i am sinking please pray for me
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Oh Buffalo. 
My prayers are going out to you. You are not alone. I do not know what to say. Is there a hotline number you can call - so that you can speak with someone in person. The national number is 1-800-273-8255. Please call.
Remember, that this moment will not last forever. We are praying for you and you will find the strength to get through this moment, and this day.
My prayers are going out to you. You are not alone. I do not know what to say. Is there a hotline number you can call - so that you can speak with someone in person. The national number is 1-800-273-8255. Please call.Remember, that this moment will not last forever. We are praying for you and you will find the strength to get through this moment, and this day.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Buffalo,
You are ok right now. If you are ok moment to moment, the hours and the day will be ok too. Don't give up. Stay on this site, read, talk, whatever you need. There are so many people here who have been through so much. They are all ok in this moment. Don't give up. Thank you for asking for help. We are all here.
You are ok right now. If you are ok moment to moment, the hours and the day will be ok too. Don't give up. Stay on this site, read, talk, whatever you need. There are so many people here who have been through so much. They are all ok in this moment. Don't give up. Thank you for asking for help. We are all here.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
:ghug3
One second at a time is all you need to get through. You can get out of the other side of this feeling. It will pass and you will be able to feel happy again one day. Hang in there hon.
One second at a time is all you need to get through. You can get out of the other side of this feeling. It will pass and you will be able to feel happy again one day. Hang in there hon.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Hi Buffalo66, I hope you are still on line. I too would like to hear more from you. Tell us what's going on and we'll try to help.
I read some of your earlier threads, you were doing good. It takes time, sometimes it gets really hard, but it goes away. Sometimes we need these meltdowns to help us emerge from it even stronger.
YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR: YOUR PRECIOUS SON AND YOUR PRECIOUS LIFE!
Nothing, really nothing else can be compared to that blessing. In the mist of the storm you can only hold on to one or two things that are worth living for. You have your son, you have the smile on his face when he looks at you. Hold on to that and eventually the skies will become clearer. Much sooner than you think, as once you let go of everything but what is the most dear to you, losing the rest don't really mean much any more, and life does become better. I can promiss you that.
Talk to us, we are here for you
Hugs
I read some of your earlier threads, you were doing good. It takes time, sometimes it gets really hard, but it goes away. Sometimes we need these meltdowns to help us emerge from it even stronger.
YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR: YOUR PRECIOUS SON AND YOUR PRECIOUS LIFE!
Nothing, really nothing else can be compared to that blessing. In the mist of the storm you can only hold on to one or two things that are worth living for. You have your son, you have the smile on his face when he looks at you. Hold on to that and eventually the skies will become clearer. Much sooner than you think, as once you let go of everything but what is the most dear to you, losing the rest don't really mean much any more, and life does become better. I can promiss you that.
Talk to us, we are here for you
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
He is living here. My car died, my son is not in school. I have no money and no job. He started getting unemployment and we had to live together to make it work.
There have been some good strides from him, but...as you all know the drinking nights(every night) are long, and he turns mean, and he attacks. He is, of course, completely without account for these episodes.
He is great with our son during the day.
Everyday after he is mean and I eventually lash back, all he can remember is what I said or did. He holds the money hostage, thats his trick. My hands are tied.
Today was extra bad. My son is so in love with his dad. Its like I dont even exist. I try to be positive, try to rise above the fray, but...Often I cannot and I become part of the dysfunction, defending myself, lashing back.
Its just too hard to ahev him blame me and blame me, then threaten to leave with money and car unless I SHAPE UP.
Its so flabbergasting. He is staying home, he cut off all his enablers, but I still carry most of the responsible stuff for our son. He is just impossible to get along with since when he drinks he makes accusing sometimems paranoid extreme general stsements. He never admits to having said those things. I am left holding the bag EVERY TIME!
I have my own issues. I have troubles in my own mind.(Obviously I am sick with co dependence and cannnot sever ties with an abusive man, among others.
Today I wanted to eat all of my anxiety meds at once. I feel so beat. I cannot win. I cannot get on my feet. I cannot see the shore. I still want to eat them. I made dinner for my son, as A was "leaving because he cannot tolerate ME anymore."" I am abusive, he says. I am dark and sad. Then he changed his mind and is on the way back.
I am relieved he is coming back for the money, for our son, for the car... But for a few minutes there I was so happy that he left. I am strung out and strung up.
This is not the woman I am or have ever been. I am stronger than this, but this is one snag in life that I have been unable to unravel. And I truly have lost all self respect. My son is only learning that weakness is king. He just loves his daddy.
I cant be on long, if he comes home...I NEVER want him to know about this forum. It would threaten him too much, and I will be taunted over it...Not to mention he would pore over it to fgure out which username is mme. I am typing fast. I know how pathetic.
