i am sinking please pray for me
A Pirate looks at 40
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
I do talk to someone at the shelter hotline here. He heard me one day. I told him it was my old alanon sponsor, that she was having problems. He bought it, but...I dont know when I can get out from under this. Everytime I am on the computer he asks real loud who I am writing to.
He does/has not physically assaulted me for 4 tears. He knows better. This is all verbal. He attacks my spiritual work, my career(which was very successful), saying that it was a fluke.
He calls me stupid all the time, and he tries to have sex with me after that. I refuse and he threatens to leave. I have not been having sex w/him unless he treats me kindly.
I need to write this book, sell my art, I need long term income, I need to do it. He rips down the idea of the book, also, every chance he gets. He implies that everything that I claim happened in my life is a lie, and no one wants to hear it. Its trite, stupid.
He tells me Im a bad mother. He says Im stupid ALOT. And really, I have no doubt that my intellect is up to par. I know who ia am . Am]nd while I may be weak, washed up, getting older...I KNOW I am not stupid.
Now he is here. I have to deal with it until I get myself togethere. My friend suggested writing a book about him, so I can somehow be compensated for all my grief.
Im sorry. I have to go Thanks you every one. I have to do bedtime stuff.
He does/has not physically assaulted me for 4 tears. He knows better. This is all verbal. He attacks my spiritual work, my career(which was very successful), saying that it was a fluke.
He calls me stupid all the time, and he tries to have sex with me after that. I refuse and he threatens to leave. I have not been having sex w/him unless he treats me kindly.
I need to write this book, sell my art, I need long term income, I need to do it. He rips down the idea of the book, also, every chance he gets. He implies that everything that I claim happened in my life is a lie, and no one wants to hear it. Its trite, stupid.
He tells me Im a bad mother. He says Im stupid ALOT. And really, I have no doubt that my intellect is up to par. I know who ia am . Am]nd while I may be weak, washed up, getting older...I KNOW I am not stupid.
Now he is here. I have to deal with it until I get myself togethere. My friend suggested writing a book about him, so I can somehow be compensated for all my grief.
Im sorry. I have to go Thanks you every one. I have to do bedtime stuff.
Also remember Buffalo when they are tearing us down they are doing it to make themselves feel better as they are so scared to look into the mirror and examine their own faults and weaknesses. Instead they decide to rip apart those around them to temporarily dull the pain inside of them.
They are projecting their problems on us, when he is calling you stupid, etc... He is really projecting how he feels about himself onto you, only he is too much of a coward to dare say it to himself.
Trust me my AW can get this way when she goes on a binge. I actually pity her. It is sad. At the same time do not let it affect your self esteem . You gotta let it roll off your back.
Above all else take care of you and your son!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Ugh. I know well that deep dark hole you're living in. Scared to say anything because it might trigger him. Scared to be too quiet, it might trigger him. Every move is calculated beforehand out of fear, until you finally get to the point where you almost can't move at all.
The manipulation of the child, acting the best friend the best buddy, making it all out to be you you you who are the problem.
Controlling the money, controlling the transportation, threatening to cut it all off if you don't act right. Acting benevolent one minute (you must have been a good girl), and nasty the next.
Unfortunately, many domestic violence centers don't consider this abuse. Not in the way physical abuse is. I can't get any help from them at all, other than some recommendations.
This won't get any better. The abuse will continue.
If you have any place you can go, do it. Be upfront about the issues, that you will likely have no money and will need help for a time. Seek out help from your church, your family, friends. Anyone.
Get a free consult with an attorney, find out your legal rights. Get some help from a counselor via the local mental health clinic. You have GOT to get up and move, 'cause it's only going to get worse.
The upside:
There IS light at the end of the tunnel. There is life and love and bright sun and skies.
I got away from it, you can too. You can do it.
Start making a plan.
The manipulation of the child, acting the best friend the best buddy, making it all out to be you you you who are the problem.
Controlling the money, controlling the transportation, threatening to cut it all off if you don't act right. Acting benevolent one minute (you must have been a good girl), and nasty the next.
Unfortunately, many domestic violence centers don't consider this abuse. Not in the way physical abuse is. I can't get any help from them at all, other than some recommendations.
This won't get any better. The abuse will continue.
If you have any place you can go, do it. Be upfront about the issues, that you will likely have no money and will need help for a time. Seek out help from your church, your family, friends. Anyone.
Get a free consult with an attorney, find out your legal rights. Get some help from a counselor via the local mental health clinic. You have GOT to get up and move, 'cause it's only going to get worse.
The upside:
There IS light at the end of the tunnel. There is life and love and bright sun and skies.
