Afraid of Reality
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Afraid of Reality
I attended my al anon meeting tonight, after another one last night. Went ok, felt good. Decided for some reason to bring my camera with to show pictures of my XAGF and kids to a friend that has been there for me. I guess I wanted to show the softness and kindness in her pictures, not the portrayal of an alchoholic. Within minutes the person said "you're not going to like what I am seeing". I got scared! The person said the pictures showed XAGF was not happy, not there, just simply a figure the person said. The picture of me was like you could touch me or feel the happiness. With XAGF there was emptiness and "fake".
It tore my heart out to hear that. I have been moving on, but still in the back of my mind wondering. Now, I feel reality just hit me going 65 mph and I wasn't even watching for it to come. I feel dazed and unsure. I feel like leaving my path and doing what I think XAGF was doing. I felt like I would see her again. Now I feel it is done.
Why is this happening all over. I thought I was 5 weeks into moving forward on this path of healing and letting go and letting God. Thanks for reading, and thank you to those who have helped me in the past month.
It tore my heart out to hear that. I have been moving on, but still in the back of my mind wondering. Now, I feel reality just hit me going 65 mph and I wasn't even watching for it to come. I feel dazed and unsure. I feel like leaving my path and doing what I think XAGF was doing. I felt like I would see her again. Now I feel it is done.
Why is this happening all over. I thought I was 5 weeks into moving forward on this path of healing and letting go and letting God. Thanks for reading, and thank you to those who have helped me in the past month.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Tpen,
Unfortunately, sometimes it hurts to hear what others see when they look at our situations. I know i've seen it many times, even on this forum. A different perspective can be very eye opening.
Many times we see our As through rose colored glasses, and tend to overlook things that we don't want to see. When others look at the same person, they see what's really there, not what we have convinced ourselves is there. It's hard to hear, but if they didn't love you, they wouldn't tell you the truth about what they see.
None of my friends liked my exabf. from the day they met him. At first they were nice to him, but still unsure, and as the relationship grew they became more sure that they didn't like him. (when i look back on his behavior, he could tell that they didn't like him). They saw things in him that I refused to see, or that I made excuses for. And I love them for their honesty, and their continued support after I finally saw what they saw.
We all have bad days on the road to recovery, but don't despair. With so many steps forward, we are bound to have a step or two backwards. Just remind yourself of your progress so far, and keep the focus on you. Maybe not looking at her photograph would help?
Unfortunately, sometimes it hurts to hear what others see when they look at our situations. I know i've seen it many times, even on this forum. A different perspective can be very eye opening.
Many times we see our As through rose colored glasses, and tend to overlook things that we don't want to see. When others look at the same person, they see what's really there, not what we have convinced ourselves is there. It's hard to hear, but if they didn't love you, they wouldn't tell you the truth about what they see.
None of my friends liked my exabf. from the day they met him. At first they were nice to him, but still unsure, and as the relationship grew they became more sure that they didn't like him. (when i look back on his behavior, he could tell that they didn't like him). They saw things in him that I refused to see, or that I made excuses for. And I love them for their honesty, and their continued support after I finally saw what they saw.
We all have bad days on the road to recovery, but don't despair. With so many steps forward, we are bound to have a step or two backwards. Just remind yourself of your progress so far, and keep the focus on you. Maybe not looking at her photograph would help?
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
I just spent an hour looking at old pictures trying to get a feel for a change during the time period of two years. The first 4 months she looked happier than me even! However after that, it was different. Her smile wasn't there, her eyes seemed glazed sometimes. The only exception was when we were both out drinking/dancing.
There was an occurence after that 4 months that I truly felt something happened. Meaning an affair or encounter with drugs. I truly believe that's where the lies started and never stopped. Guilt built up and soon it was running her emotions and thus not allowing her to show affection and intimacy towards me anymore.
The alchohol issue was never brought forth to my knowledge until just 4 months ago. Maybe that could of been it all along too? Deep down I just wish I could hear the honest answer. I've told her countless times I know there's something that happened. Each time she has denied it.
I am hurting.
There was an occurence after that 4 months that I truly felt something happened. Meaning an affair or encounter with drugs. I truly believe that's where the lies started and never stopped. Guilt built up and soon it was running her emotions and thus not allowing her to show affection and intimacy towards me anymore.
