Blogs


Notices

spent the whole weekend walking on eggshells

Old 07-06-2010, 09:36 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 36
spent the whole weekend walking on eggshells

ugh.

This weekend, being the 4th of July.. was the first family get together/ holiday... and I was soooooo antsy about BF getting drunk in front of people.

One thing Ive learned and I was kinda worried about is.. whether he would drink MORE when there's a reason, you know? a holiday? or something? He did.

I spent the whole weekend at his house and invited a friend up and had some family over. At his house. We did the whole 4th , at his house.

He got drunk as hell friday. It was just us that night tho. Nothing was too bad ( I didnt drink) but he questioned me a little bit about my past. I said I didnt like being talked to that way and he said something like, "I better quit while Im ahead and think of something good to do."

I said, "I know something good you can do.. stop drinking so much. Im tired of dealing with drinking."

He was stopped dead in his tracks and astounded. He recovered quickly and said, "I'll stop drinking so much"

Saturday, I had my friend over (she stayed the weekend) and another friend over. Both are not big drinkers. He got drunk off his ass again.

The one friend (who stayed the weekend) told me her BF is an alcoholic.. (he wasnt with) so it was all no big deal to her ( I hadnt known he was and never met him.. my friend lives 200 miles away and we dont get together much).

My other friend was like, " holy crap"

I was embarrassed and on edge SOOOOOOOOO much.

Tonight is definitely "the talk" Im not so worried about it anymore. I just know I cant deal with walking on eggshells.

It was one thing to think "he's a great guy and alcohol is a problem, sure, but it doesnt effect life badly.." and to know that I spent all weekend being worried about whether he'd drink more and if that would equal stupid embarrassing behavior.

He didnt get overly dumb.. didnt say anything embarrassing, but it was embarrassing just seeing him drunk, you could tell by how he looked.
incognito70 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to incognito70 For This Useful Post:
freefalling (07-07-2010), HanahGoodness (07-07-2010)
Old 07-06-2010, 10:00 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 36
well. Im a bit perplexed at myself, for being perplexed at all. Because I know the answer is probably that I shouldnt spend any time wasted on this.. But..


Its weird, for me, that he has seemingly good control when he wants. KWIM? Like, Im a smoker.. and if Im up late doing schoolwork, and run out of cigs at 11 pm.. generally I'll go get some. Im not going to go without for hours or most of the day.

But he can. (with drinking) Isnt an addict just... an addict?

He drank a lot Friday. He drank a lot Saturday. I was kinda distant because I was just emotionally drained. Nothing big happened, I was just worried about my friends and family seeing him drunk. Other people drank.. no one as much as him, and he didnt do anything dumb..neither did anyone else. I was just self conscious or whatever.

So, my friend was here Sunday and Monday, too. He didnt drink at all, all day Sunday, even after my friend started. He DID drink a few beers, I didnt count.. but I hardly seen him with one and did notice he'd go off doing something and leave his beer behind on the counter the whole time. He didnt seem to drink a lot at all, and didnt ever seem drunk. I CAN usually tell by his eyes after 2 or so. He never got that look. He didnt have any until at 7 pm and spent the whole day undrunk and I'd guess had maybe 3-4. We were up till 1 am.

Monday, same thing. No major drinking at all. I seen him crack a beer at like 4 pm and he went to bed by 6:30 (not because he was drunk but because he had work today and has to get up at 3 am). I think he drank maybe 2 or 3.


I dont really know what to say to him and dont know if "Can you keep drinking to a minimum like Sunday and Monday" is a reasonable thing that he CAN do or not.
incognito70 is offline  
Old 07-06-2010, 10:16 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,181
Originally Posted by incognito70 View Post
well. Im a bit perplexed at myself, for being perplexed at all. Because I know the answer is probably that I shouldnt spend any time wasted on this.. But..


Its weird, for me, that he has seemingly good control when he wants. KWIM? Like, Im a smoker.. and if Im up late doing schoolwork, and run out of cigs at 11 pm.. generally I'll go get some. Im not going to go without for hours or most of the day.

But he can. (with drinking) Isnt an addict just... an addict?
Why is it so important for you to analyze his drinking?

His drinking is a problem for you, period.

You've already stated you don't want your kids to think that a beer in hand every day is okay.

He's going to do what he's going to do.