I got away from it, you can too. You can do it.
Start making a plan.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Our local shelter considers verabl abuse to be ABUSE and will let you stay at a shelter. if he has stopped hitting you, it's because he doesn't need to anymore, you are under control. Please take your son and remove him from this environment before he can learn from this pattern. I was the educator for our shelter and have seen the devastating effects on the kids.. they learn from what they experience and I fear for you and your son.There is another whole world for the both of you, but make sure you leave SAFELY. Call your victim/witness center at local DA's office or check out info online. You will need amongst other things, birth certificates, money, extra keys, prescriptions,etc. Having a plan can save your life.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
If you don't meet the criteria for your local shelter, then get on the national hotline and find one where you do meet the criteria. The shelter where I volunteer is in a major city and we will assist anyone from almost ANYWHERE to get to the shelter if that is what they want to do. (And yes, verbal abuse is the same as physical abuse in their policies.) Money is not an issue usually (depending on budget constraints) and we'll even pay bus fare if needed. When you get to the shelter with your child you both receive counseling on a daily basis, there is assistance in finding work, legal assistance, etc., and you can stay for up to 60 days. After that you can join a transition program that offers support with rent, utilities, transportation, etc.
Our shelter is not unusual -- there are many like it across the nation. Since you are unemployed, is there any other reason you have to stay there?
Legally, you can take your child anywhere you want since there is no court order stating otherwise.
Remember this: Leaving is the most dangerous time. If you are making plans do NOT tell anyone and especially not him. Talk to domestic abuse counselors about a safety plan. Are you wiping your computer history after using the computer?
There are so many resources available to you -- but you have to be the one to reach out. Please call the National Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) when he is out of the house for an hour or so. Make a plan. Start with Step One.
We're here for you. ((((Hugs)))
Our shelter is not unusual -- there are many like it across the nation. Since you are unemployed, is there any other reason you have to stay there?
Legally, you can take your child anywhere you want since there is no court order stating otherwise.
Remember this: Leaving is the most dangerous time. If you are making plans do NOT tell anyone and especially not him. Talk to domestic abuse counselors about a safety plan. Are you wiping your computer history after using the computer?
There are so many resources available to you -- but you have to be the one to reach out. Please call the National Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) when he is out of the house for an hour or so. Make a plan. Start with Step One.
We're here for you. ((((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Just because you let him come back this time, does not mean this has to be your forever. I can't tell you how many times I took mine back before I finally divorced. And I still don't have a handle on no contact/not enabling (which I will detail in another thread). BUT I am getting better, day by day, and I'm actually feeling better too--I still don't feel great all the time, and still have very down times, but they are lessening. I loved the advice that tjpen gave you about researching shelters in other cities. Maybe getting a geographic break from him and knowing that there is a choice out there even in your present monetary circumstances will give you a little flicker of hope that this CAN GET BETTER FOR YOU. I'm really sorry you're feeling so low--I think most of us have been there too and know how much it sucks. Hold on, honey. You will be OK.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I am doing a little better. Spent the day with a friend. My son has also exhibied some promising behaviors that cheered me:
Last night we were reading the Zax by Dr Suess. He asked why they do not just step aside and keep walking. I said they were both stubborn, and thats what the story is all about. He asked what stubborn meant. I said, " stubborn is when one person feels it has to go their way or no way at all. and they will stick by that, even if it means they cannot keep moving forward. Like, if you are playing with some one and you say lets try this, and they say No. I do it my way, and if you question that, they say, I dont want to play then. " He responded by saying,
" Oh, that is how daddy does stuff, huh?"
I said, well, yes. And thats HIS PROBLEM, because just like the Zax, he will just keep standing where he is. and thats OK for him, but you can move on.
Then, today, he spoke of a boy who kept saying mean things to our neighbor who happens to be african american. He said that this boy says I is better than him, anyway. I siad, " some people are ignorant, and we just keep moving on. We keep being our true selves, and know what is true. "
Once again, he said, " Mama, daddy is ignorant sometimes isnt he?" I said, yes. but everyone wants to be good people but they dont know how. You cannot try to help them That is gods work. You just live as you feel is right, and they will live as they do. "
He said, " My daddy is fun and I like him and he is funny and smart, but I know he is sometimes ignorant..."
I felt so proud. I feel like at least he is going to be OK. He is only 5 for petes sake.
I also named the terrible shifting personality that comes out of my A and told him the name. I told him when he goes there, he will be addressed by that name. The name is Badger -----(mothers maiden name/alcoholic family name)
He laughed, but uncomfortably. At least for today I got my footing and some perspective. I am going to make my life work and be who I am. He can make the choice to leave, and if he does, he will live with that.
