Not sure if I'm in the right place, but my gut tells me I am.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 91
Been thinking alot since my appointment with my therapist yesterday. Don't mind my ramble here, I'm just getting out my thoughts.
Given everything I told my therapist, she said that it's clear that he was/is conflict avoidant, and doesn't think conflict was a normal, important part of a relationship. As a result, he doesn't have conflict resolution skills, and perhaps literally drowns conflict with alcohol. She said that the majority of marriages fail because of a lack of conflict resolution skills, and that those with addictions almost always lack those skills.
She also said it sounded like his family was conflict avoidant too, given how they turned on a dime with me. And that because that's all he knows, that's how he deals.
This got me to thinking... Someone said to me that you never really know what happens behind closed doors. How true that is... No one knew what was going on in our house, because I wanted to keep this problem hidden. I wanted everyone to continue believing I was living happily ever after, because I wanted to be living that fairytale. But there were/are issues there, that no one but he and I know about (and I think I'm really the only one who's even cognizant of those problems).
X mentioned a few months ago (I can't even know how this came up, it's driving me crazy) that his dad once suffered from depression, and that his mom went with him to counseling. I asked what made him depressed, and how he got out of it. X said he didn't know the why, but knows he just "worked through it, he's a strong man, did it on his own." His dad complains a lot about his mom to his sons (just about things she's doing that bothers him), but I don't believe she has ANY idea that those things bother him. Between them, little things I've observed, it's clear that his dad avoids conflict too.
Makes me wonder if his dad ever had a drinking problem too. His dad still drinks wine socially and with dinner.
X used to say that he was his father's son...
Given everything I told my therapist, she said that it's clear that he was/is conflict avoidant, and doesn't think conflict was a normal, important part of a relationship. As a result, he doesn't have conflict resolution skills, and perhaps literally drowns conflict with alcohol. She said that the majority of marriages fail because of a lack of conflict resolution skills, and that those with addictions almost always lack those skills.
She also said it sounded like his family was conflict avoidant too, given how they turned on a dime with me. And that because that's all he knows, that's how he deals.
This got me to thinking... Someone said to me that you never really know what happens behind closed doors. How true that is... No one knew what was going on in our house, because I wanted to keep this problem hidden. I wanted everyone to continue believing I was living happily ever after, because I wanted to be living that fairytale. But there were/are issues there, that no one but he and I know about (and I think I'm really the only one who's even cognizant of those problems).
X mentioned a few months ago (I can't even know how this came up, it's driving me crazy) that his dad once suffered from depression, and that his mom went with him to counseling. I asked what made him depressed, and how he got out of it. X said he didn't know the why, but knows he just "worked through it, he's a strong man, did it on his own." His dad complains a lot about his mom to his sons (just about things she's doing that bothers him), but I don't believe she has ANY idea that those things bother him. Between them, little things I've observed, it's clear that his dad avoids conflict too.
Makes me wonder if his dad ever had a drinking problem too. His dad still drinks wine socially and with dinner.
X used to say that he was his father's son...
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
But I was very concerned with his drinking long before the breakup. There were moments where I thought we wouldn't make it, because I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it anymore. Never once, for a second, did I think he'd be the one to end our relationship. During our relationship, I was concerned, and at times furious, about his drinking, but it wasn't to deflect feelings of rejection or abandonment, because I just didn't feel that way. I do now though.
I think I was almost like two separate people before and after he left me. Before he left, I was unhappy, but not obsessed with his drinking. I didn't realize that my happiness was in my own hands and I could have accepted that he is who he is and moved on. And he loved me, adored me, said all of the things that I wanted to hear at the time. It kept me hooked, because I was fulfilled from the outside in.
So when he left, I was no longer loved, adored, etc., and I turned into a person obsessed with getting some control of the situation. I had a good six months of analyzing his childhood and his family and every single thing he ever said. I googled my heart out about alcoholism and various mental diagnoses that I thought fit the bill. Anything to deny that he left me.
But you know, the most freeing day of my life was when I allowed the thought to enter my mind: Maybe he left me because he just doesn't love me, maybe I'm unlovable (not that this is necessarily true, but being able to even think about it was huge). That was the day when I was finally able to stop looking at was he was doing and start looking at myself. What did *I* think about me? What things did *I* truly want to change? (For example, XH basically told me he left me because I wasn't "fun and spontaneous." I was able to look at that and decide that I was fun, maybe not spontaneous, but that I was fun enough for someone who was the sole breadwinner and mother to two young children. I did make it a goal to have more fun though.) What things *could* I change? (For example, XH used to get down on me for not cleaning well enough. I always hated myself for that, but I was finally able to accept that I'm not a neat freak, never will be, and that's OK.) What things did I *like* about myself? That's when talk in therapy changed from being all about him to being all about me.
Well, looks like I barfed out another novel! I truly hope that your journey takes you to a place where you can love and accept yourself exactly as you are, and that you can trust that the universe has a lot of goodness and happiness in store for you.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 132
Wanting-I totally relate to your post. I have tried everything in the world to convince myself that this is all him and not me. I have finally accepted the fact that i am partially to blame in this. Not the drinking or his issues, but how I handled myself in the relationship. This past week has been a real eye opener for me and things that I need to do to get "me" right.
Thanks for another view point-I really needed that!
Thanks for another view point-I really needed that!
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Hi GC,
Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of people here who understand what you are going through, so we hope you will stick around and continue to post.
