seriously backstepping...anvilhead HELP
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
seriously backstepping...anvilhead HELP
OK, I have been on and off of the board numerous times. Lately it has been because I haven't had a computer, and have to travel to my mom's to use hers.
Anyways, the RXAH seems to be regressing. All along I though we were working on things, he has been staying with me, and we were seriously talking about getting a place together and looking at possibly remarrying next summer. (I know, wth was I thinking?) Well, over the last week, I have come to realize he is lying more than usual, hiding money, stealing from me, and manipulating every situation. Today, he stated that he doesn't have any plans of any of the above, and of course, because I expect him to pull his weight, so I have drove him away. WTFE!!! Just the same, I'm bummed, for even allowing myself into this insane asylum with him. This will be easier this go round, as last summer, thanks to his crap, I learned I could do it on my own, and survived! Yay, for me. He also stated today that nothing between us matters, because he thought about it, and losing me, doesn't mean anything to him, he isn't really losing anything at all. LOL. Great!
Well, I could deal with this I think, quite well, however a friend of mine, recently got his 3rd DUI, about 2 weeks ago. His previous 2 DUIs resulted in him getting 1 as a diversion, and also a 2 year license suspension, so consequently he has been driving with no license, no insurance. Over the last 3 months we have been talking a lot about his dilemma. He has said he wants to quit drinking, and I have been fully supportive, however he never quite quit. Then he got the 3rd DUI, cried on my shoulder the next day, that he was so miserable, as his family was so upset with him, and that was it. He was done for good, going to check into a nearby rehab. I was so excited that finally he hit his bottom. He goes and talks to his lawyer about the DUI charge, the lawyer says NOT to go to rehab until court, and maybe he could get Rehab ordered instead of jail time. So, of course, there is the excuse not to go to rehab. As of DUI day he hasn't had anything to drink, said he was doing really good, then all of a sudden, you know the behavior....he doesn't return calls, texts, becomes evasive, and finally calls and says he is sitting at a bar, drinking a beer, because it has just been one of those days.....I just said yep, later.
I swear to God I'm an alcoholic magnet. LOL. So not only is my relationship yet again sabotaged by the alcoholic mind, so is my friendship, with probably what I considered my Best Friend lately.
Anvilhead, you always give me the 2x4, that would be useful at this point.
I am done with the both of them, I can't be there for either of them, if they can't help themselves, my atm is dry, my love bank empty, and my desire to help the dysfunctional is all shriveled up.
On top of all this, my next shoulder I cry on, is my sister, who God Bless her is a true saint, well, in the last week, she discovered thousands of pictures and videos of porn in hidden files on her computer, and just discovered her husband is seriously addicted to porn, so I don't feel quite right about crying on her shoulder. You know?
Al-Anon isn't until Tuesday......and I really need some words of wisdom....
Anyways, the RXAH seems to be regressing. All along I though we were working on things, he has been staying with me, and we were seriously talking about getting a place together and looking at possibly remarrying next summer. (I know, wth was I thinking?) Well, over the last week, I have come to realize he is lying more than usual, hiding money, stealing from me, and manipulating every situation. Today, he stated that he doesn't have any plans of any of the above, and of course, because I expect him to pull his weight, so I have drove him away. WTFE!!! Just the same, I'm bummed, for even allowing myself into this insane asylum with him. This will be easier this go round, as last summer, thanks to his crap, I learned I could do it on my own, and survived! Yay, for me. He also stated today that nothing between us matters, because he thought about it, and losing me, doesn't mean anything to him, he isn't really losing anything at all. LOL. Great!
Well, I could deal with this I think, quite well, however a friend of mine, recently got his 3rd DUI, about 2 weeks ago. His previous 2 DUIs resulted in him getting 1 as a diversion, and also a 2 year license suspension, so consequently he has been driving with no license, no insurance. Over the last 3 months we have been talking a lot about his dilemma. He has said he wants to quit drinking, and I have been fully supportive, however he never quite quit. Then he got the 3rd DUI, cried on my shoulder the next day, that he was so miserable, as his family was so upset with him, and that was it. He was done for good, going to check into a nearby rehab. I was so excited that finally he hit his bottom. He goes and talks to his lawyer about the DUI charge, the lawyer says NOT to go to rehab until court, and maybe he could get Rehab ordered instead of jail time. So, of course, there is the excuse not to go to rehab. As of DUI day he hasn't had anything to drink, said he was doing really good, then all of a sudden, you know the behavior....he doesn't return calls, texts, becomes evasive, and finally calls and says he is sitting at a bar, drinking a beer, because it has just been one of those days.....I just said yep, later.
