Catkill23

Hi,
My wife and I don't speak. I am 8 months sober now and have tried numerous things to help our reelationship. I go to meetings, I am working, I don't argue with her (which maybe I should), I spend money wisely if any at all, I clean somewhat, I bought a few thoughtful things, when I call her I open by saying hey sweetie or something similar, and I get no response.

Whenever she speaks to me it is downgrading like a Mom to a kid. I am starting to realize that this may of been the way our relationship was most of the time. I was drunk so didn't realize it and played the game. I think she grew up this way maybe.

I don't argue with her when she does this, and try to make light of the load on her soldiers to make the day better. I realize this may not be good to always be joking, but I can't argue right now and am not that kind of a guy. I am laidback and take it a day at a time.

She has always been into facebook, my space, materialistic, worried about other people etc.. which I am not. I do not push AA or Alanon down her throat as I know I was the *******, and deserve everything.

My question is there anything else I can try to see if there is anything we can be compatible with? Or do I just keep doing what I am doing and eventually the partner may realize more too life, and give me a chance to say I'm sorry, and we can both work on the relationship.

Lotus2009

I don't know your whole story and my situation is somewhat different, as my AH is still an active A. But I know there is a lot of damage that has been done in my marriage and at this point it would take both of us (my AH and me) to work hard on rebuilding it (if he was to get sober that is). I know I have a lot of anger, resentment, hurt inside of me and it would take a while for me to work through that even after he'd get sober. And I think a lot of times an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic spouse develop a kid-parent relationship - and that won't just disappear because the alcoholic got sober - it's something you as a couple would have to work on (just like you worked on getting sober)

I'm always an advocate of open communication. Maybe you should try to talk to your wife... not argue, but talk... explain how you see the situation (in a non-judging way), ask how she sees it, and figure out how you can work together on resolving the issue. Or maybe see if she's open to couple's counseling, if that is something you'd be interested in.

Catkill23

Thanks,

I appreciate that. I realize you people that have dealt with us alchoholics put up with a lot of crap. It just seems that now that I quit, it's too late. It's almost like there is a fear of the non alchoholic of growing up just like I have. I understand this, as I was like that I guess. But you would think that when you can clearly see someone has grown up and taken responsibility you would be curious, and not act childish.

A simple conversation would be nice, even if it is about separating. Just let us know what is the problem, if there is anything that can be done, and put some closure on it. I consider myself recovering, and a somewhat clear adult mind, If you don't want me to be sober then leave.

I hope your husband will wake up and realize there is so much more to life then the material world. It is awesome, and I would like to share it with my wife.

lulu1974

I wanted to say congratulations. It brought tears to my eyes when i read your story. You are so brave.

I was that wife too. I couldnt let go off the anger for a very long time. But mine would still fall off the wagon here and there. My husband ended up wanting a divorce. I was crushed and then saw what I had done. I could only
speak for myself but I wish he was more patient and stayed sober. And I wish we went to couples counseling and church and really worked on it. But that is just me. We are going through the divorce and he hates me for not being mor supportive and I have no idea if he still drinks but I suspect he does. I never realized how painful a divorce could be. But back then I was infuriated with him. I just couldnt let go of the pain he had caused through the years to me and the anger took a long time to go away. I felt betrayed. This is of course just my story but I hope you do what is best for you and if possible save the marriage..I wish she would try alanon or any support group even therapy to get rid of the pain and anger. I wish you luck.
Hugs,
Lulu

Lotus2009

Well, these things turn into a pattern - just like your pattern of drinking - and it's hard to just break it.
I don't think you can expect your sobriety to solve everything - it's great that you got sober/ are staying sober and it's wonderful that you're now doing all the things that one would expect from a loving spouse (i.e. working, cleaning, etc.), but that doesn't wipe away all those painful years. You need to understand that we, as the non-alcoholic spouse, have very clear memories of the bad times and living through those painful moments takes a toll that can't just be wiped away and brushed off.

