Afraid of Reality
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by tpen 
I do have a hope though and maybe its because I've trusted HP more than users on here. When I pray and ask for guidance I hear one word - "patience".
But...what does that word, that concept: Patience mean to you?
Doesn't have to mean "be patient, and one day this woman whom you love, will see the light, get her act together, and search for you."
Be patient with yourself, tpen. Be patient with the rate that the discoveries are coming. Just be patient with this process.
There is a reason you are still holding out. Also listen to the voice that is telling you what that reason is.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Tpen,
I chose a different Road for now. I am praying for mine and focusing only on my life. I believe in prayer. But I also pray for myself to get better.
You can be who you are here.
My perspective may change in a few months. But its ok for me to admit I hope my AH sobers up and we reconcile. I also know there is very little I can do about it but pray...
Hugs,
Lulu
I chose a different Road for now. I am praying for mine and focusing only on my life. I believe in prayer. But I also pray for myself to get better.
You can be who you are here.
My perspective may change in a few months. But its ok for me to admit I hope my AH sobers up and we reconcile. I also know there is very little I can do about it but pray...
Hugs,
Lulu
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by tpen
However, I have not read books and tried to improve myself yet.
I often dug my heels in, screaming no, rather than do the work that is necessary.
I had to experience enough pain that I finally got motivated to do the work.
Attending meetings is a terrific start. It's not the total solution.
Those 12 steps are there for a reason.
Having a sponsor is highly recommended for a reason.
Today I'm much more willing to do the work because to be honest, I no longer relish the pain of wallowing in dysfunction.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Just checking in on ya T -
got some great advice here, and some thinking to do.
I can't advise better than
to tell you to keep going back to those meetings
and listen.
and listen.
get the books
read the books
apply the books
then catch another meeting.
I'm serious.
you've got this great big hole
where this woman used to be
and now there's nothing there.
FILL IT.
But NOT... with her.
I think if you text her -
if she doesn't already have you blocked -
she may well be able to press harrassment charges
so you need to sit back and take a truthful look at that man.
That big empty hole???
that's not supposed to be there, hon.
that's where our OWN zeal for this life is supposed to be.
doesn't HAVE to be "God".
but it DOES have to be something....
that originates from WITHIN the SELF
not grappled from an outside source.
you have a Spirit whether you believe you do or not.
because your Spirit doesn't need you to believe in it
to exist.
Your Spirit may speak to you in whatever way It's managed to
as a non believer...
through work ethic, through photography,
through love of nature, there will be SOMETHING.
but you have to take the initiative and LOOK for it.
ok
lecture over.
go to a meeting.
LOL
got some great advice here, and some thinking to do.
I can't advise better than
to tell you to keep going back to those meetings
and listen.
and listen.
get the books
read the books
apply the books
then catch another meeting.
I'm serious.
you've got this great big hole
where this woman used to be
and now there's nothing there.
FILL IT.
But NOT... with her.
I think if you text her -
if she doesn't already have you blocked -
she may well be able to press harrassment charges
so you need to sit back and take a truthful look at that man.
That big empty hole???
that's not supposed to be there, hon.
that's where our OWN zeal for this life is supposed to be.
doesn't HAVE to be "God".
but it DOES have to be something....
that originates from WITHIN the SELF
not grappled from an outside source.
you have a Spirit whether you believe you do or not.
because your Spirit doesn't need you to believe in it
to exist.
Your Spirit may speak to you in whatever way It's managed to
as a non believer...
through work ethic, through photography,
through love of nature, there will be SOMETHING.
but you have to take the initiative and LOOK for it.
ok
lecture over.
go to a meeting.
LOL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Hey Tpen,
I know it hurts, I do. I was a complete wreck when I was summarily dismissed last year. I staggered to alanon and spent many hours telling people how incredibly special my connection with my xabf had been. They patted me on the shoulder and told me to keep coming back.
This time last year I had a frank talk with that man about how "absent" he had been for more than a month, like night and day from the man I had fallen in love with. I was vocal about it and had a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. Two weeks later he came clean that he had been drinking again. I was crystal clear that I couldn't be with an active alcoholic. So he pretended, and I pretended, and he started acting out like a five year old until he found someone who -could- be with an active alcoholic (who probably had no idea about his alcoholism) and they rode off into the sunset together.
I yowled, I hurt, I felt lik I'd lost a limb. But it turns out that a lot of that hurt was old, old hurt from growing up in an alcoholic family. And I am grateful for all of it. I'm grateful that the relationship finally got me through the doors of alanon. And more than anything, I am so, so, so grateful that I'm not with him. Big chunks of myself had been chipped off and given away during that relationship. There really wasn't much left of me by the end. The disease just takes and takes and takes until there's nothing left. It rejects anything healthy or honest.