I swear to God I'm an alcoholic magnet. LOL. So not only is my relationship yet again sabotaged by the alcoholic mind, so is my friendship, with probably what I considered my Best Friend lately.
Anvilhead, you always give me the 2x4, that would be useful at this point.
I am done with the both of them, I can't be there for either of them, if they can't help themselves, my atm is dry, my love bank empty, and my desire to help the dysfunctional is all shriveled up.
On top of all this, my next shoulder I cry on, is my sister, who God Bless her is a true saint, well, in the last week, she discovered thousands of pictures and videos of porn in hidden files on her computer, and just discovered her husband is seriously addicted to porn, so I don't feel quite right about crying on her shoulder. You know?
Al-Anon isn't until Tuesday......and I really need some words of wisdom....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I'm not anvilhead and I don't carry a 2x4, but I'm very curious what you think the people at your al-anon meeting say to you about this situation? Or what would you advise someone?
Do you have a sponsor? Or phone numbers? This would be a great time to make use of them...
Do you have a sponsor? Or phone numbers? This would be a great time to make use of them...
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Thanks kitty, for posting.....Honestly my al-anon group, is very small, consists of about 5-7 ladies, who sit around talking about the day, how they are doing, and what not. They don't give advice, ever, they listen, and sometimes it just turns into a B*tchfest with no real progress, they read the reading of the day, ponder it for all of 5 minutes, and that is about it. Nobody works the steps. I asked for a sponsor, matter of fact I originally asked 2 different ladies to be my sponsor and they declined. I asked for help doing my moral inventory and they pretty much had blank faces, but just the same I think the room alone gives me some serenity.
As for what I would tell myself.....well, that would be, what I already know, can't control it, didn't cause it, can't cure it. Do what is best for me and my kids, Let Go and let God and for me what works best is taking it one moment at a time.....
I am looking for a different alanon group, but due to financial stuff, its not realistic for me to drive this week out of town to a bigger group. So, I'm just handling what I can.
Overall, I'm just feeling fully ran over by the truck, then it backed up, then did it again. It's like a 3 time whammy, my ex, my friend, my sister's husband, all in one swipe, you know?
I am struggling at this moment, with oh hell, whats the use. I know that is not constructive at all, but that is why I am here.
It is always easier for me to pick apart someone elses life, and not be able to see the hurdles that are in mine.
Anything inspirational is appreciated.
As for what I would tell myself.....well, that would be, what I already know, can't control it, didn't cause it, can't cure it. Do what is best for me and my kids, Let Go and let God and for me what works best is taking it one moment at a time.....
I am looking for a different alanon group, but due to financial stuff, its not realistic for me to drive this week out of town to a bigger group. So, I'm just handling what I can.
Overall, I'm just feeling fully ran over by the truck, then it backed up, then did it again. It's like a 3 time whammy, my ex, my friend, my sister's husband, all in one swipe, you know?
I am struggling at this moment, with oh hell, whats the use. I know that is not constructive at all, but that is why I am here.
It is always easier for me to pick apart someone elses life, and not be able to see the hurdles that are in mine.
Anything inspirational is appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
My ex got 3 DUIs in 11 months when we first dated. He lied about 2 of them. He lost his license for 4? years at least. Don't know if he has it back, but he drives... Mine went to rehab to get one of them reduced (I found out much later about the others). Turns out 3 is a felony here in SC and he would have gone to jail.
The road ahead for him in the next few years will be tough. Do you want to stick around for that?
The road ahead for him in the next few years will be tough. Do you want to stick around for that?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Ok. The local Alanon meeting isn't giving you the support you need. Travel to another meeting isn't happening, so what are your other options?
Is therapy an option?
Self-help books are an option. Therapy hasn't been an option for me, so far. My recovery resources are Alanon and self-help books and SR.
Have you read Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More", recently? I've read it a few times. I always get more understanding each time I read the book. I also make better progress when I do the exercises.
