tikisgirl

I know I keep dwelling on my AH being with someone else. We have been living apart for almost a year. He originally left and was with a woman from work for about 3 months or so, didn't workout. We went for quite a few months on his roller coaster of him sorta back with me with no commitment and all the while he was still exploring dating sites. After a couple months of us making really good progress he decided the relationship was getting too good and didn't want that commitment. Then pops up with someone new. We have been together for 23 years and I know we still have our original foundation and still both love each other. I just feel so much like I have been replaced by someone and don't know why? I know it is so stupid that I keep searching for an answer, but does anyone have one?

HealingWillCome

Well said.

I also think for some, the conquest of the other woman provides another high, just like the one that comes from the drug.

Kittyboo

Hi Tiki...
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Like others have said IT'S NOT YOU. I know that's not how it feels.

I'm going to speak to you from the perspective of the "Replacement" for a moment, because I realized that's what I was to my XA.
We had gotten in touch again not long after he left his ex. He immediately started speaking to me as if he thought I was so amazing....and I in turn thought the same about him.
Now, if I was his ex, I would think..."how could he be with someone SO SOON after he left me?"...

I realized, it's not because I was someone special to him, it's not because I gave him something his ex didn't.... it's because he needed to fill a hole, he needed an ego boost...and he happened to choose me to do it with, and I was a willing participant.

Everything he did was for completely selfish reasons. He did not care about me....the replacement. And that's all I was. For a short time. Until he admitted to me he was an alcoholic and told me he wanted to stop.
The next day he said he could control it.
The next day he was making plans to see his ex.
The next day he told me he still loved her and couldn't live without her.
The next day they were back together.
The next month I saw pics of them wasted at a bar.

It's all about the alcohol. But they are soooooo good at making us feel like it's not.

You have not been replaced by anyone who is more special than you, better than you, offers him more than you....
You have been replaced by what he sees as a piece of stuffing to fill a hole. Nothing more.
If you have been "replaced" Don't envy her. Being a "replacement" was the worst pain I have ever felt.

Hoping you feel good about the place you are in really soon.

tikisgirl

Healingwillcome; I can't thank you enough for your heartfelt words.
I am so so sorry for YOUR pain. I want to reach right through
this iPhone and squeeze you and never let you
go. Your words have brought such comfort to me,shamefully though at your
expense. I hope you are in a better place now.
My heart goes out to you!!

tikisgirl

That last post was meant for kittyboo.

DesertEyes

Hello tikisgirl, and pleased to "meet" you

Mine developed an addiction to pain pills and other women's husbands. She was seing three of 'em when I finally left. We were married 20 years at the time. Last I heard she was in a long term relationship with a guy that is just like I was, buying all her BS and thinking himself a martyr.

My answer is that she did not replace me with someone else. My answer is that _I_ replaced the real woman with a fantasy of my own making. Instead of seeing her as just a normal human being with normal failings I replaced her with what _I_ hoped and dreamed I would someday find.

I'm not sure which addiction is worse, her addiction to pills that take her to a fantasy land, or my addiction to my own version of fantasy land.

When I started looking inside _me_ for the answer as to why I have this unhealthy need to live with a fantasy, instead of dealing with reality like a normal person, I found my own answer. That is when I got off the roller coaster and built me a new, and healthier life.

Mike

tikisgirl

Hi Deserteyes:

Very nice to meet you as well. Thank you
for your words. I do totally relate with the
fantasy land. I don't know how long I will stay
on this path of loving him and wanting him back.
I don't know why the answer is always ending the
relationship. I have been going to alanon so that
I can learn to cope, detach from the alcohol and just loving
the man I love. I hope that eventually we can all
find happiness and peace through this awful disease.
The destroyer of families, of lovers, and all around humanity.
Thank you again Mike. Look forward to hearing from you
again.

sandrawg

It's interesting - the FIRST time me and my xabf broke up, he rushed right into the arms of his ex, who had violated our boundaries left and right by blatantly pursuing my x.

I mean, it was the next day, or w/in 2 days or something. He messed around w/her for about a month or so and then guess what? he decided he wanted to be back w/me. Like a bouncing ball.

I had the same thoughts-if we were so replaceable, neither one of us must mean much to him. Most recently, after baout 3-4 times of breaking up and getting bk together.... Apr 11th was his birthday, the wknd he pushed me to breaking up w/him cuz of a drunken temper tantrum. About a week and a half later, he put up a profile on a dating website.

safetygirl

I really appreciate this thread and all the comments. At least feel lucky that your ex waited until you were broken up to replace you .. mine was on a variety of dating sites the entire 3 years we were together. It is all about his selfish ego. It is a way for him to pretend he is something great to people who have no clue as to who he really is. I was always worried that he would find someone else and they would end up with him having the life I always wanted. He is not capable of being a decent partner no matter who he ends up with.

Learn2Live

We like to THINK that when someone treats us well, it is because we DESERVE to be treated well, or because we are WORTH being treated well. But if we allow ourselves to think this way, then by the same token if someone treats us poorly, we think we DESERVE to be treated poorly, or that we are not WORTHY of being treated well.

The truth is, when someone treats us poorly, it is NOT a reflection of us or our worth AT ALL. Another person's behavior is about THEM. If we want to relate to others in a more healthy way, we do the work that needs to be done in order to get our self-esteem from WITHIN. If we want to stop enabling others, we stop taking responsibility for the other person's behavior. And we stop looking inside ourSELVES to figure out why the other person behaves the way they behave.

