Conversation with the EX
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
Jenny - I could have written your post - my AH knows what buttons to push to make me feel like maybe I made it all up in my head and make me feel guilt. He has done it to me over and over. I also used to want him to say fine I'll quit when we would have our conversations....and although presently of course he says he is not drinking, and maybe he is not, I know that it is just a matter of time for him before he comes home drunk again. I know there is nothing I can do to control what he is doing or what he will do. I am doing what I must do to prepare myself for when that happens and put myself in the position I want to be in before it happens. I really do understand how you feel.....if you read some of my old posts you will see some similar thoughts. You can tell simply by my posts that he is very abusive, but then later I will say oh maybe it's not that bad. But it is and I know it! I feel stuck in my situation right this minute...but it will not be forever! Good luck to you, trust yourself, your feelings, your thoughts!!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Man what a cycle, round and round you two go--nothing is being accomplished.
To me, this is the bottom line:
Are you willing to accept him AS he is? His values, his morals?
Are you willing to accept that he is and will continue to deflect back to you?
Are you willing to accept that he will tell half truths?
If you are, then go for it...if not, end the relationship.
Do you want to be with him as he is, or not? Only you can decide that.
Make the right decision for you!
Dolly
To me, this is the bottom line:
Are you willing to accept him AS he is? His values, his morals?
Are you willing to accept that he is and will continue to deflect back to you?
Are you willing to accept that he will tell half truths?
If you are, then go for it...if not, end the relationship.
Do you want to be with him as he is, or not? Only you can decide that.
Make the right decision for you!
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Jenny1232 
YES! He ALWAYS plays the wounded, misunderstood victim. How he always tries so damn hard, and everyone fails him. Now, I'm walking away from him. He literally, accepts NO responsibility for any of his wrong-doings. He doesn't even SEE what I'm saying. He twists my words up, and spits them out, putting me on the offensive, making me out to be the bad one. Then, attention is diverted off of him, onto to me.. And I'm left thinking, "what the hell just happened" Is this really my fault" "Maybe he's right, I'm just too uptight, he is a GOOD boyfriend"
It seems to be a pattern with denial. You can't beat it unless there is a HUGE spiritual awakening on their part
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
Iamsaved - I could have written your post verbatim. And Jenny - it's not black and white - but it's true that in order for you to find serenity you will need to detach and work on yourself. I discovered, through my marriage to my wonderful, irresistable, funny, sexy guy, that he was an alcoholic/addict/bipolar/liar (on his worst days) and I was a drama addict, codependent, needy, insecure addict myself.
Only in detaching could I get better...and in listening to people at meetings who I actually saw with my own eyes were better, healthy and in a good place...wherein I was a mess, clueless, setting him up to fail over and over. Thus setting me up to my righteous indignation. All for what? It's a disease...needs to be addressed.
Bless you and lots of hugs and prayers for your recovery from all this! It aint easy.
Soph
Only in detaching could I get better...and in listening to people at meetings who I actually saw with my own eyes were better, healthy and in a good place...wherein I was a mess, clueless, setting him up to fail over and over. Thus setting me up to my righteous indignation. All for what? It's a disease...needs to be addressed.
Bless you and lots of hugs and prayers for your recovery from all this! It aint easy.
Soph
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
thank you anvil
Originally Posted by anvilhead
let me see if i can say this right.......whatever it is that makes US uncomfortable, be it another person place or thing, it is not the job of the OTHER to change to make us feel ok, it is OUR JOB to take whatever action needed to ensure our own sanity and peace of mind...........
we get in touch with OUR OWN values, morals and ethics....we define what is acceptable to us, and what is not, and then WE act accordingly.
we get in touch with OUR OWN values, morals and ethics....we define what is acceptable to us, and what is not, and then WE act accordingly.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Jenny, 
This sounds incredibly confusing and painful. There is so much to respond to, but in the end you know what matters: as you have said, you two together, are a toxic combination.
But, I know what "crazy" feels like. So I will respond to a couple of things; perhaps it will help give perspective (even tho it's mine!)