I do hope that your wife will eventually realize that she would benefit from counseling or support groups, but you can't make her do something she isn't ready to do. All you can do is voice your concern and hope that she is open to give this a chance.

BTW, Congrats on the 8 months

Catkill23

It sounds like he may be drinking if he is angry. The way I feel and other alchoholics I hang out with is a great peace, and would understand the situation. We just would like some consideration, and an adult converstation. That is all we do in the meetings we go to. Talk about real life. We also would like to share or understand other people too if they can have the same heart to do so. But I realize it may be too late in so me instances, I hope not in my case, especially for my son, as he is hurting big time.

lulu1974

hi..I think above is for me if not apologies. Thank you for that. I have am taking care of me and moving on. after his 2 rehabs and a whole lot of other stuff there is nothing left to do. But yes..pls take care of your son. I do hope your wife's pain diminishes. Perhaps you can ask your hp for helps as this brings me comfort..

KeepPedaling

My xabf used to say I did this also, so this comment stood out for me. He used to tell me that, but many times I didn't think I was doing that at all. I wondered if that was just a reflection of how he felt about himself and not about how I was actually talking to him. OR if I was doing it and didn't even realize it.

I felt like our relationship was very Parent/Child because that's the way he behaved. For me, living with an alcoholic was a lot like living with a child. The alcoholic takes takes takes, and really gives nothing back. They take all of the attention, all of the emotional support, all of the energy, and give nothing back. Even when my xabf was sober, he was very self-absorbed and selfish, both very dominant characteristics of alcoholics, no? I'm not saying your relationship with your wife is anything like this. Just telling you how it felt for me.

Just because you're sober and you're doing your share of the housework now, does that mean you're really giving back to her emotionally? Are you able to do that right now? I think I read somewhere that the first year of sobriety is a very selfish year for a recovering alcoholic, as it should be. You're dealing with a lot of really heavy stuff on your own. So for her, maybe things haven't changed a whole lot emotionally. And maybe that can't happen for a while longer. Am I making any sense? Maybe, when you're ready and able to really feel empathy for her, she'll come around.

But it sounds like, you don't really feel what's happened to her. You don't really get what she's been through. You seem mad because she's not just snapping out of it. I mean, you're saying you're trying so hard, but didn't you insult her here? I think I read something like you saying she's materialistic? I can't say that I blame her for not snapping out of it right away. I don't think buying a few thoughtful things and actually pulling your own weight warrants a major emotional breakthrough on her part. I mean, look at how much you had to go through on your own to have your own emotional breakthrough to get sober, right?

And maybe she likes facebook and myspace so much because she didn't have you to turn to for so long. By the way, have you been sober for a long time before and then relapsed or is this the first time you've been sober?

Great job on the 8 months by the way.

naive

hi catkill-

congrats on your sobriety!

i think it's great that you are over here on the other side of the fence, trying to understand your wife's cold shoulder.

keep reading. i can only see good coming of it.

and 8 months is not that long. if i was your wife, i would be worried of relapse. perhaps give her some more time.

and what about a date? maybe go out for a nice meal or a nice walk somewhere just the two of you.

naive

queenteree

Hi Catkill, Congrats on your sobriety! You are doing the best thing for you! My husband is almost 6 mos. sober. I say almost because it is a "one day at a time" thing, he is sober for TODAY. And he was sober for almost 16 years without a single relapse. We built a good life together before his relapse several years ago. In the past 2 years, he has been to 3 rehabs and jail (for dwi's). He spent all our retirement money during his last 3 mo. bender. He emotionally abused me for years, although I am sure at the time he did not realize that's what he was doing. He now attends outpatient treatment and AA, and at least once a week reads the chapter "to the wives" in the big book as a reminder of how he treated me and how I felt during it. He tries to make amends whenever possible, tries to be there emotionally for me (I am going thru alot right now), does more than his share of housework, and is really trying to be a good husband. But, I, like your wife, am not overly receptive to it most times. When he does something nice for me, or is there for me emotionally, I tend to not accept that because I have learned thru my own recovery that the only person I can depend on is myself and my HP. When he was active, I made my own life without him, although we still lived in the same house. I did not rely on him, did not discuss things with him. He was there, but we led totally separate lives. Just because he is in recovery and wants the marriage to work, does not mean it's back to "marriage" and being a couple, at least to me.
I don't know how you acted toward your wife while you were active, but what I can tell you is that IMO, spouses of active alcoholics tend to suffer some kind of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) when their A's first get into recovery. It's not that easy to erase or get past all the emotional damage that has been done. Trust has to be earned, and I'm sorry to say, although you sound like you're really trying, eight months is way too early.
Keep working your program, do what's best for you, become the best person you can be, and the rest will fall into place. Just give it time.
I wish you and your wife all the best, and just remember, it will work out the way it is meant to.