So sorry for such a crappy situation you're dealing with right now; I think what everyone's already posted hits the nail on the head--sounds like an alcoholic, and as alcoholics will do, he's put his love affair with the bottle above any love affair with you. And that's the sad, sh*tty fact about things.
The alcoholic in my life is my sister, and I have lived through countless days / nights of hellish circumstances due to her drinking. It was only when I accepted that I neither could control / cure her, nor did I have to put up with it, that I started living a more peaceful life for myself.
It may not seem like it now, but you are fortunate that you found this out about him before getting married...could have been much worse.
I know it's difficult...it will take time. Take care of yourself and know that everyone is here for you!
Welcome!
p.s. red hair? I'm a "ginger", too!
Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of people here who understand what you are going through, so we hope you will stick around and continue to post.
So sorry for such a crappy situation you're dealing with right now; I think what everyone's already posted hits the nail on the head--sounds like an alcoholic, and as alcoholics will do, he's put his love affair with the bottle above any love affair with you. And that's the sad, sh*tty fact about things.
The alcoholic in my life is my sister, and I have lived through countless days / nights of hellish circumstances due to her drinking. It was only when I accepted that I neither could control / cure her, nor did I have to put up with it, that I started living a more peaceful life for myself.
It may not seem like it now, but you are fortunate that you found this out about him before getting married...could have been much worse.
I know it's difficult...it will take time. Take care of yourself and know that everyone is here for you!
Welcome!
p.s. red hair? I'm a "ginger", too!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 91
I think I was almost like two separate people before and after he left me. Before he left, I was unhappy, but not obsessed with his drinking. I didn't realize that my happiness was in my own hands and I could have accepted that he is who he is and moved on. And he loved me, adored me, said all of the things that I wanted to hear at the time. It kept me hooked, because I was fulfilled from the outside in.
So when he left, I was no longer loved, adored, etc., and I turned into a person obsessed with getting some control of the situation. I had a good six months of analyzing his childhood and his family and every single thing he ever said. I googled my heart out about alcoholism and various mental diagnoses that I thought fit the bill. Anything to deny that he left me.
But you know, the most freeing day of my life was when I allowed the thought to enter my mind: Maybe he left me because he just doesn't love me, maybe I'm unlovable (not that this is necessarily true, but being able to even think about it was huge). That was the day when I was finally able to stop looking at was he was doing and start looking at myself. What did *I* think about me? What things did *I* truly want to change? (For example, XH basically told me he left me because I wasn't "fun and spontaneous." I was able to look at that and decide that I was fun, maybe not spontaneous, but that I was fun enough for someone who was the sole breadwinner and mother to two young children. I did make it a goal to have more fun though.) What things *could* I change? (For example, XH used to get down on me for not cleaning well enough. I always hated myself for that, but I was finally able to accept that I'm not a neat freak, never will be, and that's OK.) What things did I *like* about myself? That's when talk in therapy changed from being all about him to being all about me.
Holy cow... I think we're really on to something here!
I've got some serious work to do...
Indeed he is his father's son...
Evidently X learned from his father how to talk about his significant other to other people...
Now you have a clue why his folks were looking at you funny... (it's not that YOU did anything... he's just been talking to his brother and his folks about you and you didn't know)...
and YOU didn't have ANY idea WHAT things were bothering him...
either.... yep... he avoids conflict... just like dear ol dad.... just be thankful you're not going to be... just like his mother.... and not have ANY idea...you do know and you have a wonderful life ahead of you!
Do you see how your story fits his story? Hmmmm
Evidently X learned from his father how to talk about his significant other to other people...
His dad complains a lot about his mom to his sons (just about things she's doing that bothers him), but I don't believe she has ANY idea that those things bother him.
Now you have a clue why his folks were looking at you funny... (it's not that YOU did anything... he's just been talking to his brother and his folks about you and you didn't know)...
His parents, two of the kindest and warmest people I had ever met, were full on CRUEL to me – particularly his dad (may be important for later). He looked at me like I was the devil! They came over the night we broke up to support him, not knowing I was there. They were annoyed that I was still there,
and YOU didn't have ANY idea WHAT things were bothering him...
I had NO IDEA he was unhappy in our relationship. In fact, every sign he sent my way told me that he thought I was “The One” and wanted to live happily ever after with me. We were planning a future together.
Do you see how your story fits his story? Hmmmm
This post gave me the shivers!!! My opinion is that you're incredibly lucky to have escaped when you did with as little damage.
This guy has so many things in common with one of my ex's that it made my hair stand on end! Look up "narcissist" & it's effects on partners. My ex was, & this guy sounds like, the real deal. It's no joke.
In my humble opinion, the alcohol was the least of your worries honey.
Run & DON"T LOOK BACK. You might not get away so easily next time!
Now you need to focus on you, & why you turned off your internal radar that told you loud & clear that things were really very wrong ... If I'm allowed give advice ... don't even think of getting involved with another man until you have the answer to that.
This guy has so many things in common with one of my ex's that it made my hair stand on end! Look up "narcissist" & it's effects on partners. My ex was, & this guy sounds like, the real deal. It's no joke.
In my humble opinion, the alcohol was the least of your worries honey.
Run & DON"T LOOK BACK. You might not get away so easily next time!
Now you need to focus on you, & why you turned off your internal radar that told you loud & clear that things were really very wrong ... If I'm allowed give advice ... don't even think of getting involved with another man until you have the answer to that.
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