He told me that when he left yesterday that he almost called his old girls/enablers. He said he feels that he has evolved past that, and wants to be vigilant of his personality shifts when drinking. He gave me permission to videotape him.
I know its all very band aid-ish , but its more than Ive had for two months. I needed a little sign from the universe that my son was just not becoming one of the vampires. I got that.
Small steps, as you are all telling me, one day, one SECOND at a time. I can survive this, today or tonight, but make no mistake, I am making a plan, and I have some friends who are willing to jump when I call to get out when I need that. I also called the shelter and alerted them that I am having intermittent difficulties. I established a contact there, and they DO consider psych and verbal abuse dire. Thank god for that!!
I cannot tell you haow valuable and helpful all your words, posts, links and prayers have been. I am filled with gratitude, and what a strange world outr modern time is, that it is all over a wireless connection. Bless you, good night
Last night we were reading the Zax by Dr Suess. He asked why they do not just step aside and keep walking. I said they were both stubborn, and thats what the story is all about. He asked what stubborn meant. I said, " stubborn is when one person feels it has to go their way or no way at all. and they will stick by that, even if it means they cannot keep moving forward. Like, if you are playing with some one and you say lets try this, and they say No. I do it my way, and if you question that, they say, I dont want to play then. " He responded by saying,
" Oh, that is how daddy does stuff, huh?"
I said, well, yes. And thats HIS PROBLEM, because just like the Zax, he will just keep standing where he is. and thats OK for him, but you can move on.
Then, today, he spoke of a boy who kept saying mean things to our neighbor who happens to be african american. He said that this boy says I is better than him, anyway. I siad, " some people are ignorant, and we just keep moving on. We keep being our true selves, and know what is true. "
Once again, he said, " Mama, daddy is ignorant sometimes isnt he?" I said, yes. but everyone wants to be good people but they dont know how. You cannot try to help them That is gods work. You just live as you feel is right, and they will live as they do. "
He said, " My daddy is fun and I like him and he is funny and smart, but I know he is sometimes ignorant..."
I felt so proud. I feel like at least he is going to be OK. He is only 5 for petes sake.
I also named the terrible shifting personality that comes out of my A and told him the name. I told him when he goes there, he will be addressed by that name. The name is Badger -----(mothers maiden name/alcoholic family name)
He laughed, but uncomfortably. At least for today I got my footing and some perspective. I am going to make my life work and be who I am. He can make the choice to leave, and if he does, he will live with that.
He told me that when he left yesterday that he almost called his old girls/enablers. He said he feels that he has evolved past that, and wants to be vigilant of his personality shifts when drinking. He gave me permission to videotape him.
I know its all very band aid-ish , but its more than Ive had for two months. I needed a little sign from the universe that my son was just not becoming one of the vampires. I got that.
Small steps, as you are all telling me, one day, one SECOND at a time. I can survive this, today or tonight, but make no mistake, I am making a plan, and I have some friends who are willing to jump when I call to get out when I need that. I also called the shelter and alerted them that I am having intermittent difficulties. I established a contact there, and they DO consider psych and verbal abuse dire. Thank god for that!!
I cannot tell you haow valuable and helpful all your words, posts, links and prayers have been. I am filled with gratitude, and what a strange world outr modern time is, that it is all over a wireless connection. Bless you, good night
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
Hooray for you, Buffalo! Keep watching for those signs that you are on the right track... they will be there, we just have to watch for them.
SO happy you checked in and gave us the update. I've been praying for "Buffalo 66", knowing that God knew who that was! Good for you for being honest with us and with yourself when you are struggling. That takes courage! And blessings to your little guy, who speaks words of wisdom!
God bless, keep posting and know we are here for you.
SO happy you checked in and gave us the update. I've been praying for "Buffalo 66", knowing that God knew who that was! Good for you for being honest with us and with yourself when you are struggling. That takes courage! And blessings to your little guy, who speaks words of wisdom!
God bless, keep posting and know we are here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
He is claiming that I am abusing him again. We had an argument in front of his mother. A was drunk, but not loaded, but was being absolutely ignorant making extreme statemnets. I sat by for a while, but I just cannot keep mum when he is being so idiotic. He was making general racist statements. I was countering his logic. He called me a ****** and I stormed off. I actually yelled that the whole family was afflicted with a terrible case of denial!! His mom was fine, she just rolled with it...But I was in for it. He got out of the car halfway home. He claims I "Made a clown of him in front of his mother for the last time..."
