Letters to addicted loved ones...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: New England, U.S.
Posts: 169
i am sorry for your pain gardner, and i can relate to the initial anger and scathing thoughts....you have a right to work them through and i hope you can arrive at a place of compassion and pity for the broken mom you are writing to. i am going through a very similar set of feelings with an AH that i have traveled through anger, rage, inner turmoil, hurt and now sadness, pity and great compassion.......i feel good about me after getting through it all, without taking it out on him and i did write letters in my head that i will never show to anyone, but it helped me work through it all. I hope you can be kind to yourself and realize YOU are the lucky one because you can help yourself and make a better life for you...your mom is missing out on so much. it is sad for her!
hugs to you, i can relate.
hugs to you, i can relate.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
The letter you wrote Gardner is pretty close to how I felt last year. To see someone we love so dear, do this to themselves is outrageous, frustrating and soul destroying. It is so hard to distance ourself from someone hurting themselves and all we want to do is see them well and ok.
My sister lived similar to your mom and it just about killed me to see this. Today she is dead (she died last November) and my mind still goes over the what ifs and whats nots.
Somehow though, you might want to tell yourself this - your mum loves you so much, she really does, shes not trying to hurt you or you child, she is an addict living in her own hell and there is no reality right now for her. Her addiction has taken over her life completely by the sounds of it and without help things may get worse for her.
I understand your letter though, we do become frustrated and mad because we feel they arent listening. She knows though what you feel and her guilt probably is feeding her addiction. Hard stuff.
Keep writing your letters as it will help you somewhat get some kind of relief I think. Our feelings are there and true for us, and its ok to get mad but somewhere we have to consider that there is not a whole lot we can do, so be kind to yourself ok.
JJ
My sister lived similar to your mom and it just about killed me to see this. Today she is dead (she died last November) and my mind still goes over the what ifs and whats nots.
Somehow though, you might want to tell yourself this - your mum loves you so much, she really does, shes not trying to hurt you or you child, she is an addict living in her own hell and there is no reality right now for her. Her addiction has taken over her life completely by the sounds of it and without help things may get worse for her.
I understand your letter though, we do become frustrated and mad because we feel they arent listening. She knows though what you feel and her guilt probably is feeding her addiction. Hard stuff.
Keep writing your letters as it will help you somewhat get some kind of relief I think. Our feelings are there and true for us, and its ok to get mad but somewhere we have to consider that there is not a whole lot we can do, so be kind to yourself ok.
JJ
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Gardner-
Wow thanks for sharing so honestly in this thread. Thanks to all who shared their letters/feelings. This is tough stuff.
I can really relate to so much of what you said that it brought tears to my eyes. My A bros were both drunk the first time they met my 1st son....it was so upsetting to me, and it was many years and more encounters like that before I just decided to keep my boys away from them, that they were never going to be the awesome, together uncles (oh! the "potential" they had! having been awesome, together brothers when we were kids) It was heartbreaking for me to ACCEPT them exactly as they are - but it also began the true healing for me and allowed me to find a way to love them and not be tangled up or angry with them or trying to help them.
And it took me at least a decade of AlAnon and therapy and rumination and sadness and acceptance to reconcile that whole "love" thing in relation to my A dad. I was well into my twenties before I truly accepted the fact that love had nothing to do with it. I thought as a child and a teenager, if he loved me (us) he would stop, he wouldn't act like this and drink! I came to learn and accept that it was never a measure of his love - it was only a measure of how deeply addicted he was that he couldn't stop for us.
I know my dad loved me. His drinking, his addiction, while it GREATLY impacted me and destroyed many things in our family, had nothing to do with me or any of us. He was ADDICTED. So far into that bottle that nothing else mattered in the world until that day he had enough and he found the strength to reach out and choose recovery.
The pervading sadness has mostly gone away for me - meaning I don't obsess or wallow in the sadness/anger/disappontment like I used to in my twenties. I choose not to do that. I choose to think other thoughts and do other things.
But the sadness of all that we lose to alcoholism never really goes away - it is a genuine sadness, because it is a real and deeply felt loss. Reading justjo's letter to her sister made me very sad about my A bros but it also reminded me of one of the best lessons I learned in recovery through ALAnon -- I can choose how to relate to my brothers, I can choose to relate to the best parts of them and talk to them about life and love and spirit - I don't have to relate to them as alcoholics seeing them only through that one lens.....by detaching from their drinking, by letting their addiction live firmly on their side of the street, yet still having realistic expectations (because the reality is they are alcoholics!) I can maintain a loving relationship without being a spetcator or participant in their A insanity....I don't know - does that make any sense??!!