Sunday you got trashed, I had 3 beers and maybe 4 jellos. I haven’t done what you’re saying. Its BS, get off my back. I was giving you everything I had and you are making stuff up. Leave me alone, you are blowing this up into something its not. And YOU LEFT ME, WHAT DO YOU WANT, LEAVE ME ALONE.
“You never gave me a chance. You were on my ass the whole time; you know I didn’t do anything. I was being so good to you."
I think we have read some posts here that indicate this man is abusive? Can't recall for certain, but I do know you have labeled him as such. He BELIEVES he has been "good to you" (denial? skewed belief system?) yet you BELIEVE his has not. Your truth must reign in your life.
"You don’t know crap about what I’m doing. You’re making it so much worse with your assumptions. I haven’t drank or smoked, or done anything wrong, but you keep doing whatever makes you feel better"
uuhhh, I think you DO know crap. I think I remember that you two had a "deal" where he would only come over on weekends and NOT drink, and you would not interact with him during the week when he WAS drinking? (was this someone else; forgive me, can't look it up)
Also, based on the following words....just exactly what does "I haven't drank or smoked" mean?
"I wasn’t getting wasted. I didn’t do it once. Sunday you got trashed, I had 3 beers and maybe 4 jellos."
WHAT?!? Now, granted, I'm 5'5" and 140 and don't regularly drink, but if I had 3 beers and 4 jellos, I'd be trashed too.
"All you’re doing is making yourself more miserable by pushing me away.”
I beg to differ. You were miserable when you weren't pushing him away too.
You are moving on, Jenny. You will have more DIFFICULT days, but we must go through them to emerge on the other side.
In the meantime, please stop doing this:
Christine
This sounds incredibly confusing and painful. There is so much to respond to, but in the end you know what matters: as you have said, you two together, are a toxic combination.
But, I know what "crazy" feels like. So I will respond to a couple of things; perhaps it will help give perspective (even tho it's mine!)
Sunday you got trashed, I had 3 beers and maybe 4 jellos. I haven’t done what you’re saying. Its BS, get off my back. I was giving you everything I had and you are making stuff up. Leave me alone, you are blowing this up into something its not. And YOU LEFT ME, WHAT DO YOU WANT, LEAVE ME ALONE.
“You never gave me a chance. You were on my ass the whole time; you know I didn’t do anything. I was being so good to you."
I think we have read some posts here that indicate this man is abusive? Can't recall for certain, but I do know you have labeled him as such. He BELIEVES he has been "good to you" (denial? skewed belief system?) yet you BELIEVE his has not. Your truth must reign in your life.
"You don’t know crap about what I’m doing. You’re making it so much worse with your assumptions. I haven’t drank or smoked, or done anything wrong, but you keep doing whatever makes you feel better"
uuhhh, I think you DO know crap. I think I remember that you two had a "deal" where he would only come over on weekends and NOT drink, and you would not interact with him during the week when he WAS drinking? (was this someone else; forgive me, can't look it up)
Also, based on the following words....just exactly what does "I haven't drank or smoked" mean?
"I wasn’t getting wasted. I didn’t do it once. Sunday you got trashed, I had 3 beers and maybe 4 jellos."
WHAT?!? Now, granted, I'm 5'5" and 140 and don't regularly drink, but if I had 3 beers and 4 jellos, I'd be trashed too.
"All you’re doing is making yourself more miserable by pushing me away.”
I beg to differ. You were miserable when you weren't pushing him away too.
You are moving on, Jenny. You will have more DIFFICULT days, but we must go through them to emerge on the other side.
In the meantime, please stop doing this:
Christine
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: In Between
Posts: 39
I think most of us have had all too similar conversations, it's the nature of the beast. We desperately want THEM to look at THEMSELVES and see what THEY are doing, because if they did then surely they would fix it, and everything would be better. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work like that. I had endless conversations with my ex trying to get him to "realize". I found myself engaging in one of those conversations again just the other day. The thing is those conversations never go anywhere, and do nothing but make us feel worse.
Also, what we should be doing is looking at OURSELVES, and figuring out what is best for US, not for them. Bottom line is no matter how hard we try we can NEVER control how someone else will think or behave, no matter what we say to them. You can talk and talk, but that light bulb is not going to go off in his head until he is ready for it too. I have been trying to get my ex to "see the light" for months, and nada. I have finally realized that I can only affect me.