There have been some good strides from him, but...as you all know the drinking nights(every night) are long, and he turns mean, and he attacks. He is, of course, completely without account for these episodes.
He is great with our son during the day.
Everyday after he is mean and I eventually lash back, all he can remember is what I said or did. He holds the money hostage, thats his trick. My hands are tied.
Today was extra bad. My son is so in love with his dad. Its like I dont even exist. I try to be positive, try to rise above the fray, but...Often I cannot and I become part of the dysfunction, defending myself, lashing back.
Its just too hard to ahev him blame me and blame me, then threaten to leave with money and car unless I SHAPE UP.
Its so flabbergasting. He is staying home, he cut off all his enablers, but I still carry most of the responsible stuff for our son. He is just impossible to get along with since when he drinks he makes accusing sometimems paranoid extreme general stsements. He never admits to having said those things. I am left holding the bag EVERY TIME!
I have my own issues. I have troubles in my own mind.(Obviously I am sick with co dependence and cannnot sever ties with an abusive man, among others.
Today I wanted to eat all of my anxiety meds at once. I feel so beat. I cannot win. I cannot get on my feet. I cannot see the shore. I still want to eat them. I made dinner for my son, as A was "leaving because he cannot tolerate ME anymore."" I am abusive, he says. I am dark and sad. Then he changed his mind and is on the way back.
I am relieved he is coming back for the money, for our son, for the car... But for a few minutes there I was so happy that he left. I am strung out and strung up.
This is not the woman I am or have ever been. I am stronger than this, but this is one snag in life that I have been unable to unravel. And I truly have lost all self respect. My son is only learning that weakness is king. He just loves his daddy.
I cant be on long, if he comes home...I NEVER want him to know about this forum. It would threaten him too much, and I will be taunted over it...Not to mention he would pore over it to fgure out which username is mme. I am typing fast. I know how pathetic.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Can you contact a local shelter or domestic violence service? Can you go back to your health professionals and ask them for some referrals?
There's much more help out there than it seems right now.
(((hugs))) too if they help at all.
There's much more help out there than it seems right now.
(((hugs))) too if they help at all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
Years ago I had a friend & neighbour who lost both her daughters. Her elder daughter died of a heroin overdose, then I lost my baby daughter at birth, then my friends younger daughter was murdered.
It was a terrible dark time. We agreed that, as ridiculous as it sounds, some days the very best you can do is to just keep breathing in & out.
So give yourself a break Buffalo. Sometimes life is really freaking hard & the best we can do is just hang in there. Try not to beat yourself up honey.
Remember to breath & know that you are loved & cared for by people you've never met. That's kind of awesome I reckon
It was a terrible dark time. We agreed that, as ridiculous as it sounds, some days the very best you can do is to just keep breathing in & out.
So give yourself a break Buffalo. Sometimes life is really freaking hard & the best we can do is just hang in there. Try not to beat yourself up honey.
Remember to breath & know that you are loved & cared for by people you've never met. That's kind of awesome I reckon
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Buffalo66....I'm concerned for your safety. This is not a solution. Please read this:
Suicide: Read This First
You are living with abuse, please take some time to read these threads in the sticky section. There is hope for you. Many, many other women have learned how to successfully deal with this. There are free resources and helpful tips for you here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Today I wanted to eat all of my anxiety meds at once
Suicide: Read This First
You are living with abuse, please take some time to read these threads in the sticky section. There is hope for you. Many, many other women have learned how to successfully deal with this. There are free resources and helpful tips for you here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Buffalo66, a lot of good advice on the previous posts. Please, please consider calling some one. There's National Domestic Violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE. For online information, WomensLaw.org has links to find state and local programs. They also have information on making safety plans and internet safety.
I've been reading a lot about abusive relationships as I try to work through my history with my AH. All the reading includes info that the kids who witness domestic violence may appear to side with or placate the abuser as a safety mechanism. It is in no way any indication that your son does not love you or loves you less than his father, it is simply a coping strategy to protect himself.
This is a common trait in abusers, to turn it around on the one they're abusing, making it their fault and/or saying the abused is actually the abuser. Please don't believe his lies.
Please, start making a safety plan if you haven't already. Read the stickies that CMC pointed out. Call the either of the hotline numbers provided in this thread. Check out the online resources for victims of domestic violence. Please start taking steps to lead yourself and your son to safety.
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
Today was extra bad. My son is so in love with his dad. Its like I dont even exist. I try to be positive, try to rise above the fray, but...Often I cannot and I become part of the dysfunction, defending myself, lashing back.
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
I am abusive, he says.
