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Old 08-20-2010, 11:14 AM
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Wow

I found this link in a post from the past and my jaw dropped.

Physical & Emotional Abuse Discussions at DailyStrength: Worth Reading and re-posting...


I had never realized that all the things that XABF was doing were emotional abuse. This has him narrowed down almost to a tee. I thought because he didn't call me names often or do anything very direct that he wasn't absuive. But he implied all of the subtlest attacks. Very empowering finally realizing that it wasn't my fault, and that I wasn't crazy. It's also very frightening to see that I was capable of being with someone like that, believing that I loved him, and that he loved me. I'm sure this won't be shocking to anyone else but I am completely blown away.
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Old 08-20-2010, 11:58 AM
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Thanks for posting...I've read this and recognized many (emotional abuse) red flags from my childhood...I never realized this until recently....so I know how you feel.
I think the important thing is that you realize how you were treated was wrong, and you know to recognize those red flags now.
Sending you hugs...
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Old 08-20-2010, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by missb89 View Post
I found this link in a post from the past and my jaw dropped.

Physical & Emotional Abuse Discussions at DailyStrength: Worth Reading and re-posting...


I had never realized that all the things that XABF was doing were emotional abuse. This has him narrowed down almost to a tee. I thought because he didn't call me names often or do anything very direct that he wasn't absuive. But he implied all of the subtlest attacks. Very empowering finally realizing that it wasn't my fault, and that I wasn't crazy. It's also very frightening to see that I was capable of being with someone like that, believing that I loved him, and that he loved me. I'm sure this won't be shocking to anyone else but I am completely blown away.

I have this bookmark and it pays to go back and reread some of this stuff.

Here's what jumped out at me about my exABF. I just emailed a good friend some of this and when I sit back and read the red flags I found, I know now why he's my ex.

It is common for men who are "called" on their abusive behavior to blame the woman, and claim SHE was the abuser. He may even point to his abusive childhood as proof that he is just an innocent victim. The truth of the matter is that abusers generally DO have a history of abuse stemming from their childhood, with emotionally abusive and/or physically abusive parents. However, it is important to note that though women can become abusers, MOST OFTEN (because of the way we are socialized and the power setups in society), if there has been no *successful* theraputic intervention, MEN from abusive families become "ABUSERS", and WOMEN who grew up in abusive families become "Abuse VICTIMS".

My ex always accused me of verbally abusing him when we argued. His father and mother were emotional abusers with alcoholism thrown in for good measure.

More disturbingly, some abusers can and DO go into therapy as a ploy - to make it LOOK like they are actually working on their own behavior, and accepting responsibility for their actions, when, in fact, the real motive is to arm themselves with distortions of the therapist's words and tools, in an effort to heighten and increase the psychological warfare. The bottom line, is that you can't trust an abuser, the same way you can't trust the married man who is having an affair and keeps promising to leave his wife.

The ex and I went for couples counseling at his suggestion. The last two sessions all revolved around me and when it was shifted back to him, he lobbed the ball right back in my court.When we argued or when he didn't get his own way, or when he drank, he threw them all back in my face.

The more subtle forms of emotional abuse can be the hardest to escape from, because the gaps between the loving, caring behavior and the emotional cruelty can span several weeks or months. However, someone who is nice and caring, and helpful for 2 or 3 months at a time, but then deliberately does or says something very emotionally devastating and cruel to a partner is no better than someone who does the same nice things but then PUNCHES his partner once every few months.

This sounds way to familiar to me and his latest diatribe toward me was the final straw for me.

The pain, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the heartache are the same. The bruises and the welts are on the inside instead of the outside, and they take far longer to heal. While someone may be emotionally blindsided by major episodes of emotional cruelty, and may even recognize it as abuse, abused partners often "overlook" the subtle everyday criticisms, "chain yanking", and emotional blackmail that are woven into the fabric of their relationship, accepting (or denying) it as just part of a "relationship". Unfortunately, it's part of a very UNHEALTHY relationship.

I was in denial about this – blaming it on medication (he has been back on the benzo-go-round for the past 3-4 months), tiredness (working ridiculous hours), etc. That is, until last week…….

