Stop LYING (vent)
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Join Date: May 2009
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Stop LYING (vent)
Sorry, I need to vent... I'm starting to slip back into all the drama (I have called and texted AH yesterday and today yelling at him after several days of NC) and need to go NC again for my own sanity. So I thought maybe if I let some of this out on here, I won't have the urge to yell at AH anymore and can stay NC.
Here's what happened: 2 weeks ago I went to his apt (I had been staying with a friend for a month) to pick up a few things - I saw sangria boxes in the recycling bin and got suspicious (AH is a beer, vodka, rum kinda person), looked in the trash can and found a used condom. I packed ALL of my stuff and moved everything out and went NC for 1 1/2 weeks, then caved in and called AH back - he said it wasn't his - he had a couple over and passed out in the other room (quack, quack, quack). I told him I didn't know if at this point our marriage could ever be repaired, but he said he wouldn't give up and would show me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. Saturday morning, I drove by the house to pick up my mail, saw him standing on the front porch with a guy and a girl (probably his new neighbor) - I turned around and drove off. Later that night my neighbor friend called me and told me that AH's neighbor had talked about how loud AH had been all night and that by the sounds he must have had sex all night (rythmic banging of furniture) and that her friend (other new neighbor) heard a female voice from inside his apt. in the morning. Later that day, I was in full blown obsessing mode by then, I texted a neighbor girl that he had started calling shortly before I had moved out. She texted back saying that nothing ever happened but that he kept harassing her, coming to her work (at a bar) and calling all the time and that she got weirded out by him because he had told her he had feelings for her and she knew he was married.
So I texted AH about all this and told him to do us both a favor and to stop telling me he misses and loves me. He kept saying he didn't know what I was talking about and that his friend (guy on the front porch) was over all night. This morning he called me and left a voicemail saying he doesn't understand where I'm coming from, he was with his friend all night and that he is trying his hardest to fix this marriage and doing all he can to show me he wants me back and if I don't want this marriage to be straight up about it and tell him that it's over. I lost it after hearing that and called him to yell at him - wtf - is having sex with other girls and telling other women you have feelings for them considered trying to fix a marriage!? He of course denies everything - keeps telling me the condom wasn't his, the noises were him and his guy friend drinking and getting high all night, and all that ever happened with the neighbor girl was him giving her some of his comic books. It absolutely drives me insane - why can't he just admit the things he's done??? He obviously doesn't give a sh!t about our marriage, so why does he continue telling me he loves and misses me and wants me back - why not be straight up about it?
AHHHHH I'm so angry right now!!!!!!! I guess I just need to go NC again and remember that he's just quacking and despite all the things he says I have proof that says different!
Here's what happened: 2 weeks ago I went to his apt (I had been staying with a friend for a month) to pick up a few things - I saw sangria boxes in the recycling bin and got suspicious (AH is a beer, vodka, rum kinda person), looked in the trash can and found a used condom. I packed ALL of my stuff and moved everything out and went NC for 1 1/2 weeks, then caved in and called AH back - he said it wasn't his - he had a couple over and passed out in the other room (quack, quack, quack). I told him I didn't know if at this point our marriage could ever be repaired, but he said he wouldn't give up and would show me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. Saturday morning, I drove by the house to pick up my mail, saw him standing on the front porch with a guy and a girl (probably his new neighbor) - I turned around and drove off. Later that night my neighbor friend called me and told me that AH's neighbor had talked about how loud AH had been all night and that by the sounds he must have had sex all night (rythmic banging of furniture) and that her friend (other new neighbor) heard a female voice from inside his apt. in the morning. Later that day, I was in full blown obsessing mode by then, I texted a neighbor girl that he had started calling shortly before I had moved out. She texted back saying that nothing ever happened but that he kept harassing her, coming to her work (at a bar) and calling all the time and that she got weirded out by him because he had told her he had feelings for her and she knew he was married.
