Need support and feedback
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
Need support and feedback
Hi~~
I haven't been around for awhile...been very busy with my job search. Also, my AH has been reading my posts.
Reconcilition with AH is a rollercoaster. We've been separated eight months. He's been sober and active in recovery the entire time. He's been staying at the house the past couple of months, but I've not allowed him to move back home~~due to fear. Not fear of him, but fear of me going back to the way I was before MY recovery/healing process. Fear of, once again, losing my identity that I've worked so hard to find and embrace. I like who I am.
Due to my lay off from work, I said yes when he asked me if he could give up his apartment and move back home. Would I have agreed had I not been laid off? Probably not.
AH has been reading my posts here on SR. I had strongly suspected for quite some time. Last week, I asked him, and he denied this. After several more requests for the truth, I finally told him that I know he is reading my posts whether or not he will admit to it and I let it go. He finally confessed that he is and tells me he won't again. We bring this up in counseling. Once again, he explains how wrong it is, and that he will not violate my privacy again. blah, blah, blah. I explained my fear of AH's obession with me to him and our counselor.
I need this place. A fourm leader suggested I come up with another screen name when I need to share particular information, and maybe I will do that. Not sure yet. I want AH to respect my boundaries and my privacy, and my recovery process. I respect his.
I love him and I care about him. He is a terrific father to our three children. They adore him. He wants me to love him in a passionate and romantic way~~~and I'm not there yet. I hope to get there. I want to be there. Why can't I make myself be there? He wants physical intimacy. There have been so many traumatic events through the years and I just stuffed them all. Denied that they happened~~~moved on. Now I can't let them go. He has finally admitted that much of his self-worth is wrapped up in his sexuality.
Phew...this was tough for me to write. I'm not sure if I should post this on PTSD or Al-Anon.
Thanks for listening.
S
I haven't been around for awhile...been very busy with my job search. Also, my AH has been reading my posts.
Reconcilition with AH is a rollercoaster. We've been separated eight months. He's been sober and active in recovery the entire time. He's been staying at the house the past couple of months, but I've not allowed him to move back home~~due to fear. Not fear of him, but fear of me going back to the way I was before MY recovery/healing process. Fear of, once again, losing my identity that I've worked so hard to find and embrace. I like who I am.
Due to my lay off from work, I said yes when he asked me if he could give up his apartment and move back home. Would I have agreed had I not been laid off? Probably not.
AH has been reading my posts here on SR. I had strongly suspected for quite some time. Last week, I asked him, and he denied this. After several more requests for the truth, I finally told him that I know he is reading my posts whether or not he will admit to it and I let it go. He finally confessed that he is and tells me he won't again. We bring this up in counseling. Once again, he explains how wrong it is, and that he will not violate my privacy again. blah, blah, blah. I explained my fear of AH's obession with me to him and our counselor.
I need this place. A fourm leader suggested I come up with another screen name when I need to share particular information, and maybe I will do that. Not sure yet. I want AH to respect my boundaries and my privacy, and my recovery process. I respect his.
I love him and I care about him. He is a terrific father to our three children. They adore him. He wants me to love him in a passionate and romantic way~~~and I'm not there yet. I hope to get there. I want to be there. Why can't I make myself be there? He wants physical intimacy. There have been so many traumatic events through the years and I just stuffed them all. Denied that they happened~~~moved on. Now I can't let them go. He has finally admitted that much of his self-worth is wrapped up in his sexuality.
Phew...this was tough for me to write. I'm not sure if I should post this on PTSD or Al-Anon.
Thanks for listening.
S
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Oh Sarah! I know EXACTLY how you feel!
My AH is very much the same way and I just can't bring myself to be intimate with him. I, too, can't let go of the past traumatic events and be able to give him the intimacy he so wants with me. I know it will take time, but I am unsure how long that will be and is it fair to either of us to keep trying to keep the relationship when we can't have any intimacy.
I don't have any answers for you, but I do have understanding. I wonder if I will ever be able to be intimate with him again. And it's not him right now - it's all me, but how do I make him understand that. It's so hard when they want answers that we just don't have to give.
Please hang in there and know that there are others out there going thru the same thing you are. Let's keep talking and maybe we can get thru this together.
Take care and many hugs!!!
Kitkat
My AH is very much the same way and I just can't bring myself to be intimate with him. I, too, can't let go of the past traumatic events and be able to give him the intimacy he so wants with me. I know it will take time, but I am unsure how long that will be and is it fair to either of us to keep trying to keep the relationship when we can't have any intimacy.
