selliott

Haven't been here for quite a while.life is just too busy it seems. News is that I just found out that livng with myAH is killing me (medically speaking I mean). Been struggling for years with his boozing but now he's added gambling and I cannot handle that since I have been the main wage earner for last 5 years..just found out about $3000 on a credit card I didn't know he even had..that was 1 month in addition to $1600 cash gone....ugh..I want him gone but he won't go..has o money..imagine that...We sleep in separate rooms...hardly speak..and do nothing together anymore since I no longer "booze it up"with hm and our"friends". And now I am sick...I do go to al-anon which did save my sanity at least. I have great kids..grown and not his...his kids are a mess also..I finally learned I can't fix him but seems I can't get rid of him either..any suggestions?!?

TinyOne

Whose name is on the lease? Do you rent or own? If your name only is on the lease, ask him to leave, if he doesn't, call the police.

Sounds extreme. Is there a mutual friend (more his than yours) that you can call to get him out? Do you have friends that can move you and all of your stuff out when he's not there? If worse comes to worse go to a woman's shelter/family shelter. They aren't just for abused women and some aren't that bad. Call your nearest Salvation Army or look in the phone book under Social Services.

I'm assuming you meant how physically to leave--if you meant how mentally to leave, keep reading the credit card bills. You might want to call all the credit agencies right away and put a flag on your credit--then he can't use your SSN to open any accounts and you might not be responsible for money you already owe on accounts you know nothing about.

Good luck and you have my thoughts.

selliott

Thanx for the suggestions..should be simple enough since I own everything and hold all the cards (so tospeak) but I really don't want a scene...I guess I am really ashamed of what has happened in my life. I have a good job and position..as such..really no one but "the family" really knows what is going on. and for how long (I've been very good at covering).His only friend just died of cancer..alas another reason to drink and gamble. His family doesn't help each other..or so they say..he is supposed to get some settlement money next year...but I cannot live this way..to make matters worse..he works for me and is extremely good at whathe does and itis a lousy job..bad hours and low pay but it is allhe has..problem is he blows all his $ payday and I have to keep him going or my boss gets onme..what a merry go round!He has agreed our marriage is over and doesn't give me a hard time...I just have a hard time standing by and watching someone I loved turn into a pile of "caca"....be it my kids..husband ...or friends. Ahhhhand life goes on!

TinyOne

Wait a minute! I never said simple. I'm happy my Bob is out but I still haven't swallowed that pride and told my family. I'll feel like a failure. They don't know he's a drunk but if they did I'd probably feel like a bigger failure. Why does your boss get on you? Would you be the one to fire him? I'm reading that you're still making excuses for him. Totally understandable--it's a hard habit to break. Bob was in the Army, saw action, blah blah blah. Some day you'll get to the point where you're thinking 'yeah, that's too bad but so what?' It'll take time.

I'm not writing this from a pedestal. I'm not sure how long this happiness will last so I'm hoping others will gain strength from my decison.

I wish you luck but most of all I wish you well.

selliott

Thanks for the input..at least my kids know...don't now if my momdoes or not...his family knows but they are all addicts of one sort or another..PK's of all things.If I fire my AH I have to do his job till I find someone to do it and that is not always easy..and with all my health problems right now I just cannot take the stress of 20 hr. days even for a week or two. I am glad you found some happiness..I keep looking up but it sure ain't easy! I am a classic enabler...complete with a big E on my forehead but as yousaid old habits are hard to break..am making small strides...like redoing the house and putting his things in boxes..going to my girlfriends to get away and relax..buying new girly flowery furniture..taking one day at a time..thanx for the reply

TinyOne

Omigod! Maybe we're twins. Redoing my apartment and spacing my things out, getting rid of the clutter and cleaning is what I do with my days, I'm getting a real kick out of it. It IS kind of empowering, isn't it?

LongStrangeTrip

I know in my heart and soul that I'd be better off emotionally and a lot more at peace if my husband left me but I guess I am not ready to give up on him yet.
The man is a complete jerk sometimes and really hurts me and has hurt me more times than I can even remember but I still am not ready to just give up the hope that he will wake up soon and realize how much he has to lose.
I guess our 50/50 life...half the time he's great and the other half he's unbearable...still isn't rotten enough for me. NO, I don't like to be mistreated, I just love the good parts of him more than anything besides our kids. He stole my heart with the good guy, the bad guy broke it.
I'm not afraid of being alone. I just know I'd miss that good guy so much that it would hurt more right now than dealing with all of this crap.

selliott

hey tiny one...we are twins...I think..maybe..so do youlike flowers and girly stuff too?!? Life would be so easy if we could just learn to dpend on "bob"...he is really the only dpendale one there is as long as you buy batteries! and girl...my e mail is runaroundsue @charter.net in case you need to talk...I sure do!

selliott

hey long strange trip...guess what there is no good guy! been there done that..there are no good guys whenall of the addictions are involved...they use and they abuse....get it! takes some time...but eventually we all get it!

