sesh

I told my AH yesterday I want a divorce.
It was funny really. I was watching these pigeons nesting on my balcony roof (they've been driving me mad for the past few days) and there was 3 of them, a family. And this mum and dad pigeon were bringing food for thier young one, together. And I just thought WOW, even this stupid pigeon guy knows he should look after his family while my AH doesn't. And this female pigeon, one of the lowest life forms, has a proper husband and I, a human, don't. Something is seriously wrong with this picture. And it made me laugh and it made me cry.

And than AH came home and this Natasha Bedingfield song (I bruise easily) kept ringing in my head: "But if I never take this leap of faith, I'll never know
So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow"
And it occured to me that (re: another thread I had going on in regard to) what's best for my kids I can never know for sure, there is no way to know, I can research all the statistics, read hundreds of other people's stories but there is no way I can know for sure, I can only do it, and than try my best and hope for the best.

So I just said it. I even surprised myself.
He just said ok. And it made me angry, so I ended up talking for an hour (which is quite stupid), saying all the things I said so many times before, but I guess I needed to say it one more time.
And he doesn't get it, he doesn't get any of it. He just kept sitting there, really hurt, fighting himself not to cry and said nothing.
I was not really angry with him as much as with a fact he can't do better.
But I felt relieved afterwards, and than last night I felt sad for him, thinking what will become of him now and I cried a bit. Now I don't even know how I feel.
I told him I will help him out financially. I don't give a rat's a** if that's enabling. I don't want my kid's dad living on a street. I'll pay for his rent. I think I owe my kids that much.
I don't know if I really know what I'm doing. It just feels like a right thing to do. I know in my heart I'm done with him, I can't take it any more, or better to say I can (I can take anything that comes my way) but I don't want to take it any more. I know I can never trust him again. I don't want to be hurting any more. In a heart of it, more than anything else it feels like I'm giving up on my dream.
I have made this decision few times before, but every time before I did it hoping it will make him realize. This time I don't. And every time before I made this decision in anger. This time I'm not.
I hope this time I'll continue my recovery and not slip into denial once again.
I'm praying to my HP not to let my mind get clouded by emotions and poor my judgement.
It's hard.

coffeedrinker

sesh darlin,

when you leap, the net will appear.

have faith.

peace to you in your decision,
christine

iwantcontrol

well done in making your decision. I hope it is the right one for you and that you can stay strong. It is very hard, but you sound like you're doing what you need to - well done.

barb dwyer

The Smithsonian institution
dida study
of the plain old american pigeon.

The discovered that
you can take a pigeon from anywhere in the world
and introduce it into a completely opposite environment
(for example - take a pigeon from Kingston jamaica and put it in Iceland)

And withint 3 layings ... of the SAME HEN, mind you -
the third hatching -
will be born completely equipped to live in the environment.

Freakin WOW.

Now THAT ... is survival adaptability.

So what *I* saw in your post was....
you were touched by what we over here call the 'medicine' of the animal.
and that was - survival adaptability in parenthood.
Touched in a beauty way.

And you made a decision .. that immediately changed your world.

pigeon medicine =- is powerful medicine indeed.

I'm sad with you, but happy FOR you.

Anyone who comes to the place where
they are taking the responsibility for their
children's well being and for their own
own peace of mind .... has my respect.

*hugs and prayers*

Hadassah

This is hard. I know, I just made an appointment with a lawyer to end my marrriage. Please know that we are all here with you through this, and that God wil be with you .
I can't tell you that it's the right thing or not. I am only praying that it's right for my family not to have to go through what we have been anymore. B ut y ou have to do what you feel you need to do to live a happy life as well as your kids. God Bless, and lots of hugs, H

posiesperson

Sesh,

As barb said, pigeon medicine is powerful medicine. There is something else about this life that you're hatching...it turns out that if one "helps" a baby chick out of the shell as it's struggling to come out on it's own, it will die.

We have to struggle to learn to survive, and then thrive. Just like those pigeons.

You are a beautiful bird, my friend. Thank you for the sharing of your struggle so that we can cheer you on and be inspired.

With gratitude and hugs for you,
posie

kittykitty

Hope and prayers to you in this time. Well done on putting you and your children first.


i love nature... we have so much to learn from her

Pelican

"I thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquerable soul"
W. E. Henley

Peace and (((hugs))) to you as you begin your journey.

We will be here to support you.

nodaybut2day

Wow, that took a lot of courage. I really admire you. *hugs*

Thumper

You are an amazing woman...and you write so well. Your post touched me deeply and I"m fortunate to have been able to read it this morning.

I wish you nothing but peace and clarity in the coming months.

MsPINKAcres

Wishin you your HP's very best!

Remember tho you make the decision to do certain things with your soon to be ex as far as financial support - you always have the ability to change your mind if you need to. It is ok to take care of You and Your children. Whatever is best for y'all.

HUGS,
Rita

SoloMio

I relate to your feelings, sesh, so I will be interested in hearing about your continued journey. I admire your strength.

Jazzman

There are these two doves that seem to be mated for life because every year since 2000 they come nest in my back yard and raise baby doves. Mel and I use to refer to them as our love birds and considered their annual arrival a good omen. Just yesterday they appeared on my deck for the first time this year and of course stir up a bunch of emotions in me. Funny you mention your pigeons, some times it's just so obvious how life is "supposed to be".

sesh

Thanks for your support. I'm doing fine for now.
Taking one breath and one step at the time. Trying not to think too much about what is going to happen and now it is going to happen. Trying to find ways to make it easier on myself. When I start questioning my decision I tell to myself: I have a right to change my mind any time if that's what I want to do. No pressure. When I remind myself of that I remember again that this is what I want to do. It works today.
Before I always had this need to have everything done and figured right away, this time surprisingly I don't. It feels like I've surrendered, put my guns down, free from my need to control everything, and it feels good. I'm not overwhelmed by emotions. There is possibility all of this comes because I don't get it yet, or just maybe this time I've grown enough to do the right thing.
The time will tell.

KeepPedaling

I'm proud of you Sesh. I think it's really such a healthy decision. And since your husband is sick, I totally get why you'd pay his rent since he can't take care of himself. I just hope you don't have to sign anything that makes you legally obligated to take care of him.

Summerpeach

I'm glad you came to a realization, but I have to disagree that a bird is a "low life form"
Humans are the lowest life form, but that is just my humble opinon, but I think you talking about a man who cannot take care of his family sort of proves that
Birds to not destroy their own planet nor kill for fun

SomeoneElse

I will need to dig up that thread, as I struggle with the same thing about deciding what's best for my child. Your statement is right on...I keep reading and researching and reading and researching, but in the end we just have to do the best we can. Good luck with your decision. I admire your strength.

and @coffeedrinker - what you wrote is very inspiring

when you leap, the net will appear

I may steal that for my signature if you don't mind.

barb dwyer

Just checking in to say hello and so you know someone's thinking about you today!

sesh

Thanks guys!
Summerpeach, I knew it was only a matter of time before one of bird lovers gets me for saying pigeons are the lowest life form. I dind't mean it that way. I was exaggerating to make my point that we humans should know much better. Humanity has reach such a progress in every possible area of life, we can even travel to the space, and yet we manage to fail at most simple things. No hard feeling I hope
SomeoneElse, the thread I obsessed about what do I do re: my kids is called: Acceptance?
And Barb, thank you so much for thinking of me, I've managed to make mess of things again, I started a new thread about it, and I'm desperately in need of help to start thinking clearly again.

JoeVet

What an absolutely wonderful thing to say.