XXXXXXXXXX

OK, so I moved out, moved 5 hours away. I am at my parents house, looking for a job and a small house/apt. Nightly I have talked to XABF. When I left last wednesday night, he proceeded to get crazy drunk wednesday-friday morning. I told him then that I needed to set two boundries:

1. don't call me if you are drinking.
2. don't call me after 10pm.

I was ok with talking otherwise. Friday night-tonight I have spoken to him nightly. Tonight I believe he was, I didn't accuse, but told him I needed to go. He asked "Why, do you think I am drinking?" Instead of engaging on that nowhere question, I told him I was busy.

On Friday his parents came down. They helped him pack up the things I left behind (I packed quickly and didn't have room for everything). They sat down with him and talked about the finances of his home, which since he lost his job will likely need to be put on the market. It is also in his mother's name. They helped him clean up the house. They left today.

Basically I still worry about him. Talking to him lets me know that he and his son are ok. BUT he also has asked me today if I think he can have another chance. I have told him that he needs to work on sobriety and work on himself and who knows what the future holds. This is not a good answer for him. He has said that he may move back up here, that he will "come find me" at a better time.

BTW, tomorrow would have been our date to fly out to vegas, and thursday would have been our wedding.

The calls are becoming really unproductive. There is no way that I could tell him that I am willing to work on our relationship at this point, so he asks me things like "Why, are you already dating someone?"

Saturday I was invited by friends (a couple and their kids) to go to another couple's home for dinner. It was nice. I made new friends, the kids played. He asked what I was doing and I told him that I was going to dinner with some friends. He asked today if that was a set up, if I met someone that night.

He keeps asking for another chance. I keep saying that maybe one day that will happen, but for now I need to make a life for myself and daughter here and he needs to work on his issues. It is a going nowhere dialog.

Should I talk to him about no contact, write a letter or email, or do I just stop answering?

suki44883

Just stop answering. Block his number on your phone and his email address on your computer. You are correct that these conversations are unproductive. The more you talk with him, the more confusing everything gets. He knows how you feel about the drinking. No need to keep reminding him.

Also...

1. don't call me if you are drinking.
2. don't call me after 10pm.

These are not boundaries, they are rules. They require HIM to make changes. In this scenario, boundaries would be..

1. If he calls me and I can tell he is drunk, I will end the call immediately.
2. I will not answer the phone if he calls after 10pm

Of course, if you are going no contact (which I strongly suggest) the above is moot, but something to keep in mind.

stacylove

XXXXXXX (whoa you have a lot of X's),

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, and your canceled wedding. If you two were in love, you owe it to him to tell him about the no contact. I think it would be mean to just stop answering, just be honest with him and tell him goodbye for now, either by phone or email or whatever. You will upset him if you just cut him off without telling him why. Good luck to you

coffeedrinker

i agree that writing a note might be the most appropriate next step, unless he is verbally abusive and refuses to end the call, etc.

i just think that i would better live with myself - who i wish to be - if i let the guy know.

there are no rules about it, however. either way you will get support from us!

if you do write a note, be succint, and say why YOU have to do this N/C, how YOU feel when the calls come in. what you don't wanna do, is rehash what you've already said 100 times, or point your finger at HIM, such as "I can't talk to you! You're SUCH a jerk, you make me feel rotten!" those kinds of statement are not - imo - acceptable.

good luck, your new life is beginning.

DMC

Repeat after me.

"I need space. Please leave me alone."
"If you're still sober and I'm still single in 5 years, then we'll talk."
"I need space. Please leave me alone."

Over and over and over. No matter how much you want to talk to him. Eventually you'll start to believe it yourself. That's how I did it, and it was really freaking hard. But it worked, he got it, and he quit calling.

Agree with Suki. He knows how you feel, and you don't have to keep reminding him. Just be a broken record.
No contact helps a lot.

Babyblue

You've gone through a lot in this relationship in a short amount of time. It is a lot to process. Going no contact would definately give you the space you need.

In answer to your questions, here is my honest feedback (please take it for what it is worth)...

Should you talk to him about going no contact?

