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07-08-2010, 04:09 PM

# 21 (permalink)

HealingWillCome

Member

Join Date: May 2010

Posts: 1,057

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mataleao

Hahaaa....This is what I'm struggling with right now. I thought I was doing sooo good by working on myself....not only did I choose another unhealthy relationship...I think this one is THE MOST unhealthy so far.
I need therapy!

I did okay for a long time after my divorce from XAH. Did individual and group counseling for nearly a year, had some long-term relationships with good, loving, healthy men. I broke up with every one of them. Then XABF comes along, and BAM...I was back in the same unhealthy place, trying to believe in something that was never going to work.

Because of my recent counseling, what I finally GET this time is that I'm trying to heal old, deep abandonment wounds left by AF who left when I was 7. I'm looking for someone just like him to do what he didn't; I needed (I thought, anyway) someone just like him to love me and not leave me.

Funny thing is, I'm the one who left XABF, but it still feels like abandonment all over again, because he couldn't commit. The addictions were first in his life.

07-08-2010, 04:09 PM

# 22 (permalink)

MusicIslove82

Member

Join Date: Jul 2010

Posts: 29

Anvil,

GREAT FIND. I do see some of myself in the whole "codependent" behavior.

It is so easy to lose yourself in a relationship with an alcoholic.(Or any unhealthy relationship)

I want to be more like "You know what? You don't treat me like you should,so go to H..(you know the rest lol) I don't hate him,I love him. I do want what's best for him. But until he knows what HE is doing,maybe I'm better off without him in my life at all.

I'm slowly trying to work on myself.

07-08-2010, 04:20 PM

# 23 (permalink)

HealingWillCome

Member

Join Date: May 2010

Posts: 1,057

Quote:

Originally Posted by anvilhead

i just stumbled across the most excellent article on codependent behavior...and IMHO it is really appropro to THIS particular discussion! possbily one of the best articles i've read on the subject!

This is excellent -- sticky worthy, without a doubt. Wow. Good stuff!

07-08-2010, 05:17 PM

# 24 (permalink)

mrphillipctrs1

Member

Join Date: Jun 2010

Location: Little Rock, Arkansas

Posts: 161

I would like to know why my picture was not included with the article?

07-09-2010, 04:31 AM

# 25 (permalink)

Helenlee

Member

Join Date: Jan 2009

Location: NSW, Australia

Posts: 197

Me too Mr P ... I suspect on here it would have to be a group shot

07-09-2010, 05:21 AM

# 26 (permalink)

Bucyn

Member

Join Date: Nov 2009

Posts: 223

Quote:

Originally Posted by tikisgirl

I know we still have our original foundation and still both love each other.

How do you know this?

Quote:

Originally Posted by tikisgirl

I just feel so much like I have been replaced by someone and don't know why?

Replaced by someone...or something (the bottle)?

07-09-2010, 05:29 PM

# 27 (permalink)

DesertEyes

Member

Join Date: Jul 2004

Location: Starting over all over again

Posts: 4,426

Here is the link to the article that anvilhead mentioned

Soul Self Help Psychology - A.J. Mahari - Self Help, Codependency - Life Coaching - Codependence, Toxic Relationships, Recovery

Mike

p.s. oh yeah, and I stickied this thread at the bottom of "Classic reading".

09-05-2013, 06:48 PM

# 28 (permalink)

jacrazz

Member

Join Date: Aug 2013

Location: Here and now

Posts: 325

I feel you....

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kittyboo

Hi Tiki...
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Like others have said IT'S NOT YOU. I know that's not how it feels.

I'm going to speak to you from the perspective of the "Replacement" for a moment, because I realized that's what I was to my XA.
We had gotten in touch again not long after he left his ex. He immediately started speaking to me as if he thought I was so amazing....and I in turn thought the same about him.
Now, if I was his ex, I would think..."how could he be with someone SO SOON after he left me?"...

I realized, it's not because I was someone special to him, it's not because I gave him something his ex didn't.... it's because he needed to fill a hole, he needed an ego boost...and he happened to choose me to do it with, and I was a willing participant.

Everything he did was for completely selfish reasons. He did not care about me....the replacement. And that's all I was. For a short time. Until he admitted to me he was an alcoholic and told me he wanted to stop.
The next day he said he could control it.
The next day he was making plans to see his ex.
The next day he told me he still loved her and couldn't live without her.
The next day they were back together.
The next month I saw pics of them wasted at a bar.

It's all about the alcohol. But they are soooooo good at making us feel like it's not.

You have not been replaced by anyone who is more special than you, better than you, offers him more than you....
You have been replaced by what he sees as a piece of stuffing to fill a hole. Nothing more.
If you have been "replaced" Don't envy her. Being a "replacement" was the worst pain I have ever felt.

Hoping you feel good about the place you are in really soon.

Thank you for your share...This made me sad for you and how ironic, i almost feel sorry for my xabf's new rebound, his ex who's life he ripped apart years ago. And now she has let him back in for round 2...