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Ideas to tell people when they ask about my ex-AB babys father

Old 08-14-2010, 08:35 AM
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Ideas to tell people when they ask about my ex-AB babys father

Sometimes I get questions from family, friends, strangers, etc. about the where abouts of my babys dad. I don't want to say anything negative about him or let anyone know about his disease of alcolhism. I worry enough what i will tell my son once he is old enough to start asking questions. The other day I was e-mailing with an old firend and he asked about my sons father. I was honest and told him. I have not heard back from him. To me that is a sign of a huge mistake I made. I knew I should not have told him the truth. I don't want him gossiping and now I neeed to figureout what to say in the future to well nosy or interested people.
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Old 08-14-2010, 09:17 AM
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"I don't care to discuss that subject."
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Old 08-14-2010, 09:18 AM
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First, examine your feelings about what you think you are obligated to tell people. IMO you are not obligated to discuss your personal business with ANYONE and the people who ask you such personal questions need to mind their own business. So, how about "I do not want to discuss that." when someone asks you a question you dont want to answer.
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Old 08-14-2010, 09:20 AM
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thanks.
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Old 08-14-2010, 09:31 AM
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I know how hard it is! Even though I felt many times, I wish I hadn't said anything to others, I had to tell myself, (as I have learned here), "what others think about me or my AH is none of my business!" Figure out what works for you (how much to tell or what to tell or to not say anything at all.)

As a codie myself, I always feel badly by not giving a "nice" answer, but I admire people when you ask them something they don't want to answer and they tell you upfront, "I don't discuss that!" It feels "rude" but I am working on saying what works for me. I try to say, "My husband and I are separated." Most people don't ask further. When they do, I am trying to say, "I rather not discuss it." It is soooo hard, but the times I have, it actually felt good!

I am trying to find the most neutral, honest and comfortable (yet non-revealing) way to respond to questions people ask (that I don't really want to answer).

Good luck!
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Old 08-14-2010, 09:53 AM
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YG, that is an intersting comment and I reallly like it. It is none of my bussiness what people think of me or my life. Lately, or atleast since getting truly sober and having a son. A lot of issues surfaced I never really dealt with before. I was feeling very raw and emotional. This piece of advice I think will really be the icing on the cake for me. Moving forward is a very exciting experience for me because I have lived in such painful places in my mind. I think thinking in this fresh new way can maybe completely set me FREE!!!!
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Old 08-14-2010, 09:58 AM
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A simple "We are no longer together" should suffice. If they ask for details, "It's not something I wish to discuss" it good enough. You don't owe anyone any explanations. Save them for your son when he is old enough to understand.
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Old 08-14-2010, 10:18 AM
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I was always that way too Yorkie. I always felt like it was my job to make everyone else comfortable, even when doing so made ME uncomfortable and even when doing so HURT me. But guess what? I owe nothing to ANYone, even my family. My business is MY business and I guard my boundaries (now that I've learned how to establish them) like a doberman!
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Old 08-14-2010, 11:33 AM
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I can't imagine asking anyone I wasn't REALLY close to what happened to their marriage or relationship.

You might sometimes be reading more into the question, though, than they are really asking. It might be they are just wondering whether your son spends time with his dad--that's sometimes helpful for people to know, if only to avoid making any awkward assumptions. A simple, "We aren't in contact with him" should be enough information. Any further questions really are prying, albeit not necessarily with bad intentions. At that point, "I really don't care to discuss it" should end the subject.
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Old 08-14-2010, 12:54 PM
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Just say he has made some unfortunate choices and you aren't together at this time.
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