I don't have any answers for you, but I do have understanding. I wonder if I will ever be able to be intimate with him again. And it's not him right now - it's all me, but how do I make him understand that. It's so hard when they want answers that we just don't have to give.
Please hang in there and know that there are others out there going thru the same thing you are. Let's keep talking and maybe we can get thru this together.
Take care and many hugs!!!
Kitkat
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 37
Sarah,
I hope you change your user ID right away. You're here to get the support YOU need. Otherwise every word you type will be dictated by what you plan for your AH to read. You are here for support, not to communicate to him through your posts, so I really feel awful for you that he is interfering in that by not respecting your privacy.
Hopefully he will discover a Forum on his own where he can talk to others who are in his position.
Hugs,
Kate
I hope you change your user ID right away. You're here to get the support YOU need. Otherwise every word you type will be dictated by what you plan for your AH to read. You are here for support, not to communicate to him through your posts, so I really feel awful for you that he is interfering in that by not respecting your privacy.
Hopefully he will discover a Forum on his own where he can talk to others who are in his position.
Hugs,
Kate
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
Thanks for the support. I'm sorry you are going through similar circumstances, but it really does help to know that others understand. The alcohol-related incident that occured eight months ago was the one that caused me to hit MY bottom, and forced me to make a drastic change in my life.....we separated. After all the previous ones that occured throughout the years~~~decades~~ I denied my pain. I put myself on the back-burner, so to speak, to create and maintain a happy, life for my family, and a perfect family image for all to see and admire.
Now~~~he's been sober and is active in recovery. I'm proud of him and I do see changes in him. I still see old behavior patterns crop up here and there~~~controlling and manipulative behaviors that are no longer acceptable to me. I know that it takes time to change old behavior patters, and he is working the program. He's also not the obessed workaholic he was before. Why can't I just give up the past, and begin again? Why do I still carry these fears with me? I want these memories erased. It seems that as my recovery and healing process progresses, my walls around me get higher and higher. If I can just break down my walls and let my AH in, everyone will be happy, right? Do I use the "fake it til you make it" slogan and pretend that all is well to create peace and harmony for AH?
Have you heard of the boiled frog theory? I've heard that if you put a frog in a pot of water and turn on the heat, he will acclimate and build a tolerance to the heat as it rises. When the water gets hot enough to boiling temperature, he will not jump out of the pot, but will remain in the pot of boiling water until he dies. I don't want to be that frog! I've spent 20+ years of my life gradually building up a tolerance to my husbands' inapporpriate behaviors and consequences. And after each incident, there would be a cycle of remorse, promises etc. I would not allow myself to feel the pain~~~teflon woman. Sometimes, I think it was all easier to deal with when I simply denied it and chose not to deal with it. Everyone was happy then. Everyone but me. But I am at peace in doing what I need to for me and our children. Shouldn't everything just fall into place naturally when I focus on doing just that? I know that this will take lots of time, which I accept and am willing to work very hard. I believe that AH understands this, and says that he accepts this, but deep down he wants it all fixed now.
~~~AH just called from his office. LC....our discussion over the phone this afternoon leads me to believe that you are still monitoring my posts on this site. I have explained to you, and you whole-heartedly agreed, during our meeting with the counselor, that this site is a safe place for me to read, learn, share, offer support to others and ask for support and insight from others. I also explained that if you are going to break this boundary, I'm not going to feel comfortable posting here, and when I do, I will feel the need to to censor what I will and will not share here. You are working on your program/recovery and I am working on mine. I'm asking that you respect my privacy and allow me to continue to use this as a tool for getting healthy. Let's talk about it.
me
Now~~~he's been sober and is active in recovery. I'm proud of him and I do see changes in him. I still see old behavior patterns crop up here and there~~~controlling and manipulative behaviors that are no longer acceptable to me. I know that it takes time to change old behavior patters, and he is working the program. He's also not the obessed workaholic he was before. Why can't I just give up the past, and begin again? Why do I still carry these fears with me? I want these memories erased. It seems that as my recovery and healing process progresses, my walls around me get higher and higher. If I can just break down my walls and let my AH in, everyone will be happy, right? Do I use the "fake it til you make it" slogan and pretend that all is well to create peace and harmony for AH?
Have you heard of the boiled frog theory? I've heard that if you put a frog in a pot of water and turn on the heat, he will acclimate and build a tolerance to the heat as it rises. When the water gets hot enough to boiling temperature, he will not jump out of the pot, but will remain in the pot of boiling water until he dies. I don't want to be that frog! I've spent 20+ years of my life gradually building up a tolerance to my husbands' inapporpriate behaviors and consequences. And after each incident, there would be a cycle of remorse, promises etc. I would not allow myself to feel the pain~~~teflon woman. Sometimes, I think it was all easier to deal with when I simply denied it and chose not to deal with it. Everyone was happy then. Everyone but me. But I am at peace in doing what I need to for me and our children. Shouldn't everything just fall into place naturally when I focus on doing just that? I know that this will take lots of time, which I accept and am willing to work very hard. I believe that AH understands this, and says that he accepts this, but deep down he wants it all fixed now.
