3 days drinking again=felony
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I dont feel like a victim of DV. Is that dumb or what! I do tend to minimize- and I am not minimizing what he did to me at this point- I am physically OK- my throat is sore where he squeezed my neck hard, but no other marks- I am nuts- I know maybe i should feel like a DV victim, so why dont I?
What do you assume a victim of DV feels like? Maybe they feel exactly the way you do.
I like CatsPJ's and other's suggestions to try some DV counseling. Being in a room with people face to face who are going through what you are can help. I know that's part of what was helpful to me in AlAnon - both as an example of recovery and as living examples of the denial and suffering I realized I needed to break out of....
I also know from growing up in an A home that my feelings were numbed, I had pushed so much stuff so far down that it took a while to be able to sit still and answer the questions: Who am I, what do I want, how am I feeling about this or that? Living within the alcoholic insanity left me so disconnected from reality and my self.
Take good care of yourself, and remember time is on your side and you are free to choose what is the next best step for YOU!
peace-
b
What do you assume a victim of DV feels like? Maybe they feel exactly the way you do.
I like CatsPJ's and other's suggestions to try some DV counseling. Being in a room with people face to face who are going through what you are can help. I know that's part of what was helpful to me in AlAnon - both as an example of recovery and as living examples of the denial and suffering I realized I needed to break out of....
I also know from growing up in an A home that my feelings were numbed, I had pushed so much stuff so far down that it took a while to be able to sit still and answer the questions: Who am I, what do I want, how am I feeling about this or that? Living within the alcoholic insanity left me so disconnected from reality and my self.
Take good care of yourself, and remember time is on your side and you are free to choose what is the next best step for YOU!
peace-
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
Suzie- thanks for your honesty (the rest of u as well)- I am so sick, I dont even understand how I got here. I need more help than he does. I was just told by his sponsor that they are putting him on a pretrial (whatever that means) and that he has to pay to get out of jail (probably) until the crt date. The judge wants to hear from me. I dont want to go- I guess I just dont want to deal with it. Im not scared of him, I cant say I am- not physically. I am more scared of me. I cant even make a good decision no decision seems right to me. Thanks to you all.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Ellima, if this was happening to your daughter, what would you say to her? Would you encourage her to stay in an abusive relationship with her children, or would you encourage her to get help and do the best thing for herself and her kids?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry this has happened to you.
Everything aside, what if he is ever violent towards your children?? Is that a risk you are willing to take? That would be my deciding factor if you cannot do it based on his violence to you. You can decide what is right for you. They only have you to depend on to make those decisions for them. Keep them safe, mentally and physically.
Good Luck doing the right thing and God Bless!
Everything aside, what if he is ever violent towards your children?? Is that a risk you are willing to take? That would be my deciding factor if you cannot do it based on his violence to you. You can decide what is right for you. They only have you to depend on to make those decisions for them. Keep them safe, mentally and physically.
Good Luck doing the right thing and God Bless!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Ellima,
You need an advocate in your corner. Someone who has your best interests in mind. Your AH has his sponsor. Who do you have?
Can you call the local DV shelter? Tell them your story. They will help you figure out your options.
Do you have phone numbers from your Alanon meetings? If so, call one of the seasoned members. Tell them your story. It will remain anonymous. They may be able to help you make healthy choices for you.
You can also post your questions here. As you see, there are survivors here rooting for you. You have friends here that are willing to share their experience strength and hope.
Keep reaching out Ellima. You are doing good!
You need an advocate in your corner. Someone who has your best interests in mind. Your AH has his sponsor. Who do you have?
Can you call the local DV shelter? Tell them your story. They will help you figure out your options.
Do you have phone numbers from your Alanon meetings? If so, call one of the seasoned members. Tell them your story. It will remain anonymous. They may be able to help you make healthy choices for you.
You can also post your questions here. As you see, there are survivors here rooting for you. You have friends here that are willing to share their experience strength and hope.
Keep reaching out Ellima. You are doing good!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Ellima,
Our prosecutor's office has a victim advocate SPECIFICALLY for DV. If yours doesn't, the local shelter probably does. They will go to court with you so you are with someone who understands. They can also explain what the various court proceedings are for, what they mean, what you have to do.
You do not have to ask the judge to send him to prison or jail (at this point, anyway). Most likely, in my experience, if he has no criminal record, he will get probation with conditions (no contact with you unless you want it, batterer's counseling, alcohol treatment, etc.). If he doesn't comply with the conditions then he CAN wind up in jail or prison (depending on his record and the charges), but that is on him. All of this is, really, on him.
It isn't you "doing" anything to him. He committed a CRIME. It is the State that is punishing him, not you. But your job is to tell the truth, so the system can do its job to protect you and others by showing not only your husband, but other violent men, that just because you happen to be married to someone you do not have the right to hurt her, to terrify her. Let the legal stuff play out. You don't have to do a thing but tell the truth and let him experience the consequences of his actions.
I've seen a lot of cases that start out like yours, that end in tragedy. The stronger you are now, the stronger you will stay.
You can decide what to do about the marriage later. For now, don't let him do this to you.
Our prosecutor's office has a victim advocate SPECIFICALLY for DV. If yours doesn't, the local shelter probably does. They will go to court with you so you are with someone who understands. They can also explain what the various court proceedings are for, what they mean, what you have to do.
You do not have to ask the judge to send him to prison or jail (at this point, anyway). Most likely, in my experience, if he has no criminal record, he will get probation with conditions (no contact with you unless you want it, batterer's counseling, alcohol treatment, etc.). If he doesn't comply with the conditions then he CAN wind up in jail or prison (depending on his record and the charges), but that is on him. All of this is, really, on him.
It isn't you "doing" anything to him. He committed a CRIME. It is the State that is punishing him, not you. But your job is to tell the truth, so the system can do its job to protect you and others by showing not only your husband, but other violent men, that just because you happen to be married to someone you do not have the right to hurt her, to terrify her. Let the legal stuff play out. You don't have to do a thing but tell the truth and let him experience the consequences of his actions.
I've seen a lot of cases that start out like yours, that end in tragedy. The stronger you are now, the stronger you will stay.
You can decide what to do about the marriage later. For now, don't let him do this to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by ellima01 
I am so sick, I dont even understand how I got here. I need more help than he does. I was just told by his sponsor that they are putting him on a pretrial (whatever that means) and that he has to pay to get out of jail (probably) until the crt date. The judge wants to hear from me. I dont want to go- I guess I just dont want to deal with it. Im not scared of him, I cant say I am- not physically. I am more scared of me. I cant even make a good decision no decision seems right to me. Thanks to you all.
Whether you perceive yourself as a victim of domestic violence or not, the fact is he was physically violent with you and domestic violence counselors are there for you. I sincerely hope you will reach out to those who know what to do in this situation, and who understand what you are going through. I can understand the feeling of not wanting to deal with it, but you don't have to do it alone.
L
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