Before you choose your life partner...
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Before you choose your life partner...
I wish I could reach someone with this message, someone who is just starting out in a rocky relationship with an alcoholic boyfriend or girlfriend and is unsure about whether to continue trying with this person. I really was you, 30 some years ago. I met my (now ex) AH and instantly fell in love, was just sure that we were destined for each other. I stayed throughout what I NOW can see were sure signs of alcoholism and struggles to come, had children with this man, watched him stay sober for 14 years only to relapse, and ultimately divorce him.
But that is not my message. My message is the future I passed on to my children, now in THEIR 20's like I was back then, now assuming the role with our "A" that I abandoned with divorce. I did not see this coming, this lifetime of grief and sadness and worry and pain that I gave to my kids. When your kids are little and growing up, you try daily to make them happy, care for them, keep them from harm, hope that they grow up to be happy, successful, thriving adults. Never did I think that I would be contributing to their pain as adults by choosing an alcoholic co-parent. I had no idea back then, when I was SURE that I was going to make a difference in my husband's life, that I was THE one who could help him find happiness, peace and serenity, that I would one day pass him and his pain and sadness onto my own grown children.
Even in my divorce I thought I was doing the right thing for my kids. But without me there as the "buffer" to protect them from their alcoholic father, now they have to learn all the lessons that I went through regarding codependency, detachment, and self-care.
Girls, and guys, who are young and just starting out in relationships with others, people that you are considering making your life partners and spouses, I wish you could see the mistakes you are making with these sad choices, not just for yourselves, but for your future children. Now, my son and daughter will, for the rest of their lives, deal with an alcoholic father. And their children with an alcoholic grandfather. It is so sad, and it is not something a parent ever means to bestow on her children when they are young and we have such hopes and dreams for them.
I made a big mistake when I was young; I was naive, hopeful, and also the daughter of an alcoholic. Now I've done the same thing to my own daughter, and my heart breaks for her on a regular basis.
Please rethink your relationships; please try to imagine the future you are going to create for your children. There are so many non-alcoholic men and women out there to choose from for life partners. You deserve to be happy, and so do your future children.
But that is not my message. My message is the future I passed on to my children, now in THEIR 20's like I was back then, now assuming the role with our "A" that I abandoned with divorce. I did not see this coming, this lifetime of grief and sadness and worry and pain that I gave to my kids. When your kids are little and growing up, you try daily to make them happy, care for them, keep them from harm, hope that they grow up to be happy, successful, thriving adults. Never did I think that I would be contributing to their pain as adults by choosing an alcoholic co-parent. I had no idea back then, when I was SURE that I was going to make a difference in my husband's life, that I was THE one who could help him find happiness, peace and serenity, that I would one day pass him and his pain and sadness onto my own grown children.
Even in my divorce I thought I was doing the right thing for my kids. But without me there as the "buffer" to protect them from their alcoholic father, now they have to learn all the lessons that I went through regarding codependency, detachment, and self-care.
Girls, and guys, who are young and just starting out in relationships with others, people that you are considering making your life partners and spouses, I wish you could see the mistakes you are making with these sad choices, not just for yourselves, but for your future children. Now, my son and daughter will, for the rest of their lives, deal with an alcoholic father. And their children with an alcoholic grandfather. It is so sad, and it is not something a parent ever means to bestow on her children when they are young and we have such hopes and dreams for them.
I made a big mistake when I was young; I was naive, hopeful, and also the daughter of an alcoholic. Now I've done the same thing to my own daughter, and my heart breaks for her on a regular basis.
Please rethink your relationships; please try to imagine the future you are going to create for your children. There are so many non-alcoholic men and women out there to choose from for life partners. You deserve to be happy, and so do your future children.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 19
Word. I am counting my blessings that I'm out of what could have been a bad bad thing for me. The thing that gets me the most is the drastic swing in behavior, from totally nevous and anxious and insecure to confident, laughing, etc. The pendulum swings in the other direction unexpectedly, and then I get to watch someone suffer in his own self-hatred.
Remember that you loved. Remember that you gave someone a chance. There is no sin in that. People choose to let their sorrows overwhelm them. We have a free will. And your children will always love you no matter what. It's not your fault.
