Small victory
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Small victory
Hi all-
I posted maybe a week ago, for the first time. I have a grown son, who has been taking advantage of me. I am an acoa, and an enabler (recovering). He is probably an alcoholic, tho has no money to drink right now.
He is living with me, to get on his feet. But , he wont get off his A--! Would say he was looking, no jobs, no car, too hot, so many reasons . Was getting me to buy him a beer or two on weekends, to drink while visiting cyber friends. I also was supplying his tobacco. I have been afraid to say no, deep down, to him since forever. He has been a nagging, oppressive kid, and would not give up, until he got his way.we.., he has turned into someone who has not been on his own, ever, but lived with various friends, and then me, in the recent years, and he is 38. He is very smart, but not taking care of his self at all. I have been trying to encourage him, helping him get medical care which he needs, and got him evaluated by psychiatrists (two of them, separate times) one said bipolar 2, the other, who was recommended by a good source, felt he was seeking drugs, basically, for he is convinced that he needs somehting for his anxiety, but he has researched it and knows "just what he should have" for his particular problem. until recently, I felt he was just a lazy alcoholic user. then I worried that he has mental problems. now, I think he is an addictive personality, and would medicate whatever mental misadjustments he has going on.
I was so frustrated, I looked online and found this site. so glad that i did. am learning just how much i have been stunting his growth. enabling him, keeping him from his necessary bottom.
Itook good advice, and determined not to do more for him than he is doing for his self. refused to buy his smokes, or any more beer. warned him of tormenting me, about my decision. not to harass me. or he will go. if he wants to be in jail, or on the streets, that is his choice. I would help him with a bed as long as he is helping his self. he was angry, argued , and hit his car with his fist. I stood my ground. told him to take the bike and find butts to smoke , if he needs to.
today at work, he called me to ask me to take him to nearby restaurant, to apply for cook. took him, and he applied. he has been muttering about stuff, but I have stood my ground, and for today, it is working.
long way to go, tho. and I know it. I feel like i am giving him his dignity back,, a little of it. an not arguing, and not taking the bait, when he say s something nasty. it feels good, not to try to keep him comfortable.
I just pray that he will someday be able to take care of his self, and that he gets help for his addictive nature.
I keep thinking of that saying which goes something like this, I think.
"Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish, and you set him free" or something to that effect.
Say a prayer, please, that my son learns to fish.
thanks to all- you have been so caring and helpful.
I posted maybe a week ago, for the first time. I have a grown son, who has been taking advantage of me. I am an acoa, and an enabler (recovering). He is probably an alcoholic, tho has no money to drink right now.
He is living with me, to get on his feet. But , he wont get off his A--! Would say he was looking, no jobs, no car, too hot, so many reasons . Was getting me to buy him a beer or two on weekends, to drink while visiting cyber friends. I also was supplying his tobacco. I have been afraid to say no, deep down, to him since forever. He has been a nagging, oppressive kid, and would not give up, until he got his way.we.., he has turned into someone who has not been on his own, ever, but lived with various friends, and then me, in the recent years, and he is 38. He is very smart, but not taking care of his self at all. I have been trying to encourage him, helping him get medical care which he needs, and got him evaluated by psychiatrists (two of them, separate times) one said bipolar 2, the other, who was recommended by a good source, felt he was seeking drugs, basically, for he is convinced that he needs somehting for his anxiety, but he has researched it and knows "just what he should have" for his particular problem. until recently, I felt he was just a lazy alcoholic user. then I worried that he has mental problems. now, I think he is an addictive personality, and would medicate whatever mental misadjustments he has going on.
I was so frustrated, I looked online and found this site. so glad that i did. am learning just how much i have been stunting his growth. enabling him, keeping him from his necessary bottom.