The alchohol issue was never brought forth to my knowledge until just 4 months ago. Maybe that could of been it all along too? Deep down I just wish I could hear the honest answer. I've told her countless times I know there's something that happened. Each time she has denied it.
I am hurting.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Tpen -
Hurt is part of the healing.
NO ONE enjoys having their illusions shattered.
But it's VITAL to have those illusions removed
or we are doomed to keep repeating the same mistake over and over.
I think you made a great discovery.
The pain will pass.
But the mistake - is that much closer to never happening again.
Then - moving ON becomes just that -
instead of moving OVER to find another disapointment
in different skin.
Hurt is part of the healing.
NO ONE enjoys having their illusions shattered.
But it's VITAL to have those illusions removed
or we are doomed to keep repeating the same mistake over and over.
I think you made a great discovery.
The pain will pass.
But the mistake - is that much closer to never happening again.
Then - moving ON becomes just that -
instead of moving OVER to find another disapointment
in different skin.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
This is where work with a sponsor
or a therapist
is necessary as well.
I called them 'reality checks' when i spoke with my AA sponsor
"Is this what I'm seeing here?"
'Am I perceiving what's really going on here,
or am I off in the 'alcoholic underground'?"
Now, with women,
this is sometimes
simply being a friend.
I don't know how the man dynamic works.
But There's several women I can call
any time of day or night
and get a 'reality check'.
If we ALL see the same thing -
then it's PROBABLY really here.
I'm trying to say
that I hope you have someone in 3-D
you can talk to about this
while it's happening.
There will be this scary little time
where you don't trust ANYTHING from ANYONE
and in that time
with the help of a sponsor
or a therapisst
or BOTH -
we learn who we SHOULD have been trusting all along.
ourselves.
or a therapist
is necessary as well.
I called them 'reality checks' when i spoke with my AA sponsor
"Is this what I'm seeing here?"
'Am I perceiving what's really going on here,
or am I off in the 'alcoholic underground'?"
Now, with women,
this is sometimes
simply being a friend.
I don't know how the man dynamic works.
But There's several women I can call
any time of day or night
and get a 'reality check'.
If we ALL see the same thing -
then it's PROBABLY really here.
I'm trying to say
that I hope you have someone in 3-D
you can talk to about this
while it's happening.
There will be this scary little time
where you don't trust ANYTHING from ANYONE
and in that time
with the help of a sponsor
or a therapisst
or BOTH -
we learn who we SHOULD have been trusting all along.
ourselves.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
barb, can I marry you?
I bet no one saw this coming
lol.
tpen, 5 weeks? its still soooooooo early. You are doing sooooooooo much better than how I was doing then!!
Read Melody Beatty's books. It helps!
I bet no one saw this coming
lol.tpen, 5 weeks? its still soooooooo early. You are doing sooooooooo much better than how I was doing then!!
Read Melody Beatty's books. It helps!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Reality sucks many times but its the only place where we actually live...
Illusions are the ones we need to be afraid of.....they bring madness and pain, then MORE madness and pain.
You just got confused for a moment
Illusions are the ones we need to be afraid of.....they bring madness and pain, then MORE madness and pain.
You just got confused for a moment
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi,
We all heal at different rates. There is no one time frame or method that works for everyone. BUT, staying in contact and bearing your soul to her will only delay the inevitable...and it is inevitable. It sounds like you are still in denial about her illness and the extent to which you have been affected if you contact her. She will hurt you. That will happen. If you open up to her, you will get hurt. It might be today or next month, but it will happen.
What have you learned about trusting her? Do you think that she is now trustworthy? If so, why? What has she shown and proven to you? What have you done to not be dependent on a person who hurts you repeatedly?
We all heal at different rates. There is no one time frame or method that works for everyone. BUT, staying in contact and bearing your soul to her will only delay the inevitable...and it is inevitable. It sounds like you are still in denial about her illness and the extent to which you have been affected if you contact her. She will hurt you. That will happen. If you open up to her, you will get hurt. It might be today or next month, but it will happen.
What have you learned about trusting her? Do you think that she is now trustworthy? If so, why? What has she shown and proven to you? What have you done to not be dependent on a person who hurts you repeatedly?
