shaman I met once told me that what I have been lacking all this time is the feeling of protection from a male figure. He was so right... meanwhile we are not sure if the man will see the new year.

I believe I also resent the man for what he did to his family. I may be carrying resentments from my mom towards my dad and the resentments from my dad to his own dad (he won't admit any of that but by now I trust the actions...and non-actions..and the message is clear)

I hope I have enough courage to give back those resentments to the original owners and be free to work on mine.

theuncertainty

Sending big hugs your way, TC. IMO, I think it's normal that if you feel anything for these absent guys in your life that it be resentment. That is not what a dad or grandfather are supposed to be. They hurt your mom and grandmom and all of the kids and grandkids involved by walking away from your family.

It sounds like you're really working through your feelings and that is hard stuff.

Your note about lacking protection from a male figure really struck a chord with me. I had posted a couple a-ha moments on Rayn3drop's thread "Question..." and part of one moment was the realization that I felt I needed a guy to protect me. I’m guessing that seeing that ‘need’ is part of the process required to work through it and get beyond it.

I’m sorry your dad’s father is not doing well. Whatever your dad decides to do is all on your dad. You can let go of that responsibility; it’s not yours. Hang in there TC.