Remember that you loved. Remember that you gave someone a chance. There is no sin in that. People choose to let their sorrows overwhelm them. We have a free will. And your children will always love you no matter what. It's not your fault.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by peaceteach 
Please rethink your relationships; please try to imagine the future you are going to create for your children. There are so many non-alcoholic men and women out there to choose from for life partners. You deserve to be happy, and so do your future children.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by peaceteach
Now, my son and daughter will, for the rest of their lives, deal with an alcoholic father. And their children with an alcoholic grandfather. It is so sad, and it is not something a parent ever means to bestow on her children when they are young and we have such hopes and dreams for them.
I made a big mistake when I was young; I was naive, hopeful, and also the daughter of an alcoholic. Now I've done the same thing to my own daughter, and my heart breaks for her on a regular basis.
I made a big mistake when I was young; I was naive, hopeful, and also the daughter of an alcoholic. Now I've done the same thing to my own daughter, and my heart breaks for her on a regular basis.
It is sad. I know that sadness too well, and spent a couple of days pretty well immersed in it last weekend.
I have watched my youngest daughter, whose 'sober' father has been next to non-existent in her life, enmesh herself with an active alcoholic for a boyfriend.
It's like my life played out again when I was younger, and that brings along old pain, old memories, with new pain.
This is where my recovery is so important to me. My sponsor explained it to me that our lives are like this big 55 gallon drum sitting outside, full of water, and sometimes crap comes floating to the top, and we skim it off. We work the steps to forgive self for past. We skim off the crap.
It's a never-ending process. Sometimes I've gone years without crap floating to the top of that drum, but when it does, it's time to do some more intensive step work.
We cannot change the past, but the good news is we can be examples of what recovery looks like. We may be the only example of recovery our kids/grandkids see, you know?
That gives me hope, and keeps me from living in the sadness a great deal of my days.
We didn't have a program, we didn't have recovery when we were in our disease.
Our children/grandchildren are being exposed to recovery as they are a part of our lives today!
That is one of the beautiful things about recovery. The blessings are countless! sometimes we don't even see them.
We can feel sad, but we don't have to live in the sadness day after day.
Give your heavy burden to God, and embrace the wonder of your recovery.
Those children/grandchildren will be watching, I promise.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 94
Do we choose the people we fall in love with? Fate, horomones, destiny, higher power... whatever it may be, I don't believe we are able to pick who we want to fall in love with. Sure, once we're with them, we can then choose if we want to remain with them. It is up to all what path you take and how you cope and deal with things. The original post makes me refer to my post entitled "Disheartened".
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I disagree. I think we absolutely pick who we fall in love with. There are varying levels of awareness that this is what we are doing but, for me, I have no doubt that we choose them.
We choose who to date, who to spend our time on, what we find important, what we will or will not accept, and for some people - like me - I think I made choices based on what I was comfortable with, what I knew, what I would settle for, how I felt about me when I was with that person. Our basic emotional health directs those choices, but they are choices.
I can remember two men that were interested in me at the same time. Shocking right there as I was never a man magnet by any stretch, lol. It was all very light, nothing serious. Know who I picked to continue a relationship with? I CHOSE the alcoholic. The one that was as dysfunctional as I was, or maybe even a hair more wounded. I was comfortable with that one. The other guy was great - and I felt insecure, uncomfortable, less then, afraid, like a fraud. I didn't have a clue what to do or how to behave. I ran away from healthy and towards unhealthy.
And see, now this is what I've given my children. I believe they will have a choice about who they fall in love with, but which choices will they make? What will drive them?
I spent 16 years with that alcoholic - and looking back he was an alcoholic from day one. I didn't fall inexplicably and hopeless in love with him the first day I met him. I chose him. Despite all the glaring red flags, the unease in the pit of my stomach, the unhappiness, the lack of emotional or financial security, the lack of trust, etc. I still chose him - maybe because all those feelings were what I already knew. I could deal with those better then the fear of rejection and 'outing' and risk that came with healthy.