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by MissFixit 
What have you learned about trusting her? Do you think that she is now trustworthy? If so, why? What has she shown and proven to you? What have you done to not be dependent on a person who hurts you repeatedly?
No, she hasn't show to be trustworthy since relationship was ended. I have attended al anon meetings, more church and prayed. However, I have not read books and tried to improve myself yet.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
tpen,
I know you are hurting. Truly, I do. It's never easy when we lose someone we love. Sometimes we are given the gift and clarity of closure, sometimes we aren't.
I think you are misreading the signs. You have received closure, dear tpen. She has made it clear that it is over for her. She has moved on. She has turned the page, and closed the chapter.
Why is it that you can't seem to turn the page in your own book, and move on in your life? You keep reading the same page over and over, expecting a different ending. Have you seen Titanic? Read a book about it? No matter what your see or read, the ship always sinks. The ending never changes. It sinks. Nothing will change that fact. No matter HOW many times you see the movie, the boat will always sink! Did you get that? THE BOAT SINKS!
You must stop torturing yourself, and turn the page. Put in a different movie! Life is meant to be lived, in abundance! To be loved, find joy and be peaceful! All you are doing is holding onto someone, and the 'illusion' of the relationship that never really existed. tpen, it's time to move on! Pull yourself up, brush yourself off, and work on YOU. You cannot save her from the sinking ship, no matter what you do. It always sinks!
Praying for you dear tpen. I know the pain you are in. This will pass, but you must do the work in order for that to happen! You are strong, and you can do it!
I know you are hurting. Truly, I do. It's never easy when we lose someone we love. Sometimes we are given the gift and clarity of closure, sometimes we aren't.
I think you are misreading the signs. You have received closure, dear tpen. She has made it clear that it is over for her. She has moved on. She has turned the page, and closed the chapter.
Why is it that you can't seem to turn the page in your own book, and move on in your life? You keep reading the same page over and over, expecting a different ending. Have you seen Titanic? Read a book about it? No matter what your see or read, the ship always sinks. The ending never changes. It sinks. Nothing will change that fact. No matter HOW many times you see the movie, the boat will always sink! Did you get that? THE BOAT SINKS!
You must stop torturing yourself, and turn the page. Put in a different movie! Life is meant to be lived, in abundance! To be loved, find joy and be peaceful! All you are doing is holding onto someone, and the 'illusion' of the relationship that never really existed. tpen, it's time to move on! Pull yourself up, brush yourself off, and work on YOU. You cannot save her from the sinking ship, no matter what you do. It always sinks!
Praying for you dear tpen. I know the pain you are in. This will pass, but you must do the work in order for that to happen! You are strong, and you can do it!
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
I admire all of you and understand I do need to be here to improve myself. The dependency issue needs fixing! The one thing everyone seems to say though is that it is over. I heard it, and it in fact is over. I don't talk to her or send her anything. So, the relationship we had is over, yes.
I do have a hope though and maybe its because I've trusted HP more than users on here. When I pray and ask for guidance I hear one word - "patience". I know some of you will say that's me saying it to myself. Whatever the case, in the coming months I want to work on myself and just be happy. That's following HP's word and being patient. I have no idea what patience will bring me other than to do it!
Do I hope for things to change with her? Absolutely! Change meaning - finding her HP and recovering from alchoholism. Do I want her back? Not today, no! Down the road? Maybe, but I can only take one day at a time. Why can't I hear that more from users here? Thanks for reading.
I do have a hope though and maybe its because I've trusted HP more than users on here. When I pray and ask for guidance I hear one word - "patience". I know some of you will say that's me saying it to myself. Whatever the case, in the coming months I want to work on myself and just be happy. That's following HP's word and being patient. I have no idea what patience will bring me other than to do it!
Do I hope for things to change with her? Absolutely! Change meaning - finding her HP and recovering from alchoholism. Do I want her back? Not today, no! Down the road? Maybe, but I can only take one day at a time. Why can't I hear that more from users here? Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
tpen,
The reason you don't hear it from me is because I believe my HP has led me down this road because the other choice was pain, hurt and chaos.