Please, start making a safety plan if you haven't already. Read the stickies that CMC pointed out. Call the either of the hotline numbers provided in this thread. Check out the online resources for victims of domestic violence. Please start taking steps to lead yourself and your son to safety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I do talk to someone at the shelter hotline here. He heard me one day. I told him it was my old alanon sponsor, that she was having problems. He bought it, but...I dont know when I can get out from under this. Everytime I am on the computer he asks real loud who I am writing to.
He does/has not physically assaulted me for 4 tears. He knows better. This is all verbal. He attacks my spiritual work, my career(which was very successful), saying that it was a fluke.
He calls me stupid all the time, and he tries to have sex with me after that. I refuse and he threatens to leave. I have not been having sex w/him unless he treats me kindly.
I need to write this book, sell my art, I need long term income, I need to do it. He rips down the idea of the book, also, every chance he gets. He implies that everything that I claim happened in my life is a lie, and no one wants to hear it. Its trite, stupid.
He tells me Im a bad mother. He says Im stupid ALOT. And really, I have no doubt that my intellect is up to par. I know who ia am . Am]nd while I may be weak, washed up, getting older...I KNOW I am not stupid.
Now he is here. I have to deal with it until I get myself togethere. My friend suggested writing a book about him, so I can somehow be compensated for all my grief.
Im sorry. I have to go Thanks you every one. I have to do bedtime stuff.
He does/has not physically assaulted me for 4 tears. He knows better. This is all verbal. He attacks my spiritual work, my career(which was very successful), saying that it was a fluke.
He calls me stupid all the time, and he tries to have sex with me after that. I refuse and he threatens to leave. I have not been having sex w/him unless he treats me kindly.
I need to write this book, sell my art, I need long term income, I need to do it. He rips down the idea of the book, also, every chance he gets. He implies that everything that I claim happened in my life is a lie, and no one wants to hear it. Its trite, stupid.
He tells me Im a bad mother. He says Im stupid ALOT. And really, I have no doubt that my intellect is up to par. I know who ia am . Am]nd while I may be weak, washed up, getting older...I KNOW I am not stupid.
Now he is here. I have to deal with it until I get myself togethere. My friend suggested writing a book about him, so I can somehow be compensated for all my grief.
Im sorry. I have to go Thanks you every one. I have to do bedtime stuff.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
He does/has not physically assaulted me for 4 tears. He knows better. This is all verbal. He attacks my spiritual work, my career(which was very successful), saying that it was a fluke.
He calls me stupid all the time, and he tries to have sex with me after that. I refuse and he threatens to leave. I have not been having sex w/him unless he treats me kindly.
I need to write this book, sell my art, I need long term income, I need to do it. He rips down the idea of the book, also, every chance he gets. He implies that everything that I claim happened in my life is a lie, and no one wants to hear it. Its trite, stupid.
He tells me Im a bad mother. He says Im stupid ALOT. And really, I have no doubt that my intellect is up to par. I know who ia am . Am]nd while I may be weak, washed up, getting older...I KNOW I am not stupid.
Now he is here. I have to deal with it until I get myself togethere. My friend suggested writing a book about him, so I can somehow be compensated for all my grief.
Im sorry. I have to go Thanks you every one. I have to do bedtime stuff.
He calls me stupid all the time, and he tries to have sex with me after that. I refuse and he threatens to leave. I have not been having sex w/him unless he treats me kindly.
I need to write this book, sell my art, I need long term income, I need to do it. He rips down the idea of the book, also, every chance he gets. He implies that everything that I claim happened in my life is a lie, and no one wants to hear it. Its trite, stupid.
He tells me Im a bad mother. He says Im stupid ALOT. And really, I have no doubt that my intellect is up to par. I know who ia am . Am]nd while I may be weak, washed up, getting older...I KNOW I am not stupid.
Now he is here. I have to deal with it until I get myself togethere. My friend suggested writing a book about him, so I can somehow be compensated for all my grief.
Im sorry. I have to go Thanks you every one. I have to do bedtime stuff.
Wishing you safety and the absolute knowledge that you and your son deserve better.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I called domestic violence hotline the morning after AH threatened to kill me if I didn't stop crying. The person that answered told me, "somewhere along the lines you lost your boundaries."
That day, when he got home from work, I sat him down and said, "You have spoken to me this way for the last time. If you so much as look sideways at me, I'll walk into the middle of the street and call the police and have you removed."
He still tried to get mouthy, said all kinds of ridiculous crap, but that was the beginning of him losing power over me. I moved out shortly after.
You can re-establish boundaries too Buffalo. You're already doing it in some ways.
That day, when he got home from work, I sat him down and said, "You have spoken to me this way for the last time. If you so much as look sideways at me, I'll walk into the middle of the street and call the police and have you removed."