iloveme

Thank you for your post. I must say I am sorry. We never really talk about the loss in sobriety...... I can identify with you. Your family is in my prayers.... I pray ALOT for my fiance' and I have learned to listen listen listen! Sit still don't do anything.

sesh

Many times my Ah promissed to stop drinking but never really did. Each time he said he would I'd believe him, started putting pieces of my life back together and when finding out he's drinking again, I ended up feeling much more hurt, much more crushed, much more betrayed than the last time. And much, much more engrier. And much more wanting to protect myself from falling into that trap ever again. Because when I do, it is not his fault really, but mine for letting it happen as I have should known better.
In all honesty I do not know what will it take for me to start relaxing around him again, to start believing in him again,... and for how long would he need to be sober for this dreading feeling in my stomach,(that any minute everything can go so wrong again), to go away...
And also I always felt so infuriated when my Ah stopped (for awhile) and than acted like everything that happened before is really not a biggy, I felt so angry with a fact it was so easy for him to forgive himself for everything, I felt like I could forgive him if he could only understand how much pain and despair he has put me through. I felt like he has ruined my life and I needed him to aknowledge it completly, I needed him to make my anger go away.
Nowdays with my Ah being still active and with his heath detoriating due to A problems, I know that the only person who can make me feel better about my life, myself and the way I feel is me, but at the few occassions of his sobriety I didn't see things like a do now...
I shared my story with you hoping it might help you to understand your wife a bit more...
Congrats on your sobriety!

Pelican

Congratulations on your sobriety!

How many years have you been with your wife?
How many of those years were you obsessed with your career and alcohol?
How many years did you neglect your relationship with your wife and son?

You've been sober 8 months. According to your own reports you were in a fog those first 3 months. That leaves about 5 months of some form of mental clarity. Are you claiming that during those 5 months you have been able to abandon all forms of manipulation, blame-shifting, lies, denial, and other ism's of alcoholism?

This is from another of your posts. It reveals that you have an ego still. Is it possible that in your days of drunken, self worship that you viewed your wife as weak and someone you could **** with? You wrote:

Forgot who they are

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Try letting them know who they were when they hit bottom. Maybe take a few pictures of them when they had a few before and after, and ask them what in the hell they are think ing, if they want the anxiety and material world back in there life then they are going to get a big dose of it very soon. I wouldn't let them hang if they had a year, Only if they are assholes anld won't let me **** with there minds would I stop talking to them. Not that I like screwing with there minds, but if they are weak enough they are free game.

I just met you, and I'd have to give you more than 8 months before I'd trust you with my emotions and feelings.

Still Waters

Yep. I got accused of that myself. We didn't treat him the way he expected to be treated once he got out of rehab - instant trust and "respect". Years of tiptoeing around him and suddenly my daughter is supposed to know he's "fixed"?

Unrealistic and blame shifting.

Scott1970

I understand where you are coming from. I am 5 months sober now. I put myself into rehab to make myself a better person and to see what was actually up with our marriage. She did not tell me to go. Things at home are worse than before. We are in separate rooms, we don't talk, she tells me I am being judged and she does not trust me, she "works" until 9 every night and even busts out with the "I wish you were the **** out of my life". I have asked her to go to al-anon, therapy, or something to meet people with similar anger and resentments. She says I am just pointing all the blame at her when I say that. I am learning to accept the things I can not change (her) and changing the things I can (me). I hate to sound bad but my sobriety DOES come first. God will deal me the cards on where our relationship goes.