I do NOT want him back. I do not want to be in a chaotic hurricane of a relationship with an alcoholic. I am choosing to be obedient to my HP. He has led me here, and I will continue to walk in faith. There is no other choice for me. Why would I want to go back to that mess, knowing that HP knows the desires of my heart, and wants SO MUCH to give them to me!? And that doesn't mean I get my XA back. It means I get the man that HP has been saving for ME! And the X was NOT that guy! No matter how much I wanted him to be THAT GUY, he isn't!
There will be someone that enters my life, in God's time, because He will know when I am truly ready to accept that gift of love. Until then, I wait!
And tpen, there is a woman for you in all this. She is the woman your heart desires. The woman that will be the right one, at the right time! Don't despair! HP did you such a HUGE favor! He opened the door for you to find the one that is truly meant for you!
Hang in there! I pray for you!
The reason you don't hear it from me is because I believe my HP has led me down this road because the other choice was pain, hurt and chaos.
I do NOT want him back. I do not want to be in a chaotic hurricane of a relationship with an alcoholic. I am choosing to be obedient to my HP. He has led me here, and I will continue to walk in faith. There is no other choice for me. Why would I want to go back to that mess, knowing that HP knows the desires of my heart, and wants SO MUCH to give them to me!? And that doesn't mean I get my XA back. It means I get the man that HP has been saving for ME! And the X was NOT that guy! No matter how much I wanted him to be THAT GUY, he isn't!
There will be someone that enters my life, in God's time, because He will know when I am truly ready to accept that gift of love. Until then, I wait!
And tpen, there is a woman for you in all this. She is the woman your heart desires. The woman that will be the right one, at the right time! Don't despair! HP did you such a HUGE favor! He opened the door for you to find the one that is truly meant for you!
Hang in there! I pray for you!
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
I agree everyone and thank you. It's just that I feel I've done the right thing for myself and her by detaching myself. I thought that was the premise behind Al Anon meetings besides taking care of self was to detach and let them deal with themselves in order to hopefully recognize, recover and rebuild themselves. If that happens then at some point a relationship could be re-established. I'm very new, but that's the gist of what I interpret Al Anon purpose is for.
I asked this along time ago. Where are the success stories? It seems this site is resourceful, very resourceful. However, there are rarely posts of success stories. Could this be due to the fact most won't post when they are happy and it works?
I asked this along time ago. Where are the success stories? It seems this site is resourceful, very resourceful. However, there are rarely posts of success stories. Could this be due to the fact most won't post when they are happy and it works?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Originally Posted by tpen
I agree everyone and thank you. It's just that I feel I've done the right thing for myself and her by detaching myself. I thought that was the premise behind Al Anon meetings besides taking care of self was to detach and let them deal with themselves in order to hopefully recognize, recover and rebuild themselves. If that happens then at some point a relationship could be re-established. I'm very new, but that's the gist of what I interpret Al Anon purpose is for.
I asked this along time ago. Where are the success stories? It seems this site is resourceful, very resourceful. However, there are rarely posts of success stories. Could this be due to the fact most won't post when they are happy and it works?
I asked this along time ago. Where are the success stories? It seems this site is resourceful, very resourceful. However, there are rarely posts of success stories. Could this be due to the fact most won't post when they are happy and it works?
Again, not meaning to sound too harsh but, it really doesn't sound to me like she is interested in a relationship with you. She doesn't call or try to contact you in any way, right? That tells me that she's done and has moved on. It just seems like you are still holding out hope that she is going to come back to you even IF she does choose to stop drinking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
tpen,
I see plenty of success stories here. Everytime someone doesn't take the bait the A tries to lure us with, everytime someone goes one more day with NC. Everytime someone is hurting and they post here for support. Everytime someone finds the answer they've been looking for in someone's posts.
All success stories!! What is YOUR definition of success?
I see plenty of success stories here. Everytime someone doesn't take the bait the A tries to lure us with, everytime someone goes one more day with NC. Everytime someone is hurting and they post here for support. Everytime someone finds the answer they've been looking for in someone's posts.
All success stories!! What is YOUR definition of success?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I asked this along time ago. Where are the success stories? It seems this site is resourceful, very resourceful. However, there are rarely posts of success stories. Could this be due to the fact most won't post when they are happy and it works?
Why is this so important to you??
