gingercharlie

Hello everyone. I am new here. I have been reading threads here for the past few days, and figured now is as good as any time to open up myself. I’m warning you, this will be long.

My boyfriend of 18+ months (we are both 32), broke up with me “out of the blue” about 10 days ago. It completely floored me. Came completely out of the blue. He said that he had fallen out of love with me. I asked how and when. He said that he’d been unhappy “for a long time” because I had been “picking on him.” His examples (two) made no sense whatsoever - I wasn't "picking on him" at all.

I had NO IDEA he was unhappy in our relationship. In fact, every sign he sent my way told me that he thought I was “The One” and wanted to live happily ever after with me. We were planning a future together. In late April, about 6 weeks before the breakup, he “formally” asked me to move in (we already lived together for all intents and purposes, but he wanted it to be a special “moment”), and when I asked him what that would mean for us and our future, he told me I could expect a proposal within 6 months. He also talked about how he’d go about buying me a ring, and how he wanted our wedding to be, and who he wanted to invite, what he wanted to name our first son. I pretty much already lived with him, having not slept in my own apartment for almost a year. As of last weekend, I was 2 weeks away from “officially” moving in with him. I had already turned in my 30 day notice at my apartment (he drove me to turn it in), had turned off my power, and even put a deposit down on a mover. 2 days before he broke up with me, he bought me a plane ticket for a trip we were to take this upcoming weekend and I bought bedding for a big new bed we were buying together. We planted a garden together the day before he broke up with me.

I mean, it was all right there… I didn’t have ANY doubts that we’d get married, that I’d join his family. All of my assumptions were long-term, and that was because of things he said and did. When his twin brother got married last month, he continued to talk about how we would do it differently. There was never any sign to me that I wasn’t “The One,” or that he didn’t foresee us living happily ever after together. In fact, he made it clear to me that that’s where we were headed, it was only a matter of time.

Because of all of the assurances he gave me, I had never felt so secure, safe, and comfortable in a relationship. I trusted him with every fiber of my being, more than my own mother. I honestly thought if the relationship ever ended, it would be MY choosing, not his. But apparently, all of that comfort was a figment of my imagination, because he’d been unhappy for months, and just “going with the flow.” How ironic, that as I was growing more and more secure and safe, he was becoming more and more uncomfortable and wanting out.

During the breakup, he cried. It was sincere emotion – he’s never cried in front of me, not even at his buddy’s funeral. He seemed truly tortured to tell me that he didn't want to continue the relationship anymore. The night before we broke up, we had had a small argument (really, a one-sided argument, which was me getting mad at him again about his drinking). The morning of our breakup, when I wanted to talk about the night before (his drinking), the first words out of his mouth were, "We both know where this relationship is headed." I had no idea what he was talking about! His stated reason was that “I wasn’t the one for him” and that he had fallen out of love with me, that I wasn’t the person he fell in love with anymore, because I wasn’t fun anymore, and had been picking on him and challenging him.

I didn't understand what he meant by "picking on him" (because I wasn't thinking about how I was getting upset about the drinking), and I asked him why he never talked to me about this before, that he was unhappy, or felt that I was picking on him. He said he did, or that he tried, but that I just never listened. He says that he tried to bring up how unhappy he was by saying, “You need to be nicer to me.” Admittedly, he had said that probably 3 times in the past 6 months. Thing is, I had said the same thing to him. But we have an inside joke that’s like this, so I thought that he was saying it in that joking way. I totally missed the fact that he was being serious, or that there was a bigger problem underneath. He never communicated it to me.

We also just got back from Kauai, and when I asked how he could take me on such a wonderful trip (which was the best trip of MY life) and still continue to act like we'd be together forever if he was so unhappy, he said that it was like a test to see if something would magically change and he’d be happy with me. Apparently, other than a few bursts of fun times, he had a horrible time there. He said, “If you can’t have fun in Hawaii…” (and we know what that means). That literally crushed me; all of my happy memories with him were completely one-sided.

