Before you choose your life partner...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: where the hell am i and what am i doing here?
Posts: 19
Thank you for your post peachteach. I wish I had read it years ago, but like several others admitted, I ignored all the red flags figuring that 'one day' everything would get better...and here I am, years later, and in fact, it's worse.
What concerned me the most was your warning about children. For me, it's too late since I have a 1 1/2 year old. Is it hopeless? How do I minimize the impact of him having an AF? I'm trying to make the right choices now to give him the best chance for a stable, fulfilling life.
What concerned me the most was your warning about children. For me, it's too late since I have a 1 1/2 year old. Is it hopeless? How do I minimize the impact of him having an AF? I'm trying to make the right choices now to give him the best chance for a stable, fulfilling life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 91
I saw my therapist yesterday, and actually talked about this thread. When I first read it, it almost made me cry.
I was raised by a single mother. I always longed to have a father around. I felt inadequate without one. I love my mother and deceased grandmother, and as much as they were always "there," they weren't the most encouraging, supportive people in the world. They seemed almost repressed and fearful of expressing themselves. This could be because my grandfather was an alcoholic, who knows.
Anyway, one of my most dearest dreams for myself, is to have a child (or children) who know a better childhood than I did. One that's not only financially secure, but one where the child has not only me, but a great dad (even if the relationship ends in divorce) who adores that child, supports that child, encourages that child, and is emotionally connected to that child.
When I think of XABF, even in his sober moments, I don't see a man who would have been emotionally connected to our future children. Sure, he would have physically been around and been there for the important moments in the child's life, but I don't think he would have been emotionally invested or connected.
He says he loves children and thinks they're oh so great, but even in our best moments, when he was happy and sober at that moment, there was a lack of connection between us. As much as I intellectually knew that he loved me, I never really got the sense that he was "present" in our relationship. He did obligatory things because that's what you're supposed to do when you're a good BF, not because he actually wanted to be there for me to support me.
Am I making sense?
I was raised by a single mother. I always longed to have a father around. I felt inadequate without one. I love my mother and deceased grandmother, and as much as they were always "there," they weren't the most encouraging, supportive people in the world. They seemed almost repressed and fearful of expressing themselves. This could be because my grandfather was an alcoholic, who knows.
Anyway, one of my most dearest dreams for myself, is to have a child (or children) who know a better childhood than I did. One that's not only financially secure, but one where the child has not only me, but a great dad (even if the relationship ends in divorce) who adores that child, supports that child, encourages that child, and is emotionally connected to that child.
When I think of XABF, even in his sober moments, I don't see a man who would have been emotionally connected to our future children. Sure, he would have physically been around and been there for the important moments in the child's life, but I don't think he would have been emotionally invested or connected.
He says he loves children and thinks they're oh so great, but even in our best moments, when he was happy and sober at that moment, there was a lack of connection between us. As much as I intellectually knew that he loved me, I never really got the sense that he was "present" in our relationship. He did obligatory things because that's what you're supposed to do when you're a good BF, not because he actually wanted to be there for me to support me.
Am I making sense?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by wicked 
yes, gingercharlie, it makes sense to me
someone kind of playing a part, not really invested.
just doing it because "this is what is done"
beth
someone kind of playing a part, not really invested.
just doing it because "this is what is done"
beth
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by gingercharlie
What's hard to figure out, is whether he was playing a part because the alcoholism makes him... numb? Or whether he was playing a part because he just wasn't interested in me/the relationship.
Alcoholism and personality disorders are never about the other person. You did not cause him to behave that way and nothing you do, or could have done, will make relationships 'click' for him. He isn't capable.
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