going to an al anon meeting for the first time tonight.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
going to an al anon meeting for the first time tonight.
I'm nervous. I know it will be helpful, but I'm still anxious. My boyfriend is in the early stages of recovery. Last night he hung out with a friend and "only" had three beers.
Over the weekend we spent time with friends boating, camping, hanging out, having a good time. It seems like these kinds of weekends are triggers for him. I guess it's because he's not used to it, as he's had kind of a rough life with no one who was really there for him. He's going to a meeting this morning and has a standing appointment Fridays with his counselor, who is a great guy.
I'm just so fed up I want to tell him to get the hell out and deal with his own crap. I'm not even angry, just tired. I know I can't control his actions and his drinking has nothing to do with me. I'm emotionally drained and need some support. Unfortunately my therapist doesn't take my insurance anymore so I'm going to try al-anon.
Does anyone have any feedback on meetings? I know they're all different. I figure I'll either go there and pour my heart out or be too shy to say a word.
Over the weekend we spent time with friends boating, camping, hanging out, having a good time. It seems like these kinds of weekends are triggers for him. I guess it's because he's not used to it, as he's had kind of a rough life with no one who was really there for him. He's going to a meeting this morning and has a standing appointment Fridays with his counselor, who is a great guy.
I'm just so fed up I want to tell him to get the hell out and deal with his own crap. I'm not even angry, just tired. I know I can't control his actions and his drinking has nothing to do with me. I'm emotionally drained and need some support. Unfortunately my therapist doesn't take my insurance anymore so I'm going to try al-anon.
Does anyone have any feedback on meetings? I know they're all different. I figure I'll either go there and pour my heart out or be too shy to say a word.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
RB71, bravo! This is a good decision--there is a possibility you'll decide Alanon isn't for you, but many, many people find an invaluable source of information and support there.
Here's a thread from the stickies at the top of the page that you might find helpful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html
You say you'll either pour your heart out or sit in silent shyness--well, either one of those extremes and anything in between is perfectly acceptable! No one will judge you. Most meetings of any size have people with a wide range of personalities and a wide range of experience. The important thing is that all have been (and some are now) in your same shoes. Everyone remembers what it was like to be new and scared and confused.
At the meetings I attended, at the beginning it is always asked if there is anyone new to the meeting; if so, they are welcomed. It is then asked if there is anyone for whom this is their first meeting ever; if so, a few members will be asked to speak briefly about what changes Alanon has helped them make in their lives. Then the meeting goes on as usual. I was free to speak if I wished and to pass if not.
Afterwards, people welcomed me, offered to give me their phone numbers if I wanted, and asked what meeting I planned to go to next. When I said which one, a woman who regularly attended that meeting told me that if I wanted, she would be glad to wait for me at the door to the building so I wouldn't have to walk in or sit down alone.
There is just a huge amount of acceptance, and I think you'll likely walk out w/a sense of a burden being off your shoulders.
If you can, look into purchasing some Alanon reading material, as it will clarify things for you a bit. Some meetings offer materials for sale. Otherwise Amazon carries a lot of titles, many available used to save a few bucks.
Again, so glad you've made this decision, and I hope you really benefit from it! Do post after you've gone and let us know how it went for you, OK?
Here's a thread from the stickies at the top of the page that you might find helpful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html
You say you'll either pour your heart out or sit in silent shyness--well, either one of those extremes and anything in between is perfectly acceptable! No one will judge you. Most meetings of any size have people with a wide range of personalities and a wide range of experience. The important thing is that all have been (and some are now) in your same shoes. Everyone remembers what it was like to be new and scared and confused.
At the meetings I attended, at the beginning it is always asked if there is anyone new to the meeting; if so, they are welcomed. It is then asked if there is anyone for whom this is their first meeting ever; if so, a few members will be asked to speak briefly about what changes Alanon has helped them make in their lives. Then the meeting goes on as usual. I was free to speak if I wished and to pass if not.
Afterwards, people welcomed me, offered to give me their phone numbers if I wanted, and asked what meeting I planned to go to next. When I said which one, a woman who regularly attended that meeting told me that if I wanted, she would be glad to wait for me at the door to the building so I wouldn't have to walk in or sit down alone.
There is just a huge amount of acceptance, and I think you'll likely walk out w/a sense of a burden being off your shoulders.
If you can, look into purchasing some Alanon reading material, as it will clarify things for you a bit. Some meetings offer materials for sale. Otherwise Amazon carries a lot of titles, many available used to save a few bucks.
Again, so glad you've made this decision, and I hope you really benefit from it! Do post after you've gone and let us know how it went for you, OK?
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by readerbaby71 
My boyfriend . . . . [yadda, yadda, yadda]
Unfortunately my therapist doesn't take my insurance anymore so I'm going to try al-anon.
I am betting that one day, you will be thanking God for the insurance company mess.