So I texted AH about all this and told him to do us both a favor and to stop telling me he misses and loves me. He kept saying he didn't know what I was talking about and that his friend (guy on the front porch) was over all night. This morning he called me and left a voicemail saying he doesn't understand where I'm coming from, he was with his friend all night and that he is trying his hardest to fix this marriage and doing all he can to show me he wants me back and if I don't want this marriage to be straight up about it and tell him that it's over. I lost it after hearing that and called him to yell at him - wtf - is having sex with other girls and telling other women you have feelings for them considered trying to fix a marriage!? He of course denies everything - keeps telling me the condom wasn't his, the noises were him and his guy friend drinking and getting high all night, and all that ever happened with the neighbor girl was him giving her some of his comic books. It absolutely drives me insane - why can't he just admit the things he's done??? He obviously doesn't give a sh!t about our marriage, so why does he continue telling me he loves and misses me and wants me back - why not be straight up about it?
AHHHHH I'm so angry right now!!!!!!! I guess I just need to go NC again and remember that he's just quacking and despite all the things he says I have proof that says different!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Lotus, I don't have any expert advice on this, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this.
Whether a husband (or wife) is an alcoholic or not, I would think anyone would react the way you did about infedelity. This man is a man you married...you had every right to question things when you saw a condom. Sometimes "dettachment" is just not possible in these cases, just my opinion. He deserved to be confronted.
Makes me remember the last time I saw my XA, and I slept with him, he hadn't seen me in a couple of months, yet he conveniently had condoms in the drawer right next to his bed. Yeah, i'm not stupid.
I do always find the lying to your face absolutely incredible when we have CLEAR evidence that they have been deceitful. After I saw pics my of my XA with his ex on a weekend he told me he was at a work retreat, and he was telling me that he was never going to see her again....of course, even after those pics are out there in public, he told me I was clearly insane.
Indeed, their actions are enough to absolutely make us feel insane, and even question what we know to be true.
You sound like you have a great grasp on things. He can bend it and twist it, but he can never change what the truth is.
Whether a husband (or wife) is an alcoholic or not, I would think anyone would react the way you did about infedelity. This man is a man you married...you had every right to question things when you saw a condom. Sometimes "dettachment" is just not possible in these cases, just my opinion. He deserved to be confronted.
Makes me remember the last time I saw my XA, and I slept with him, he hadn't seen me in a couple of months, yet he conveniently had condoms in the drawer right next to his bed. Yeah, i'm not stupid.
I do always find the lying to your face absolutely incredible when we have CLEAR evidence that they have been deceitful. After I saw pics my of my XA with his ex on a weekend he told me he was at a work retreat, and he was telling me that he was never going to see her again....of course, even after those pics are out there in public, he told me I was clearly insane.
Indeed, their actions are enough to absolutely make us feel insane, and even question what we know to be true.
You sound like you have a great grasp on things. He can bend it and twist it, but he can never change what the truth is.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Nooooooooooooo, an addict lied and denied it?! I cannot believe what you're telling me here! It's not possible!
You must be very mistaken!
Lotus, my head beats to the same drum as yours. My BF lies and I even caught him in lies and he denies it right with the proof in front of him. It's almost like a comedy skit, isn't it?!
Take the condom, go get a dna test on it, find out it's his and he will still deny it. He will tell you you're nuts for looking through his things and getting a dna test.
Don't you know, it's NEVER their fault and they NEVER do anything wrong!
Twisted F&CKING head games, seriously, blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
You must be very mistaken!
Lotus, my head beats to the same drum as yours. My BF lies and I even caught him in lies and he denies it right with the proof in front of him. It's almost like a comedy skit, isn't it?!
Take the condom, go get a dna test on it, find out it's his and he will still deny it. He will tell you you're nuts for looking through his things and getting a dna test.
Don't you know, it's NEVER their fault and they NEVER do anything wrong!
Twisted F&CKING head games, seriously, blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
I hope the following for YOU:
You know that this is wrong.
You know that this is not love from him to you.
you know you do not need this pain.
you know you deserve better.
You know that you have to break away for your sanity.
You know that you cannot trust him - not now at least.
No person deserve this betrayal. Take care of yourself. That is YOUR responsibility towards YOU. He is sick. take the power out of his hands to hurt you like this!
You know that this is wrong.
You know that this is not love from him to you.
you know you do not need this pain.
you know you deserve better.
You know that you have to break away for your sanity.
You know that you cannot trust him - not now at least.