He also said that he felt pressured to get married. This really confused me, because I felt like I was just following his lead… particularly because of the promises he made me. But now I can see why he may have felt some pressure. We didn’t communicate well about what our expectations about moving in together, and what that meant. And then after he said I could expect a ring in 6 months, I would occasionally joke about where my ring was and how everyone around us was getting married. He’d laugh or roll his eyes, but never seem uncomfortable. We’ve also been surrounded by weddings (including his twin’s) and engagements and overall commitment hoopla. Admittedly, I also had weddings on the brain…but really, that was because of what HE said and did. I didn’t come up with it on my own. But in any event, he was feeling pressure… caused by both of us, really.

Anyway, when he broke up with me, I was crushed and confused. At first, he said he’d give us a second chance. Then hours later, after talking with his brother, he changed his mind and became almost robotic in how he talked to me. I was completely lost. I couldn't comprehend what was happening. I felt like I had ruined everything; that it was all my fault for this “picking on him” thing. We've spoken since a few times (about logistics of me moving out), and the thing that has stuck with me the most is that he says he's "relieved that our relationship is over."

It was like he did a complete 180 from just a few weeks before. His parents, two of the kindest and warmest people I had ever met, were full on CRUEL to me – particularly his dad (may be important for later). He looked at me like I was the devil! They came over the night we broke up to support him, not knowing I was there. They were annoyed that I was still there, and not at my apartment. I had to explain to them that I didn’t really have an apartment: I was set to move in, I had turned in my notice, I didn’t even have power! His mom seemed surprised to learn that we were pretty much already living together. His dad told me that no good could come of me staying at the ex’s house that night (in one of his 3 guest rooms, seeing as I had nowhere to go!) and that I needed to leave. That crushed me. And when my ex suggested he’d just go stay at his brother’s house that night, his mom basically said she didn’t trust me to be in the house alone. WTF? It’s like, what is he telling them about me? So there I was, heartbroken and basically homeless, I had to search for a new place to live in a very short period of time. Ultimately, I was able to rescind my notice and renew my lease where I currently am. It was when I returned to my apartment (which I hadn’t even been to in MONTHS!) that I had my first giant epiphany.

The short story on MY end (as in where I went wrong) is this: I lost who I was in the relationship. I let go of my friends and other relationships and stopped doing things I enjoyed and that made me happy. The list of things I gave up in order to put my relationship first is pretty long. I didn’t realize I was doing that, or had even done it, until this breakup. I mean, yes, I subconsciously realized over time, “Hmm, I don’t see my friends much anymore, just his. Well, that’s okay, because they’re my friends now too, and always will be.” And, “Hmm, I don’t play tennis anymore, or go to the gym. I really enjoyed that, and now I’m gaining weight, but with all the time we spend skiing, I guess I just don’t have time. That’s okay, I’m a skiier now.” So see, I was aware of how I was letting things go, but I justified it to myself. Intellectually I knew I needed to have my own life and my own things to keep me happy, particularly with regards to fitness and exercise, but somehow I just wasn’t able to put it into action. His things/activities became my own, partly because I felt that if I didn't cancel MY plans, he sure as sh*t wasn't going to cancel HIS plans, so in order to spend time together I had to do what I had to do. And in the back of my mind, I figured if I took time away from the relationship to focus on myself, that would be selfish. I didn’t realize that I was actually hurting myself, and my relationship, and therefore my BF, by not keeping myself fulfilled and happy. And because I had “let myself go,” I was unhappy...but in a sort of apathetic way.

Because I had nothing else in my life to make me happy, he became my entire world. I ended up relying on him and making him responsible for my happiness. But guess what? He couldn’t make me happy, I needed to be happy with myself. But because he couldn’t make me happy, because he wasn’t enough, I started getting irritated with him more easily. And because he was my sole form of happiness, he was also my sole form of stress relief. I took out my stress (from outside factors) as well as my frustration with myself on him. Because I was unhappy with myself, I didn’t treat him the way he deserved to be treated. I was exactly what he said I was: I picked on him, challenged him, just wasn’t nice to him.

That said, here's my second epiphany: I don’t recall ever biting his head off about non-drinking things. The MAJORITY of this poor behavior on my part was because I was starting to really think, “He’s all I have, and I think he may have a serious drinking problem. I’m going to have to live like this forever. I'm going to be alone (because he's "checked out" when he's been drinking).”