I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed with the chaos. I know what it feels like to not have a clue where to begin to find my serenity. I was able to make a meeting tonight (Alanon) and our subject was serenity.
Allow me to share something from my literature:
"Someone once explained the maintenance of serenity to me like this:
Suppose someone asked me to pass the salt at the dining table. 'Sure' I'd say while handing it over. Now suppose someone asked me to pass them my serenity - would I give it up so willingly? I doubt it." Hope for Today
Did you give away your serenity? Did you give it to someone else?
Is therapy an option?
Self-help books are an option. Therapy hasn't been an option for me, so far. My recovery resources are Alanon and self-help books and SR.
Have you read Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More", recently? I've read it a few times. I always get more understanding each time I read the book. I also make better progress when I do the exercises.
I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed with the chaos. I know what it feels like to not have a clue where to begin to find my serenity. I was able to make a meeting tonight (Alanon) and our subject was serenity.
Allow me to share something from my literature:
"Someone once explained the maintenance of serenity to me like this:
Suppose someone asked me to pass the salt at the dining table. 'Sure' I'd say while handing it over. Now suppose someone asked me to pass them my serenity - would I give it up so willingly? I doubt it." Hope for Today
Did you give away your serenity? Did you give it to someone else?
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Wow Missfixit. That must have been tough.
Do I want to stick around and listen to my BFF cry about it? NO. He has already lost his license, and so the charge this time is dui, no license, no insurance. Once he goes to court, they will reverse the diversion as well, which will make it 3 duis.
I WAS supporting him as I believe anyone can achieve sobriety and serenity, if they really want it. He was talking and walking it, until last night, when he went and had a few beers at the bar, and broke our plans to hang out without alcohol. He called earlier today to apologize, I told him, It wasn't for me to judge, it was his life, and he had to pay the price for his choices, not me. However I wouldn't be a very good Best Friend, if I didn't state the obvious, which is don't tell me you want to quit, and then go to the bar, and expect me to understand. If you are going to drink, you don't need my friendship.
And it is not for me to tell him what to do with his life....but since I spent an afternoon listening to him crying, literally crying after the dui, and he said he was done, and going to rehab, and didn't follow through, AND followed up with drinking and driving AGAIN last night....I am done. I am not an enabler.
And you know it sucks for them. I know it does. I spent many days at rehab with my EX last summer. I learned all I could, about both sides of the disease. I do feel badly for those that have it, however I don't feel bad enough about it to listen to the BS he was spewing.
Do I want to stick around and listen to my BFF cry about it? NO. He has already lost his license, and so the charge this time is dui, no license, no insurance. Once he goes to court, they will reverse the diversion as well, which will make it 3 duis.
I WAS supporting him as I believe anyone can achieve sobriety and serenity, if they really want it. He was talking and walking it, until last night, when he went and had a few beers at the bar, and broke our plans to hang out without alcohol. He called earlier today to apologize, I told him, It wasn't for me to judge, it was his life, and he had to pay the price for his choices, not me. However I wouldn't be a very good Best Friend, if I didn't state the obvious, which is don't tell me you want to quit, and then go to the bar, and expect me to understand. If you are going to drink, you don't need my friendship.
And it is not for me to tell him what to do with his life....but since I spent an afternoon listening to him crying, literally crying after the dui, and he said he was done, and going to rehab, and didn't follow through, AND followed up with drinking and driving AGAIN last night....I am done. I am not an enabler.
And you know it sucks for them. I know it does. I spent many days at rehab with my EX last summer. I learned all I could, about both sides of the disease. I do feel badly for those that have it, however I don't feel bad enough about it to listen to the BS he was spewing.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Yeah, you are sounding done! You know the drill, you know what to do next. So, going no contact with both of them then?
Talk to your sister - cry on each others shoulders. Just because you both have partner problems doesn't mean you can't be there for each other. Counselling and journalling helped me lots as well as reading Melody Beattie's books and others recommended here.
I'm not sure I see where you're backsliding though. What am I missing?
Talk to your sister - cry on each others shoulders. Just because you both have partner problems doesn't mean you can't be there for each other. Counselling and journalling helped me lots as well as reading Melody Beattie's books and others recommended here.
I'm not sure I see where you're backsliding though. What am I missing?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Well, if your ATM is empty and you're stuggling financially, my first step would be to stop supporting him. He chooses to drink, depite 3 days, he needs to deal with the consequences (an I'm an RA--dealing with my consequences had a HUGE part of getting me into recovery).