My ex is reportedly still with my replacement. Good for both of them. It is none of my business whether he finds recovery. This man had been talking marriage five weeks before he broke up with my, by phone, after being welcomed into my life and my family for more than a year. Haven't heard a peep from him since. That's not love. You don't go from wanting to marry someone to nothing in a month. He was living in a parallel universe driven by a very ugly disease.
And I'm free. I don't have to walk on eggshells, to wonder what's going to happen next. To know that a two day silence means that he's bingeing. To know that after a binge he'll expect to be held close and treated with the care of a newborn. And to know that phase will be short-lived too - that he'll turn around and lash out in anger a few days after that followed by weeks of progressively more sullen behavior until he binges again. It really was a rollercoaster.
And none of it was love. I have love in my life. My life is fuller today than it was before I met him because I had to circle every wagon I could think of to get through the aftermath. I have alanon. I have a therapist. I have yoga. I have hiking buddies. I have old friends who are glad to have me back again. I have a job that I love. I'm busy again and I don't have much time to wonder whether he's sober.
And I have a whole $%#*load of work to do on myself - step four currently in progress - to make sure that I never let myself get sucked into the vortex of hellish chaos again.
When it ended, people who loved me told me it was a blessing. They were right. It was a really cheap lesson. I was brought to a place where I was shown all the things I have to look at in -myself- and I thank God that it happened without a ring on my finger, without kids being dragged into the situation, and without my moving away from my support network to make a life with him. All those things were on the table.
I know this is hard, but you have to let go. At some point after it's over the hoping is a form of self-abuse. And the pain of grieving that it's over is worse than the pain of staying in a place where you're hoping for something that isn't going to happen. I pray for you that if she does make a reappearance, it's at a point where you wouldn't even consider having her back.
Hugs,
SL.
I know it hurts, I do. I was a complete wreck when I was summarily dismissed last year. I staggered to alanon and spent many hours telling people how incredibly special my connection with my xabf had been. They patted me on the shoulder and told me to keep coming back.
This time last year I had a frank talk with that man about how "absent" he had been for more than a month, like night and day from the man I had fallen in love with. I was vocal about it and had a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. Two weeks later he came clean that he had been drinking again. I was crystal clear that I couldn't be with an active alcoholic. So he pretended, and I pretended, and he started acting out like a five year old until he found someone who -could- be with an active alcoholic (who probably had no idea about his alcoholism) and they rode off into the sunset together.
I yowled, I hurt, I felt lik I'd lost a limb. But it turns out that a lot of that hurt was old, old hurt from growing up in an alcoholic family. And I am grateful for all of it. I'm grateful that the relationship finally got me through the doors of alanon. And more than anything, I am so, so, so grateful that I'm not with him. Big chunks of myself had been chipped off and given away during that relationship. There really wasn't much left of me by the end. The disease just takes and takes and takes until there's nothing left. It rejects anything healthy or honest.
My ex is reportedly still with my replacement. Good for both of them. It is none of my business whether he finds recovery. This man had been talking marriage five weeks before he broke up with my, by phone, after being welcomed into my life and my family for more than a year. Haven't heard a peep from him since. That's not love. You don't go from wanting to marry someone to nothing in a month. He was living in a parallel universe driven by a very ugly disease.
And I'm free. I don't have to walk on eggshells, to wonder what's going to happen next. To know that a two day silence means that he's bingeing. To know that after a binge he'll expect to be held close and treated with the care of a newborn. And to know that phase will be short-lived too - that he'll turn around and lash out in anger a few days after that followed by weeks of progressively more sullen behavior until he binges again. It really was a rollercoaster.
And none of it was love. I have love in my life. My life is fuller today than it was before I met him because I had to circle every wagon I could think of to get through the aftermath. I have alanon. I have a therapist. I have yoga. I have hiking buddies. I have old friends who are glad to have me back again. I have a job that I love. I'm busy again and I don't have much time to wonder whether he's sober.
And I have a whole $%#*load of work to do on myself - step four currently in progress - to make sure that I never let myself get sucked into the vortex of hellish chaos again.
When it ended, people who loved me told me it was a blessing. They were right. It was a really cheap lesson. I was brought to a place where I was shown all the things I have to look at in -myself- and I thank God that it happened without a ring on my finger, without kids being dragged into the situation, and without my moving away from my support network to make a life with him. All those things were on the table.
I know this is hard, but you have to let go. At some point after it's over the hoping is a form of self-abuse. And the pain of grieving that it's over is worse than the pain of staying in a place where you're hoping for something that isn't going to happen. I pray for you that if she does make a reappearance, it's at a point where you wouldn't even consider having her back.
Hugs,
SL.
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
I would of never thought this post would have gotten "legs" or received so many replies. I am in an "acceptance" mode today and will strive to focus on my self improvement.
I continue to pray, hope and have faith through HP word, one day at a time. Thanks again!
I continue to pray, hope and have faith through HP word, one day at a time. Thanks again!
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