So yes, if I'm honest with myself, I did frequently pick on him and challenge him about his drinking. And I’m not sure that had anything to do with how happy/unhappy I was with myself – it very well may have happened if I was the happiest person alive. Anyway, I wasn’t quite sure of the timing of it, so I went back through my email, where I found an email I sent to him, emails I had sent to other friends, and even postings I had made on another forum about his drinking. I first addressed real concern with him in November of last year. I had written him an email in the middle of the night, as he laid passed out. I told him that his choice to drink was putting drinking before our relationship, and that it was hurting me and our relationship. He acknowledged he’d had too much the night before, and promised to be better. But, he didn’t. In December, I was posting about it on a relationship forum. In February, I started reaching out to my friends who didn't know him. I didn't talk to my friends because I didn't want them to judge him or our relationship, or think it any less blissful than I had portrayed it to them or to myself.

Iin early May, I reached out to his then- soon-to-be-sister in law, who I had become good friends with over the past year (she and twin his brother were married last month too). Ex is a twin. His SIL is a twin too. In reaching out to her, I was just wanting to know whether her fiance (ex's brother) drank just as much. In my mind, I thought if they drank the same amount and as often, then it just must be something they do - not something that's a real problem. When I reached out to her, just weeks before her wedding to Jess’s twin brother, she seemed to have some very appropriate comments: that he may be in a funk because his twin brother is getting married. She relayed that she had been depressed and in a funk when her twin sister got married too. She suggested I just give it some time, give him time to realize that his relationship with his brother will still be the same. I thought she might be spot on, but that was because at the time I wasn’t really cognizant of how long it had been going on.

Anyway, the extent of his drinking is pretty much this: On average, he drinks a bottle of wine a night. Sometimes only two-thirds of a bottle, sometimes more than a bottle. But that’s the average. Other than a week he took off before a half-marathon, I cannot remember a day where he didn’t drink, and have at least 2-3 drinks. For the most part, it’s either wine or beer. The beer he likes is a fancy beer that comes in a 750ml bottle. Its alcohol content is equal to or more than wine. He can fill a very large beer stein twice with that bottle. He’ll have a bottle of that beer (which is the equivalent to 4.5 glasses of wine) and say he had a “couple beers.” On an average Saturday, he’ll have TWO big bottles of beer (equivalent to 9 glasses of wine), and maybe also another half bottle of wine or more (another 2-3 glasses), over the course of about 5-6 hours. He keeps a supply of at least 12 bottles of wine on hand, at all times. He buys it by the caseload. I don’t drink much, maybe a glass here and there, and he’d always offer me wine or champagne… and would even “good girl!” me if I decided to have a glass. In fact, we seemed to get along better when I imbibed with him.

Is that even a lot to drink? I don't know...

The thing that’s always thrown me off, is that he’s so incredibly physically fit. He eats well, but he does have an extra 15-20 pounds on him, but his fitness level is amazing. He runs at least 3 miles almost every day, and sometimes goes for longer runs. The only nights where he regularly does NOT have more than a two glasses of wine is on the two nights before his bootcamp classes, because he doesn’t want to feel it the next day (which tells me he feels it all other days). Like I said, he HAS gone an entire week without a drink (which was a big deal to him), thinking it would help his performance at a half-marathon at the end of that week. So it makes me think that maybe he CAN go without drinking; it’s like he chooses not to.

Now, what I’ve described in terms of alcohol volume may not seem a lot to you, particularly because he’s a big guy - he’s 6’3’’ and 225 lbs. At first blush, you’d think he’d be able to handle it. But after a full bottle – of wine or beer – he becomes visibly intoxicated. He’ll be slurring, and get what I have referred to as “drunk eye” (like his eyes don’t look even and look like he’s looking right through you, can’t focus). He also can’t really have a give-and-take conversation, he’s just not all there. He’ll just sit on the couch watching TV, or surfing the internet. He’s a pretty boring drinker. But if out with others, he may even become argumentative. And with another glass or two after the “drunk eye”, he will start stumbling around. If he’s been drinking and he’s cooking dinner or something, you can tell that he’s having to concentrate very hard on what he’s doing. It’s like watching a toddler learn how to walk. It’s almost sad to watch. And he has *some* of the physical signs (that I’ve found from research) of alcoholism, like his nose is getting a little bulbous, and he has a VERY rapid heart rate at almost all times.