No matter what he says you need to focus on the fact that you have made yourself clear as far as wanting him to be alcohol free. There is really no need to say anything further. He knows what you want from him, now he can either do that or not, but engaging in the back and forth with him will not help. That's why I have decided I can not, no I WILL not engage in any further exchanges with my ex. That would be my advice to you, don't get pulled in. Don't have ANY contact with him. Step back and work on YOU, and then see where you are after a bit of time has passed. Believe me I know how hard it is, but you CAN do it, because you DO deserve to have what you want. Stay strong.
Also, what we should be doing is looking at OURSELVES, and figuring out what is best for US, not for them. Bottom line is no matter how hard we try we can NEVER control how someone else will think or behave, no matter what we say to them. You can talk and talk, but that light bulb is not going to go off in his head until he is ready for it too. I have been trying to get my ex to "see the light" for months, and nada. I have finally realized that I can only affect me.
No matter what he says you need to focus on the fact that you have made yourself clear as far as wanting him to be alcohol free. There is really no need to say anything further. He knows what you want from him, now he can either do that or not, but engaging in the back and forth with him will not help. That's why I have decided I can not, no I WILL not engage in any further exchanges with my ex. That would be my advice to you, don't get pulled in. Don't have ANY contact with him. Step back and work on YOU, and then see where you are after a bit of time has passed. Believe me I know how hard it is, but you CAN do it, because you DO deserve to have what you want. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: In Between
Posts: 39
I love the smiley banging his head on the brick wall. I was thinking about this just last night! That is exactly what I feel I have been doing with my ex, and all that happens is I get more worn down, and he stays just as solid. So, the only thing to do is STOP! Thanks for that post!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I just came here to see if there was an update or add-on from Jenny. I saw that I neglected to color the first quote from O.P. in blue. Sorry that it probably added to the confusion - I was in a hurry.
How are you doing, Jenny?
How are you doing, Jenny?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Aww, thanks coffeedrinker! 
I've been on vacation in Florida, so I just got a chance to log back on. I was surprised to see all the comments.
Well, I wasn't talking to him, and then I found out he was in the hospital twice. Severe migranes (he NEVER gets them), vomitting and passing out. He couldn't open his eyes or walk, and it FREAKED me out. Kind of made me put things into perspective... if he died, would I have regrets? So here I am again, making excuses.
We talked last night and I told him I just wasn't sure what I wanted. He told me he could respect me, and not drink around me at all. I'm not sure that is enough. Thankfully, I start therapy tomorrow! I'm excited. I have sunk into a deep, deep depression. I'm considering getting back on medication, but I have mixed feelings regarding anti-depressants.
As everyone is saying, I AM focusing on me. He told me he'd be waiting, and he would back off and let me think. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm honestly not sure I want to be with him, or apart from him. For now, I'm going to start therapy.. and take a much needed break from him. I just can't make any decisions... Detachment, and recovery for the self are the only things I am focusing on right now. I've always struggled with depression, so I've gotten to the point where I'm just shutting down, and shutting EVERYONE out... It's lonely.
I appreciate ALL the replies, and your concern coffeedrinker!
I've been on vacation in Florida, so I just got a chance to log back on. I was surprised to see all the comments.
Well, I wasn't talking to him, and then I found out he was in the hospital twice. Severe migranes (he NEVER gets them), vomitting and passing out. He couldn't open his eyes or walk, and it FREAKED me out. Kind of made me put things into perspective... if he died, would I have regrets? So here I am again, making excuses.
We talked last night and I told him I just wasn't sure what I wanted. He told me he could respect me, and not drink around me at all. I'm not sure that is enough. Thankfully, I start therapy tomorrow! I'm excited. I have sunk into a deep, deep depression. I'm considering getting back on medication, but I have mixed feelings regarding anti-depressants.
As everyone is saying, I AM focusing on me. He told me he'd be waiting, and he would back off and let me think. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm honestly not sure I want to be with him, or apart from him. For now, I'm going to start therapy.. and take a much needed break from him. I just can't make any decisions... Detachment, and recovery for the self are the only things I am focusing on right now. I've always struggled with depression, so I've gotten to the point where I'm just shutting down, and shutting EVERYONE out... It's lonely.