Of course he's going to cry, feel bad, say he wants to do better...that's what most of us do after we've messed up and the drunk/high feelings starts to wear off. Unforutunately, most of us forget those feelings by the next time we want to get numb.
Yes, your sister is going through a lot but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to hear what's going on with YOUR life...you're both dealing with addiction, just differe types of addiction. Just as addicts need to talk to other accits, loved ones of A's also need to talk to people who are goint through the same thing.
When we get to the ponit 'we're done', it's up to US to make the actions to take careof us. The A certainly isn't goint to do it...they'd much prefer saying what you want to hear, yet continue doing whatever they can to continue usin/drinking and hope that you'll continue to allow it. Ir'a hars ro so, but SOOO much worth it!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Of course he's going to cry, feel bad, say he wants to do better...that's what most of us do after we've messed up and the drunk/high feelings starts to wear off. Unforutunately, most of us forget those feelings by the next time we want to get numb.
Yes, your sister is going through a lot but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to hear what's going on with YOUR life...you're both dealing with addiction, just differe types of addiction. Just as addicts need to talk to other accits, loved ones of A's also need to talk to people who are goint through the same thing.
When we get to the ponit 'we're done', it's up to US to make the actions to take careof us. The A certainly isn't goint to do it...they'd much prefer saying what you want to hear, yet continue doing whatever they can to continue usin/drinking and hope that you'll continue to allow it. Ir'a hars ro so, but SOOO much worth it!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Hi aboutdone,
it seems you and I are on the same time table. I remember well your posts from last September, and than too we were going through similar struggles.
I'm back at this forum for a month now and it's doing me tremendous help. There is no alnon where I live so I don't have any kind of support but this place. But that's turns to be more than enough for me now. Last September I took my AH back, as I wasn't ready, but this time I am. Maybe because I really had enough.
I know the main reason I'm ready now is because I'm finally trully ready to work on myself. I questioned so many things about myself and came up with some great revelations. I'm happier than I've been in years or maybe ever.
My AH is moving out today, and I'm happy. I'm sad it's over, I'm sad he's choosing drinking over his family, I'm sad this is all he can be, and that my kids will not have their dad living with them any more. For all these reasons I'm angry too. But more than anything I'm happy it's over, and I can finally concentrate on having a good, healthy life with my kids, free of drama.
None of my emotions is overwhelming any more. It's hard but it is survivable.
There is a thread here, started by me, called Feeling low, which pretty much explains the process that got me to the place where I'm now. Maybe you'd like to read it, as it halped me more than I can even begin to explain.
I wish you well.
it seems you and I are on the same time table. I remember well your posts from last September, and than too we were going through similar struggles.
I'm back at this forum for a month now and it's doing me tremendous help. There is no alnon where I live so I don't have any kind of support but this place. But that's turns to be more than enough for me now. Last September I took my AH back, as I wasn't ready, but this time I am. Maybe because I really had enough.
I know the main reason I'm ready now is because I'm finally trully ready to work on myself. I questioned so many things about myself and came up with some great revelations. I'm happier than I've been in years or maybe ever.
My AH is moving out today, and I'm happy. I'm sad it's over, I'm sad he's choosing drinking over his family, I'm sad this is all he can be, and that my kids will not have their dad living with them any more. For all these reasons I'm angry too. But more than anything I'm happy it's over, and I can finally concentrate on having a good, healthy life with my kids, free of drama.
None of my emotions is overwhelming any more. It's hard but it is survivable.
There is a thread here, started by me, called Feeling low, which pretty much explains the process that got me to the place where I'm now. Maybe you'd like to read it, as it halped me more than I can even begin to explain.
I wish you well.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by sesh 
There is a thread here, started by me, called Feeling low, which pretty much explains the process that got me to the place where I'm now. Maybe you'd like to read it, as it halped me more than I can even begin to explain.
I wish you well.
I wish you well.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eling-low.html
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
On top of all this, my next shoulder I cry on, is my sister, who God Bless her is a true saint, well, in the last week, she discovered thousands of pictures and videos of porn in hidden files on her computer, and just discovered her husband is seriously addicted to porn, so I don't feel quite right about crying on her shoulder. You know?
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