This "drunk eye" thing happens on average of 3-4 nights a week. He does the stumbling probably once a week, maybe every 10 days.

I have felt weird talking about this with anyone because I feel like I’m being uptight or something, because I’m not really a drinker. Probably 3 glasses of wine a week, if that. But when we first started dating, I was drinking more (and feeling it). So it's hard for me to guage when his drinking increased, or if it's actually been that way all along. Back then, we’d go out to dinner, or make dinner, and split a bottle of wine or more. But once the initial dating stage wore off (about 4 months), I started lightening up. And once I lightened up, I started noticing how much he really drinks.

My biggest concern with his drinking has always been that he does the majority of it ALONE. If he was having a little too much while out with friends, or at a BBQ with friends, etc., I don’t think it would bother me as much. Don’t get me wrong, he does drink with friends too (and when he does, it’s WAY more than what I listed above), but it’s the fact that he’s drinking so much ALONE that really concerns me. I’d come home from work around 6:30-7 (he gets home around 4:45), and he’d already have what I referred to as “drunk eye.” I could leave the house around 2pm on a Saturday to run some errands, and when I’d get back, he’d be visibly intoxicated - midday. He hydrates when gardening with beer. We’d start watching a movie together, with a glass of wine each. I’d fall asleep (I often fall asleep on the couch mid-movie), and when I’d wake up, he’d be drunk, having finished several LARGE glasses alone.

He claims he just really loves the taste of the beer and wine - but sometimes he chugs it like water, to the point where I can't even see how he's tasting it!! Ya know? And it really seems like he can’t relax and enjoy himself unless alcohol is involved. And remember how he said he didn’t have fun in Hawaii? Well, miraculously, he didn’t get drunk in Hawaii – not once, and at my request. Is that why he didn’t have fun and couldn’t loosen up? He drank for sure, but I don’t think I ever even saw him buzzed.

He and I talked about my concerns several times. I started bringing it up way back in November, because I started getting upset that our real quality time together was spent with him drunk - such that I felt/feel like I cannot even have a normal conversation with him because he's just not "all there" and isn't processing what I'm saying. Each time we’d have one of these talks, he would first deny that he'd been drinking too much, then he’d acknowledge that he'd had too much to drink that day/night before, and promise to be better and lighten up. He’d go pretty much cold turkey (not really what I was suggesting, just “lighter” drinking) for 2-3 days (in my presence, anyway), and then it would start again...and get heavy again. During these times, I also think he hid his drinking from me. Literally, the bottle would be 1/2 full...I’d go upstairs for a second or go to the bathroom, and when I come back down the entire bottle would be empty. Poof. And he wouldn’t look me in the eye, and the "drunk eye" and slurring would instantly appear.

Anyway, him-drinking-followed-by-me-complaining-about-him-being-drunk-or-having-drunk-eye went on and on for months. Like, the entire period in which he says he’s been unhappy. I reached out to other friends, I reached out to his soon-to-be SIL. I told him about my efforts to find out if his drinking was normal, and that I was reaching the conclusion that it wasn’t, that I felt that he might have a problem. In fact, I have flatly told him that he has a problem.

This went on and on, with me often coming home to him with “drunk eye” or sitting there watching him drink, and me getting annoyed and saying, “You have drunk eye again, you’re getting drunk.” He would in turn get annoyed at me, and act like I was picking on him. I was always concerned, but admittedly I was also annoyed and stressed. I’d think, “He’s my entire world, my everything, I love this man with every fiber of my being… and I think he has a problem, but he’s not acknowledging it and I have nowhere to turn to… is this all I’m gonna get out of this relationship?” Also, if he’d been drinking, we couldn’t really have enjoyable sex, because he couldn’t finish. All of this made me sad, and angry, and well… I am sure it affected the way I interacted with him in general.