No one wants to leave that legacy for the kids, yet any kind of relationship with alcoholism will do just that.
We choose who to date, who to spend our time on, what we find important, what we will or will not accept, and for some people - like me - I think I made choices based on what I was comfortable with, what I knew, what I would settle for, how I felt about me when I was with that person. Our basic emotional health directs those choices, but they are choices.
I can remember two men that were interested in me at the same time. Shocking right there as I was never a man magnet by any stretch, lol. It was all very light, nothing serious. Know who I picked to continue a relationship with? I CHOSE the alcoholic. The one that was as dysfunctional as I was, or maybe even a hair more wounded. I was comfortable with that one. The other guy was great - and I felt insecure, uncomfortable, less then, afraid, like a fraud. I didn't have a clue what to do or how to behave. I ran away from healthy and towards unhealthy.
And see, now this is what I've given my children. I believe they will have a choice about who they fall in love with, but which choices will they make? What will drive them?
I spent 16 years with that alcoholic - and looking back he was an alcoholic from day one. I didn't fall inexplicably and hopeless in love with him the first day I met him. I chose him. Despite all the glaring red flags, the unease in the pit of my stomach, the unhappiness, the lack of emotional or financial security, the lack of trust, etc. I still chose him - maybe because all those feelings were what I already knew. I could deal with those better then the fear of rejection and 'outing' and risk that came with healthy.
No one wants to leave that legacy for the kids, yet any kind of relationship with alcoholism will do just that.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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I'm with Thumper on this. Totally a choice we make. Maybe partially subconscious, but still a choice.
In fact, I've come to hate the phrase "falling in love" because it implies helplessness and victimhood. Like walking down the street and just falling into a hole. That's not how it works, at all.
L
In fact, I've come to hate the phrase "falling in love" because it implies helplessness and victimhood. Like walking down the street and just falling into a hole. That's not how it works, at all.
L
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I could not agree more, Thumper.
Saying that we are powerless over the spell of Love, or Fate or Destiny, is not taking responsibility for our choices.
I believe that God or the Universe, does put people in our path. All the time, every day probably. Whom we choose to respond to or not, is what makes all the difference (in good ways as well as not-so-good).
I kinda think that if you believe that God destins two people to be together, then you also don't believe in free will.
Peaceteach,
THANK YOU for your heart-felt post. If just a couple of people would read it, and take it to heart, not thinking that they are the exception, huh?
It is clear how much you love your children, and that you are riddled with guilt. I would say, that everything you have been through - and by extension, your children - has put you in the place you are today: good, bad, pretty, ugly, YOU, warts and all. Same with all of us. And it is clear what a beautiful heart you have. Anyway, I'm not saying it very well, what I'm trying for....but the wonderful and caring and AWARE person you are today, is the sum of all of your life thus far. I think you can give yourself a bit of a break.
Saying that we are powerless over the spell of Love, or Fate or Destiny, is not taking responsibility for our choices.
I believe that God or the Universe, does put people in our path. All the time, every day probably. Whom we choose to respond to or not, is what makes all the difference (in good ways as well as not-so-good).
I kinda think that if you believe that God destins two people to be together, then you also don't believe in free will.
Peaceteach,
THANK YOU for your heart-felt post. If just a couple of people would read it, and take it to heart, not thinking that they are the exception, huh?
It is clear how much you love your children, and that you are riddled with guilt. I would say, that everything you have been through - and by extension, your children - has put you in the place you are today: good, bad, pretty, ugly, YOU, warts and all. Same with all of us. And it is clear what a beautiful heart you have. Anyway, I'm not saying it very well, what I'm trying for....but the wonderful and caring and AWARE person you are today, is the sum of all of your life thus far. I think you can give yourself a bit of a break.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Thumper
I didn't fall inexplicably and hopeless in love with him the first day I met him. I chose him. Despite all the glaring red flags, the unease in the pit of my stomach, the unhappiness, the lack of emotional or financial security, the lack of trust, etc. I still chose him - maybe because all those feelings were what I already knew.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 13
So this post hits me so close to home it gets me upset. But I'm learning to address my feelings and learn I can't change the past or anyone else, just me.