I appreciate ALL the replies, and your concern coffeedrinker!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Oh, sweetie, I empathize completely. I sincerely hope you do take that break, and follow up with some docs.
But I can't help throwing my thoughts in! You say you don't know if he not drinking around you will be good enough. I think that when you guys decided to go that route before, it was not. I hate to see you back at square one.
Also, can I respectfully suggest that you get yourself a chem. dep. evaluation? Even if you're not, you may be on a slippery slope regarding your own drinking behavior.
Peace out, Jenny...
But I can't help throwing my thoughts in! You say you don't know if he not drinking around you will be good enough. I think that when you guys decided to go that route before, it was not. I hate to see you back at square one.
Also, can I respectfully suggest that you get yourself a chem. dep. evaluation? Even if you're not, you may be on a slippery slope regarding your own drinking behavior.
Peace out, Jenny...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
You know.. I think about just drowning my fears in the bottle, but it really doesn't appeal to me when it comes down to it. I definitely agree with the chemical dependency thing... because I also thought, how nice would it be to go home and binge and purge? I didn't, but instead, I'm barely eating. It's always a struggle to fill that void. I'm super psyched about therapy tomorrow, god knows I need it.
I'm definitely in a depression. I've struggled with that since I was 13.. and I've taken medication which always helps.. but then I tell myself, "I've got this under control" and I stop taking it.. always to end up, here.. alone.
Talking to him and hearing his perspective has helped me gather a lot of things about myself. I'm very uptight, and extremely dissatisfied. It's a common, reoccuring theme throughout every relationship I've been in. No matter HOW much he does for me, it's NEVER enough. To be honest, this time around.. he was barely drinking, and I didn't see him get drunk once. I was just SO bitter he was drinking at all, that I lost it. In that regard, it's still a clear indicator that he isn't the one for me. I believe that he says he won't drink around me.. he has quit for months for me before. It's the simple fact that, I know he'll be drinking when he's away from me, and that's still an issue to me. I'm a walking contradiction with my thoughts, emotions, beliefs, values and feelings.
I just want to know WHO I AM for once...
I'm definitely in a depression. I've struggled with that since I was 13.. and I've taken medication which always helps.. but then I tell myself, "I've got this under control" and I stop taking it.. always to end up, here.. alone.
Talking to him and hearing his perspective has helped me gather a lot of things about myself. I'm very uptight, and extremely dissatisfied. It's a common, reoccuring theme throughout every relationship I've been in. No matter HOW much he does for me, it's NEVER enough. To be honest, this time around.. he was barely drinking, and I didn't see him get drunk once. I was just SO bitter he was drinking at all, that I lost it. In that regard, it's still a clear indicator that he isn't the one for me. I believe that he says he won't drink around me.. he has quit for months for me before. It's the simple fact that, I know he'll be drinking when he's away from me, and that's still an issue to me. I'm a walking contradiction with my thoughts, emotions, beliefs, values and feelings.
I just want to know WHO I AM for once...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by Just Breathe1
We desperately want THEM to look at THEMSELVES and see what THEY are doing, because if they did then surely they would fix it, and everything would be better. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work like that. I had endless conversations with my ex trying to get him to "realize". The thing is those conversations never go anywhere, and do nothing but make us feel worse.
What you have overlooked is: it doesn't matter if he's an alcoholic or not, or if he's abusive or not.
All that matters is: ARE YOU HAPPY W/HIM?
No, then it's time to go. Even if he's sweet, even if he's sober.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
My god, Jenny--reading his responses absolutely got my blood boiling on your behalf! Talk about DENIAL! Talk about CONDESCENCION! Talk about ABSOLUTELY NO PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY! Talk about PATHOLOGICAL SELFISHNESS! Honest to god, it looked like he was enjoying the conversation, like he was toying with you.
Your perceptions are crystal clear about him. CRYSTAL. You know who he is. And you know who you are. Don't let him tell you who you are.