You can't change him.

I see your confusion as a result of knowing in your heart what is right for you and your kids, but you keep trying to rationalize he's not an alcoholic and can control his drinking at certain times.

I didn't drink every day.

I was a binge drinker.

Does that mean I'm not an alcoholic? Hardly not. I'm as real of an alcoholic as they come.

As a recovering codependent, I can tell you I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with someone where I felt they had to change something in order for me to be comfortable or have my standards intact.
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
desertgirl (07-06-2010), freefalling (07-07-2010)
Old 07-06-2010, 01:03 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SC
Posts: 8
Have you considered going to Al-anon?
lakelover is offline  
Old 07-06-2010, 02:45 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,444
I am going to point some things out, not to be judgmental or nit picky about these speciics , but to bring some awareness to your behavior. You spend so much time worried about his and you'll go crazy doing that. Your key to figuring this out is to focus on yourself.

Originally Posted by incognito70 View Post
He got drunk as hell friday. It was just us that night tho. Nothing was too bad
You and he had a night together - he got drunk (which you've said you do not like) but you buffer this by minimizing it because it was just you and he didn't do anything bad. 1) Just you? You are the girlfriend - you are THE one that matters! 2) Nothing to bad? The getting drunk was the bad part. He doesn't get extra credit because he didn't break something or vomit on your shoes.

He didnt get overly dumb.. didnt say anything embarrassing, but it was embarrassing just seeing him drunk, you could tell by how he looked.
Don't give credit to someone for not being overly dumb or the lack of completely embarrassing behavior. It is a way of minimalizing our feelings about other serious things, either because we don't trust our guts, we want to rationalize it, or we want to deny the reality of it.

You've said before that he always goes to bed at 7pm because he has to get up in the morning to work. That is what people do. He doesn't get extra credit, like he is really going above and beyond, just because he spent the previous 4 hours drinking.

See what I mean? I was a master at doing this. Each bonus point I gave to him for totally normal (and in the end even subnormal behavior) turned the volume down on that little voice inside. The one we need to be paying such close attention to.
Thumper is offline  
Old 07-06-2010, 04:07 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
stilllearning's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Hey incognito,

Your first post basically said that your BF was a great guy and the relationship was fantastic, with the one, tiny, nagging problem that he always had a drink in his hand. But never seemed drunk and functioned well.

So this weekend he did seem drunk. You spent the weekend on edge. You were worried about how his drinking would reflect on him, and you, around his family and friends. You mention a "look in his eye" after two beers - that you're now familiar with. Most folks on this site are familiar with that look.

If alcohol really didn't affect this man, or your relationship, then it wouldn't be an issue. But if it was lemonade in his glass and not alcohol, it wouldn't bother you and you wouldn't be on this site. He drinks - a lot. It's already a problem, for you. He got really drunk around your family and friends and it hurt, worried and embarrassed you.
And you're minimizing and second guessing your reaction, walking on eggshells and in a state of anxiety. That, right there, is why alcoholism is a family disease. Dis-ease. You are not at ease right now and that's how it works.

I was in your shoes - my AXBF "relapsed" about once a month. It got to the point where I could smell beer and my heart would be in my mouth because I knew that if I asked whether he'd been drinking that a ^%&*storm would follow. Something in you knows that this is a problem, that it's serious enough that raising it is going to be a big deal and that the relationship is at stake.

I had "the talk" with my ex. And according to him - he really wanted to get, and stay sober. THis made me happy because I wanted him - just not the alcoholism. Unfortunately that's not how it works. I couldn't accept him as he was. So logically, he had to change for me to be happy.

The only thing that I am sure of in life these days - thanks to a horrible alanonic bottom and being in al-anon is that making your happiness dependent on someone else making changes in their life is a sure way to stay stuck and miserable.

And as soon as the issue of alcohol is really out on the table - nine times out of 10 the alcoholic starts to round up the wagons to protect their disease. This might mean hiding the drinking, making it seem like you're over-reacting, picking fights, going off-radar - you name it. I know this because I've read dozens of stories on SR over the last year and they are all pretty similar to the point of being formulaic.

I really feel for you because I remember that eggshells feeling so well. It would be great if you could make it to a face to face alanon meeting, for you, to help you through whatever happens next.