Itook good advice, and determined not to do more for him than he is doing for his self. refused to buy his smokes, or any more beer. warned him of tormenting me, about my decision. not to harass me. or he will go. if he wants to be in jail, or on the streets, that is his choice. I would help him with a bed as long as he is helping his self. he was angry, argued , and hit his car with his fist. I stood my ground. told him to take the bike and find butts to smoke , if he needs to.
today at work, he called me to ask me to take him to nearby restaurant, to apply for cook. took him, and he applied. he has been muttering about stuff, but I have stood my ground, and for today, it is working.
long way to go, tho. and I know it. I feel like i am giving him his dignity back,, a little of it. an not arguing, and not taking the bait, when he say s something nasty. it feels good, not to try to keep him comfortable.
I just pray that he will someday be able to take care of his self, and that he gets help for his addictive nature.
I keep thinking of that saying which goes something like this, I think.
"Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish, and you set him free" or something to that effect.
Say a prayer, please, that my son learns to fish.
thanks to all- you have been so caring and helpful.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Wow!
There is another saying to the affect that an alcoholic is like a sinking ship. You either let go and swim to shore, or get sucked down.
You have chosen to swim to shore!!!! I will say a prayer for your son, that he starts swimming too. You just keep on truck'n because the beach is a fine place to be.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Good for you, Chicory! I remember when I first started setting boundaries...the A in my life wasn't a happy camper. He pushed a bit harder and louder and longer and got meaner. I distinctly remember a particular moment when I was holding fast to a boundary and he got right in my face and yelled at me. Then he stopped and said , "You aren't doing this right. I say THIS and you always say THAT. Then I say THIS and you say THAT. Then I do this and you do that and it's done! Why aren't you doing your part?" Gads our interactions were that predictable. I had changed the steps to our dance and he didn't know how to handle it!
My point is, don't be surprised if your A pushes a bit harder as you begin to set your own boundaries. I had a habit of giving in, so mine expected me to give in if he got louder - just like I had done for years. It took some work for me to be able to hold to my new boundaries. I learned to pretend he was saying "quack quack quack" instead of talking to me, and I bet I said the serenity prayer a hundred times a day for awhile.
Hang in there. Boundaries allow us to take care of ourselves. It's good stuff!
My point is, don't be surprised if your A pushes a bit harder as you begin to set your own boundaries. I had a habit of giving in, so mine expected me to give in if he got louder - just like I had done for years. It took some work for me to be able to hold to my new boundaries. I learned to pretend he was saying "quack quack quack" instead of talking to me, and I bet I said the serenity prayer a hundred times a day for awhile.
Hang in there. Boundaries allow us to take care of ourselves. It's good stuff!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
" I learned to pretend he was saying "quack quack quack" instead of talking to me, and I bet I said the serenity prayer a hundred times a day for awhile. "
Oh you made me laugh! Thank you! stress is not good for the tummy,but laughter is!
He is going to be my baby duck from now on.
This may give you a chuckle (tho it is sad). My daughter said that my son reminds her of the baby robins, who after a few weeks are as large as the momma bird,and look as tho they would be able to be self sufficient. But they follow behind her, waiting for her to feed them. All over the yard, they follow behind , squawking loudly.
Oh you made me laugh! Thank you! stress is not good for the tummy,but laughter is!
He is going to be my baby duck from now on.
This may give you a chuckle (tho it is sad). My daughter said that my son reminds her of the baby robins, who after a few weeks are as large as the momma bird,and look as tho they would be able to be self sufficient. But they follow behind her, waiting for her to feed them. All over the yard, they follow behind , squawking loudly.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by chicory 
My daughter said that my son reminds her of the baby robins, who after a few weeks are as large as the momma bird,and look as tho they would be able to be self sufficient. But they follow behind her, waiting for her to feed them. All over the yard, they follow behind , squawking loudly.
Oh my, how appropriate that is, eh? Tell your daughter thank you for the visual. I shall never forget that one.
I'm so proud of you I'd bust the buttons on my shirt if I owned one with buttons!
:ghug3
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