I became more and more concerned about his drinking. I think it was at some point in May (AFTER he’d asked me to move in and told me we’d be engaged in 6 months), that we had a pretty serious talk. This was after a day/night of him getting drunk on his own to the stumbling point, which was the very day after I had to take him home early at 10pm from his brother’s bachelor party [where he’s the best man] because he couldn’t even stand up – literally, falling over). During that conversation, I asked him: "When we have a 2 year old toddler running around, are you still going to be like this?" (I was thinking, "It's a phase, it's a phase!") His response? "No, I won't be like this." I also told him I wouldn’t be moving in if he couldn't figure out a way to moderate his drinking. I also told him that I was so concerned about his drinking that I had spoken with his SIL, and even contemplated talking to his DAD (mistake? I dunno, but THAT is how concerned I was/am!). He’s never even been buzzed in front of his dad before, I don’t think. So to that, he was shocked and like, “Really?” with bug eyes. I asked him if he understood how serious the situation was. (I realize now if he does have a real problem, asking him things like this is pointless.) He got chicked up and said, “I understand that if I don’t get my drinking under control, I’m going to lose you.” That same night as we got into bed, he wrapped his arms around me and told me that I was the most important person in his life (even above family), and that he’d do anything he could to do right by me.

A month later, during our breakup conversation, when I asked why he hadn’t talked to me about being unhappy, he said he was a coward and a *****, and said that he’d been drinking to push me away in the hopes I’d break up with him, so that he wouldn't have to do it, but that the night before he had realized he needed to sever all ties now. That made me feel like he was blaming me for his drinking, or as an excuse for his drinking.

I just keep thinking about how I was “picking on him,” and how if I had just stopped picking on him - about anything - that we'd still be together. But I really can’t think of any instances where I was “picking on him,” (to the extent that he’d be upset by it) other than me harping on him about his drinking. I mean, I can own up to a comment here or there that may have come out wrong, like getting on him for driving too fast (but I wasn’t bitchy, I was just like, “Babe, can you slow down? You’re going too fast!” (85mph around curves in Tahoe)). But for the most part, it was all drinking related. He’d been visibly intoxicated for 4 nights in a row prior to our breakup (which was on a Sunday). On that Thursday before, I came home from dinner with friends and found him drunk alone. I stormed off and slept in the guest room. Then, we had a very uncomfortable exchange the very night before we broke up about how much he’d been drinking (I said something like, “I can’t take this!”). That exchange seemed to be the last straw for him.

I feel like my whole world is upside down, and I am so incredibly worried about him.

A friend I have spoken with said that he "chose the bottle over me," and that I was an impediment to his drinking... and that with me out of the way, he's relieved that he can get back to drinking in peace. Do you think that's true?

Any thoughts/feedback is greatly appreciated.

hello-kitty

Could be true...

Break ups are so hard on the one who got broken up with and he didn't handle it well. I hope you can get your life back soon. Baby steps...

I think you are lucky it ended now as opposed to later. He obviously wasn't ready to change his drinking habits. You obviously weren't willing to accept them. It just would have become a bigger and bigger problem and things would have gone from bad to worse after a time.

I'm sorry though. It hurts to be in your shoes. Moving on is tough.

I don't think you need to be - he's a grown man. He made a grown up choice. Worry about yourself. Take care of yourself.

roxiestone

Gingercharlie,

Welcome. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. There is a lot of really good experience, strength and hope to be had here on these boards. Please keep coming back, reading and posting.

Best,

R

catlovermi

Welcome!

OK, I'm going to boil it down.

This is not about you, really. This is about him, protecting his freedom to drink. This is a lot of smoke and mirrors, because you were beginning to get in the way of his drinking, and in his panic, he's come up with all the smoke and mirrors, to blame you, and get you out of the way. If it had been anybody else, the same thing would have happened.

He realized the choice point was coming: drinking, or you.

He chose drinking.

I'm sorry for how much pain and shock this must be. You have found a whole extended group here who understand these bizarre situations, and how they twist your head, macerate your heart, and leave you bleeding.

Hugs,

CLMI

gingercharlie

Sounds like you guys don't think he has a problem... Which is very different from what a few of my alcoholic friends (in recovery) have told me.

I'm also confused because I don't see much of a difference between my situation and Puccibird or healthyagain's...

Sigh, I guess I'll remain confused.

Summerpeach

Hi, sorry for your pain.
To me, it sounds like he had his own epiphany and thought "If I stay in this relationship, I'll have to stop drinking"!