No person deserve this betrayal. Take care of yourself. That is YOUR responsibility towards YOU. He is sick. take the power out of his hands to hurt you like this!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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When you left him, did you do that to scare him into straightening up, or did you do it to save your sanity? If it was for the former, it didn't work. If you did it for the latter, it isn't going to work if you keep keep having expectations of him. You know he lies so stop expecting him not to. What is your ultimate goal? Is it to save the marriage or is it to save yourself?
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Thank you all for your replies!!!
Kitty and Summer - yeah, those mind games used to drive me insane (and I guess the past 2 days I let them get to me again
- his manipulations were starting to work on me and I started questioning everything again, even myself - NC is the only way to go, I guess)
Royaume - yes, gotta remember to listen to my gut!
Freefalling - "take the power out of his hands to hurt you like this!" very powerful, thank you!
Suki - I left to save my sanity and it worked (for the most part) this past month - until yesterday But you're right, part of me was probably still hoping that somehow this marriage could be saved. I need to completely let go of the idea, because otherwise I will get sucked in over and over again. My SANITY is more sooo much more important than being with an abusive, lying, cheating drunk!!!!
Kitty and Summer - yeah, those mind games used to drive me insane (and I guess the past 2 days I let them get to me again
- his manipulations were starting to work on me and I started questioning everything again, even myself - NC is the only way to go, I guess)Royaume - yes, gotta remember to listen to my gut!
Freefalling - "take the power out of his hands to hurt you like this!" very powerful, thank you!
Suki - I left to save my sanity and it worked (for the most part) this past month - until yesterday
But you're right, part of me was probably still hoping that somehow this marriage could be saved. I need to completely let go of the idea, because otherwise I will get sucked in over and over again. My SANITY is more sooo much more important than being with an abusive, lying, cheating drunk!!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
Lotus, everyone and you on this thread are correct. He is an addict = liar. Words are meaningless. My XAH was the same. He lied and lied and lied, and yelled at me, wept at me and texted me little sad texts - "missing you :-( " over, and over and over. He was absolutely full of it.
Last year at this time I was obsessively checking his cell bill, calling numbers I did not recognize, paying money online to investigate numbers; I checked all his Facebook contacts, looking for "clues"- I was living life like an obsessed freak and he was just in his apartment drinking, smoking weed, and living a life he told his friends was miserable, but really it was what he wanted. He did 0 work with me to save the marriage, he lied and made excuses over and over...and I finally was so disgusted with myself that I attended Al Anon and found the strength to confront him and draw boundaries (which he hated.)
To this day I guarantee he tells the world a sob story; to this day there are people who probably think I dumped my husband for "no" reason. He knows, though, because he is living his life of sickness, alcoholism, hangovers, traffic tickets, bad haircuts, forgetting birthdays and all the other stuff I helped him with and now do not.
WE CAN DO IT! You are too special and beautiful to waste time on the alcoholic/addict - you will just continue to be puzzled and hurt. I totally understand the "why" you feel - but there is no answering it. Only answer is, it's their disease and it becomes our "dis - ease" too. You gotta cut it off with him and go your own way.
May you find the strength to move ahead. Lots of blessings and good wishes.
Soph:ghug3
Last year at this time I was obsessively checking his cell bill, calling numbers I did not recognize, paying money online to investigate numbers; I checked all his Facebook contacts, looking for "clues"- I was living life like an obsessed freak and he was just in his apartment drinking, smoking weed, and living a life he told his friends was miserable, but really it was what he wanted. He did 0 work with me to save the marriage, he lied and made excuses over and over...and I finally was so disgusted with myself that I attended Al Anon and found the strength to confront him and draw boundaries (which he hated.)
To this day I guarantee he tells the world a sob story; to this day there are people who probably think I dumped my husband for "no" reason. He knows, though, because he is living his life of sickness, alcoholism, hangovers, traffic tickets, bad haircuts, forgetting birthdays and all the other stuff I helped him with and now do not.
WE CAN DO IT! You are too special and beautiful to waste time on the alcoholic/addict - you will just continue to be puzzled and hurt. I totally understand the "why" you feel - but there is no answering it. Only answer is, it's their disease and it becomes our "dis - ease" too. You gotta cut it off with him and go your own way.
May you find the strength to move ahead. Lots of blessings and good wishes.