Thanks for sharing and allowing me to look at my concerns in the face. All I can do now is change myself and hopefully that will change my almost 1 year old's son's future (no matter that he has an AD).
Thanks for sharing and allowing me to look at my concerns in the face. All I can do now is change myself and hopefully that will change my almost 1 year old's son's future (no matter that he has an AD).
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
I never dreamt in my wildest imaginings that I was marrying someone with the destructive potential my partner has. If I made a choice, it was definitely a subconscious one. Of the sixteen years we had together, fourteen were good years. But people change.
Now I'm in a situation I would not wish on anyone I care for. If I have any advice for someone knowingly going into a relationship with someone who abuses alcohol (or whatever), it would be to examine your choices with brutal honesty. If you're coming up with things like "he/she is the love of my life" I'd say you would do better to first spend some time in therapy uncovering your own motivation to be in such a relationship.
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is like being in one of those dreams where some creature is chasing you but for some reason you can't run. In other words, you're running just to stand still. While other couples are sharing their lives in a positive way, you're on a treadmill, exhausted and going nowhere mostly. You get to notice this stuff when you're in a bad space. What most couples call "problems" you eventually find laughable - your own relationship with your alcoholic partner is just that many levels more crazy that you actually envy ordinary couples their ups and downs.
Now I'm in a situation I would not wish on anyone I care for. If I have any advice for someone knowingly going into a relationship with someone who abuses alcohol (or whatever), it would be to examine your choices with brutal honesty. If you're coming up with things like "he/she is the love of my life" I'd say you would do better to first spend some time in therapy uncovering your own motivation to be in such a relationship.
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is like being in one of those dreams where some creature is chasing you but for some reason you can't run. In other words, you're running just to stand still. While other couples are sharing their lives in a positive way, you're on a treadmill, exhausted and going nowhere mostly. You get to notice this stuff when you're in a bad space. What most couples call "problems" you eventually find laughable - your own relationship with your alcoholic partner is just that many levels more crazy that you actually envy ordinary couples their ups and downs.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Thank you for a great post, PeaceTeach. You have shared your wisdom in a really meaningful way. I have lived both worlds. I'm the daughter of an AF and I was married to an AH for 11 years. I'm now working on recovering from another relationship with an XABF. I know that doesn't sound very encouraging, but I just wanted to say a few things.
Did my father's alcoholism and his abandonment of my family have anything to do with my adult problems? Absolutely, BUT, because of my mother's strength, faith, and wisdom, I have known for years that I am in a much, much better place than I could have been given our truly sh***y circumstances when AF left us.
She got tough, immediately, and never looked back. Finished her college degree with 4 kids under age 7. Got a job right away, and then met and married my stepdad, a remarkable man who was the best thing that could have happened to us. We actually grew up in a stable, fun, loving home where they taught us the value of hard work and how to love eachother like family should. There were 8 of us kids (his, hers, one together, and one adopted.)
You have what she did--love for your children and wisdom to go with it. Your daughter will have you for support and guidance, and even if she makes less-than-perfect decisions for her life (like I have done), she will be okay. It is what it is, and everything you have learned will help her along the way.
The one thing that would have made a difference for me, I think, was to TALK more with my mom about my potential for choosing unhealthy relationships. I knew even in my 20's that I had the potential to marry the wrong kind of guy based on my history with AF.
I think I assumed, and my mom did too, that because I had such a great stepdad and happy life after the age of 7 that I would pick someone like stepdad. My mom lived by great example, but we just didn't talk enough, plain and simple. I think I could have worked out some serious abandment issues and had some healing in place before I picked my XAH. Counseling for divorce and alcoholism issues was pretty non-existent (to my knowledge, anyway) back in the late 70's, so that wasn't even a thought in my parents' heads, I'm sure. But we have so many more tools available to us now for our own children and for ourselves. We can do so much to guide our children in ways that we weren't guided ourselves.