Whenever I have been in the type of situation you are in, people have said to me, "Don't take it personally." That did not help me. What helped me was accepting and telling myself, "The world does not revolve around me." Especially not HIS world.

For example: A man I loved, cared about and took care of, left a live-in relationship with me, at the drop of a hat, and started having sex with his best friend's wife, not a week after his best friend had died. Do you think HIS behavior had ANYTHING to do with ME? Another example: One of my old BFs, who I was with for at least two years, married a man after he and I broke up. So many of our so-called "friends" at the time told me that I "TURNED him gay." Do YOU believe that someone can TURN someone else gay? Do you think I had ANYTHING to do with the fact that my XBF is gay?

Tiki, the man you are married to has ALWAYS been who he is; the kind of person who would do what he is doing. YOU have nothing to do with it. Stop blaming yourself, and stop taking responsibility for someone else's bad behavior.

HealingWillCome

Bingo!

TakingCharge999

Thanks all for this thread.

This is a very common error and the one I still make.

Thinking humans mean anything to alkies.

Or jerks.

Or alkie jerks.


Got alcohol?
Got money to buy alcohol?
Up to sex whenever and however I want it?
Got energy to put up with my alcoholism? endless disrespect?
Alkie yourself?
WELCOME! I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH! MARRY ME! "you are the love of my life..."

Anything or anyone else doesn't exist.
It is not about you or me.. its about the ALCOHOL and the victim it has at its knees.

UNTIL the "partner" gets tired of the madness and the lies.

Toxic one gets away, grabs next hostage, keeps doing the Important Stuff He Was Doing (drink). Repeat.



Sad disease.

Reality sucks many times but its still better to live here than in fantasy land where nothing can be done at all... damn... sometimes you can't even BREATHE in there....

sandrawg

Ah, but...he kept talking to her and even saw her once, behind my back, so it's obvious he was keeping her as a backup. I forgot to mention that part.

And yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head with your last sentence!!!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s/scorebad.gif

Mataleao

This place is so awesome! I think a lot of this stuff we already know, deep down...but it's so nice to hear it in so many different ways from so many with experience who have recovered. Not sure why I need this constant reminder that I deserve better....

sandrawg

I'm not sure why any of us do, but I'm sure there are deep psychological reasons. Our childhoods, our life experiences-I went through a traumatic divorce where my husband left me because I was ill-i'm sure that had something to do with why I've ended up with 2 alcoholics (1 in recovery but didn't act like it, and 1 in denial) after my divorce.

No matter what the reason, tho, I keep coming here because it helps reinforce that yes, I do deserve MUCH better!

HealingWillCome

Very true, Sandra...

The thing I'm thankful for through this hellish breakup with XABF is that I have been able to face some deep abandonment wounds that I thought were healed before meeting him. Not the case...at all.

When I went to my first couseling session, the very first thing I said was "I'm here because I never want to feel this kind of pain again." Getting to the core of the old wounds has been difficult and agonizing at times, but necessary because I meant what I said.

I don't ever want to choose an unhealthy partner again. And I want to learn how to stop letting go of the good ones. I'm getting there, but have a lot to learn...lots more healing to do.

Mataleao

Hahaaa....This is what I'm struggling with right now. I thought I was doing sooo good by working on myself....not only did I choose another unhealthy relationship...I think this one is THE MOST unhealthy so far.
I need therapy!

MusicIslove82

I can tell you this much,my father and both of my brothers are(were) alcoholics. So I know that that is much of why I feel maybe the "need" to take care of my "ex".

Tiki-I'm going through something similiar. My "ex" told me he had a "crush" on another woman a few mos ago. Long story short,she is in love with his friend,she is now also my friend..and my "ex" has been living next to her for over a month.

I haven't heard a peep from him in almost over 2 weeks. I have no idea why. I am also feeling replaced. Wondering if he is trying to get to know her better,and doesn't want me around. As much as I shouldn't.I MISS HIM. He became my best friend along the way. He posts on his facebook all the time. I just don't know what's going on. I know he also lost his grandma,and he turned not only to beer,but to HARD LIQOUR. Maybe he just doesn't want me around to see it?

The idea that he used me,just makes me feel so bad inside. So I am sending MANY hugs to you,and to everyone else going through it. I am glad I found this place.

Babyblue

Sorry to read that music. I'm here tending to my own heartache. I started a relationship with someone who was told to NOT start a relationship 6 mos into recovery but he did and now I am a mess. He has become withdrawn and indifferent to me and it was only after I expressed my true feelings towards him. He couldn't handle it and the wall came up. Everyone warned me but did I listen? Nope. He is still damaged. Even if he seems together on the outside, internally there is so much to be done still. I am stepping back and hope he does it and does it well so that maybe we too can have a better chance but I miss him tons.

MusicIslove82

Oh sweetie,I am so sorry too! Mine is also(I'm sure most alcoholics are) damaged as well. We WERE together(He admitted he had things he needed to work on),broke up,were friends(but still lovers and might as well been dating) I told him I was still very much in love with him. And he basically said he wasn't sure that when he said he loved me,if he really meant it. HEARTBREAKING. He also decided that my "illness" bothered him.(I have ovarian cysts and polyps in my colon) He has been acting pretty cold hearted towards me for a while. I treat this man like gold.

I so want to just write him and say "I miss my friend" Sometimes I wonder if I even NEED TO BE AROUND HIM.

I guess time will tell for both of us. I really hope it works out for you.

As for myself,I'm going to do my best to focus on ME for a while.

I am here if you ever need someone to talk to. -hugs-