Soph:ghug3
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Originally Posted by Soph 
WE CAN DO IT! You are too special and beautiful to waste time on the alcoholic/addict - you will just continue to be puzzled and hurt. I totally understand the "why" you feel - but there is no answering it. Only answer is, it's their disease and it becomes our "dis - ease" too. You gotta cut it off with him and go your own way.
May you find the strength to move ahead. Lots of blessings and good wishes.
Soph:ghug3
May you find the strength to move ahead. Lots of blessings and good wishes.
Soph:ghug3
The longer we stay connected to their disease... the longer we feel the "dis-ease"...
The ONLY WAY to lose the "dis-ease" is to turn the focus back to ourselves. No contact is a beautiful way to achieve that.
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Originally Posted by Soph
To this day I guarantee he tells the world a sob story; to this day there are people who probably think I dumped my husband for "no" reason. He knows, though, because he is living his life of sickness, alcoholism, hangovers, traffic tickets, bad haircuts, forgetting birthdays and all the other stuff I helped him with and now do not.
My first laugh today
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Lotus, and all, I just enjoyed this article about liars. I find these different perspectives interesting ... 
Dealing With and Understanding Liars |
Dealing With and Understanding Liars |
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Hahaha! Yes, bad haircuts! It turns out they don't only have the same book of phrases, but the same hairstylist/barber! LOL! Had a really good chuckle with that...what IS IT with the hair?!
Anyway, Lotus and Soph, I could have written those situations/words. Somehow I still get "surprised" that I know that story all-too-well. Part of me wants to pretend, still, and it has been a difficult weekend so the old coping strategies pop up, and it starts with denial/minimization. Which, of course, makes me perfect prey for a liar, and not even a very skilled one! (Cue voice in head: "Stay away from the exA, stay awaaaaaaayyyyyyy!")
You're doing great, Lotus. You're writing it here, getting feedback, using your tools. I don't have any sage advice, other than I see the progress I've made after breaking off contact with my exA and have so much more energy to invest elsewhere in my life. It's so much more rewarding.
Hang in there,
posie
Anyway, Lotus and Soph, I could have written those situations/words. Somehow I still get "surprised" that I know that story all-too-well. Part of me wants to pretend, still, and it has been a difficult weekend so the old coping strategies pop up, and it starts with denial/minimization. Which, of course, makes me perfect prey for a liar, and not even a very skilled one! (Cue voice in head: "Stay away from the exA, stay awaaaaaaayyyyyyy!")
You're doing great, Lotus. You're writing it here, getting feedback, using your tools. I don't have any sage advice, other than I see the progress I've made after breaking off contact with my exA and have so much more energy to invest elsewhere in my life. It's so much more rewarding.
Hang in there,
posie
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She texted back saying that nothing ever happened but that he kept harassing her, coming to her work (at a bar) and calling all the time and that she got weirded out by him because he had told her he had feelings for her and she knew he was married.
I know you're going to have to work this out in your way, on your timeline but I suggest you make it priority to go NC with your AH and also stay away from the other women too Lotus.
Here's a prayer for peace for you my Dear.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
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You know you need help when your excuse for sex noise is, "Oh no, it was just me and my buddy getting drunk and high all night."
And you know you need help when if that were true, it makes you feel any better.
Trust me, I've been there.
And you know you need help when if that were true, it makes you feel any better.
Trust me, I've been there.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Kittyboo
Lotus, and all, I just enjoyed this article about liars. I find these different perspectives interesting ...
Dealing With and Understanding Liars |
Dealing With and Understanding Liars |
I like this part
"When was the last time you got excited because somebody lied to you? What about the last time you said “I know you lied because you were afraid I’d be upset if I learned the truth, so thanks for having my back there.”? The problem with liars is that even if they have the best intentions in the world, what they’re doing is still destroying the bridge of trust between the two of you. Their “act of kindness” is anything but kindness, and the long term problems it presents can be just as detrimental as the short term ones"
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach
By the way, these "sick minds" lie because they are sick, evil and have ZERO respect for anyone but themselves. Oh and they don't think what they are doing is wrong.
They love to stay in their sick drama.
They love to stay in their sick drama.
I agree totally - except about the respect part. They have NO respect for anyone PARTICULARLY themselves.
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