Originally Posted by stilllearning

Hey incognito,

Your first post basically said that your BF was a great guy and the relationship was fantastic, with the one, tiny, nagging problem that he always had a drink in his hand. But never seemed drunk and functioned well.

So this weekend he did seem drunk. You spent the weekend on edge. You were worried about how his drinking would reflect on him, and you, around his family and friends. You mention a "look in his eye" after two beers - that you're now familiar with. Most folks on this site are familiar with that look.

If alcohol really didn't affect this man, or your relationship, then it wouldn't be an issue. But if it was lemonade in his glass and not alcohol, it wouldn't bother you and you wouldn't be on this site. He drinks - a lot. It's already a problem, for you. He got really drunk around your family and friends and it hurt, worried and embarrassed you.

And you're minimizing and second guessing your reaction, walking on eggshells and in a state of anxiety. That, right there, is why alcoholism is a family disease. Dis-ease. You are not at ease right now and that's how it works.

I was in your shoes - my AXBF "relapsed" about once a month. It got to the point where I could smell beer and my heart would be in my mouth because I knew that if I asked whether he'd been drinking that a ^%&*storm would follow. Something in you knows that this is a problem, that it's serious enough that raising it is going to be a big deal and that the relationship is at stake.

I had "the talk" with my ex. And according to him - he really wanted to get, and stay sober. THis made me happy because I wanted him - just not the alcoholism. Unfortunately that's not how it works. I couldn't accept him as he was. So logically, he had to change for me to be happy.

The only thing that I am sure of in life these days - thanks to a horrible alanonic bottom and being in al-anon is that making your happiness dependent on someone else making changes in their life is a sure way to stay stuck and miserable.

And as soon as the issue of alcohol is really out on the table - nine times out of 10 the alcoholic starts to round up the wagons to protect their disease. This might mean hiding the drinking, making it seem like you're over-reacting, picking fights, going off-radar - you name it. I know this because I've read dozens of stories on SR over the last year and they are all pretty similar to the point of being formulaic.

I really feel for you because I remember that eggshells feeling so well. It would be great if you could make it to a face to face alanon meeting, for you, to help you through whatever happens next.

All I can share from my own story is that the point you're at right now - knowing that this isn't good, knowing that you're not comfortable and feeling torn and anxious - is the point where I made some crucial decisions. In my case it was to keep minimizing, stop listening to the little voice and hope that he changed. I would not recommend that course of action to -anyone- who is worried about another person's drinking. You have all the facts you need now to know what you're dealing with. So what are you going to do for you - to keep yourself safe and healthy?

Hugs, SL.