Oh Why Wait? Carpe Diem. God, Thank You for getting readerbaby to Alanon.
Does anyone have any feedback on meetings? I know they're all different. I figure I'll either go there and pour my heart out or be too shy to say a word.
I would say that sounds about right. You may likely be crying in your first one, but if you try the frozen smile face, usually you will be doing the crying never later than your 5th meeting or so. Can only keep the mask up so long. AND Then, you start getting better. A lot better.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Good for you! I was crying out for something like AlAnon, but I was nervous and anxious about going too. It took me quite a while to get up the courage to go to my first meeting and I am so glad I did. it was daunting at first just because it was something new and I didn't know what to expect. I don't like new situations they make me uncomfortable, although I am getting much better at that now!
My first meeting I arrived late because I couldn't find anywhere to park. It was the last meeting before christmas and the AlAnon group was having a joint meeting with the AA group, but two members had decided to wait at the entrance in case any newcomers turned up and I did! So we went to the room and a few other people turned up even later than me and we started our small meeting. I was given a selection of leaflets to go away and read.
At the start of each meeting a chair person reads out the standard opening and if there are newcomers will read a section specifically for them, welcoming them and explaining a little about AlAnon. If there are newcomers or people not regulars at that particular meeting we then go around the room to introduce ourselves by our first name only and say a little about what brought us to AlAnon. You are free to say nothing, say just your name or just your situation or anything or any combination of those you want, you will be very welcome what ever you say or do not say. Then we go around the room reading the twelve steps and traditions. Again you are free to join in or not as you like.
Normally a member will then talk on a subject for a little while and once they are finished the other members are free to share their experience or thoughts on that subject, or to talk about anything that they want to express if that is different from the subject. My first meeting there was no planned speaker so we just spoke about whatever we liked. I didn't manage much beyond the very basics of why I was there because I didn't want to cry. I feel safe enough there to cry now tho, when I need to.
When all that want to have shared, the chair person closes the meeting and the group usually reads something all together at the end. In my group its the serenity prayer, but I understand some groups use the lords prayer or other short sayings, depending on what the group has agreed upon.
I guarantee you will be welcomed with open arms and that anything you do or don't say will be completely fine with the group. Each group has a different feel, you might like to try out a few different ones before you decide if it is or isn't for you.
Honestly going to that first AlAnon meetings is one of the best decisions I have EVER made. I am a grateful member of AlAnon. Let us know how it goes for you
My first meeting I arrived late because I couldn't find anywhere to park. It was the last meeting before christmas and the AlAnon group was having a joint meeting with the AA group, but two members had decided to wait at the entrance in case any newcomers turned up and I did! So we went to the room and a few other people turned up even later than me and we started our small meeting. I was given a selection of leaflets to go away and read.
At the start of each meeting a chair person reads out the standard opening and if there are newcomers will read a section specifically for them, welcoming them and explaining a little about AlAnon. If there are newcomers or people not regulars at that particular meeting we then go around the room to introduce ourselves by our first name only and say a little about what brought us to AlAnon. You are free to say nothing, say just your name or just your situation or anything or any combination of those you want, you will be very welcome what ever you say or do not say. Then we go around the room reading the twelve steps and traditions. Again you are free to join in or not as you like.
Normally a member will then talk on a subject for a little while and once they are finished the other members are free to share their experience or thoughts on that subject, or to talk about anything that they want to express if that is different from the subject. My first meeting there was no planned speaker so we just spoke about whatever we liked. I didn't manage much beyond the very basics of why I was there because I didn't want to cry. I feel safe enough there to cry now tho, when I need to.
When all that want to have shared, the chair person closes the meeting and the group usually reads something all together at the end. In my group its the serenity prayer, but I understand some groups use the lords prayer or other short sayings, depending on what the group has agreed upon.
I guarantee you will be welcomed with open arms and that anything you do or don't say will be completely fine with the group. Each group has a different feel, you might like to try out a few different ones before you decide if it is or isn't for you.
Honestly going to that first AlAnon meetings is one of the best decisions I have EVER made. I am a grateful member of AlAnon. Let us know how it goes for you
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Al-Anon was a life saver for me. Just go in with an open mind. Until you have been to a meeting no one can really explain it. Don't be scared though, it just a bunch of people with a common problem working together to make their lives better, and it work.
I can tell you that you will welcomed and that everyone there will understand what you are going through.
You'll do fine.
Sorry, but that's not recovery, early or otherwise.
Your friend,
I can tell you that you will welcomed and that everyone there will understand what you are going through.
You'll do fine.
My boyfriend is in the early stages of recovery. Last night he hung out with a friend and "only" had three beers.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Exactly, Mike. When I asked him if he was still going to the AA meeting this morning, he said, "absolutely. I'm in this for good." I said "no, you're not and nothing good will ever come out of you drinking any amount." That was about it. I don't feel like talking to him at all.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
RB71, just came across this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...r-effects.html
It's not about what to expect at your first Alanon meeting, but it IS about what Alanon can do for your life, with or without your A in it. Hope you find it useful.