~~~AH just called from his office. LC....our discussion over the phone this afternoon leads me to believe that you are still monitoring my posts on this site. I have explained to you, and you whole-heartedly agreed, during our meeting with the counselor, that this site is a safe place for me to read, learn, share, offer support to others and ask for support and insight from others. I also explained that if you are going to break this boundary, I'm not going to feel comfortable posting here, and when I do, I will feel the need to to censor what I will and will not share here. You are working on your program/recovery and I am working on mine. I'm asking that you respect my privacy and allow me to continue to use this as a tool for getting healthy. Let's talk about it.
me
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE.......
I would never put an open bottle on the table in front of an alcoholic .......Do not turn yourself over to less than gentle hands..
You deserve a safe place to come. If you can't come here I pray that you have Al-Anon meetings to go to....
Love and prayers from one who cares
I would never put an open bottle on the table in front of an alcoholic .......Do not turn yourself over to less than gentle hands..
You deserve a safe place to come. If you can't come here I pray that you have Al-Anon meetings to go to....
Love and prayers from one who cares
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Well. If somebody is reading this thread... somebody is really going to hate what I am about to post.
Sarah... if you feel unready... you're not. Your recovery is just as fragile as his. I just had a hell of a week. Dino has lived elsewhere for over a year, and I thought it would be okay to let him stay here for a couple of weeks transitionally. It was. So the next time he wanted to stay here for a couple of weeks transitionally, I thought it would be fine. It was. Only he didn't transish. He stayed and it turned into a living hell. Not all of the same old crap... but a lot of it. And when he did the same old crappy things I reacted the same old crappy way. The only thing I am very pleased with myself about is that I didn't let it continue. I reached boiling point and he's gone.
Do you still have anger or crying flashbacks? Do you remember something he said or did and have an intense reaction all over again? I still do sometimes. If you do... take it as a warning. Do you want to heap on new junk when you're not done processing the old?
Hugs,
Smoke
Sarah... if you feel unready... you're not. Your recovery is just as fragile as his. I just had a hell of a week. Dino has lived elsewhere for over a year, and I thought it would be okay to let him stay here for a couple of weeks transitionally. It was. So the next time he wanted to stay here for a couple of weeks transitionally, I thought it would be fine. It was. Only he didn't transish. He stayed and it turned into a living hell. Not all of the same old crap... but a lot of it. And when he did the same old crappy things I reacted the same old crappy way. The only thing I am very pleased with myself about is that I didn't let it continue. I reached boiling point and he's gone.
Do you still have anger or crying flashbacks? Do you remember something he said or did and have an intense reaction all over again? I still do sometimes. If you do... take it as a warning. Do you want to heap on new junk when you're not done processing the old?
Hugs,
Smoke
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
I am sending love, support, and prayers for both of you...
I only know what works for me...And today I have to feel very safe before I can share openly and honestly....I also have to do my own recovery
Smoke; I believe your right; when we aren't through with the past we aren't through with it and I know for me I'd better be true to myself first ....I pray I never get so sick that my motto becomes (again) "I don't get mad, I get even!" Back then I meant every word of it; but the worst part of all that was I just got sicker and sicker, meaner and meaner, becuase I knew in my heart I was not being the person I was created to be...When I came into Al-Anon working the first 2 Steps for me was easy...I knew where I was headed if I didn't turn my will and my life over to the care of a H.P.
May your Higher Power be with you both....
God Bless!
I only know what works for me...And today I have to feel very safe before I can share openly and honestly....I also have to do my own recovery
Smoke; I believe your right; when we aren't through with the past we aren't through with it and I know for me I'd better be true to myself first ....I pray I never get so sick that my motto becomes (again) "I don't get mad, I get even!" Back then I meant every word of it; but the worst part of all that was I just got sicker and sicker, meaner and meaner, becuase I knew in my heart I was not being the person I was created to be...When I came into Al-Anon working the first 2 Steps for me was easy...I knew where I was headed if I didn't turn my will and my life over to the care of a H.P.
May your Higher Power be with you both....