He does sound like an alcoholic. What he could have told his parents who acts that way with you is beyond me. Are they also drinkers?

He could have told them lies to cover his own butt since they really liked you and would have not been happy with him for wanting out.

And this while Hawaii thing....why he would say those things to you is SO cruel!

He actually doesn't seem like a really nice person. Why is he being so mean? He's either a huge a%% jerk or carries some resentment.
Either way, you were well within your rights to mention his drinking to him.

It hurts now, but keep reading this site and others stories and you will see the life you could/would have lead with an addict. It's UGLY and soul killing.

Summerpeach

Oh no, he does have a problem. He can define it however he likes, he's an addict. If one needs to drink daily and falls down over it, it's an addiction.

dollydo

Welcome,

I wouldn't worry about him, he is a big boy, and, he has a strong support system.

To me, it appears that he just wanted out, he was not ready for the committment part of the relationship, he got caught up in the moment of his brother getting married, the me too part of life...then he realized that he was not ready.

It is better that he pulled out when he did, this relationship was not going to work.

I am sorry he hurt you, it will take time, but, you will be ok.

Keep posting, it will help.

Dolly

Lindzali

Hi there! I'm mainly a lurker on these boards...but you described my ex boyfriend almost to a tee. I'm 27 (so also in that 'hmm...I suppose my relationships now should be heading towards marriage' age group) and we talked a lot about getting married. We were together for a little over 2 years. During that time, I (like you) kinda cut myself off of the outside world as things got worse. I desperately wanted people to see my relationship as perfect. Looking back, when we first started dating we would drink quite a bit a suppose. Then, I (like you) started scaling back...while he increased his drinking.

I started confronting him about it and he of course agreed to cut down on drinking. Unfortunately, that was AFTER we moved in together. I started noticing that if I left for an hour to go to the gym and come back, he would somehow be WASTED even though we only kept a handful of beers in our fridge at any give time. OH and the 'drunk eye'....now whenever I close my eyes and think of my ex I see him w/ the permanent 'drunk eye'. I know the feeling of realizing that he's not really listening to you. I would have to tell him stories of my day three or four times. It was sad....it made me feel so lonely and isolated. He was also a frequent 'stumbler'. He broke the coffee pot, several glasses, the dishwasher rack, etc. from attempting to do simple kitchen tasks while sloppy drunk. It got to the point I never saw him sober. He lost his job at a CPA firm (so it's not like he's an uneducated loser). He claimed he was laid off, but I also work at a CPA firm and rumors have trickled to me that he was fired (you betcha that's embarassing for me to deal with). When he was passed out one evening I found SEVERAL empty bottles of vodka under the couch when I was looking for the remote. I also found emails in his phone from job recruiters indicating that he had been annoying their phone calls. I put all of this together after he had been unemployed for seven months.

Getting him to leave the apartment was a tremendous struggle. He was wasted 24/7 so of course he refused to leave even though I paid all the rent during our entire time there together (b/c we all know you can't reason with a drunk person). I changed the locks one time when he walked himself to the hospital thinking I could get through to him, but he ended up calling a locksmith. His family finally had to intervene. It was pathetic for him. Also, I keep getting his mail...he's buried himself in some debt (nothing massive, but still) with this lifestyle.

I guess I just want to say that your ex sounds like mine in the EARLY stages. I know it's hard (it's still hard for me to completely let go of my ex even though everything I just typed indicates he was a massive LOSER) but if this guy truly has a problem like my ex, be happy that you got let off the roller coaster in time before it breaks down. I truly believe he will get worse....and you can't save him! No matter how much you love him. I tried so many times. I begged, pleaded, promised to go to counseling with him, bought him beer when he was withdrawing from the hard stuff (looking back - what a moron I was!). I'm wondering if your ex can see himself spiraling out of control and consciously pushed you away. I can definitely see that being a tactic. My ex did that with his friends and family. He would claim to have a feud with a bunch of them that I know was nonexistent. For some reason, he clung to me more than ever...until I refused to be taken down with him.