He still tried to get mouthy, said all kinds of ridiculous crap, but that was the beginning of him losing power over me. I moved out shortly after.
You can re-establish boundaries too Buffalo. You're already doing it in some ways.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
I'm so sorry to hear you are so upset.
Since the storm is inside of you, can you just turn it off for a few minutes. Can you just BE. That's all. Breathe. Drink some water. Stop thinking of what he'll do, what you'll do, what you're son is thinking. Just stop. Just be.
Can you practice just being? Can you practice hearing him but not letting him in? Can you just sit there and not absorb his words as if you were a sponge? Can you be a non-porous surface for a few moments in time?
I agree with Transformyself - once I stopped believing in monsters, they bowed their heads and walked away. I think I saw that on Sesame Street or some kids' show.
No need to yell at the monsters or taunt them. They just didn't have room in my mind.
I think the first thing is you learning how to control your inner thoughts. Please, promise yourself one thing - you will be kind and gentle with yourself, and you will learn how to not let people in.
The next step is to find a way out. And take action. Learn from people who have been there. Be prepared to change your life. Are there friends that could help you start over? It sounds scary, but anything new and different seems to be.
This morning I listed all the wrong things I've done with my money. I sat at the computer and shed tears. Of course I did - I was overwhelmed with all the things I'd done wrong in 20 years, listed in one paragraph for me to view in one shot.
Compartmentalizing helps me. One thing at a time. One issue at a time. Your son is in a different spot than you are. My half-brother's dad tried to kill my mom and beat up on her father. Did that stop my half-brother from being angry with my mom for leaving, no, fleeing his father? Nope! To this day, 50 years later, he holds a grudge. And he has power because she gives it to him.
Be safe. Make yourself safe. Quiet your mind. Even if for a few moments while he's gone. Find yourself - that strong woman you know is inside you.
R.
Since the storm is inside of you, can you just turn it off for a few minutes. Can you just BE. That's all. Breathe. Drink some water. Stop thinking of what he'll do, what you'll do, what you're son is thinking. Just stop. Just be.
Can you practice just being? Can you practice hearing him but not letting him in? Can you just sit there and not absorb his words as if you were a sponge? Can you be a non-porous surface for a few moments in time?
I agree with Transformyself - once I stopped believing in monsters, they bowed their heads and walked away. I think I saw that on Sesame Street or some kids' show.
No need to yell at the monsters or taunt them. They just didn't have room in my mind.
I think the first thing is you learning how to control your inner thoughts. Please, promise yourself one thing - you will be kind and gentle with yourself, and you will learn how to not let people in.
The next step is to find a way out. And take action. Learn from people who have been there. Be prepared to change your life. Are there friends that could help you start over? It sounds scary, but anything new and different seems to be.
This morning I listed all the wrong things I've done with my money. I sat at the computer and shed tears. Of course I did - I was overwhelmed with all the things I'd done wrong in 20 years, listed in one paragraph for me to view in one shot.
Compartmentalizing helps me. One thing at a time. One issue at a time. Your son is in a different spot than you are. My half-brother's dad tried to kill my mom and beat up on her father. Did that stop my half-brother from being angry with my mom for leaving, no, fleeing his father? Nope! To this day, 50 years later, he holds a grudge. And he has power because she gives it to him.
Be safe. Make yourself safe. Quiet your mind. Even if for a few moments while he's gone. Find yourself - that strong woman you know is inside you.
R.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: here
Posts: 62
There is hope. Please please hold on. I was scared of my AH. Going home felt like coming back to my daily jail. I was losing patience with my kids because I was always in fear of one of his outbursts. One day I realized I had to go, and as soon as that realization came I left, while he was passed out. It seemed like this was my chance, that if I did not do it there and then it would not happen, that I would feel weak again. As I gathered things to leave I was shaking with fear, so scared he would wake up. He didn’t. I left, took the kids and myself to a shelter. It was a very stressful week of sorting things out, but I was never alone, the shelter staff were amazing.
I am so glad I left, I feel like I have a new chance at life. It is not easy every day, but it is so much better, so much happier. My kids are better too. They were becoming angry kids and defied my authority. Now ... they (and I!) gained night time cuddles and stories and sweet conversations and giggling. Breakfasts singing songs together. Evenings dancing to music, making crafts... JOY ... hold on....
I am so glad I left, I feel like I have a new chance at life. It is not easy every day, but it is so much better, so much happier. My kids are better too. They were becoming angry kids and defied my authority. Now ... they (and I!) gained night time cuddles and stories and sweet conversations and giggling. Breakfasts singing songs together. Evenings dancing to music, making crafts... JOY ... hold on....
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