OMG/Help: Dating Again At 49....
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
DetachMe9
I do not think your topic is really about getting back into the dating scene. I know it's been a long time and all, but there is something seriously not right about this:
So I agree with you, I would be feeling what you are feeling too. It is a feeling of uncertainty that has been created by this man's behavior toward you. He gives you all this attention and is totally into you, then he DROPS YOU like a hot potato and SAYS NOTHING. That is a DISEASED way of relating and you are probably better off getting the hell away from that guy.
What I have learned about myself in the past is that I have welcomed this kind of behavior from men to the point that I thought it was normal. Likely from growing up with an alcoholic parent. Nothing is consistent, you do not know what to expect or anticipate, and it evolves into, "throw me a bone."
I have invited men to treat me this way, to play this game, and that is really what it is, A GAME. They put out the bait, set the trap, put forth a little effort in the beginning to get you involved. Then, just as you do, they yank the rug out from under you, make you KNOW you are unimportant or not as important to them as some one or some thing else, which creates feelings of insecurity and even panic in you, makes you feel bad, and then they will come back and feed it to you in little doses. This keeps you WANTING and TRAPPED and they KNOW it.
Does this make sense to you? It's how I understand them. No matter what good qualities he might have, he does not sound like he is able to function in a healthy manner in a relationship to me. You can take that or you can investigate further. Just try to keep emotionally detached if you're going to practice and learn with this man.
Hope you're feeling better soon. Try to get busy with your life and your interests :O) so that you forget about what he is doing.
I do not think your topic is really about getting back into the dating scene. I know it's been a long time and all, but there is something seriously not right about this:
I haven't heard from him for 6 days.
What I have learned about myself in the past is that I have welcomed this kind of behavior from men to the point that I thought it was normal. Likely from growing up with an alcoholic parent. Nothing is consistent, you do not know what to expect or anticipate, and it evolves into, "throw me a bone."
I have invited men to treat me this way, to play this game, and that is really what it is, A GAME. They put out the bait, set the trap, put forth a little effort in the beginning to get you involved. Then, just as you do, they yank the rug out from under you, make you KNOW you are unimportant or not as important to them as some one or some thing else, which creates feelings of insecurity and even panic in you, makes you feel bad, and then they will come back and feed it to you in little doses. This keeps you WANTING and TRAPPED and they KNOW it.
Does this make sense to you? It's how I understand them. No matter what good qualities he might have, he does not sound like he is able to function in a healthy manner in a relationship to me. You can take that or you can investigate further. Just try to keep emotionally detached if you're going to practice and learn with this man.
Hope you're feeling better soon. Try to get busy with your life and your interests :O) so that you forget about what he is doing.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
I'll be blunt, sorry and it's not to be hurtful in anyway.
Even though and as you put it earlier, it wasn't full blown sex... you may have given it up too easily. Should men think this way? No, but some do. We may feel like we're still in high school when we get back into the dating scene, but we aren't. You are worth more than waiting and hoping for some jerk to call you after 6 days. Forget him and move on yesterday. If he really wanted to let you know he was interested, it doesn't matter how busy he is. A quick email to tell you he's be in touch later.
This is more a reflection of him than you. Who needs that, who wants that.
Even though and as you put it earlier, it wasn't full blown sex... you may have given it up too easily. Should men think this way? No, but some do. We may feel like we're still in high school when we get back into the dating scene, but we aren't. You are worth more than waiting and hoping for some jerk to call you after 6 days. Forget him and move on yesterday. If he really wanted to let you know he was interested, it doesn't matter how busy he is. A quick email to tell you he's be in touch later.
This is more a reflection of him than you. Who needs that, who wants that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
Thanks to everyone (and that includes every single response) for helping me through this brief and self-imposed mess I voluntarily walked into.
Actually, everything posted resonates to some facet of my insides and my history. I think the following is the sum total of my learning from this experience:
-I'm not ready to date yet, even after a year and a half.
-You can go too far on the first date, even at age 49.
-It's good to find the humor in a bad situation.
-You can simultaneously feel regret and gratitude for a hot make-out session.
-No matter how big or small the issue, there will always be at least one person here on SR to provide supportive and sensitive feedback (thank god).
-And finally, always buy the next size up in lacy boyshorts when purchasing in conjunction with a 32oz. bag of M&M's. Word.
D9
Actually, everything posted resonates to some facet of my insides and my history. I think the following is the sum total of my learning from this experience:
-I'm not ready to date yet, even after a year and a half.