God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Daf... it's amazing. Outrage has been my theme of the day. But somehow, the struggle to try to picture YOU being mean has defused me. OH, wait. It's coming back. WHO could be such a BUTT that they could make Daffodil vengeful????? LEMME AT 'EM!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Wow Sarah
I'm sorry that your privacy was violated. That is such a horrible feeling. Especially when it makes you feel like what was once a safe place, is no longer safe.
Please be very gentle with yourself right now. I know how it is facing financial uncertainty. It can make you think of very desperate things to do. I actually contemplated taking my ex in as a roommate. I have no desire to resume a relationship with him on a personal level, but if I have to take in a roommate, he would be better than a total stranger at this point. I have been cautioned against this, so I am just taking things one day at a time.
What is it they say about things always being darkest before the dawn? Who knew it could take so long for the sun to rise? Sarah, I am sending good thoughts and prayers your way. And I thank you for all of the encouraging words you have given me. I think it's high time for both of us to have some positives happen in our lives.
Peace,
Gabe
Please be very gentle with yourself right now. I know how it is facing financial uncertainty. It can make you think of very desperate things to do. I actually contemplated taking my ex in as a roommate. I have no desire to resume a relationship with him on a personal level, but if I have to take in a roommate, he would be better than a total stranger at this point. I have been cautioned against this, so I am just taking things one day at a time.
What is it they say about things always being darkest before the dawn? Who knew it could take so long for the sun to rise? Sarah, I am sending good thoughts and prayers your way. And I thank you for all of the encouraging words you have given me. I think it's high time for both of us to have some positives happen in our lives.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
Daf, Smoke and Gabe....
Thanks for the support. A problem that I've always had is an inability to get angry. Yep....that's me. I think that's partly why I'm struggling so much now.....I've never allowed myself to feel or express anger. Before we began marriage counseling, and we were both in individual counseling with different therapists, my therapist was amazed by this. I don't know why, but my way has always been to suck it up for the sake of achieving harmony. That's probably why I'm such a mess right now! LOL
And Gabe, thanks for the support and prayers. The sun will rise for both of us....we'll get fabulous jobs when we least expect it, right??? I know I've said this a hundred times, but there is an awesome book that has helped me called A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson.
I'm grateful for your support.
S
Thanks for the support. A problem that I've always had is an inability to get angry. Yep....that's me. I think that's partly why I'm struggling so much now.....I've never allowed myself to feel or express anger. Before we began marriage counseling, and we were both in individual counseling with different therapists, my therapist was amazed by this. I don't know why, but my way has always been to suck it up for the sake of achieving harmony. That's probably why I'm such a mess right now! LOL
And Gabe, thanks for the support and prayers. The sun will rise for both of us....we'll get fabulous jobs when we least expect it, right??? I know I've said this a hundred times, but there is an awesome book that has helped me called A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson.
I'm grateful for your support.
S
Member
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: between the lakes
Posts: 60
I don't HAVE a problem getting angry....
and this is for the nosy, insecure, controlling addict that you are married to:
I HOPE you are reading this!!! Who the HELL do you think you are? Are you such an insecure MOUSE of a man that you don't allow your wife time to vent with friends? What exactly are you afraid of? Do you think one of us might come traipsing through your hometown and smear your name with people you know? Not likely. We not only don't know your town, we have less than NO interest in you! Our interest is in helping your wife do better than survive in this world. Do you think we might convince her to leave your sorry butt? Nope, that isn't part of the game here. That's HER decision to make--and we'll be here whatever she decides. Here's a clue. You'd probably be better off to take your prying time and devote it to improving your marriage. THAT we can't do.
Get a life, Bud.
I HOPE you are reading this!!! Who the HELL do you think you are? Are you such an insecure MOUSE of a man that you don't allow your wife time to vent with friends? What exactly are you afraid of? Do you think one of us might come traipsing through your hometown and smear your name with people you know? Not likely. We not only don't know your town, we have less than NO interest in you! Our interest is in helping your wife do better than survive in this world. Do you think we might convince her to leave your sorry butt? Nope, that isn't part of the game here. That's HER decision to make--and we'll be here whatever she decides. Here's a clue. You'd probably be better off to take your prying time and devote it to improving your marriage. THAT we can't do.
Get a life, Bud.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: outta my mind
Posts: 43
((((((Sarah))))))
I can't tell you I know exactly what you are going through but you have my thoughts. I feel sorry you have to go through this. I will be thinking of you and hoping things get better.
And as for you MissyBelle.....yeah!!! GO GIRL.
I can't tell you I know exactly what you are going through but you have my thoughts. I feel sorry you have to go through this. I will be thinking of you and hoping things get better.
And as for you MissyBelle.....yeah!!! GO GIRL.
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