You can let him know you are going to do this (I would given you were once engaged) but he won't be pleased. Are you prepared for that reaction? Are you strong enough to withstand the emotional stuff that he may stir up with the conversation? If it is going to make matters worse right now then I'd think about whether telling him is good or counter productive.

Should you go no contact?

If it is for the right reasons then yes.

Will going no contact help?

Help with.... what? Be clear with yourself what the goal is because sometimes no contact can be more of a manipulation tactic then a boundary. You may break it and feel bad and then this other cycle begins for you. I guess my only concern is it would be difficult to go no contact if you still interact with his family. It may take distancing yourself from them if you want to clear yourself of this.

I think you should go no contact, I don't know if you are prepared for it though -- you are still attached and worried about him. If you can truly detach then you'll benefit from no contact.

Buffalo66

I am totally with suki on this.

The statements you make must be about YOU and what you are choosing for yourself, or else not only will he not buy what your selling, but you wont either.

You were going to get married. He knows why you left. He is not dumb, but in case you fear he wont understand, send it in an email . \\

MAke your statements about you and your health and healing, about you being a better, more present parent, about how you are choosing NOT to live with alcohol as an everyday/week presence in your life.

Dont get confused, or guilty or full of pity. He KNOWS why you left, he knows why his marriage was cancelled, for Gods sake!

I used to get so twisted up dealing with my AH, that I was constantly reiterating to him why I was unable to abide by his habit of maintaining text contact with his bar girlfriends...

SOmeone at SR snapped me out of it,

"He knows what MONOGAMY is. He knows what MARRIAGE is. You do not have to explain why you dont want to talk to him, he was texting another woman while in your home, drunk."

In this same way, your A KNOWS, but we get guilty and fake ourselves into their fake confusion...

Take the time and space you deserve and need. You have a dream of a marriage to grieve over and a daughter to be there for.

You are doing great!!

FindingPeace1

I just want to say you have grown fast in a short amount of time.
You are learning to take care of YOU.

I am so, so proud of you.
I KNOW this hurts.
Feel the grief and keep making choices that bring peace to your life.

SUCH HUGE HUGS

peace

LexieCat

I think a very brief communication that you feel it is best to break off contact is in order.

You just have to do it in a way that indicates your mind is made up, that you do not wish to discuss it further.

As the others here have pointed out, he KNOWS what the problem is.

Maybe you could make it for a definite time period at first--six months or something. That would give you some time and distance to decide whether you want to be open to the possibility of continuing to stay in touch. You may find the relief from the insanity so attractive by then that you will be ready to move on, regardless what he does. Or you might find that he is in recovery and you are willing to wait and see how that works out.

Hugs, it sounds like you're doing great.

nodaybut2day

XXXXXXX,

Thanks for coming back to SR to update us. I've been checking regularly to see if you posted, and I'm glad to see you are your daughter are starting over in a "safe" place.

Whatever method you choose to close the door on this relationship, at least for now, I do agree that No Contact would be best for you. As for him, this is part where you practice letting go and trusting HP. He will be ok.

I also wanted to express how amazed I am at your quick progress since you've started comnig to SR. You're doing so well it's astouding. Even so, I hope you keep coming back here to get some ESH or just to update us on how you're doing.

Tuffgirl

I think no contact would help if you feel its what you need right now. If your life continues to be unmanageable with him in it - even at a distance - than go no contact. If you think you can detach but still communicate, then keep that line of communication open.

My experience so far has been that it tends to be very hard to maintain constant contact because I get my hopes up and then something happens that shows me there is still very little change and I go back to the dark place in my head and its hard for ME to yank myself out of it. I hate that I still let him ruin my days sometimes.

And I have to throw my hat in for Suki's post. She really is spot on about the difference between rules and boundaries. Boundaries are what we set for ourselves, the kind of behaviors and situations we will and will not accept from others.

sailorjohn

You might want to just write a letter or email, and leave it at the one letter, no need to repeatedly explain your position.

I'd guess that on some level he'll know why you're doing it if you simply cut off all contact.

sailorjohn

Just wondering if you're offering this advice from the perspective of:

1. A recovering alcoholic with less than 30 days.

2. A recovering co-dependent.

Because that bit about 'goodbye for now' is lousy advice, imo.