Bottom line: from someone who's gone through hell and back w/ a guy that seems A LOT like your ex, be glad you dodged a bullet. I read on these boards of people having to deal with an alcoholic they've been married to for years! I can't even fathom that! Every time I start to feel sad about the loss of my relationship I remind myself of that.

I hope you find peace.

Lindsay

spinwc

Welcome-you are in the right place!

He is definately an alcoholic.....no doubt about it. And you are lucky because we never win against the addiction. It always comes first, always.

One thing I have learned, the blame has to go somewhere. As hard as it is, you have to realize that its not personal. They are manipulating, impulsive and immature. 2 weeks before mine "needed a break" he had a realtor looking at houses for us and talked to her about me putting my condo on the market and actually told me "if it sells quick, you can come live with me until we find a house". Two weeks later-"i am not in love with you".

Some people are just not capable of accepting, processing , showing and giving love. I believe some addicts are like that. They are so consumed with the fix, nothing else matters.

Dont blame yourself. Instead, get back into the things you lost while in the relationship. Thats what I did-got my but to the gym, church, reconnect with friends. It was just last week he told me "i am not in love with you" and i was crushed. I am ok now. It hurts, but I know I can not and will not compete with booze in a relationship.

Keep posting, reading, venting-it really does help. This is a wonderful site and the people are awesome!

Jadmack25

He is a little boy in big boy's clothes, who wanted what his big brother had, and thought he loved you enough to up your relationship. You put him in a spin when you mentioned his drinking, as that is a "big boy" thing to him, where in truth he is addicted.

He didn't have the guts or gonads, to tell you that he made a mistake, that he HAD to drink, more than he had to have you. You represent the ugly truth of his drinking, and he did not need or want the truth in his face, so you had to go.

What he told parents to turn them so nasty, heaven only knows...but if they haven't seen he has an alcohol problem, maybe they actually did believe it all, or if they do know and worry over his drinking...maybe too scared to rock his boat.

The important thing is that you have been set free.
Free from the pain and hell of living with and loving an Alcoholic.
Free from suffering some of the scenarios you read here, with kids and abuse involved.
Free to seek your recovery, grow and gain strength in yourself and set boundaries, and free to find someone who is a BIG man, perfect for you and make a good life.

Make it happen....first leave that gutless little schmuck to his miserable fate.

God bless

spinwc

Jadmack-when I need a pep talk (and I am sure I will one of these days) I am coming to you!!!! You are awesome!

wanting

Looking back on when things ended between XH and me, I realize that he may have had a problem with alcohol, but that I became fixated on that as a way to excuse his actions and to escape the pain that I was feeling. If I could get enough people to agree that he had an alcohol problem, then I didn't have to believe that he had actually rejected and abandoned me. So his drinking became a bigger obsession than it was when we were together. Don't get me wrong, it was somewhat of an obsession when we were together, but he filled my deepest (unhealthy) needs at the time he was still with me. It wasn't until he left and and I was faced with my deepest fears of rejection and abandonment by someone I'd truly given all of myself to, that I became downright unhealthily obsessed with what he was doing.

It is definitely a journey from here. I truly believe that the universe brought him into my life and snatched him away so that I could truly face the things I had buried deep inside. I lived my life fulfilled from the outside in, and now that I've faced my deepest fears and the most immense pain I've ever felt in my life, I'm able to live fulfilled from the inside out.

I don't know if all of this will make sense to you at this deeply painful period of your life. I admit that when I came to this site, I was looking for people to say, "Yes, he's an alcoholic, and you can do x, y, and z to get him sober, then he'll realize the error of his ways and you'll live happily ever after!" I may have disregarded helpful advice for a long time in my quest to find the solution I longed for.

If I could give some advice from my experience, I'd say:

-Allow yourself to feel the pain. Cry, cry, cry.
-Post here when you need support. Someone will be here.
-Read others' posts. You'll find gems there that you don't expect.
-Do something kind and loving for yourself every day.
-Read "Codependent No More," by Melody Beattie.
-Go NO CONTACT with your ex. You will learn the hard way if you do contact.
-Try not to think about him and his problems. Think about what you need.
-Try to look for the bigger lessons here. What is the universe trying to do for you?

I hope some of this helps in some way. I kind of just barfed it out. Sometimes I really feel the pain of a newcomer, and this is one of those times. I know just how you feel, and I promise it will get better.