I am a ****** if I do not just agree with whatever extreme, polar, over the top grandiose statement he makes.
He is not home yet, and he may not come back. I cannot gage if I am strong enough to change the locks tomorrow if he does not come home. I will be financially screwed and potentially evicted shortly if I don't make nice with him.
I am so tired of the constant skeptical, cynical, beer fueled negativity. It is a black cloud over each day, and it comes upon us like a flash flood. No warning. All of a sudden he will just start spewing wretched crap about anyone or anything or any race. The bigotry is new. It started about 6 months ago.
He is 31. Has not traveled the world... And he will suddenly turn into a 65 year old bitter man, who has been wronged by life, and God, and the world. It is so weird.
I am a ****** if I do not just agree with whatever extreme, polar, over the top grandiose statement he makes.
He is not home yet, and he may not come back. I cannot gage if I am strong enough to change the locks tomorrow if he does not come home. I will be financially screwed and potentially evicted shortly if I don't make nice with him.
I am so tired of the constant skeptical, cynical, beer fueled negativity. It is a black cloud over each day, and it comes upon us like a flash flood. No warning. All of a sudden he will just start spewing wretched crap about anyone or anything or any race. The bigotry is new. It started about 6 months ago.
He is 31. Has not traveled the world... And he will suddenly turn into a 65 year old bitter man, who has been wronged by life, and God, and the world. It is so weird.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I'd rather live in a hole in the dirt than stay with someone who treats me this way.
What do you mean, "strong enough" to change the locks? Get on the internet while he's gone, find out what resources are avaialbe to you. Call a treatment center and ask them what resources are av. to get an abusive alcoholic out of your house. I'd meet that guy at the door with a shot gun if he came back, **** the law.
YOu can get out and be safe if you take all the time and energy you're using to fight with him and complain about what he's doing and use it to make a plan. Please call that domestic violence place again right now while he's gone and ask about your legal rights and how to get help, not go over and over again what his actions are.
Become proactive. Be bold. Oh, and don't meet him at the door with a shot gun. I have to say that, even though I don't mean it. Sorry..
What do you mean, "strong enough" to change the locks? Get on the internet while he's gone, find out what resources are avaialbe to you. Call a treatment center and ask them what resources are av. to get an abusive alcoholic out of your house. I'd meet that guy at the door with a shot gun if he came back, **** the law.
YOu can get out and be safe if you take all the time and energy you're using to fight with him and complain about what he's doing and use it to make a plan. Please call that domestic violence place again right now while he's gone and ask about your legal rights and how to get help, not go over and over again what his actions are.
Become proactive. Be bold. Oh, and don't meet him at the door with a shot gun. I have to say that, even though I don't mean it. Sorry..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Oh Buffalo...this is madness. Just reading your posts makes me want to slam my head against my desk; you're so strong to just keep getting through every day. However, you don't need to keep doing this. You can chose to take your son and go to a shelter. I know he loves his daddy, and when things stabilize, he'll still be able to see him, but you need some sanity in your life. I hope you realize how skilled this "man" is at twisting everything around, at demeaning you every chance he gets, at accusing YOU of abusing HIM (which is laughable btw) just for the opportunity to feel superior to you.
You don't deserve this. Your son doesn't deserve to live in this kind of madness. You are worthy. And we're here to support you.
Please call back the shelter and stay on the phone until you find a place that's willing to help you get out. Leap out of there and the net will appear.
You don't deserve this. Your son doesn't deserve to live in this kind of madness. You are worthy. And we're here to support you.
Please call back the shelter and stay on the phone until you find a place that's willing to help you get out. Leap out of there and the net will appear.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Buffalo66..I do urge you for your own safety and especially that of your son to safely leave this situation. I know "he loves his father". He is however, a very negative influence on him. He is learning how to bully, abuse, become racist, deflect responsibility, etc. I know how much you love your son..pull on that for the stregnth to make that call to your shelter. Someone else mentioned previously about shelters out of the area.. shelters will work in conjunction with each other to get victims of DV as far away as they need to be..cross country if necissary. Please help your little family to live in a healthy way..that's the best gift you can give your son.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
I will be financially screwed and potentially evicted shortly if I don't make nice with him.
Call a shelter, they will help you get set up, find daycare, get a job. Walk into social services and say "I just left my abusive partner. I have nothing and need help getting a job, finding a place to live, and finding daycare so I can support my child." There are resources out there to help people. Grab them. You have strength inside you. The deep inner strength that a person needs to take a leap of faith. That is a different strength then the kind that just gets you through the day. You are a beautiful, smart, courageous person that deserves beauty in her life. You have all of us praying for you and your son.
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