I'm just going to speak from my point of view here, and the reasons why I actually don't want to read success stories. It's not because I want others to be miserable and not find happiness... it's because I DO NOT WANT TO USE SOMETHING TO BE ABLE TO HANG ON TO THE ILLUSION OF A RELATIONSHIP WHICH IS TOXIC.
If one of those rare cases of success stories of an alcoholic and their spouse, or gf/bf happens to be posted, and 2 people each work on their own things and put in equal work to make it work with EACH OTHER, how does that help YOU?? It has been said here Tpen, your ex has moved on, why do you want to hold on to the possibility?
I often come here to read the posts of the struggles, and find the inspiration from individuals that comes when they work so hard on themselves, and find such peace and happiness that comes when they find it in themselves. When they remove themselves from toxic environments that once created an OBSESSION that was mistaken for LOVE. And they now say...I KNOW I will NEVER invite that chaos into my life again.
I do not come here to read success stories that I can then use to hang on to hope that MAYBE someone who lied to me, used me, discarded me and manipulated me will become one of those people who magically transforms and I can then believe the relationship I created in my head can become a reality.
Like I said, those success stories are posted by couples who work together to become stronger because they each want it individually.
She has to want it for herself. You want it for yourself. It's ok to still grieve, miss her, want to talk to her, then get mad, then angry at her, and up and down...it's natural. One day you will get passed those roller coaster emotions... but it will come A LOT faster if you stop looking for excuses to hold on to something that's not there.
Hope you do something great for yourself this weekend.
Why is this so important to you??
I'm just going to speak from my point of view here, and the reasons why I actually don't want to read success stories. It's not because I want others to be miserable and not find happiness... it's because I DO NOT WANT TO USE SOMETHING TO BE ABLE TO HANG ON TO THE ILLUSION OF A RELATIONSHIP WHICH IS TOXIC.
If one of those rare cases of success stories of an alcoholic and their spouse, or gf/bf happens to be posted, and 2 people each work on their own things and put in equal work to make it work with EACH OTHER, how does that help YOU?? It has been said here Tpen, your ex has moved on, why do you want to hold on to the possibility?
I often come here to read the posts of the struggles, and find the inspiration from individuals that comes when they work so hard on themselves, and find such peace and happiness that comes when they find it in themselves. When they remove themselves from toxic environments that once created an OBSESSION that was mistaken for LOVE. And they now say...I KNOW I will NEVER invite that chaos into my life again.
I do not come here to read success stories that I can then use to hang on to hope that MAYBE someone who lied to me, used me, discarded me and manipulated me will become one of those people who magically transforms and I can then believe the relationship I created in my head can become a reality.
Like I said, those success stories are posted by couples who work together to become stronger because they each want it individually.
She has to want it for herself. You want it for yourself. It's ok to still grieve, miss her, want to talk to her, then get mad, then angry at her, and up and down...it's natural. One day you will get passed those roller coaster emotions... but it will come A LOT faster if you stop looking for excuses to hold on to something that's not there.
Hope you do something great for yourself this weekend.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Kitty...
You rocked my world with that post! Well done!
It's all about YOU tpen. What you want!!!! Isn't hanging on to someone that isn't interested just EXHAUSTING! Stop and pursue your life, interests and what you want! Life is too short! She has moved on. Stop making this person a priority in YOUR life when you are an OPTION in hers!!!
You rocked my world with that post! Well done!
It's all about YOU tpen. What you want!!!! Isn't hanging on to someone that isn't interested just EXHAUSTING! Stop and pursue your life, interests and what you want! Life is too short! She has moved on. Stop making this person a priority in YOUR life when you are an OPTION in hers!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by IamSaved
tpen,
I see plenty of success stories here. Everytime someone doesn't take the bait the A tries to lure us with, everytime someone goes one more day with NC. Everytime someone is hurting and they post here for support. Everytime someone finds the answer they've been looking for in someone's posts.
All success stories!! What is YOUR definition of success?
I see plenty of success stories here. Everytime someone doesn't take the bait the A tries to lure us with, everytime someone goes one more day with NC. Everytime someone is hurting and they post here for support. Everytime someone finds the answer they've been looking for in someone's posts.
All success stories!! What is YOUR definition of success?
Right on, Saved
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