Getting better is a process for us codies. It is a painful process, fraught with self-doubt and emotional vulnerability. Be gentle with yourself. But know that you aren't the one who deserves pity here, hon--he is. What a sad, sad man he is.
Your perceptions are crystal clear about him. CRYSTAL. You know who he is. And you know who you are. Don't let him tell you who you are.
Getting better is a process for us codies. It is a painful process, fraught with self-doubt and emotional vulnerability. Be gentle with yourself. But know that you aren't the one who deserves pity here, hon--he is. What a sad, sad man he is.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Just a few days ago you wrote:
???
If this guy scares you so much... I don't understand WHY you insist on speaking with him. He SCARES you... and You're PETRIFIED.
In your own words you stated that he said: I'll make sure I make good use of your dirty pictures *****, you F'ing C&nt"
That's ABUSIVE... now you're questioning yourself.... I guess I'm just wondering if I'm being too hard on him. If I am making things up, and telling myself lies. (WTF) ???
Then you go on to say : If one day.. I stop coming here.. it means, he's killed me. I'm really fearful now.
I'm so sorry you're feeling confused... but honestly nothing changes if nothing changes.
Take care.
Really scared
I don't know much about laws.. so I don't know what to do...
He said.. "don't worry, I'll make sure I make good use of your dirty pictures *****, you F'ing C&nt"
I BELIEVE THIS.. I AM PETRIFIED...
What can I do.
While we were together.. I did send him some pretty dirty pictures.. I'm really scared.
What kind of laws protect against this? Or charges?
Oh my gosh.. This guy SCARES me..
If one day.. I stop coming here.. it means, he's killed me. I'm really fearful now. He's capable of so much... I'm really, really, scared now. He's going to ruin my life with these pictures...
**Just last winter, after his ex broke up with him.. he threatend to kill his family, then self.. and ended up in the mental ward.
I don't know much about laws.. so I don't know what to do...
He said.. "don't worry, I'll make sure I make good use of your dirty pictures *****, you F'ing C&nt"
I BELIEVE THIS.. I AM PETRIFIED...
What can I do.
While we were together.. I did send him some pretty dirty pictures.. I'm really scared.
What kind of laws protect against this? Or charges?
Oh my gosh.. This guy SCARES me..
If one day.. I stop coming here.. it means, he's killed me. I'm really fearful now. He's capable of so much... I'm really, really, scared now. He's going to ruin my life with these pictures...
**Just last winter, after his ex broke up with him.. he threatend to kill his family, then self.. and ended up in the mental ward.
If this guy scares you so much... I don't understand WHY you insist on speaking with him. He SCARES you... and You're PETRIFIED.
In your own words you stated that he said: I'll make sure I make good use of your dirty pictures *****, you F'ing C&nt"
That's ABUSIVE... now you're questioning yourself.... I guess I'm just wondering if I'm being too hard on him. If I am making things up, and telling myself lies. (WTF) ???
Then you go on to say : If one day.. I stop coming here.. it means, he's killed me. I'm really fearful now.
I'm so sorry you're feeling confused... but honestly nothing changes if nothing changes.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Not old, only 3 weeks ago....and you were frantic and scared at his abuse and threats.
It is 3 weeks on, but he is still the same vicious mouthed control freak he was then, even if he is sounding like the poor misunderstood and put upon victim.
Word of warning here for you,. If you want to get back into playing his games, you will always be the loser....because he knows you well and he is a champion at all of them.
god bless
It is 3 weeks on, but he is still the same vicious mouthed control freak he was then, even if he is sounding like the poor misunderstood and put upon victim.
Word of warning here for you,. If you want to get back into playing his games, you will always be the loser....because he knows you well and he is a champion at all of them.
god bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Well, I meant that I had written this post three weeks ago, before the current situation, and the recent threats causing me to be scared.
She responded with that I had posted a few days ago.. thinking this conversation took place afterwards - which wasn't the case.
LOL, I'm defending myself here. Anyhow, I'm not engaging in these conversations with him now.
She responded with that I had posted a few days ago.. thinking this conversation took place afterwards - which wasn't the case.
LOL, I'm defending myself here. Anyhow, I'm not engaging in these conversations with him now.
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