Emotional abusers expect more from their partners than they are willing to put into a relationship. The problem is, no matter how much the partner gives, it will never be enough, and the abuser will expect more - because the relationship isn't about love for the abuser, it's about control.

Those were my final words to him.

The more independent a partner becomes, the more abusive the abuser will be, because he sees he is losing control of his partner.


Al-anon and the friends I have there, the fact I have a sponsor, I volunteer at a local charity were all sore points with him as he had no friends to speak of, is estranged from his family and refuses to go to AA ("a cult) or any other form of help for his drinking and other issues.

Emotional abusers expect to be forgiven for their "mistakes" (otherwise known as abuse) ....when he lashes out at me, he will call back and apologise, expecting me to treat it as water under the bridge.

but are unable to forgive their partners for legitimate mistakes - and will continue to "punish" their partners for those mistakes, long after apologies and restitution have been made. ......and will throw things like this back at me in the heat of an argument.

Emotional abusers expect their partners to change for them. Unfortunately, the changes the partner makes will never be enough - the abuser will always want more. ...another thing I pointed out to the EX - I was always supposed to "work on my issues" while his back slid.

The abuser says it's not completely his fault, or she pushes his buttons, or that something she did triggered him to do or say something hurtful or damaging to her. I lost track of the excuses he would have for lashing out at me. But, until last week, I would overlook them.

Emotional abuse can take the form of him insisting that she isn't spending enough time with him, forcing her to "prove her love" by booking extra time and adjusting her life and her schedule around him, so that he can then reject any suggestions she has for activities, and act disinterested when they do have time together.

We didn't live together and since neither of us have vehicles, depend on public transit. It's pretty reliable, my place is on 2 major routes, but his latest ploy was saying he didn't like this option (he lost his license for 2 DUI'S' was getting it back next month after he paid off his fines) and because of that, his tiredness from work, the SE's from the benzos, the excuses for not spending time together were adding up. So, it was up to me to dump my meetings, volunteer work and responsibility to my dog for him. Oh, and he was hypercritical of my dog - everything from being to rambunctious to shedding too much.

the final straw for his loss of control over me was the fact that at my advanced age, I am returning to university next month-on the road to getting an accounting degree. That freaked him out to no ends and the closer it gets to me starting, the more this abuse escalated. I knew deep in my heart that this was going to happen and it did and as hard as it was to say goodbye, I did. All lines of communication have been blocked because if i do give in, I know what awaits me. After rereading this, I know I have made the right decision for me, for my sanity, for my serenity.

Thank you so much for posting this again....
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Old 08-20-2010, 01:28 PM
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Thank you so much for posting this. I've really felt for years (10+) that my husband was mean and I have been told by some therapists that he is abusive but he didn't call me names or scream and maybe I'm too sensitive...?

This last few months I've really been waking up to the truth but I still wonder if I'm overreacting, especially now that he's being "nice" (or at least not mean). I'm saving this and will refer to it when I'm feeling weak.
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Old 08-20-2010, 01:33 PM
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wow says wow
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Old 08-20-2010, 01:38 PM
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yeah, I remember being absolutely stunned. It gave me chills.
It was like they had been videoing us!
You mean it isn't just me? This happens to other people?
Other people do this?
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Old 08-21-2010, 03:15 AM
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Thanks for posting this. I too remember reading this before and realising that hey, this is what happened to me! XAH was an emotional abuser and I had NO idea until well after we had seperated. I thought I had come out of my denial over his alcoholism and saw the 'truth' but was stunned realising that my marriage was abusive.

You've just given me another Ah-ha moment. I never once thought to look at this from the perspective of my childhood (I can be very slow sometimes). I knew that my dad was emotionally abusive to my mum. It was the definition of their marriage and eventual divorce. But I think I now realise that the emotional abuse spilled out from them both on to their kids. We were caught in the middle. I really need to think this through - bear with me while I ramble on a bit...

I knew my childhood wasn't perfect. But somehow defining some of the childhood incidents as emotional abuse has put a different spin on it for me... Is this because I become a victim? That it wasn't my fault? That these things happened to me rather than because of me? From the people who loved me? Who looked after me? I...I don't know if I can take this in. I need to go think...and feel. I'm actually feeling pretty upset as I'm typing this.
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