It's not about what to expect at your first Alanon meeting, but it IS about what Alanon can do for your life, with or without your A in it. Hope you find it useful.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by readerbaby71
Exactly, Mike. When I asked him if he was still going to the AA meeting this morning, he said, "absolutely. I'm in this for good." I said "no, you're not and nothing good will ever come out of you drinking any amount." That was about it. I don't feel like talking to him at all.
After being separated for four months me and my boyfriend got back together on the terms that he would get sober. He was for about two months, slipped up once and stayed good for another month. In August it was just one thing after another and I'm at my breaking point. I currently dont have the time to go to an Al-anon meeting so I joined this website to hopefully help me out through this whole lovely ordeal I'm going through currently.
My AB is the same...thinks he can have a couple beers here or there and he's fine.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Al Anon was a sanity saver for me and I hope it will be as beneficial to you.
I went to my first Al Anon meeting with the wife of an AA old timer from my home group and my alcoholic ex boyfriend was drunk, angry and stinking up my home as usual. I had that pit (fear) in my stomach and right after I said my name all I could do was cry. I don't think I stopped crying or said anything aside from my name for the duration of the meeting. Good thing they always had a box of kleenex there
I kept coming back and slowly but surely I started setting boundaries and getting better.
You might hear some things which don't make sense at first like "mind your own business", "detach with love". Do not worry, as you start working the program, it will start making sense. You will also notice that people do not cross talk and interrupt whomever has the floor and do not give advice one way or another.
We get our inspiration and cues from members who have been through similar experiences and talk about it.
You are new so it is ok to get to talk about your situation and you will probably talk about the alcoholic. It is encouraged though that while sharing, we focus the share on ourselves, how we feel, how we deal with things and not on the A.
Let us know how it went and congrats for taking a positive step for yourself
I went to my first Al Anon meeting with the wife of an AA old timer from my home group and my alcoholic ex boyfriend was drunk, angry and stinking up my home as usual. I had that pit (fear) in my stomach and right after I said my name all I could do was cry. I don't think I stopped crying or said anything aside from my name for the duration of the meeting. Good thing they always had a box of kleenex there
I kept coming back and slowly but surely I started setting boundaries and getting better.
You might hear some things which don't make sense at first like "mind your own business", "detach with love". Do not worry, as you start working the program, it will start making sense. You will also notice that people do not cross talk and interrupt whomever has the floor and do not give advice one way or another.
We get our inspiration and cues from members who have been through similar experiences and talk about it.
You are new so it is ok to get to talk about your situation and you will probably talk about the alcoholic. It is encouraged though that while sharing, we focus the share on ourselves, how we feel, how we deal with things and not on the A.
Let us know how it went and congrats for taking a positive step for yourself
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
I didn't read everyone's responses yet, but Hey.. I just went to my first meeting today too! I was nervous but it was super easy to fit in. Speak or don't speak, I found it very welcoming and will certainly be going back.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
I went to the meeting and it was wonderful. Mostly older women and they were so warm and welcoming. There was a speaker so I didn't hear a lot of stories, but hers was interesting and insightful. I got some literature and reading it has already made me feel more peaceful and detached. They suggested that I try a few newcomers meetings to learn more about the program.
I met a very nice lady who gave me her phone number and told me to call her any time if I needed to talk. Amazing people. I think this could provide the healing and emotional growth that I need. I've worked so hard on myself for so many years, and becoming more mentally healthy is never a bad thing.
Thanks all for your encouragement. It helped so much.
I met a very nice lady who gave me her phone number and told me to call her any time if I needed to talk. Amazing people. I think this could provide the healing and emotional growth that I need. I've worked so hard on myself for so many years, and becoming more mentally healthy is never a bad thing.
Thanks all for your encouragement. It helped so much.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
So happy to hear this, RB71! Glad you had a good experience and are looking forward to learning and using the Alanon tools to make your life better.
Thanks for posting; you got my day off to a good start by sharing your news.
Thanks for posting; you got my day off to a good start by sharing your news.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
In reading more of the literature last night, the one thing that struck me is that going to Al-anon is for ME and my personal growth, not to try to help my bf stop drinking. It's made me realize I can detach with love, as they say. Focus on myself and what I need to do to make myself happy. This relationship has been a major distraction from that. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's amazing how a shift in perspective can change one's world in a second.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by readerbaby71
In reading more of the literature last night, the one thing that struck me is that going to Al-anon is for ME and my personal growth, not to try to help my bf stop drinking. It's made me realize I can detach with love, as they say. Focus on myself and what I need to do to make myself happy. This relationship has been a major distraction from that. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's amazing how a shift in perspective can change one's world in a second.
Your friend,
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