All I can share from my own story is that the point you're at right now - knowing that this isn't good, knowing that you're not comfortable and feeling torn and anxious - is the point where I made some crucial decisions. In my case it was to keep minimizing, stop listening to the little voice and hope that he changed. I would not recommend that course of action to -anyone- who is worried about another person's drinking. You have all the facts you need now to know what you're dealing with. So what are you going to do for you - to keep yourself safe and healthy?

Hugs, SL.
stilllearning is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to stilllearning For This Useful Post:
canuckch (07-07-2010), freefalling (07-07-2010), gingercharlie (07-07-2010), Thumper (07-06-2010), wicked (07-06-2010)
Old 07-06-2010, 04:22 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,181
Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
See what I mean? I was a master at doing this. Each bonus point I gave to him for totally normal (and in the end even subnormal behavior) turned the volume down on that little voice inside. The one we need to be paying such close attention to.
Beautifully put, my dear!
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
Thumper (07-06-2010)
Old 07-07-2010, 06:11 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 36
Thank you guys SO much for your posts.
incognito70 is offline  
Old 07-07-2010, 01:02 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,566
Blog Entries: 10
My husband usto get drunk, wasted. We would make a deal that from then on it was only to be X amount of drinks per week. What a laugh! He would be drinking as soon as I hit the door. Either he drinks or he does not in my eyes. I will NEVER AGAIN tolerate even one drink from him or he is out....and he knows it. He went to rehab and has been clean for 100 days, we'll see.

The moral of my story is: dont waste your breath saying dont drink so much. It wont work if he is addicted.

good luck and god bless!
hopeful4 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to hopeful4 For This Useful Post:
Thumper (07-07-2010)
Old 07-07-2010, 01:53 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by stilllearning View Post
Hey incognito,

Your first post basically said that your BF was a great guy and the relationship was fantastic, with the one, tiny, nagging problem that he always had a drink in his hand. But never seemed drunk and functioned well.

So this weekend he did seem drunk. You spent the weekend on edge. You were worried about how his drinking would reflect on him, and you, around his family and friends. You mention a "look in his eye" after two beers - that you're now familiar with. Most folks on this site are familiar with that look.

If alcohol really didn't affect this man, or your relationship, then it wouldn't be an issue. But if it was lemonade in his glass and not alcohol, it wouldn't bother you and you wouldn't be on this site. He drinks - a lot. It's already a problem, for you. He got really drunk around your family and friends and it hurt, worried and embarrassed you.

And you're minimizing and second guessing your reaction, walking on eggshells and in a state of anxiety. That, right there, is why alcoholism is a family disease. Dis-ease. You are not at ease right now and that's how it works.

I was in your shoes - my AXBF "relapsed" about once a month. It got to the point where I could smell beer and my heart would be in my mouth because I knew that if I asked whether he'd been drinking that a ^%&*storm would follow. Something in you knows that this is a problem, that it's serious enough that raising it is going to be a big deal and that the relationship is at stake.

I had "the talk" with my ex. And according to him - he really wanted to get, and stay sober. THis made me happy because I wanted him - just not the alcoholism. Unfortunately that's not how it works. I couldn't accept him as he was. So logically, he had to change for me to be happy.

The only thing that I am sure of in life these days - thanks to a horrible alanonic bottom and being in al-anon is that making your happiness dependent on someone else making changes in their life is a sure way to stay stuck and miserable.

And as soon as the issue of alcohol is really out on the table - nine times out of 10 the alcoholic starts to round up the wagons to protect their disease. This might mean hiding the drinking, making it seem like you're over-reacting, picking fights, going off-radar - you name it. I know this because I've read dozens of stories on SR over the last year and they are all pretty similar to the point of being formulaic.

I really feel for you because I remember that eggshells feeling so well. It would be great if you could make it to a face to face alanon meeting, for you, to help you through whatever happens next.

All I can share from my own story is that the point you're at right now - knowing that this isn't good, knowing that you're not comfortable and feeling torn and anxious - is the point where I made some crucial decisions. In my case it was to keep minimizing, stop listening to the little voice and hope that he changed. I would not recommend that course of action to -anyone- who is worried about another person's drinking. You have all the facts you need now to know what you're dealing with. So what are you going to do for you - to keep yourself safe and healthy?

Hugs, SL.
I seriously could have written this post myself.
gingercharlie is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:53 PM.