Glad you are here and keep working at these feelings surrounding your mom - she will never be what she "could have" been, but you are free to be at peace and serene in life and be all that you can be!
gentle (((((hugs)))))
peace-
B
Wow thanks for sharing so honestly in this thread. Thanks to all who shared their letters/feelings. This is tough stuff.
I can really relate to so much of what you said that it brought tears to my eyes. My A bros were both drunk the first time they met my 1st son....it was so upsetting to me, and it was many years and more encounters like that before I just decided to keep my boys away from them, that they were never going to be the awesome, together uncles (oh! the "potential" they had! having been awesome, together brothers when we were kids) It was heartbreaking for me to ACCEPT them exactly as they are - but it also began the true healing for me and allowed me to find a way to love them and not be tangled up or angry with them or trying to help them.
And it took me at least a decade of AlAnon and therapy and rumination and sadness and acceptance to reconcile that whole "love" thing in relation to my A dad. I was well into my twenties before I truly accepted the fact that love had nothing to do with it. I thought as a child and a teenager, if he loved me (us) he would stop, he wouldn't act like this and drink! I came to learn and accept that it was never a measure of his love - it was only a measure of how deeply addicted he was that he couldn't stop for us.
I know my dad loved me. His drinking, his addiction, while it GREATLY impacted me and destroyed many things in our family, had nothing to do with me or any of us. He was ADDICTED. So far into that bottle that nothing else mattered in the world until that day he had enough and he found the strength to reach out and choose recovery.
The pervading sadness has mostly gone away for me - meaning I don't obsess or wallow in the sadness/anger/disappontment like I used to in my twenties. I choose not to do that. I choose to think other thoughts and do other things.
But the sadness of all that we lose to alcoholism never really goes away - it is a genuine sadness, because it is a real and deeply felt loss. Reading justjo's letter to her sister made me very sad about my A bros but it also reminded me of one of the best lessons I learned in recovery through ALAnon -- I can choose how to relate to my brothers, I can choose to relate to the best parts of them and talk to them about life and love and spirit - I don't have to relate to them as alcoholics seeing them only through that one lens.....by detaching from their drinking, by letting their addiction live firmly on their side of the street, yet still having realistic expectations (because the reality is they are alcoholics!) I can maintain a loving relationship without being a spetcator or participant in their A insanity....I don't know - does that make any sense??!!
Glad you are here and keep working at these feelings surrounding your mom - she will never be what she "could have" been, but you are free to be at peace and serene in life and be all that you can be!
gentle (((((hugs)))))
peace-
B
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Letter written today to aexh and not sent. I find this a fine way to get in touch with how I feel and blow of some steam in a nondestructive manner. It's in a rather different vein than other posters, but perhaps y'all will get where I'm coming from.
Background: Aexh, now going to relationship counseling with his girlfriend, is recently showing encouraging signs of taking some small responsibility for his actions.
Dear [aexh's name],
Great Jumping [prominent western religious figure]! You responded promptly to an email! You sounded pleased that I wanted to go to [organized sport] practice with [dear daughter]... gawdawmighty, an expression of positive emotion! You... asked me how I felt about something!
Who the [expletive deleted] are you, and what did you do with [aexh's name]?!!!
Sincerely,
[BuffaloGal's given name]
Background: Aexh, now going to relationship counseling with his girlfriend, is recently showing encouraging signs of taking some small responsibility for his actions.
Dear [aexh's name],
Great Jumping [prominent western religious figure]! You responded promptly to an email! You sounded pleased that I wanted to go to [organized sport] practice with [dear daughter]... gawdawmighty, an expression of positive emotion! You... asked me how I felt about something!
Who the [expletive deleted] are you, and what did you do with [aexh's name]?!!!
Sincerely,
[BuffaloGal's given name]
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by BuffaloGal 
Dear [aexh's name],
Great Jumping [prominent western religious figure]! You responded promptly to an email! You sounded pleased that I wanted to go to [organized sport] practice with [dear daughter]... gawdawmighty, an expression of positive emotion! You... asked me how I felt about something!
Who the [expletive deleted] are you, and what did you do with [aexh's name]?!!!
Sincerely,
[BuffaloGal's given name]
Great Jumping [prominent western religious figure]! You responded promptly to an email! You sounded pleased that I wanted to go to [organized sport] practice with [dear daughter]... gawdawmighty, an expression of positive emotion! You... asked me how I felt about something!
Who the [expletive deleted] are you, and what did you do with [aexh's name]?!!!
Sincerely,
[BuffaloGal's given name]
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