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Hitched up my big girl panties

Old 05-19-2010, 09:52 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
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Hitched up my big girl panties

I was seeing some friends last night that I haven't seen in a while, very good friends. One of the sisters is due to get married the week after I would have been. I was all nervous because I didn't really know what to tell her about breaking off my engagement since I've only told a few people so far and it's really hard to talk about. I didn't know if I should lie and cover up the truth for now, or say we're on a break, or what. Guess what? I just told her the truth. She has known about his addiction issues anyway, so it's not like I'm trying to hide that. She said that she thought that it was really brave of me and that yes, that is a decision I don't need to rush, that deciding whether you want to spend the rest of your life w/ an alcoholic is a big decision. It felt better to tell her and get it off my chest and then I was happy to defer the eyes on me and start talking about her wedding plans. I know that it is my codependent issues to be overworrying about what others will think of what I tell them, and I'm trying to get over that.

Someone mentioned, wisely, on my last post about how I was getting so ahead of myself. Thanks for that. Yes, here I am worrying about two months ahead and beyond. I need to really just keep my head in today. I am going to tell my family today or tomorrow. I think that it will be sort of a relief after I do.

I'm really struggling at work. I only have a week and a half left and it's taking all of me to keep my head in the game. The kids are driving me bonkers. I teach a pretty challenging group of kids as is, so this is even worse. It doesn't help matters that my job situation is so up in the air for next year. I am working on applications.

The feelings of sadness can be so overwhelming at times. Yesterday was much better, but today I'm just feeling so bummed out. I miss him, of course. And I'm dreading the thought of being single again, especially if it's going to be for an extended period. Wait...there I go again with the waa waaa waaa-ing about tomorrow and worrying. I'm sad today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I miss him terribly, but that doesn't change anything. I will find things to be grateful about today, which is the prospect of my summer vacation, even if it won't be spent with my man like it was supposed to be.
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Old 05-19-2010, 10:18 AM
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((RDG))

I too wanted to add how BRAVE you are~

The first time i ever picked my ex AH up from the police station was the nite before we got married - it was because he wrecked his truck under the influence of drugs. I should have called off the wedding then, but I was too afraid of what people might think, say - blah, blah, blah to listen to my own "Red Flags"
Instead I put myself and my girls thru almost 16 yrs of the active disease behaviors - MINE and his!!

Congratulations and welcome to your new Life!

I pray your HP's very best each and every moment of it!!!
take good care of YOU - you deserve it!

HUGS,
Rita
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Old 05-19-2010, 10:36 AM
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Summer vacation alone is something I look forward to !! when I lived in Finland I took a cruise to Stockholm by myself... it was a great trip. No one to complain about the loooooooooooooong walks I took... no other set of eyes to judge or distort my experience of the city. I enjoyed the Vaasa Museum and took my time reading the signs and sitting there in a dark room listening to Old Norse being spoken.


Yesterday I found myself walking near where XABF and I first spent a few days, we were SO IN LOVE THEN and I was so incredibly happy. I felt I needed to cry so I just did. We had so many plans!!

Nothing went "as it should have been" according to ME. But I don't have the whole picture.. God has it.. God decides what's best........ you got to trust something greater is watching your back. Its like when they clean a huge graze... yes it HURTS A LOT!! but it is a temporary thing so you heal... if untreated things get MUCH WORSE.

After crying a little I remembered how I texted him saying I felt like hell due to flu and it may not be the best idea for me to take a 7 hour bus trip with air con. He got SUPER angry and insulted and there I go... the martyr..

At that house I was superhappy and had plans BUT I was also a doormat. Do you think he cared for me while I was there.. .nope..we went on a Marathon to buy HIS washing machine, utensils etc...

I was also there to meet HR for a prospect company and he said he would take me there... well HE decided WE wouldn't be going. Later HR asked why I didn't go and I felt so stupid, being it the #1 reason I decided to travel ill.



So when you play all the tape through anger comes... and its such a relief the past is the past, and you look forward to your life!!



Sorry for rambling so much!! I get it. And I support you..
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Old 05-19-2010, 11:42 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
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Starting over is a full time job. You show up with your will and your might and you make a go of it. It's going to be scary and challenging and you're going to want to run from it, but in the end, the lessons are worth it.
Sort of like the first day of school ;-)
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