TinyOne

selliott-
Oh sh**! Bob is my ex's name!! BOB is what I've been depending on. Have to tell you, your post changed things here. When he left he took sooo much stuff but left his robe, slippers, cologne, some clothes in the closet, etc. After reading that you were packing things up, I figured, 'hey, why not?' I was afraid to pack his things because I didn't want him to think it was because I had another man. (I know how his brain doesn't work). But so what???? Why should I live with the ghosts of our past--he's not dead--and so I packed up the remaining stuff and cleaned out the entired bedroom. Thanks.

mom3rn

Once when I couldn't figure out how to get out of a very negative relationship, a friend said you will stay as long as you are getting some need met. When none of your needs are being met you will get out of it. She was right. The needs they meet are not necessarily "healthy". It may be a need to be needed or fear of abandonement or some other unhealthy realtionship factor.

selliott

Spent the weekend with girlfriend and hubby...it was great..came home to the usual "mess"..He said he wanted to move out and I said ok adn so what are you going to use for cash..well he got paid today but instead of finding aplace...guess what..he paid the electric bill at the local Elks lodge and Legion again and came home broke again and didn't pay me what he owes me for gas money and bills again..what a freaking merry go round..I really need to get off before I get any sicker. If I give him m oney to move out..I'll just be out the money..but I shouldn't have to give him $ tomove out just because he can't quit drinking and gambling. I have enough to just pay the bills around here by myself.I 'm also afraid of liability.If any of you have a viable solution or suggestion as to how to handle this..it would be greatly appreciated

Cecilia

I havent been in your situation YET but I feel for you.

Just my two cents. How much money are we talking about? From your posts you dont sound too happy to have him there. You need to decide how much is it worth to you to have him out of there. Dont forget to factor in how much will it cost you for him to stay.

It doesnt sound like he's capable of getting his act together anytime soon. And why should he. He has a free place to stay and he can come and go as he pleases.

You might also want to consider severing yourself from him financially as soon as possible. When your married, even if he moves out youre still responsible for his debts. Everything is still joint till its not joint legally. And under no circumstances let him drive your car.

selliott

thanx for the reply..life is getting just more complictaed..my daughter had a positive pap and had to have emergency surgery this am..then my other daughter left her longtime boyfriend and is coming home for some time away...I think I'll run away and just let them all fend for themselves. As for AH am probably talking about a grand which I don't really have cause I've just paid property taxes adn insurance adn all the bills.So am relatively broke for awhile but have some irons in the fire to make some extra money. I also do have excellent credit and could easily borrow the money if necessary..only problem is that always has to be paid back and what with the economy and such I like being debt free right now. He packed up alot of his s___ and clothes and such and then sat down and wrote me a letter...cause he can't talk...about how he has really messed up and yada yada yada...and of course he still loves and cares about me and really would like to work things out but never amention about his addictions which are the root of the problems in our socalled marriage...add his lingering depression to that ..mix it up and you sure don't get "lemonade" if you get my drift. And I guess I better go see a lawyer soon...do you know if a legal separation will do the trick liabilitywise until I can get things in order??

Cecilia

I hope your daughter is okay. I can see youre the one who takes care of everyone. Try to save some caring back for yourself.

Im not totally up on the legal separation part. Also what goes here might not go there. Most attys will give you a free 10 min consult on the phone while theyre trying to suck you into the office. Call a few and ask them.

A grand IS a lot. But if he wants to get back together I cant see him moving out on his own. Also if he had that much it could be real tempting to spend it on hooch or whatever. Does he have anything that could be sold that you could take for collateral.

Just a thought. How about collecting rent from him. Tell him this will be a good way to get used to paying rent. When he moves he'll have to pay it. You could save the money back towards a security deposit on a place for him. If he gets his act together and moves out you can keep it. If he doesnt then you'll be using his money instead of yours.

selliott

already did the rent thing..he paid for a wile but then he got to gambling again..and I am back to paying the bills.daughter is doing ok..won't know much for 3 weeks..then they will do another pap and if it is positive she will probably have to have a hysterectomy and I been there and done that and it is no fun..in the meantime..add us to your prayer lists if you have one...other daughter is jsut home on a sabbatical..she just dumped the $25 million dollar man..and I am not kidding..but he is unhealthy and she is smart enough to know that..bless her heart! Hope all is well with you..you don't talk much about you you just offer up help to all...what's up with that girl?!>?! you wouldn't be here if you didn't have some kind fo s____ going on in your world too!

Cecilia

BTDT too. Had cancer and they took all my parts in my late 20's.

Oh I got plenty of ****. Im just comfortable with my **** right now. Besides Im savin myself. Just wait till the holidays when I have to deal with the Outlaws again. Ill be bitchin and crabbin big time. LOL.

Also Ive never had to deal with the drama that I see played out in a lot of the posts. Mine never got the chance to progress that far. On his first and only DWI he managed to kill several people and seriously injure a couple more. Hes in jail now for a very long time and we are just about to the end of the lawsuits. Ick. This sounds so whinny when I type it and thats not me at all.


I come here to CHAT. When you pick your scabs they never heal. Theres lots of good things going on. You just have to look for them. If you always look for the bad thats what youll find. There even good in people being mean to me. Cause I get to practice my assertiveness training on them. LOL.

Enough about me. Im ok, your not. Besides Im doing all that can be done right now. Ive already weighed my options and made my choices. Im just waiting for them to play out.

Question. Are you thru with your Ex or are you just pissed at him now?

TinyOne

I don't know what you mean by liability. If the bills are in your name you're liable for them. If they are in his name, get them changed to your name ASAP, he'll be liable for what is due on them. Your best bet would be to check with you Neighborhood Legal Services-they usually have low-cost legal advice.

Close your eyes (after you read this), pretend you are giving him $1000 to get a place. Where is he in 24 hours? Broke, I'll bet. So give him none and I just saved you a grand. I'll take half in fees. lol But you knew that!

Is he actually walking out the door or kind of lingering with packed boxes waiting for you to beg him to stay??

Email soon-switching ISPs right now.