-You can go too far on the first date, even at age 49.
-It's good to find the humor in a bad situation.
-You can simultaneously feel regret and gratitude for a hot make-out session.
-No matter how big or small the issue, there will always be at least one person here on SR to provide supportive and sensitive feedback (thank god).
-And finally, always buy the next size up in lacy boyshorts when purchasing in conjunction with a 32oz. bag of M&M's. Word.
D9
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I've hesitated to reply, well mostly I've been blushing and giggling and trying to hide under my keyboard while reading this read. It's hard to type from down there.
Anyway, I am still in the self discovery phase when it comes to the love section in my recovery process. I'm still getting to know my wants and needs and keeping faith that when a year has passed in my recovery I might be ready to consider dating. "Ready to consider"...wow there's a real committment for you! HA!
I'll tell you there are moments where I wonder what kind of guy would be a better fit for the new me and how I might find him. Thankfully, by not giving myself the control and leaving that up to my HP and the Love Gods, I think I just might stand a chance at finding a relationship that doesn't cost my soul but enriches it. The last time I was single I made a list of all the attributes I wanted in a man and found out the hard way you should really watch what you wish for. Ugh.
I have to agree that not contacting you for 6 days after obviously taking an interest is a poor way for this guy to act and is really far beneath what you deserve. Who would be interested in that anyway besides us folks who derive our self worth from the approval of others, right? I was talking about me there, actually.
Never be afraid to fail, D9. Sometimes we get carried away and our hearts gets drug into the action. It's okay. You'll recover and be better for the experience. Now you know you're pilot light is still lit and you can still feel the passion you once had. All systems are go and you just need to find the right conditions to get out on the launchpad. You'll find it, and like we always say about those big decisions....you'll know when you know.
You give me hope, you give me inspiration, and you give me a serious case of smiles!
I don't know which sounds sexier, the boyshorts or the M&Ms ???
Much love,
Alice
Anyway, I am still in the self discovery phase when it comes to the love section in my recovery process. I'm still getting to know my wants and needs and keeping faith that when a year has passed in my recovery I might be ready to consider dating. "Ready to consider"...wow there's a real committment for you! HA!
I'll tell you there are moments where I wonder what kind of guy would be a better fit for the new me and how I might find him. Thankfully, by not giving myself the control and leaving that up to my HP and the Love Gods, I think I just might stand a chance at finding a relationship that doesn't cost my soul but enriches it. The last time I was single I made a list of all the attributes I wanted in a man and found out the hard way you should really watch what you wish for. Ugh.
I have to agree that not contacting you for 6 days after obviously taking an interest is a poor way for this guy to act and is really far beneath what you deserve. Who would be interested in that anyway besides us folks who derive our self worth from the approval of others, right? I was talking about me there, actually.
Never be afraid to fail, D9. Sometimes we get carried away and our hearts gets drug into the action. It's okay. You'll recover and be better for the experience. Now you know you're pilot light is still lit and you can still feel the passion you once had. All systems are go and you just need to find the right conditions to get out on the launchpad. You'll find it, and like we always say about those big decisions....you'll know when you know.
You give me hope, you give me inspiration, and you give me a serious case of smiles!
I don't know which sounds sexier, the boyshorts or the M&Ms ???
Much love,
Alice
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Save your "leg spread" for someone who deserves it ;-)
Gonna ramp it up a bit. Should this leg spread be trimmed, brazillian or otherwise? Newbie to the dating scene as well. BTDT - don't know which I like? I'm praying that their are NO males reading this right now!
don't know which sounds sexier, the boyshorts or the M&Ms
I vote for peanut m&m's - the green ones!!!! LOL
Gonna ramp it up a bit. Should this leg spread be trimmed, brazillian or otherwise? Newbie to the dating scene as well. BTDT - don't know which I like? I'm praying that their are NO males reading this right now!
don't know which sounds sexier, the boyshorts or the M&Ms
I vote for peanut m&m's - the green ones!!!! LOL
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
So you gained some insight and learned some lessons, but when you do find yourself ready to date, I know you will make someone very happy Detach.
For what it's worth, I've never learned anything worthwhile in my life, other than the hard way. It's the best way. I have a running list of "Ouch, won't be do'in that again."
For what it's worth, I've never learned anything worthwhile in my life, other than the hard way. It's the best way. I have a running list of "Ouch, won't be do'in that again."
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