Many hugs.

healthyagain

Sometimes we fall in love with people who just do not give the same amount of love back, and no matter how much we tried to make them happy, it is not good enough. Alcohol makes people egotistic, and your ex was super egotistic. It was all about him and his little habit. It has nothing to do with what you did or did not do. You could grow wings of an angel, pamper him, kiss his feet, but in the end, it wold hit you like a boomerang.

I know it hurts now, I know you feel confused and keep wondering, but really...you are free now.

gingercharlie

Wanting, a lot of what you said really does resonate with me. I have wrestled with myself over his drinking, and how, if at all, it contributed to our breakup. Part of me DOES want it to be because of his drinking, and nothing to do with me... because otherwise, that would mean that he rejected and abandoned me.

But I was very concerned with his drinking long before the breakup. There were moments where I thought we wouldn't make it, because I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it anymore. Never once, for a second, did I think he'd be the one to end our relationship. During our relationship, I was concerned, and at times furious, about his drinking, but it wasn't to deflect feelings of rejection or abandonment, because I just didn't feel that way. I do now though.

And if I'm really honest with myself and all of you, I have to admit that part of me was hoping to hear, "Yes, he's an alcoholic, and you can do x, y, and z to get him sober, then he'll realize the error of his ways and you'll live happily ever after!"

I went and saw my therapist today (who I haven't seen in over 2 years, but was seeing as a result of a death in the family). I went into a lot more detail with her about his drinking. She's certain that he's an alcoholic, but didn't go so far to say that he chose the bottle over me, necessarily. Rather, she focused on the fact that (from other things I shared) he avoids conflict and has no conflict resolution skills.

Hammerhead

wanting... your post brought tears to my eyes... you are so completely and utterly right... and to the bone marrow honest. I see my story in your words and expression... although it hurts to read the words.... at the same time it's "spread your wings and fly" .... place trust in your HP... freeing.

Thank you for your excellent observation and sharing!

PieRat

I think at first we all want to hear this about the alcoholic loved one in our lives. The fact is it will not happen unless they choose, and want for it to happen. No matter what we do. the best thing we can do is leave it alone, and focus on protecting and taking care of us, and/or children if it is applicable to the relationship.

Welcome to SR, and you are in the right place.

Summerpeach

This should be the slogan of many addicts. Most do not have any skills in how to deal with real life.

nodaybut2day

Hi gingercharlie and WELCOME to SR! This is a wonderful place to find loving support (and the occasional kick in the butt when you truly need it).

I came to SR, like you, searching for validation and (insert echoey voice here) "The Miracle Solution" to my XAH's (Ex Alcoholic Husband) drinking. I thought that if I just educated myself enough, adjusted my attitude enough, was understanding enough...I'd find a way for us to make it.

I was right, in a way, I needed to readjust and refocus my attitude...on myself. SR turned into MY journey, and not his. Here I learned:
You didnt CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

It was so hard for me to accept that *I*, Queen of Saving the World, couldn't do a single thing to control or cure his drinking. It was HIS drinking after all. Heck, it still is. The only thing I have power over is me. So I'm working on that...

From reading your story, it sounds to me like the drinking was always there, just hidden underneath the surface, and that once your X started laying the foundations for something he didn't really want, he used that, and you, as an excuse to drink more.

Perhaps you were willing to believe the life he proposed for the both of you. There's no crime in that. But perhaps this event has also purposefully been put in your life to give you the opportunity to learn about yourself and work on the most important person in your life: YOU.

Your X obviously doesn't want the relationship and was quite clearly lying to himself and you. There's really nothing to be gained by continuing to be in touch with him. Leave him be and get comfy here at SR.

Keep posting!

healthyagain

That is what I was thinking too, but things do not work that way. Now I feel that my husband has been cheating on me all these years with alcohol. It is like he was taking my kindness for weakness. I still hope for a magical solution, but it will happen only when he realizes that he has a problem and seek some help.
My problem is that I did not know how to respond to his behavior, and I was making mistakes...yelling, screaming, spilling his beer, crying, nagging, threatening...his problem became my obsession. It is really hard to accept that you cannot cure it or even control it.