Just a sidenote..a very interesting book to read is "Too Good to Leave, Too bad to stay"

KeepPedaling

Yep, right there. That's the selfish first year I was talking about. Not that it's wrong, it has to be that way. But that's the thing, still, the alcoholic's needs are selfish for a while after they first get sober. I just don't think it's realistic to think that a relationship snaps right back just because the alcoholic gets sober. It seems like there should be a bit more patience from the recovering alcoholic. I mean, how many years were you guys drinking? How many years did your wives have to live with that? How long should you give your wives to work through all the trust issues, the emotional damage, the bitterness, etc? You seriously didn't expect anger?

My xabf was so angry at his family for not making a big show of his sobriety. He was angry that they were so slow to heal. He had been sober for almost 2 years, and they still weren't inviting him over to dinner, just talking on the phone. He had been a raging, hurtful, alcoholic for 15 years. He was really amazed that they weren't having a Great Job! Welcome Home! party for him. He just didn't get the damage and hurt he had done. We were about to go to the first family function he'd been to in years, Thanksgiving, with all the aunts, uncles, cousins... Then he relapsed.

Thumper

Sobriety does come first. It should. It must. I told my husband that over and over because without that, there is no way to move forward. That means that your wife is still sacrificing a great deal. The relationship is still far from balanced. You are still very much focused on you. It is a much healthier focus then alcoholism for sure but that is still exhausting to a partner. She is *still* taking care of everything at home while you take care of yourself. You clean between your many meetings, you say nice things between the many times you do whatever it is you need to do to maintain your sobriety. It *has* to be that way, I understand, I'm just showing you the other side. She is still there. She is still by your side. That counts for something. Give her some time to heal...and trust. The damage was done over years (I assume - not sure how long you specifically were lost to alcoholism), the trust was obliterated after years of broken promises and hurtful words and actions, it can't be erased in months.

Not that you have to live with an angry and resentful woman forever. No one deserves that. I'm just saying 8mos perhaps isn't long enough to see how it will all pan out.

Be the best person you can be. That is all any of us can do.

lulu1974

THIS IS WONDERFUL...I wish when my A was sober and recovering he would have realized this. Life could have been better for us eventually. This is a very powerful post and very truthful. Thanks so much..

Hugs,
Lulu

Catkill23

I agree it takes time for the NA partner to trust again. Time will only tell, time has a way of taking time etc.. Sometimes you will get what you ask for, and you have to deal with it. Be miserable about it, or make a difference. The mind is a powerful thing when you act like an adult. Why wait for something if you can have it today.

You can leave or stay. If you leave you can come back, if you stay you can leave. You don't have to let other people control your emotions, if you don't like it move on.

Freedom1990

The most difficult relationship to navigate after I got clean/sober was with my parents. It took years for them to trust me to any degree, and rightfully so. I did not have a significant other because my husband at the time was a violent, psychotic addict/alcoholic, and I had to walk away from him after I got out of rehab.

My father is an untreated ACOA. My mother is a flaming codependent.

They have made the conscious choice over the years to remain as they are. They look at any sort of counseling/therapy as 'airing dirty laundry', and they are of the old school that isn't right.

It has been a tremendous source of friction at times, usually when I have been going through a crisis with one of my daughters. That's when my mother would pull out the big guns and remind me of some of the most painful things I did to them, over 20 years ago.

Today we do have a good relationship 99 9/10% of the time. I live 90 miles from them. We get together maybe once a month at a neutral location to eat and see a movie.

I've changed. They haven't. I'm acutely aware of the damage I inflicted, and I do my best to live a decent life day to day. That's the best amends I can make.

As for living with a spouse unwilling to seek help for the effects from alcoholism, I honestly don't think I could do it long-term, but I haven't been in those shoes.

My primary focus today is my sobriety, and all other things will work out one way or another, as long as I do what I need to do.