You sound remarkable! I understand your deep concern for your children, especially your daughter, as I have three daughters myself. I worry about their futures, too (two teenagers and a pre-teen). Will they have to suffer them miserable pain that I have endured based on my own unhealthy issues as well as their dad's alcoholism? They might, but I will (and do) talk, talk, talk to them openly about seeking out and choosing healthy relationships. I'm doing the best I know how for them and that's all any of us can do.
You are a strong, remarkable parent, and I say thanks for sharing your wisdom!
Did my father's alcoholism and his abandonment of my family have anything to do with my adult problems? Absolutely, BUT, because of my mother's strength, faith, and wisdom, I have known for years that I am in a much, much better place than I could have been given our truly sh***y circumstances when AF left us.
She got tough, immediately, and never looked back. Finished her college degree with 4 kids under age 7. Got a job right away, and then met and married my stepdad, a remarkable man who was the best thing that could have happened to us. We actually grew up in a stable, fun, loving home where they taught us the value of hard work and how to love eachother like family should. There were 8 of us kids (his, hers, one together, and one adopted.)
You have what she did--love for your children and wisdom to go with it. Your daughter will have you for support and guidance, and even if she makes less-than-perfect decisions for her life (like I have done), she will be okay. It is what it is, and everything you have learned will help her along the way.
The one thing that would have made a difference for me, I think, was to TALK more with my mom about my potential for choosing unhealthy relationships. I knew even in my 20's that I had the potential to marry the wrong kind of guy based on my history with AF.
I think I assumed, and my mom did too, that because I had such a great stepdad and happy life after the age of 7 that I would pick someone like stepdad. My mom lived by great example, but we just didn't talk enough, plain and simple. I think I could have worked out some serious abandment issues and had some healing in place before I picked my XAH. Counseling for divorce and alcoholism issues was pretty non-existent (to my knowledge, anyway) back in the late 70's, so that wasn't even a thought in my parents' heads, I'm sure. But we have so many more tools available to us now for our own children and for ourselves. We can do so much to guide our children in ways that we weren't guided ourselves.
You sound remarkable! I understand your deep concern for your children, especially your daughter, as I have three daughters myself. I worry about their futures, too (two teenagers and a pre-teen). Will they have to suffer them miserable pain that I have endured based on my own unhealthy issues as well as their dad's alcoholism? They might, but I will (and do) talk, talk, talk to them openly about seeking out and choosing healthy relationships. I'm doing the best I know how for them and that's all any of us can do.
You are a strong, remarkable parent, and I say thanks for sharing your wisdom!
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
I was watching Joel Osteen the other day and now I am going to have to find that passage.
Basically his remarks were along the line of Goodness is handed down through the generations and God blesses those forward for that Goodness.
Bad things, too, are handed down generations, and well, the blessings not quite so remarkable.
His idea, as I understood it, was sometimes, when you struggle to do what is right, or follow God's path, to stop, and consider the fact that you may be effecting the blessings of your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, so on and so forth.
That is just the generalization of it, and I don't mean to offend anyone with my general perception. It is just the way I think about things. Perhaps someday years in the future one of my great great great grandchildren, will be spared, by me doing the right thing today.
Your post made me think of that.
Basically his remarks were along the line of Goodness is handed down through the generations and God blesses those forward for that Goodness.
Bad things, too, are handed down generations, and well, the blessings not quite so remarkable.
His idea, as I understood it, was sometimes, when you struggle to do what is right, or follow God's path, to stop, and consider the fact that you may be effecting the blessings of your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, so on and so forth.
That is just the generalization of it, and I don't mean to offend anyone with my general perception. It is just the way I think about things. Perhaps someday years in the future one of my great great great grandchildren, will be spared, by me doing the right thing today.
Your post made me think of that.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
We make these choices in vain hope that one day the abusive destructive partner will change. We dont understand what it is to be in a healthy, loving relationship, so when we are faced with one we run away to the seemingly 'familiar' destructive one, that will do us no good. Our feelings and emotions play such a large role in this too. If we feel love for that person then they must be ok, regardless of what our heads tell us.
I want children one day, but I will only settle for a man that will provide the best future possible for them. If I never find that man, then I will not have children.
I want children one day, but I will only settle for a man that will provide the best future possible for them. If I never find that man, then I will not have children.
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